★»»[A nomad with a destiny]««

ending august

2011-09-01T01:40:00.001-04:00

It's been ages since I posted anything
Partially that's been due to the lack of planning
and the lack of time
and internet at my house
and all the stuff I've been wrapped around with

As usual this will be another dump post where everything is said with very little coherence
I apologize in advance for the lack of continuity
and furthermore, to all those who have been awaiting my reply for a long long time
I thrice apologize: for not answering at the time, for not getting around to it, and for knowing I won't reply in the near future either.

I can't believe I missed April, May, June and July, and almost August... I guess the year is flying by before our disbelieving eyes. *sigh*

Long Story short:
new job is good
my car died, permanently
my brother got into more mischief, again
we filed my mom's residence papers and we're waiting... and waiting
my mom gave me her car
i went to PA with babes
i road tripped to NYC with Ally J
i came to reality and work
i went to spain to drop off JO with dad
my mom is driving me crazy, as much as I love her
my dad is a cave man
I have a fit of madness and buy a bunch of random shit and call it retail therapy
i come back home to reality
i have a meltdown that turns into an existential crisis

Round 2

2011-04-14T02:30:00.001-04:00

Is this what we've become? .... I don't recognize any of this, I can't see the two people who loved each other at some point or another... It's like you resent me for being me.... Maybe i'm way off base.... As for myself, it's like I see a child when I look at you... Which would explain my utter disregard for what you say.... Maybe i'm the problem, me & my issues with being told what to do & what not to do & my preconceived notions, forged by a mental regime imposed by my dad's ocd, on how people need to act & appropriate behavior.... I'm rambling & I'm sleepy.... Guess I'll call it a night for now... Laters

....

2011-04-13T01:24:00.001-04:00

I'm siting next to you and all I can think about is how much longer will we do this... Time keeps passing & it feels like you're still stuck at 16 and I feel like the more I try to make things work, the less effort you seem to want to make... So what am I supposed to do? How do I make peace with all this disdain and disappointment I feel when we're together?... Is it unreasonable of me to expect more than mediocrity from you? Is it insensible of me to believe that you CHOOSE to live a life of underachieving and hoping and dreaming of greatness and success? Maybe I'm being stupid... But i'll be caught dead before I actually tell you that 50% of the time I feel like you're dragging me down in a downward spiral that ends on a rut & a grave, and the other half I sit, puzzled & confused, wondering if this is all you have to offer & if that's enough for me... Is this all I deserve? .... Days like this make me feel like love, no matter how much of it you may have for me & I for you... is just not enough to turn a blind eye & stay with a heavy heart... I'm trying, I'm really trying here.... but at what point do I forgo saving the sinking ship of us and save whatever is left of me?... & you're high & asleep while I, wonder our fates away...

So it's March and I write a new post

2011-03-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

February is officially over and done with and so I can write a post and not feel like I'm twitting my life over blogger.
HA.

I now have a job! YAAAAAY! I start monday! I'm working in the same field and in a similar schedule (late afternoons & evenings), but I'm making a little more than before, and I get a 401K plan and I get overtime as well, so... pretty shoes of the world, hear my cry! I'm coming for ya!! :)
My mom was extra happy & nice and bought me stuff for me to wear to work so I look extra pretty on my first week. Luckily, the new job is like 5 minutes away from my school, which also means that I won't have to rush like a maniac from campus to work and vice versa. Sadly, the 3 weeks of training start on monday, and I have to be there by 9 am.... I'm not a morning person, at allllll.... o.O but I've been a little better about my sleeping habits and I've been hitting bed by 12am, which is significant progress compared to my usual 3 am-ish bedtime.

In other notes, Babes and I have weaned off the arguing - Thank God- and we've been actually having a lot of fun. Part of it, I think, is due to the fact that he's been a tab more social and sociable, because one of his friends got kicked out by his gf, and has been staying at Babes house for the last few days.

Random note: Taco Bell is open til 2 am or later. 4th meal is that random, middle of the night craving you get and head out to any of the very select few places open past 1 am in a Wednesday night. The only problem with 4th meal is that, while you may eat it at night.... you pay for it the morning after. o.O Worst.Stomachache.EVER.

mmmh.... I'm trying to think of what else has been going on in life, and thankfully, this is all for now.
Then again, it's been about a week, if not less, since my last post so I guess it's just a matter of giving time, time.
laters gaters!

Jezz

February in the life

2011-02-26T17:34:00.000-05:00

I'm staring at the page wondering where to begin, but the reality of it is that I'm not even sure.
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...

Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.

Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.

In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.

As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.

I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?

....

About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls) and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!)
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)

While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.

Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.

I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...

In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.

Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)

Much love to all.

-Jezz

Ignorance is bliss.

2011-01-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

This post is ridiculously overdue, and for that I apologize. Feels like all I do lately is apologize, but oh well.
I have come to the conclusion that my life will be, inevitably, over dramatic regardless of what I do, but I'm moving on cause we already knew that.

In sum, life has gone a little something like this (just in January):

New Years, I was sick in bed, so I partied with my mom and ice cream and the Ball Drop in NYC in my Bed.

My grandparents left back to DR :(

Jacob WB discovered that his best friend, Pilot, went out with and slept with PB secretly last year, and they both had kept it a secret. Later on, when he tried to break up with her, she brought this up.
And thus, a player was played, and he turned into a mess of tears and insomnia.

On the 10th, there was an epic snow storm that had us locked in. I was "smart" enough to head over to a friend's house and got snowed in. We spent 3 days drinking, playing video games, watching movies, eating like crazy, making smores and all kinds of good stuff.
When I did head back home, my car skidded on the highway and did a 360 turn on ice... osea I was facing the direction I came from and cars were coming straight at me :/
Thank goodness nothing happened to me or my car or anyone else.
I got home and then spent 6 days stuck at home :( Icy roads sucks, btw.

I heard through the grape vine that a once very close friend of mine is now having twins... Idk what to say or think on that one, but I really do hope the best.

In an accident (well, okay, not so much accidental, but it was certainly not deliberate and intentional) mishap, I ended up in Babes fb inbox... and read a message that was most certainly not meant for me....Badass that I am, I saved a copy of it for myself, but I'm kinda regretting it, because I keep reading over it trying to find something that makes me feel better and I honestly only feel the opposite...

I brought it up and got a response of "She was just sad and I was trying to make her feel better. It's not anything like that...She's too young for anything, I saw her when she was little, we grew up together" etcetera, etcetera....
I really don't know what to believe anymore to be honest. I just dropped the conversation and moved on, but the truth is that I still keep thinking about the conversation I read - really, on the things that he wrote to her, if anything- it feels like shards of glass stabbed in my heart.... but oh well, that's life for ya....

The moral of this story folks is that ignorance is bliss. Treasure it. Secrets that are buried are buried, in part because the person who did it, in some shape or another does care enough to do so.
Sometimes, knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

I'll leave you with the bits and pieces that keep haunting the back of my mind... draw your own conclusions if you will, and learn something if you can.

December 23, 2010 at 10:12am

I love you ( & I want you) and I hope everything works out. Bye!
P.S: txt me sometimes, I could never forget about you.

December 25, 2010 at 2:44pm

I hope your having a very merry christmas today princess and I hope Santa gave you all the things you really wanted!

P.S: I was always a little nervous about this, but remember when you visited us in philly? Well I did want to kiss but I was so much older than you and didn't know how'd you react to it... I think i just should have done it...

You're funny and different from other girls and thats always a plus...

January 19 at 12:19am

I've always given advice when you really needed it and I'm not ever gonna stop, because I honestly care about you and worry when you're upset... I'm not tryin' to be a punk or nothin' but you're too beautiful to me to be frowning... That's just me

It pisses me off more to know that your being played with like game, Jesus, you're beautiful, funny, fun to be around plus you're Dominican, ain't no bitch out there that can touch you or come close... Nobody compares to you... If it was up to me I'd try to shower you with whatever you wanted and rub your feet till you felt better, but I'm so far that the only thing that would really reach you are my words. So please remember not all of us are cut from the same cloth... And I someday I wanna have the chance to show you what it is exactly that your looking for and to make you feel appreciated. Because I just can't stand to know that someone thinks of you only as a game...

... But, lord only knows that if I was the next man... I sorta felt like I had a chance one time before and missed out on it... Anyway, just know there IS someone one out there that see's you for the princess that you are, I was just to afraid to tell you when I could (please dont ask me why)...

Think about it like this, if you would. It's like watching "the Laura show" on t.v as much as I scream and yell at the screen you still end up getting hurt and I could've been the guy to save you, feel me?

So, that one time we went to Allentown and chilled and had fun, I saw you differently, you were so alive and dancing and drinking and you were just being you! I was attracted instantly... But thinking about being "so much" older than you made think you wouldn't think of me in that way... Also it was the fact that I didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of you. But with everything and everyone in the world going crazy around us, it wouldn't have been so crazy after all. Since then I've been kicking myself in the ass. Laura your one in a million and although it might seem funny to you at times, seriously, to this day it bugs me and then when I see what you go through in your day to day with these stupid-ass niggaz I really get upset...

January 19 at 1:37pm

I know it seems like it would be strange and im not asking you to do anything at all sweety! What I am saying is that I wouldn't mind giving us a shot if we had the chance and yes from a distance nothing can really be done. But the world is ever turning and if I remember correctly the time you did visit us in Philly you felt something just like I did we just didn't do much about it... But to be honest things are headed for a turn soon and you never know who's gonna be knocking on your door next, feel me? So just keep an open mind and remember I DO care about you Laura, when I look at you I see something more...

In which the recent developments explode and we're left wondering WTF

2010-12-04T17:52:00.000-05:00

so... this post is slightly dramatic, and quite frankly I don't really care.
In the last 3 weeks the following has occurred in the over-eventful life of Jezz:

My pc crashed days before my project was due... which of course was stored in my pc.
I was able to restore it, but now the tablet functions and the speakers don't work... at all.

My car broke down, and became undrivable... while I was in traffic gridlock... at 8 am... on my way to school... and I was scared out of my wits.
I managed to make it to the repair shop, and then they quoted $547.00 to fix it.
Haha.
I left the car there for like 2 days.
I went to a junk yard with a few friends, and bought the piece my car needed for $50.
I took th piece to the repair shop, and they started to fix it, but then they said they needed another part.
fml.

I went to work... only to find out that ... I no longer have a job.
I should say that I'm upset... but I'm not...
I was HAPPY.
How insane is that? With the economy and the fact that I've got bills to pay... well I have no idea what's gonna happen now, but I am SO! HAPPY! to be gone from that place after 2 1/2 years of that blank void!
But, what really sucks that I found this out AFTER pay $30 in a cab to get to work, since my car was at the shop.... I could use those $30 bucks right about now.

There were some program changes on my degree... and now there are some new required classes, which of course I haven't taken, and then to make matters worse, the one class I was forced to retake this quarter (because I failed it once, and then withdrew from it the time after) is NOT a required class after all, and of course I find this out AFTER I almost committed suicide several times which trying to force myself to do the hw. Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. Now instead of being eligible to graduate from my associates' in January, I'll have to endure another 2 quarters, and then be able to transfer schools by June. Which is fine I suppose. I mean, it's not like I've got other big things to keep me busy at the time, no job and all...

I'd say that is all, but when has Jezz's life not included some romantic life drama? hehe...Besides, I know you wanna know....

SO I went to one of the Dominican Crew's get-togethers.
This was a baaaad idea.
I planned to go in my car, and let mom go in hers... but she parked behind me and basically blocked me until I said I'd go with her... even though I literally begged her to let me drive my car over there... but fuck it, I went with mom.
We got there. Said hello to the usuals...
and then, of course, they were there.
I don't need to elaborate, do I? In case I do, I'll say it. Jacob & PB were there.
I wasn't mentally prepared for that.. . it was like NYE last year, all over again, except this time I looked like crap and she was on point, and I was also sick and tired from all the Other bs I've been dealing with.
I might add that, at this point, after I had a minor panic attack and reemerged from the bathroom with the reddest dace I've ever seen myself have, Mom felt bad, and said that she was sorry. But sorry was kinda late cause I was stuck there for the rest of the night, with no way of being able to leave.
The night went along, I felt kinda left out, but whatever, they disappeared to Pilot's room, and I just ate, and texted the night away.

A few days later, I got a few calls & msgs from the man himself, in which he said "That night totally sucked. I ended up going to Pilot's room & crying all night cuz I missed my dad. I wish I would've talked to you more, you always make me feel better."
uhm... whatever dude.

On some random good notes:
I have, at this point, managed to torrent the missing drivers on my computer, so there is a slight possibility that I *might* be able to get it back to where I miss having it. The computer, that is. Ha. I'm hoping that once I restart it, the drivers will work and I'll be able to listen to music and play PvZ with my pen and kick some zombie ass.

I got my car back, and it's working fine. It makes a weird squeaking noise though.

I have registered for classes again, and thank goodness, I get some graphic design classes (Computer Design II, Fundamentals of Color and VCD Lab Instructions) mixed in with the missing business ones I've got to take (Microeconomics, Macroeconomics and Principles of Accounting, if you must know)

I have more free time than I can manage... I'm bored outta my mind! I've cleaned the car, done all the laundry and the housework and done some Xmas shopping with what little I have in savings (yes, I was semi-smart about saving. Thank Goodness!) and been to Borders and Barnes & Noble this week more times than I had in the last 3 months... so... here I am....
I'm hoping that it doesn't snow here, cause that would totally suck, however it seems very likely in the near future. Oh well.

and that, dear friends, are the recent developments in Jezz Land.

love ya's all around.

-Jezz

Antother one comes & goes....

2010-11-08T00:41:00.000-05:00

So another year comes & goes, I have to say that even at this point, you manage to amuse, bewilder and exacerbate me beyond words.
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:

"You're too pretty to be so apologetic about yourself"

You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.

Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.

But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.

I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)

Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch. xD ♥

much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P

-Jezz

I meant to make it longer but...

2010-11-01T19:49:00.000-04:00

This is, as usual, the catch up post where I dump everything within recent history before I erase my mental temporary files and cookies.
Sorry for the analogy... working on IT gets to me sometimes.
Anyhow...
I've got some explaining to do, and not the good kind, the kind that I know makes people (you know who you are) call me wondering WTF is wrong with my head and when I'm gonna grow up.
But I'm only gonna be young once, and if I'm alive, I've gotta make a story worth telling; specially since I'm like writing a novel loosely based on facts and circumstances that may or may not have occurred in real life.... I'm gonna be rich and famous and then people are gonna wonder if I'm crazy, boy crazy or just simply in some dire need of fame and fortune. Which I kinda am but whatever.
Notice the rambling? I'm avoiding the subject at hand. I do this more often than you'd think. I'm turning it into an art form of sorts, and it'll be a mysterious and beautiful confusion.

So here we go:

Shit just got real. Like for real life.
My little brother is leaving to Spain by the end of the year.
Yup.
I'm having a minor nervous break down here... I mean, I've been taking care of him since I was 13. Not just your usual hanging out in front of the tv... I mean, diapers and bottles, building play dough creatures and blanket forts and fixing things, and bathing the dog, and learning how to write and bedtime stories and eating my ice cream secretly before I remember it was there.
I mean, doing home work and sharing secrets, and talking about the girl with the really really blue eyes in his catechism class, and debating on what kind of roller-coasters are best, and fighting over who gets to sleep in the bed with mom, and tickle fights mid afternoon and random nicknames that have nothing to do with anything.
He's my brother, but he might as well be my own kid. I mean, I have to admit, I've learn to understand my parents by dealing with him. I've learn to appreciate the innocence and happiness and carefree approach to life we have when we're not blindsided by our goals and ambitions and what we're going to do for the rest of forever.
So the thought of not having him around is like... impossible.
I mean, who else am I gonna hunker down when I get home? Who's cheeks am I going to kiss when I get home? Where am I supposed to find that cute baby smell when he's not around (and yes, there's this spot on the top of his head, that STILL smells like heavenly baby goodness, even though he's 10 and thinks he's "cool"), who's going to wake me up saying "Jissy, Jissy, tengo hambre"?
I'm sad... and technically, I'm not really supposed to be.
After all, I'm the big one with a life ahead of me and a bunch of places to travel to and a million things to do, right? So why is it that I see him being the fearless adventurer that I saw myself as, and I'm the one feeling like a deer caught in headlights?
Maybe it's genes, I think we all have a bit of that "bring it on" attitude in our blood... but hey, I have to admit...
I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am.
I told him "What am I supposed to do when I come back? (Yeah, I'm the one escorting him to Spain to my dad's house. It makes perfect sense cuz I'll get to spend time with my dad, who I haven't seen in about 3 years, and take a nice little va-cay and well, drop off the kiddo). I told him I'd cry in the airport and he'd have to tell me to go get on the plane... and this kid told me "You'll be alright. You're a big girl and you have stuff to do when you come home". I think there might be a Buddhist monk trapped inside this child. That would really explain alot.

I had the intention of writing about other random things and happenings in life, but I've kinda lost the inspiration to....
I'm not quite looking forward to the new year much right now...

anyhow,

I'll get back to y'all on the rest of the stuff I've been up to.

much love,

Jezz

On Love....

2010-10-28T17:49:00.001-04:00

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
in life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs
that you take as your gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
in life after life, in age after age forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
its ancient tale of being apart or together,
as I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
you become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
at the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell--
old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
the love of all man's days both past and forever:
universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
the memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours--
and the songs of every poet past and forever.
--Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

The californication of LIFE!

2010-10-04T15:30:00.000-04:00

God works wonders.
Things and people leave your life for the best reasons, even when you can't see it.
Believe in Divine intervention.... God doesn't abandon his children.

I feel... empowered.
The thought that I have someone protecting me, in all my madness, is comforting, and empowering.

What's been going on in the life?

My parents are trying to get back together in Spain.
My dad lives in Spain, and my mom wants to move to Spain soon, as soon as she gets her US residency documents.
They're planning on sending my little bro to Spain by the end of the year, and from there, Mom leaving early next year, hopefully with my other brother, the middle kid. He has some loose ends to tie up before he leaves, and the goal is for him to leave soon too.
As for me, well I'm up in the air. I don't exactly want to go. I have student loans here to pay off, and also, I kinda have my life on track here... I'm just not sure if my parents are kinda okay with that idea just yet. o.0

I kinda got into ...another... car accident
In my defense, it was raining, and when I looked before changing lanes, the dude was stopped at the light. seriously, like a split second before I switched lanes.
However, that said, I am aware that I'm the one at fault... and it sucks. On top of that, I got a citation for driving with the wrong license class, and it sucks.... but I don't really have to deal with that until December.... soo....yeah. For right now, I've kinda got to deal with the Insurance company to make sure they deal with the scratch on the other dude's car, and then figure out wth I'm gonna do about the huge dent the driver's door in my car. :/
Nonetheless, both cars are fine and drivable, thank God. I told my mom about it, since I'm on her insurance, and there was the initial shock, followed by the subsequent anger, and then the educational speech on driving. Guess I kinda had that coming. But speaking of cars and driving....

I get to tell my gramps and dad that I'm driving and have a car.
You'd think that, months post-facto, they would've already known... but there are some details there.
I got my car, and then didn't drive it. I didn't tell anyone, other than my parents and a few friends. I got my license, and my mom said that she wasn't ready for me to tell my dad about that just yet cause she isn't sure how he's going to take it... so, we ended up not telling him. However, my little bro slipped and mentioned it to my cousins, who then mentioned it to their parents, who then asked my mom about it. So my mom told my aunt and uncle. The end, right? not.
My aunt then told my grandmother, who didn't know, because my dad was vacationing over at her house at the time. Yikes.
Needless to say, my gramps, a 80+ lady who has a minor case of hypochondria, was not exactly... as thrilled as I was. My mom was kinda pissed my aunt spilled the beans, but then called my grandma and calmed her down. She even managed to throw a compliment or two about me in the mix, and then told me about it. XD
Turns out, my gramps was just worried about the places I'd be going and stuff I'd be doing, to which my mom replied that I'm "mature and level headed and make the right choices"... XD
Which reminds me....

I'm not going to DR for my Bday
On a whim, I decided I'd try to go to DR in November and try to go to a Yanni concert with Ally J.
In theory it was perfect, there were even discounted flights on sale.
However, I didn't get the days off from work :( so no trip to DR.
but....

My gramps are coming to ATL for the Holidays again
Which is totally awesome, cuz this year is their 50th Wedding Anniversary, and we're kinda planning a bit of a party. They're so awesome they got married on Christmas Day. I mean seriously, who does that? lol

But speaking of Christmas and Holidays...

There will be no NYE party this year
Every year for the last 4 years, I've been going to the NYE party hosted by some family friends.... Last year was kind of an awkward one, considering my uhm... circumstances with JWB. However, this year, the usual host has decided to go to Florida for NYE, so as of right now, there will be Xmas/ NYE party. Which, honestly is quite fine by me, considering....

I had a JWB- fall off the wagon moment
So this is like a bad habit I can't break. Whatever, we've known that for a minute.
I had -in a regrettable choice of decision streak- decided to -once again- talk to JWB.
Texts turned to calls, calls went to setting up a lunch date, and well, we ended up hanging out and watching Dexter (the new season started last sunday BTW)
For now, all has been ok, thank goodness... I have this mental reminder that half of what he says is nowhere near true and the other half is meant to seduce me. LOL. As conceited as that may sound... whatever.
I've kinda been busy with other things on my mind to dwell much on this anyway.

Babes got a job! YAAAY!
And the best part is that he's working at this British store...Karen Millen.
owww mai gaaa
I'm already aching for the employee discount for the most amazing LBD's and this leopard print tench coat to DIE for. *_*

Well folks..... I think 'tis all for now....
I gotta finish up some stuff anyways.... so

much love ♥

Jezz

Happy quotes

2010-10-01T00:46:00.001-04:00

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne

Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

- Helen Keller

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The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

- Mark Twain

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

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Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

- Benjamin Disraeli

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The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure.

- Francoise de Motteville

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Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

- Albert Schweitzer

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The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

- Martha Washington

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Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

- Norman MacEwan

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When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

- Albert Camus

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Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

- Robert Heinlein

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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

- George Sand

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The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.

- John Milton

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Thinking

2010-09-30T20:39:00.001-04:00

I'm probably pms'ing... but i don't quite feel right....
like everything is a burden like life itself is a chore, like we are dragging ourselves through mudslides and quicksand and nothing is worth the effort of movement.

>> Service Bell
I think that I've been listening to too many depressive songs.
and I think that I'm hungry, and that doesn't help either.
I really think I don't like being stuck in this dead end...
My life feels like a dead end game of tetris.

I really think I just need some ice cream.
but for now I got work to do.

...

2010-09-29T01:45:00.000-04:00

I'll be witty

look pretty

and block out your existence with my sunglasses and bikini

you don't have to love me

& I don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt.

Emotions

2010-09-22T15:57:00.001-04:00

What does a feeling sound like?
Like shattering glass,
like a soft lullaby,
like a Russian drum beat,
like halting breaks and a sad lonely violin
playing alone in the darkest night.

Feelings are just emotions overcoming our spirits in such ways
that we are immersed in them, bathed, drenched & drowning in them.
We must all find a way, our own way of learning to live with them and expressing them.
Some use them for good, some for evil.
Some in a constructive and others in a productive way and others in a destructive manner.
But then there are those who use it as a muse, inspiration...
They know and see that the created result is nothing more than the emotion itself,
immortalized & exposed,
ripe for the picking & open for the purging,
in hopes to remove the emotion itself from our insides & cast it out into the world,
like a demon exorsized from our hearts,
looking for a new host to reside in & devour from the inside...

Selfish...

2010-09-19T20:46:00.001-04:00

I'm coming to terms with the fact of life that you need to be selfish.
You will come to a point where you'll have to tput yourself first.
Your needs. Your wants.
I feel as though I try to make sure that everyone else is ok so much that I let go of myself... that I stop taking into account my own things... my responsibilities...

Try as I might, how can I manage to save everyone and take care of myself....
....

I don't really know what else to say or think...
I just want to get home and call it a day....

Random thoughts while driving- Coping

2010-09-17T21:08:00.000-04:00

Random thoughts while driving

... and it's funny cause I understand it, I grasp the need behind it behind it all,

Behind addictions, behind mental illnesses....

I can sympathize with the whole breakdown

and mental illusions, hallucinations, the need for a fix

...

it's all meant to cope.

They're all coping mechanisms

ways for us to deal with reality, our realities.

I cope.

I have to cope, with everything that happens.

But what if I don't want to cope?

What if I just want to break down into a million little pieces and shatter away?

But I have to cope.

I have no other choice...

For me, coping is the only thing that's left.

Coping is the only way I can believe I'll ever get out of this mess, this disaster.

Coping became in essence, a need.
It became a survival mechanism, a matter of instinct and self preservation.

So coping is no longer coping... coping is hoping.

Living

...

coping is believing there is an end to this all that won't kill me in the process

....

Morning after dark

2010-09-17T14:09:00.014-04:00

I think the only reason I'm still here is so I can tell myself I knew it all along.
Maybe I'm mistaken.
...

Maybe I'm mistaken.

Maybe still waters do run deep.

I'm living proof of it.

But it feels as though something lurks beneath the surface and I cant quite make out what it is...

And honestly, at the end of the day we're right back to where we were to begin with,
doing the same things we did before, complicating this dysfunctional whatever it is that we are...

and although I have to admit I'm kinda okay with most of it,
I'm still the biggest coward when it comes to things about love...

I'm terrified of the outcome, yet I keep playing with fire,
putting my fingers to the flame like its nothing
and taunting fate with my tongue out like I'm a badass
when on the inside I'm just your typical girl looking for what everyone else also wants:
To love and be loved in return....

I know I'm rambling on in vague terms, purposely avoiding addressing the issue at hand...

But what's a lady who can't keep a secret?

....

oh yeah, I know...

A girl with a blabbermouth!

Random quotes

2010-09-12T23:02:00.001-04:00

Life moves too fast, if you don't stop and look at it, you could miss it- Ferris Bulleur

I came like Water, I left like Wind - Persian Poet

Nothing is so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes. What madness is it to be expecting evil before it comes. - Seneca
...
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for. - Maureen Dowd

When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. - Albert Einstein

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. - Les Brown

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand. - Albert Einstien

I am now omnipotent. What should I do with such almighty power? The answer to that is really quite simple: Anything I want. Anything. I am incapable of error. Any result that displeases me I can simply reverse. There is nothing I need to worry on, for I am Richard. And Richard is supreme. Supreme." - Some comic book

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
V for Vendetta

You Jabbering Your Jaw While I'm Jacking Your Jill - Kosherbeets

Why!? - Freddy P. the Monster

"Bitch, I didn't choose to fuck you!
You chose me to fuck you!"
Keefer

Girl- Hey I know you!
Me- I KNOW you know me.

Master Oogway- Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why it's the present

Te quiero at 2am

2010-09-07T19:22:00.001-04:00

You said

"Te quiero"

what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
I mean, if I'm honest....

.... that's about a year late.

You're on some sort of mission... it's like you only want me when I'm not there. You like the chase.
and it's all good and fine....

the only thing I've ever asked is to not play around with my feelings,
which,
happens to be the one thing you cannot help yourself avoid.

NOW you're on some sort of good behavior
single,
being honest
calling me every night before you go to sleep
texting me all day to see how everything's going on my side of the world...

but the truth is...

it's still a year late...
and I didn't bother to wait for you that long.

Primitive Lifestyles- Critical views of civilization.

2010-08-28T17:33:00.001-04:00

People interested in the primitive lifestyle, or in a perspective from the mind of this Securo Sapiens as versus agriculturally industrialised automatons should read some essays criticial of civilization. I suggest John Zerzan (Excerpts:)

"The project of subduing nature, begun and carried through by agriculture, has assumed gigantic proportions. The “success” of civilization’s progress, a success earlier humanity never wanted, tastes more and more like ashes. James Serpell summed it up this way: “In short we appear to have reached the end of the line. We cannot expand; we seem unable to intensify production without wreaking further havoc, and the planet is fast becoming a wasteland.”"
-- from 'Agriculture'

"Thus, as Binford (1968) put it, "The question to be asked is not why agriculture...was not developed everywhere, but why it was developed at all." The end of gatherer-hunter life brought a decline in size, stature, and skeletal robusticity (Cohen and Armelagos 1981, Harris and Ross 1981), and introduced tooth decay, nutritional deficiencies, and most infectious diseases (Larsen 1982, Buikstra 1976a, Cohen 1981). "Taken as a whole...an overall decline in the quality--and probably the length--of human life," concluded Cohen and Armelagos (1981)."
-- from 'Future Primitive'

"A defining feature of the present world is built-in disaster, now announcing itself on a daily basis. But the crisis facing the biosphere is arguably less noticeable and compelling, in the First World at least, than everyday alienation, despair, and entrapment in a routinized, meaningless control grid."
-- from 'The Modern Anti-World'

"We succumb to objectification and let a web of culture control us and tell us how to live, as if this were a natural development. It is anything but that, and we should be clear about what culture/civilization has in fact given us, and what it has taken away. "
-- from 'Running on Emptiness'

La vie en Rose- Edit Pilaf

2010-08-14T20:59:00.001-04:00

LA VIE EN ROSE (French Lyrics)

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens,
Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche—
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l’homme auquel j’appartiens.

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.
Il me dit des mots d’amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.
Il est entré dans mon cœur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.
C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie,
Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie.
Et dès que je l’aperçois,
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

Des nuits d’amour à plus finir,
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place,
Les ennuis, les chagrins s’effacent,
Heureux, heureux à en mourir.

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.
Il me dit des mots d’amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.
Il est entré dans mon cœur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.
C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie,
Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie.
Et dès que je l’aperçois,
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

LA VIE EN ROSE (English translation)

Eyes that gaze into mine,
A smile that is lost on his lips—
That is the unretouched portrait
Of the man to whom I belong.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

In endless nights of love,
A great delight that comes about,
The pains and bothers are banished,
Happy, happy to die of love.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

------------

If I had a dime for everytime I said I wouldn't but did, I'd be filthy rich

2010-08-13T00:22:00.000-04:00

I'm taking FULL responsibility of this.
Because I know it's my own fault.
Okay, maybe not completely, but almost. But whatever.

Can you guess where this is going?
ha.
I bet.
and I can't blame you.
BUT! I'll leave that for last.
Just to make sure you listen to me. Or something like that.

I got my car registered, and I got my license plate.
I'd give you a pic, but that doesn't like a rather wise idea.
I got the title in the mail this week too. It says J. A. A. H. on it.
and then it kinda hit me...
DAMN. I bought my 1st car by myself...
paid for, checked, fixed and registered.
I think I'm going places in life.
but that's gonna be after I get my license.
Lol. ^.^

SO.
I'm pretty much half way though the quarter... it feels alot easier this time around. I'm not sure if that means I'm getting better or it means I'm just failing at something.
Maybe both?
I'd hope neither.
If I get too comfortable then shit happens. It's a fact of life. You relax, and then you drop the ball, and screw up and holler at the top of your lungs and have a minor existential crisis or something like that. I think. I wouldn't quite know though.

I've got some interesting news of sorts...
I'm kinda not supposed to tell but... I mean, it's not like y'all live here anyways.
I had to go to Jury Duty.
This means... I was selected to be *potentially* a part of a jury.
It ended up being a TOTAL waste of my day, in which I sat in a room with 400 other people.
and did nothing.
ALL DAY LONG.
which was, in every which way, a Turkish torture

I was there from 7:40 am...
until 6:15 pm
and I ended up NOT being selected to be interviewed for the Jury.
Which is a GOOD thing.
Being there was like an inverse feeling kickball in school...
you did NOT want to be picked, under any circumstances at all.

After they selected about 170 people of the 400, a judge came out and said that the case they were looking for a jury was a triple murder
*_*
*&^#$^%@#$
and that it would probably be 4-5 weeks of jury duty.

Anyhow.
6:30 rolled around and I had nothing to do...
so I did a BAD thing.
I'll make it short and sweet in hopes it makes it better?
I called Jacob, and agreed to go to North Ave to hang out.
SO.
That I did.
We went to Moe's and got some food, then back to the dorms & watched some episodes of True blood.

The thing is... that in doing that... I've set myself up for failure again... how can I not?
The truth is that I need to go back a little bit more.

Last Saturday, I was bored.
I was a tad... down. For various reasons, to which we can tally PMS, work, headache, hw, wanting to party and feeling like I'm 21 going on 35.
.... and Jacob texted me. something simple and *seemingly* inconsequential: I miss you and wish you feel better.
I start talking to the guy, in a non-aggressive manner for the first time in months, and he's genuinely ... nice.
Which kinda concerns me but whatever.
He asks me a question... what would be the one thing that would make me happy right now?
I answer in true Jezz fashion: Chocolate ice cream.
I keep doing hw, and later find out that he's texting me while he's in the movies ( I mean, who does that?) and told him I'd stop talking to him and tell him to watch the movie.
...
an hour later, he calls me, but I don't answer and head to take a shower.
When I get out the shower 20 minutes later, I see 3 text messages, all from Jacob.
-What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
-Why aren't you answering?
&
- I really hope you're not asleep... I'm outside & I've got a surprise for you.

So imagine the look on my face when I go outside, and walk around the parking lot to find him leaning back in his car seat staring at his phone.
I got in his car... and he gave me the world's hugest hug, and reaches into the back seat, and pulls out a pint of Death by chocolate ice cream.
I nearly cried. No joke. I mean, there was no way in hell he could've known that my favorite cookie recipe is for Death by Chocolate cookies, and that I used to make them with the now-infamous person who was once my BFF.
But there we were and I was in awe... he drove about 30 miles to bring me ice cream at 3 am.
Maybe I'm easily impressed, but... damn.

We went into my house to get two spoons, and of course all the spoons were dirty, so he had to wait for a little.
It's funny... that was the 1st time he'd ever been to my house, and he actually noticed that too.
Anyhow, we headed back out to the car, cause we didnt mean to wake anyone in my house.. and we did the usual: sit in the car & talk, & listen to music.
Which was all good and fine, until John Mayer, Block Party and Imogen Heap came on back to back to back to which we decided that we don't mess with his ipod on random and changed it to a hip hop playlist in order to make things a little more... cordial and less tempting? I guess that's the closest word I have.

and we talked for hours again, and it's funny how I say never again, and not two weeks later end up talking to him and in a somewhat compromising situation with him again. I mean, DAMN!

So yeah.
That's all for one night's confessions.
Not that there's really more to tell, but you know.

SN: I am starting to work on making this an actual book. Yes.
Ally: you are officially the un-official editor. XD
cause you called dibbs like, a lifetime ago.

Although, Jacob seems to see this a tv show of sorts.
He said, and I quote: "NOOO! You're not getting rid of me that easy. This is only season 2. In which you dumped me and I came back with ice cream in the middle of the night. Last season's finale was the car episode... we have a WHOLE lotta more ground to cover."

Okay I guess?
Maybe I should be mad.

Anyhow, I'm gonners. It's 12:18 and I am OUSTA here.

Night y'all.
Much love

-Jezz

Maybe I should just post this anyway?

2010-07-27T20:55:00.000-04:00

So well,

I've been kinda MIA.

I'm back in class. HOORAY... not quite.
I'm taking business classes only :/ not too awesome.
But I mean, it's better than not, right?

I'm a quarter away from graduating with my associate's degree, and I have no fucking idea what I want to do. o_o
Completing my bachelors is the ONLY option, for sure
But at what? Graphic Design? Photography? Arts?
I was so sure of my choices a while back, but not quite so much anymore.
I've even gone so far as to question whether I want to take a completely different turn and go for Psychology (which was my original choice, way back when) or Marketing (which I've learned I enjoy plenty).
In the end... I know I'm sticking to arts though. It catches me every time.

In somewhat positive news... I have a new hard drive, after the catastrophic fail of my other one, I now have a bright yellow hard drive that makes me giggle every time I see it. Yellow was my favorite color as a kid, and even today, it makes me happy when I see yellow things :P
When my other hard drive crashed... it happened to be right after I had backed up ALL my older files: my school work, my pictures, my blog posts, my videos and movies, my music, my sheet music... EVERYTHANG.
I was able to go to the IT guy at my school and beg him to try to recover my files -which he did- and I'll be getting ALL -well most of it anyway- my stuff back tomorrow !!! major YAY! :D

I got a ticket about a month ago ... not cool. I "forgot" to mention to my mom... and it later turned out that, because my wonderful mother is on the insurance and I am under the age of 24, I HAVE to tell her and get her to show up to court. WTF!

Other than that, life has been pretty low key... uneventful even.
I'm not talking to Jacob Wannabe anymore, this time, even to my own surprise.
See, I figured out a few things about him.
Whenever we hang out, something BAD happens within the few days after.
Like effin clockwork. It's like Karma is punishing me for going back on my word and dealing with a person I have no business with, whatsoever.
However, even with that knowledge under my belt, I was still tempted to go hang out, and being treated like a princess even when I know the rest of the circumstances to this story. In which he is NO prince charming, I might add.
Now, this was something I learned the HARD way.
I REFUSE, with a passion, to be psychotic control freak maniac that must have everything done a certain way. Specially, in a relationship. Or whatever, cause this dramatic whatever was, most certainly not, a relationship.
You are grown, and you know what's right and what's wrong. You are responsible for your actions or lack-thereof. I'm not going to fuss and nag and be a bitch to get you to do what I want. I'll ask.
It's ENTIRELY up to you whether or not you decide to, and that's ok. You're your own person with your own mind and opinions and wants and needs.
However. In being this way, I was also letting Jacob basically get away with murder.I was letting him be his own person, and have his wants and need, even when it meant that in his quest to get whatever it was he wanted, he would mislead me and also mess with MY feelings.
SO.... I caved. I decided to do the one thing I know can drive a non-committed man insane in 2 seconds flat.
I started nagging and complaining, and then talking about my feelings.
Funny how it works like a fucking charm.
Whenever he would try to cross the line... I'd get all "Sensitive" and tell him he's "an asshole" and that "He hurts my feelings" and he's "breaking my heart" and then, for good measure, I'd add that he "doesn't love me or care for me" like he should.

and VOILA!
I was surprised how EASILY the change happened.
See, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different, considering we were pretty close.
But the truth is, that these are, indeed, the true colors of the man: He didn't give a fuck.
So, when it came down fight or flight... He flew.

and so, for good this time, the Jacob Wannabe Saga has ended.
It's been 3 months strong.
Hoooray for me.

anyhow my loves, I'm gone.
Gotta get some work done, lest I should be fired.

Mucho love

-Jezz ♥

2010-07-21T00:12:00.000-04:00

I literally, don't have a thing to write about.
Seriously.

Is this the reason I keep Jacob Wannabe around?
For the sake of amusement and entertainment, at the expense of my feelings?
well damn.
Oh well.

I'm actually feeling like writing dilutes my feelings.
Which I kind of end up needing for sketching.
Oh goodness gracious....

In uninteresting news, I'm taking an online class again... I know, I know... but it's better than not, right?

What makes me feel a little better about it all, is that I'm actually 2 quarters away from graduating from my associates degree. It sounds so big... and yet I feel like I have done NOTHING... o_O
I'm not quite sure it's supposed to be that way?

Either way, I guess I need to start looking into my options for transferring? I want to go to the Art Institute... and find a job in my field... Maybe after I have my degree I can afford to switch over industries into the good stuff... I feel like I'm under-read in life. Lol

I want to plan ahead... I always try my hardest to be 10 steps ahead of everything... but maybe the glorious joy of it all is that we can't see what's coming around the corner.

Babes is happier. Things are kinda falling into place slowly. He asked me to go to Church with him yesterday.
I'm honestly surprised and delighted by that! Go figure. The self-professed non-believer is slowly inching his steps closer...

I haven't been reading much lately... mainly because I kinda owe the library like 50 bucks in fines (which I kinda gotta pay back eventually) and can't check out any books :(

I'm hoping that somewhere in the near future my wanderings take me to Myrtle Beach for a stress free weekend, but that is yet to be seen.
I had high hopes for taking my bum to Japan for my birthday, but later decided I'd make it my graduation present and go to China instead so I could try to be there for the new year celebrations... I might even try to see my friend Ana Maria in Sweden.... that would be pretty sweet, wouldn't it? If not, then I'd probably end up visiting my dad in Spain... that would be a trip alright. Nuff Said.

I gotta go... I'm tired beyond words, and I kinda gotta be up early too... so...

catcha later

Jezz

Feeling like a hypocrite

2010-05-25T21:12:00.000-04:00

I'm stuck in a bind, these words on my mind
I lack the right to make a judgement
I mean, shit, who am I?
I've made my mistakes
but i'd be lying if I say I didn't try
to make ammends, to stop the pretend
to make things better...
I'm not an angel, but I do the best I can
I try my hardest to make the most out of the things that fall in my hands
deal with circumstance and try to understand
believe that there's a ruling order behind everyone's last stance...
But maybe I've met my match
maybe I've gotten what I deserved all along.
Maybe I'm just human and confused and lost and changing
maybe it's just life but maybe I'm just blaming
every thing and one around me in hopes of obtaining
some kind of redemption or some vindication...
I'm not sure I know
if this is a curse or a blessing...
I just know I got a dose of my own medicine.

Peace, War and Coldplay

2010-05-14T00:24:00.000-04:00

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one- Agatha Christie

Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice.- Baruch Spinoza

Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions.- Dag Hammarksjold

You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. - Indhira Gahndi

Namaste. I honour the place in your where the entire universe resides... a place of light, of love, of truth, of peace, of wisdom. I honour the place in you where when you are in that place and I am in that place there is only one of us. - M.K. Gahndi

"A Rush of Blood to the head" - Coldplay
He said I'm going to buy this place and burn it down
I'm going to put it six feet underground
He said I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm going to buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return

Ah, ah, ah
He said Oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head to the head

(And) honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

He said I'm going to buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

And honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane
When am I going to see that pretty face again
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

2010-04-20T23:30:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?

I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.

There is a spanish phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means:

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.

In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum, appearances are deceiving.

You get the point.
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.

Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.

~chao.

Jezz.

A little bit of Holiness!

2010-04-19T00:36:00.000-04:00

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all (wo)men, most richly blessed.”

♥ God understands our prayers,
Even when we can't find the words to say them.

♥ God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.

♥ What we are is God's gift to us.
What we become is our gift to God.

♥ When you are down to nothing,
God is up to something!

♥ The will of God will not take you anywhere the grace of God cannot protect you.

♥ A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

♥ "Many are the plans in a (wo)man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." - (Proverbs 19:21)

♥ If you’re going in the wrong direction,
God allows u-turns.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

2010-04-17T00:22:00.001-04:00

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident.

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass.

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot.

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after. The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials, massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was....

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like. I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it.

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!!

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here.

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” - Anatole Frances

okay, okay. I get it.

2010-04-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

Dear God:

I get it.

I get the point you're trying to make.

Just help me set up to the plate and make things easier. Please?

I'm headed in the direction you want. Really, I am.
I see where you're coming from. I know that you're trying to prepare me for real life and you're molding me like clay, and you'll be baking me in the oven and glazing me as well...

I understand.

Just give me faith and understanding.

I know we're supposed to go blindly on faith... I'm working on that. Really, I am, Seriously.
It's just that when I understand the direction I can follow all the more easier.

I said a prayer and you are answering. I heard myself repeat the same words I said months before in my prayer today when the proposal came through.
And damn.
I am humbled.
It might sound a little kooky or senseless, but I'm starting to see everything pull together, slowly.
Just like what happened with the car.

You didn't want mom to keep that car anymore, did ya?
I mean, she fixed it once, and it broke down again.
She left it broken and drove around like that and then it pretty much, died on her.
She fixed it again and then the coolant flooded into the car.
She fixed it again, and not a week later, she got into an accident, wrecking it completely.
And even though the car was majorly wrecked, she came out of the car with not a single broken bone or drop of blood shed. NOTHING. Perfectly. My little brother came out of the car bouncing and kicking and trying to make sure mom was ok, not even stopping to think about his little self... he even ran to my uncle's house (3 houses up the street where the accident happened) to get help. I mean, c'mon now.
They say 3rd time lucky, and you know... the 3rd time she fixed it, you decided to take drastic measures.
Ya.
Entendimos.
We go the point. You wanted her to get a new car.
And so she did.

They say that things fall apart so better things can fall together...
I can honestly say that I see why you are tearing down the walls on the life we have right now. I can feel the changes coming and I'm looking forward to them.
I can feel You rearranging things up there, and you know what, I'm ok with that. I'm ok knowing that things will be different. I'm ok, because I know Divine Providence never abandons the faithful.

I'm laughing on the inside because I know that YOU have everything in control, despite my overwhelming desire to find the solution to everything.
But how can I know I need to jump when I can't even see the rock ahead in the path? Everything, everything, EVERYTHING gets to us in DUE time.
Not when I think I'm ready, not when I want to know, not when I feel like making plans... no. You provide answers and solutions at the RIGHT time. When I NEED to know. A la hora de la hora, Dios nunca abandona a sus hijos.
So there ya go.
This is my formal response to your handling of recent events, pranks, sense of humor, character development and plot twists.
God makes a way out of no way and opens doors where there were only walls.
Dale que nos fuimos!

PS.
I know that there isn't really much of anything here... but I'll post sometime soon. Probably after the dust settles and my sinuses clear. Love u all. ☺

Catch ya later peeps

-Jezz ♥

Spanish state of mind

2010-04-06T18:19:00.004-04:00

Pensamiento de A.Rogers (1931)

Todo lo que una persona recibe sin haber trabajado para obtenerlo, otra persona deberá haber trabajado para ello, pero sin recibirlo..
El gobierno no puede entregar nada a alguien, si antes no se lo ha quitado a alguna otra persona.

Cuando la mitad de las personas llegan a la conclusión de que ellas no tienen que trabajar porque la otra mitad está obligada a hacerse cargo de ellas, y cuando esta otra mitad se convence de que no vale la pena trabajar porque alguien les quitará lo que han logrado con su esfuerzo, eso... mi querido amigo... es el fin de cualquier nación.

“No se puede multiplicar la riqueza dividiéndola”.

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy
out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another
person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody
else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work
because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the
other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody
else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about
the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

Things to do that will make my year friggin epic

2010-04-02T19:28:00.000-04:00

04/03/2010- International Pillow Fight. WOOORD.
http://www.pillowfightday.com/
http://www.pillowfightday.com/2010/atlanta-ga-2

04/17/2010- Great Urban Race. Downtown Atlanta rally race in a team of 2. Oh HELL yeah.

http://www.greaturbanrace.com/register10_atlanta.php
http://www.greaturbanrace.com/rules.php

05/23-24/2010- Warrior Dash. Mountain City, GA. Athlete Terrain. 2 days. Camping. Military style challenges. Dude. I'm SO THERE.

http://www.warriordash.com/faq.php

http://www.warriordash.com/register2010_southeast.php

Last Minute Disaster- From Auburn to Cherry Cola

2010-03-17T18:11:00.001-04:00

So you know how, when you're going somewhere important you usually make an effort at looking good, or at least somewhat better than usual?
Yeah, this time, it happened to back-fire on me. I say it was just trying to damn hard to prove a useless point.

Last Minute Disaster- From Auburn to Cherry Cola

I'm finally, finally, finally going to DR.

My little island, a slice of heaven on earth. With hellish heat to it.

Anyhow, it's been almost 3 1/2 years since I've been over there, and well, I haven't seen any of my friends from back home.

This is interesting.

I had dyed my hair, for the first time ever, right before my 21st bday. It went from a chocolate brown to an auburn brown, and to me, it looked the same.

Except it really didn't.

In an effort for me to really notice the different color, I went lighter... and went for a medium auburn.
This seemed to be half way decent, and you could, in fact tell somewhat the difference in the color.

However.
I had ambition.

I wanted auburn coppery hair... and well... I decided to dye my hair again.

For the record and in my defense, I HAD to dye my hair because the roots had grown in after 6 weeks of no dying.

Well then, I chose a Light auburn shade, thinking I would end up with my desired shade of red, a la Isla Fisher kinda thing. Or something to that extent.

That was the intention.

Based on the color and the predictions on the box.

However.

That was most certainly NOT what happened on my head.

I waited the time, and then washed it out.

Instead of the usual dirty red water that comes as I washed off the dye, it was a dark brown, almost purple.

I thought this was a rather curious thing. Could it be that I have finally gotten the shade I craved??

Well damn. My hair eventually dried.

And then I panicked.

Severely.

Now I have a cherry cola kind of red. Think Sharon Osbourne or even worse, (sorry to any who might be offended) Shakira in her red head days.

See, the color isn't really that bad in itself. It's just that they all have pale skin. Ivory. I, however, have olive skin. Golden looking.
Golden skin and fiery red hair do NOT look natural. It's just a plain old no-no.

It's the day before I have to leave and I have a mess going on... FUDGE!
This is some BS!
I gotta go figure something out, cause seriously!

catch y'all laters

-Jezz

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

2010-03-11T02:08:00.002-05:00

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.

After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.
-Jezz

Oh the Stubborness and the Delight

2010-03-09T00:45:00.007-05:00

I know, I know, I have not learned anything at all. But whatever. For now anyway.

I went to see Jacob Wannabe.

This was the 1st time I'd gone back to his apartment since.... I can remember...
I think last time I went to North Ave was around October? I think... Most definitely NOT past November.
Anyhow.

I went back, on a whim. I felt like it. I told him I was up for it.
I went over, we watched a movie, The Gods must be crazy, and then went to eat lunch at Moe's.

We went back to the apartment and watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds.
I'll admit to the fact that I hugged him. Ok, it was a little more. Originally, we sat side by side on his bed (let me just say that his dorm is ridiculously small, there isn't room for anything other than a bed, a desk, a chair and an armoire) and we were facing the TV (which is on the desk, if you must know). But then he threw my legs over his, and pulled me closer, and who the hell am I to refuse a little affection?
He showered me with kisses and hugs, telling me how much he missed me.
But all I kept thinking about was the fact that... he's is taken.
So why does he keep doing this? Hellbent on sabotage? I'm not sure.

I like the attention, but to be honest, I make him keep a distance, and I repeatedly threaten to elbow his face a couple times if he keep pushing for whatever he was trying to get at.
I felt tempted to lay my head on his chest like I used to do... Shit, I'll admit I miss it.
There are so many things about him that attract me at some sort of visceral, primitive, instinctual level, that it's like it just bypasses my conscious thoughts...
Anyhow.
We went to lunch at Moe's . His treat. We're talking about everything, how he missed our afternoons at his apartment watching movies, and how things could've been different if it weren't for BlackWhite guy, and the reasons why he and PB got back together... Eventually we shifted the topic to being Hispanic, and parents and my dad, and of course my pass out episodes. We briefly comment again on how fucked up our whatever it is IS, and he mentions that we should make a show with the drama we have going on with each other.
I told him I could actually write a novel based on it and he laughed.
We walked back to his apt, and watched Criminal Minds. I have to say that those must have been the 3 most messed up episodes I had seen up to date. Cuz Damn. DAYMN.

I was paying attention to the show... but he was kinda caught up in kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders.
I got pissed and told him that he's a jerk, and he backed off, suddenly worried about how I reacted.
I told him that... "You made your choices. I moved on. I'm moving on. The fact that I still cherish the fucked up friendship we share, does NOT give you the right to abuse my feelings mercilessly".
This seemed to make him think deeply. He did back off... but we were kinda cuddling at this point anyway, so he remained content with laying his head next to mine on my shoulder and his arms around me.
Even then, it was much further than I would have liked... but then again, I liked it anyway.
After the 3rd episode, I had to leave. I was set to go to a study session, and, to make sure I wasn't tempted to stay longer, I had set my alarm to buzz off at the time I HAD to leave.
The alarm went off, and I'm about to get off the bed, but he rolls me over to be lying face-up directly below him and he kisses me. Insanely passionately.
Like that day in the car in the middle of the night passionately.
And instead of melting like putty (which I normally would have), I got pissed and told him he is a selfish bastard and that he needs to stop acting like a moron.
He wasn't quite expecting that I guess.
I got up, and got my shoes and my jacket, and he fumbled and mumbled an apology. I didn't care for one. I'm not one to take empty apologies well, which he knows, and which eventually got him to shut up.
We left. He walked me to North Ave again, like he usually does.
We part with a big hug.... the one thing that gets me more attached than a kiss.
The scent lingers in my thoughts.
I catch the train. I sketch, I think, I write.
There is something so dysfunctional with the way we relate to each other... and it tears at me when I'm on my own. Only when he's not around and I'm not busy living the moment, making the most of it, trying to absorb it and make it a keepsake at once.
*sigh*

This complicated story is one that, I get the feeling, is only now really beginning to be woven. It's been almost a year since that first date at the restaurant in mid-town, where we ate and talked and talked and talked before heading over to watch a movie at his house.
This seems like a routine, his modus operandi... one that I got to know very very very well later on, specially during my afternoons at North Ave.
We have yet to finish watching paprika.

I don't know if we will.
I have the running joke that the next time we'll see each other is going to be 4th of July, when we're with the family at Centennial.... I wish I really had the certainty that THAT'S going to be the case, but who am I trying to fool here?
For whatever it's worth, at least I'm being consistent and making some progress. I think.

Anyhow, night Night y'all. I'm out for this one.

-Jezz

Head & Heart

2010-02-18T22:59:00.002-05:00

“One ought to hold on to one's heart;

for if one lets it go,

one soon loses control of the head too.”

-Nietzche

Score! - A perfect application of Master pimp's teachings

2010-01-21T03:57:00.033-05:00

So after a night out with my brother Dude, and his best friend Cuban Hottie, some unexpected things happened. The guys told Jacob I was on a date with Cuban Hottie, and when Jacob called, he heard him. Yikes. I agreed to hanging out with Jacob and the Dominican crew to watch the 4th Star Wars movie, and Jacob offered to pick me up around 10-11 am.
Except I didn't get home until somewhere between 5 and 6 am... and passed out. Like all things in this complicated life of mine things got better from there.

Score! A perfect application of Master Pimp's teachings

After the night out with Cuban Hottie and my brother, I got home and passed out. I slept ridiculously well. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and happy. And then I remembered I was supposed to be up early to meet Jacob.
I looked outside. I was WAY too bright to be 11 am.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of getting up and going to figure out where was my phone, I rolled over and fell asleep again for a while.
I woke up, and looked through my things. My phone died in my coat pocket.
I plugged in the charger and turned it on. I had 10 messages from Jacob, ranging from happy to pissed.
Needless to say, I was really amused by all of this, of course.
How could I not be? I was getting back in some way the dignity I lost in putting up with all the shenanigans I did before.

I read over the messages, and the last one was the one from which I got the most kick out of:
He said:

"If you changed your mind about hanging out with me, that's cool. You could've at least answered the phone and said something, instead of just turning it off on me so I get the voicemail"

Oh Damn.

I tried to stop my laughing and be serious, and I called Jacob, to which, at my slight surprise, he answered.

He asked what was going on, and I told him I overslept and my phone had died, since I forgot where Cuban Hottie had left it when he dropped me off home.

Jealous again, Jacob asks if he slept over, and I tell him he didn't, adding a slight hint of sadness to my voice.

I ask him if they're all watching the movie, to which he answers that they haven't and offers to pick me up, which I said would be cool.

I scramble out of bed, shower and throw on sweat pants and head out.

We head over to Pilot's house, who's got a girl over, whom we'll call Out-of-State-E because she lives in Arizona, or something like that.

We head to the basement and turn on the movie, and of course they sit on one couch and I have to sit on the other one with Jacob.

This time, in some sort of thoughtless moment, I just sit right next to him and grab a pillow and get cozy. He takes this as a cue to put his arm around me and I give him a look between puzzled and concerned, to which, he answers, "Oh so cause you went on a date I'm not allowed to do this anymore?"

I laughed of course and elbowed him, and just watched the movie.

The movie was ok. I kept falling asleep because I was completely exhausted from everything from the night before.

Jacob offers to take me out to grab lunch or something, and I tell him I'd rather not, because I have plans. He assumes I'm going out with Cuban Hottie again and I don't clarify.

I end up going home, and staying in the rest of the day, but I swear I was happier for it.

It's as though he's like some sort of bad indulgence, one which you pay the consequences for if you overindulge.

I do have to admit. It does feel good to have the upper hand.

-Catch y'all laters

Jezz ♥

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

2010-01-19T19:20:00.068-05:00

My brother gave me "sound" dating advice, and stated that I needed to set Jacob Wannabe straight on who's the one in control round these parts. Or something like that. I'm not quite sure. In an attempt to cheer me up from my dating funk, he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend, whom we'll call Cuban Hottie, to a club for a night of fun... and then Jacob texted me. This gets interesting.

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

After work, the guys are waiting for me downstairs, and off we go. My brother even brought my favorite jeans and the new shoes I'm crazy about. I must've been that depressing. Damn.

So off we go to La Rumba, one of the few decent hispanic clubs from around. Cuban Hottie and my brother, whom I usually call Dude, were on a flirting streak and were surrounded by chicks all night. I was the cool one with a drink who looks smug. Or you can look at it like I did, I was the lame one with a drink bored beyond belief. Either way. Same Difference.

Cuban Hottie, whom, in all honesty, is about as smart as a puppy, had a broken leg. With a Cast. And he's at a club. Dancing. We're all talking, we have a couple shots, joke around. We decided to dance. These two guys were pretty much outnumbered by girls, but it was still fun to have them looking in every which direction. Eventually almost everyone goes off, and I'm left dancing with Cuban Hottie. My phone fell out of my pocket. I had a text message. From Jacob himself of course. He was asking me what I was up to and how my day was going. I'll admit that I did answer and said all was good, but then I gave Cuban Hottie my phone and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he left and I kept dancing with a few other guys.

Well... Cuban Hottie kept getting my messages, and Dude, brother that he is, decided to see who it was. Upon realizing it was Jacob himself, they took it upon themselves to start texting Jacob pretending to be me.
They manage to tell Jacob that I'm on a date with Cuban Hottie, and that I had a very very good mojito and that Cuban Hottie can dance better than anyone I've known. As some sort of "finishing touch" they added that he likes me a lot too, but I'm not trying to get serious or anything.

O.M.F'N.G.

The thing is, they didn't tell me at all.
I was still dancing away, laughing with my brother's friends and having a good time.
I get back to the table, and Cuban Hottie still has my phone, and we keep talking... and then my phone starts ringing, and he accidentally answers the call. He says it's Jacob and realized the call was on, as I'm saying Just ignore it, I don't wanna talk to him.
Oops.
Guess it was too late for that.

I went to the patio area in the club, and took the phone call.
Jacob asks me if the guy he heard was Cuban Hottie.
I asked him how he knew who I was with, to which he rather puzzled answered that I told him that on my texts.
I look at my phone, and go over my messages... and see what was done... and start laughing while Jacob is confused as hell.
He asks me who is this Cuban Hottie and where I met him, and slightly bragging, I tell him that he's my brother's best friend, and a regular at my house, so he sleeps over every once in a while.
Pretending to be worried, Jacob asks how much I've drunk already and how much has he, I tell him I only had a few mojitos, and explain how Cuban Hottie doenst drink much or often because he's diabetic.
Finally cutting to the point, Jacob invites me to go watch episode 4 of Star Wars with the dominican crew and I say ok. We agree to have him pick me up around 10-11am. At this point, Cuban Hottie comes to get me cause we're doing another round of shots and I'm the one that leads the crew. I laughed and told Jacob I had to do cuz my date was waiting, to which he simply hung up.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I have to admit I was feeling pretty damn good after that, although I'm not sure if it had anything to do with making Jacob jealous or if it was purely due to my 2 mojitos and my 3 shots.
We eventually left the club, went to Rey's Tacos, another regular place for us, for the Sober-me-up after club food, and somewhere at the break of dawn, my guess is between 5 and 6 am, I got home.

I guess we can consider this a redeeming act in the fact that I'm steering away from my dates with Jacob, and I'm out and about again. However, doesn't the fact that I am relishing in making him jealous make it counter-productive?
I'm not sure. Whatever.

I swear my life is a crazy melodramatic novel. With sick plot twists.
I'll finish the rest of the story on the next one.

Catch y'all laters!

_jezz

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

2010-01-15T03:08:00.000-05:00

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
And....
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.

So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.

LOL.

I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?

I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!

-Laters

Jezz

Open Letter to Jacob Wannabe- an honest confession of more things I could've said

2010-01-14T05:11:00.001-05:00

In my sulking, depressive mode, I decided I needed to vent. Or at least come to terms with what I was feeling about Jacob Wannabe. Shit. I've been in denial long enough, I might as well assess the damage at this point. It'll make the recovery process easier, I hope.
Anyhow, in my depressive mindset, I sulked at home, watched movies, ate ice cream and listened to John Mayer's Battle Studies to fall asleep, all the while curling up into a little ball and wishing to get over this soon. Eventually, I decided to write.... and it turned to be a little more insightful than I originally would've guessed.

Open Letter to Jacob Wannabe:

an honest confession of more things I could've said

You represent more than I care to admit.
You were a step up from the guys I usually date.
The relationships I've had all had an expiration date on them. I knew that they would not last
I knew that eventually they would end and I was ok with that.
But I had hopes for you. Higher hopes that I care to admit.
In my life, you were the step up: me finally finding someone who was, at least in a sense, at my level
someone who has compatible ambtions, who was aiming high like I was
someone who had a family who supported his life plans, someone whom I didnt have to boss around
someone who didn't need to be babied, who was responsible and capable and had a certain level of maturity
that I craved in a relationship
someone with some, to some extent I could feel safe with... someone who could, if it came down to it, could protect me.
But you could protect me of many things... except yourself.

In many ways, I put you on a pedestal because I wanted
because I want to believe that I'm worthy of someone like you... the better side of you that lures me and that keeps me here.

But instead of that, you basically stepped all over me...
and it hurts
It kinda reinforces my previous belief that I don't
that I won't be able to find someone up to my level who loves me...
and I'll be stuck in a position where I'll either be
in love with someone whom I consider an equal, and who treats me like shit
or putting up with someone who loves me to death, but lacks the same vision and ambition I have, therefore not attracting me.
Do I really have insanely high standards?

And I feel as though the rejection is like a wave crashing upon me...
I hurl myself at the one constant source of affection in my life for comfort, for reassurance
that I'm still someone... that I still have feelings in there
that I can cry and not have to be strong all the time
that I can let go and not have to worry about getting hurt
and that I'm worth of someone loving me for the sheer fact that I am I.

But why am I willing to settle for less than I deserve? Am I all that morally lost? Or am I really just lacking that much affection?
At the end of the, regardless of whatever happens, I'm the one who goes to sleep every night wondering if there is someone out there, who can relate and can be considered equally yoked and hopes for the same.

...

Reflections on my best friend

2010-01-13T15:56:00.001-05:00

Everyone has their obsessions, consuming thoughts, consuming time...

They hold high their prized possession...defines the meaning of their lives

you are mine

["You are mine"- Mute Math]

Recently, I made plans, and sadly, they didn't fall through. After having invited some friends to dinner and getting an initial "Sure, let's go"; they decided they didn't want to go anymore, and didn't even bother saying so.
Well damn.
Needless to say, I was rather ticked off, and in a fit, was about to head home.

Babes sat me down and blew some steam off and made me vent, like he usually does when I'm fuming angry, and well, that took off the edge on things.

Instead of heading home, I went out to dinner with Babes.

My best friend... by far and wide.

So we go to Chilli's, order our food and talk.

It's amazing how sometimes, many times, ever too often, we underestimate and undervalue those closest, nearest, dearest to us all.

Dinner was a lot better than I expected. I had a chance to catch up with the other person who can finish my sentences and I was reminded of why we mesh so well together while I finished his.

We shared a dessert and nearly died with the Molten Lava Chocolate whatever it was, it was that good.

We went for a walk, like we used to do a million years ago. Eventually we headed back to the dorms and watched SNL and chilled on the couch.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.... although I pursue other interests and although I have hopes of finding someone else, I would never be able to share the same bond with anyone else.

Here I was, sitting on the couch with my best friend and there was nowhere I'd rather be nor with anyone else.

I guess that certain people have that power over us.

Eventually we turned off the tv and just sat there, each one at one end of the couch and our feet meeting in between, laughing at our usual antics and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep next to my bestie... a guy whom I trust blindly, despite how wrong it may seem.
It's as though there is some protective bubble when we're together... like it's just him and I and we're a team and can truly rely on each other with the knowledge that neither is trying to fool the other.
For over 5 years, honesty has been our main rule.
Honesty to where it hurts, both ourselves and each other. Honesty because it tells us where we stand. Honesty because we'd rather know the truth as opposed to playing games.
So when I say, in all honesty, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with my head and my heart... I'm dead serious.

Is it possible to find the RIGHT person with ALL the possible WRONG circumstances and situations surrounding them?

Because it feels like I found him before I was ready to embrace the magnitude of what it implies....

I'm not ready for that kind of commitment just yet... I want to have fun... but... am I committing the clichéd thing everyone does, wanting to wild out before calling it a good run and settling for the best they could find?

Because that just really sounds wrong.... and I'd hate to be the one doing that...

And as much as I avoid the thought and try to avoid the reality behind it...

I love my best friend like no-one else...

and he loves me beyond words....

so what the hell am I doing?

If I'm all that you're looking for, 
tell me,
why is there a river streaming down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder 
all about 
your love
Love, love, love love....

After some time
it's something I find true.
Love, love, love, love
Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
Too many days I was afraid of love.
Love, love, love, love....

["Love, love, love (love, love)- As Tall as Lions ♥]

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

2010-01-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now.

In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.

He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.

-Funny side note-

In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.

During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.

Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.

>_<

There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.

We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.

Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie.

Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.

I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep.

I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.

I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.

We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.

As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all... I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?

Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.

We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.

Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.

All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and embarrassed and remorseful.

Go fucking figure.

Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle.

This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.

Yes, I texted back.

I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.

It might help.

Laters

-Jezz

Part VI: What now?- Crash landing after a night in the clouds

2010-01-08T03:30:00.001-05:00

In my previous post I succumbed into temptation and had an intense evening with Jacob Wannabe... even after everything that went on in December.
After several hours of what the hell I was doing, I eventually went home, and the reality of everything started to sink in.

Part VI: What Now? Crash-landing after a night in the clouds

There were so many things wrong with what just happened, I was nowhere near beginning to process the night. Instead, I went home and texted him. Like that was a much better idea. Well, I seemed to think so at the time.

The next few days were a blur of sorts.

I was unsure of what was supposed to happen. He was unsure of what he was feeling.

Once again, the same issue arose. It seemed to be as though, as much as he may enjoy spending time with me, it wasn't something certain enough for him to take a chance on. Like they say, a bird in hand is worth a hundred in the bush. I was in a bush, and well, we all now who was in hand.

Life has a way of being a bitch.

At this point, realizing that, instead of moving forward with what supposed to be the start of a GREAT year, I was headed pretty much in the opposite direction, I decided to cut ties, once again. I did the best thing I could, disappear.

This did not, however, mean I was happy or celebrating or even learning a lesson. Oh no.

I was, by all means, wallowing and sulking like a child throwing a tantrum. The good Jezz was desperately trying to stick to the decision while the bad Jezz was whining like a little bitch and complaining and being mad at the universe.

I came back to my same theory: is it because I'm someone who can -by all means and ways- be considered a good catch, that guys tend to steer away from me?! Do I seem that boring? or that intimidating for that matter? I want what everyone else wants, by all means. I want to be loved and appreciated. I want to share my time and combine efforts with a significant other. I want to go places and build memories and have fun. I want someone,who can have fun and still be put together enough so that I can take him to meet the family -all in due time of course-. However, I have NEVER had that luck or luxury.

I really though, and hoped, for a time at least, secretly, that Jacob could be that someone.

And then I crash landed into reality.

This year is not off to the best of starts. What a fucking bitch.

Part V: The edge of desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

2010-01-06T21:54:00.260-05:00

In the previous post, against my better judgment, I decide to watch Star Wars with the Dominican crew, and end up sharing the couch with Jacob Wannabe himself.
After having a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, Jacob offers to stop by my house on his way home... to which, half asleep, I encourage. It's only AFTER I hung up that I realized what I was getting myself into.. and even then, it was ride that took me nowhere near I though I would be.
I originally made an elusive post about it... but it's kindof a spoiler... so... I'm leaving it for the end.
P.s.: This is a ridiculously long post for no reason. Actually, it's because I'm relishing the moment as I write this up. So there. Consider yourself forewarned.

Part V: The Edge of Desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

"Often times one meets destiny on the path one takes to avoid it"
I can assure you that this was no exception whatsoever.
By repeatedly telling myself that nothing was going to happen and keeping my mouth shut from saying anything that would imply I have any kind of feeling towards the guy... I well.. pretty much helped set up the scenario for what happened next...
It was sudden.... and intense.... and lusted for.
I don't even know what hit me. It was just... unexpected, even to myself. Even when I kept thinking and hoping to have one-on-one time to talk about the whole drama that ensued early last December, I didn't really think much further other than "Will we talk about this?" -and by we talking I mean me saying some hard truths and him not digging for reasons and excuses- and "Will he ask me out again?" reveries that clouded my mind between dusk and dawn.
Despite my million and one thoughts of how I would answer... How I'd act all offended, how I'd be insulted by his proposal, how I'd be upset, how I'd pretend I had better things to do with my life... I just said "Suuuuure, why not?". Talk about anti-climatic... and now, he was on the way to my apartment complex and I was in pjs and not even wearing real shoes and it's the the night was the coldest yet this season...
I run down the 3rd floor open stairs my apartment has and jumped into his car. Things feel more comfortable than they should, and it's almost like nothing ever happened, and I don't think about how upset I was or how much shit has happened... I just get hit by a happy moment and think about how much I like it.
We start talking. He plugs up his iPod and plays the infamous "Chill" playlist of his, which turned out to be a force to be reckoned with on it's own merits.
We talk. We talked about nothing and everything and things in between. We talked about people and places and circumstances.
I swear- and I'm not saying this for his benefit, I promise- he must have apologized for all the things that have happened like a dozen times or so. None of which I really believe, but I guess the intention counts for something right? It certainly set the tone for the moment.
I make a point of asking about PB and how things are going between them, and he mentions how they're ok, but then decided to add how she was impressed when she saw me get to the NYE party... and then he had to explain that it was me, and well, she put a face to the name alright. I was rather surprised... but shit, that was MY moment of glory and vanity and all that other female good stuff and I took it with a smile.
He asked me for a hug, a real hug, and I obliged.
He asked questions on how I've been, and what I've been up to.
He constantly mentions how much he's missed me and I'm slightly flattered... I mean... damn...
The thing is, I'm a skeptic, and I have good reason to be. Why would I take his words for face value when less than a month ago he sorta dissed me and went back to dating his ex?

It's somewhere around 3 am at this point, and here we were, continuously talking in an air that was so charged you cut the tension with a knife.
His gas light came on, so, he turned the car off. I was freezing. I'm not made for cold weather.
I pretended to not be bothered much and we kept talking.... and then he held my hand.

With a sheepish smile I look at my feet and avoid saying the million things racing through my head -what are we doing?! why are you holding my hand? I should just go home- and I try to keep myself in the moment. Matter of fact, I tried that so hard that I flung myself into the moment, and before I know it he's telling me how much he missed me, and how much fun we have together, and we start laughing and joking around, as he kisses my forehead. I vaguely get the slight impression that we're setting boundaries to our somewhat of a friendship and that, all in all, I don't HATE the guy.
He leans his forehead against mine, and I start to wonder how old we are. I feel like a kid in a playground, struggling to find words and to be coherent and thinking about how much I don't want to screw this up, while also, I have the empowered feminist inside me yelling at me for being a blind idiot... but as they say, there is no one more blinded than he who does not want to see.
Ignorance is bliss.
Denial, my good old friend Denial, is like the purgatory of feelings. You fool yourself for ever so long and be happy in your foolishness, until you have a brief moment slip and reality slaps you like a bitch. I was in a happy place and dammit, I was staying there as long as I could... but eventually I pull away in hopes to keep some sort of control behind all the chaos inside me... and just to avoid the temptation...
Oh, but I'm a fool for love. I openly admit it. My plan for control and discipline and distance was hopelessly flawed by the fact that I have a soft spot for the guy...
There we were, his forehead is resting against mine and the music kept playing, and we kept talking... at this point our conversation is going onto how he misses my sarcasm and wit and everything else...
and what's a girl to do? I am susceptible to flattery.
He kissed me... and I didn't stop him. He kissed me again and I was still kinda in shock. He kissed me again, and, third time lucky, I kissed him back. Dammit! I wasn't even supposed to be here!
He held my hands in his, and tried to warm them up, as we kept talking... somewhere down the line, it became clear that my hands were not the only part of me that was cold, it was my whole body.

He beckons me to sit on his lap, open arms offering warmth and comfort that I am not immune to.... so after toughing it out for a while, he rolls up his sleeves and pulls me onto his lap.
Uhm. Okay. I ... I didn't really count on this situation coming up.... so... um... wow.

When he's finally got me on his lap, he gives me the biggest bear hug ever.... a hug that was enough to keep me wrapped up and curled up against him. As cold as it was, he felt warm and cozy and well... who am I gonna try to fool, I liked being against him, so close. I felt comforted in what seemed to be the most innocent, sweet gesture, and at the same time, in the larger scheme of things, thought about how I really could get used to being there more often. Subconsciously, I was was aware of the fact that this was, most likely the last time he and I would be this close... but at the moment it was more like me seeking a validation of affection of sorts... Because, throughout the whole time, I kept questioning if I was literally throwing myself at him, like some two dollar whore, desperate for attention and comfort and reassurance and love.

The playlist, which I keep listening to and thinking God has a messed up sense of humor, makes the whole situation seem like it's a scene out of a movie, or at the very least, like it's the season finale of some cool sit com. I don't mention it, but eventually he does, and we laugh about it, like we always do.
We keep talking, this time about music. He mentions how he's missing someone to talk to this much, and how he's been trying to find new music to listen to lately. John Mayer's new album comes up. He mentions the song that was playing at the time, makes him think of me.

"I want you so bad , I'll go back on the things I believe...
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

That was the last thing I really heard for a while. I sat on his lap and buried my face in his neck and just savored the moment for what it was worth: a moment in time that was emotionally intense.

Eventually, I did pull away and started asking myself out loud what the hell were we doing and why were we here... but 30 minutes passed... and hour passed... the playlist kept going... the kisses kept coming and the jokes rolled in too... how could you expect me to want to leave?

He asked how I felt... I told him I felt like I went from 0 to 100 mph in a split second.
I asked him how he felt and he told me he felt like he was in some sort of romantic sitcom in which we're the main characters and this was the season finale. (Did I mention he's a movie/ tv fanatic? about that...)
He went so far as to compare it to the season finale of Dexter, one of the many interests we have in common.
We ranted and raved about the playlist, and start pulling away, gathering our minds in an effort to sort whatever just happened... and then King of Leon's "Use Somebody" comes up and I swear, I would totally have to agree that tis was the moment in which I personally felt like we stepped out from reality and stepped into some alternate-universe/ storyline, in which everything was magical...
He kissed me like never before. SO much so that I as surprised... overwhelmed... I felt like my heart was on the verge of explosion itself.... But like all good things, the song ended and we ended it with a baffled look on our faces wondering if this was turning into a bad habit... one that I have yet to manage to kick off...
and well... we keep talking... it's around 4:30 am by then... I'm completely shivering and he's rubbing my arms and shoulders in an attempt to warm me up... and as his forehead leaned against mine again, I distantly hear myself tell him that it's unfair he's taken the situation this far and remind him that we should be anywhere but here. I know I have as much to blame as he does... but... he's the one with the significant other, not me.
Let it be his burden, not mine.
After a while of convincing myself, I pull away. Eventually, I decide I need to leave... it's starting to dawn, it's 6 am and we're still in his car, in the midst of the most ridiculous situation, avoiding questions whose answers were already known but were bitter and would, most certainly, ruin the moment.

So off into the morning he went, and I went home. We texted while he drove home, a good 30 minutes away. He got home, and we called it a night. I wanted to head to bed but... I decided to get on here, and wrote the following post, which I later removed:

Shit
I don't know how this happened.
I was drowsy and sketching... I swear that this BY FAR the most unexpected thing ever.
How does one go from irreparable hurt to intense desire?!
This shit didn't make any kind of sense
A hug. A REAL hug
and another
and another
and foreheads together
and then I missed yous merge into conversation
and who did what to avoid the thought of the other
and why the hell are we here's
and shit then he kissed me and I couldn't stop after that
and 30 minutes
and an hour
and two hours later
in friggin 12 degree weather
wearing flannel pj's and a bubble jacket with bed booties are not a good combination
I shivered like crazy
he sat me on his lap
and held my hands and blew on the to warm them up
and rubbed my calves because I get cold feet
with a playlist that just literally made the moment seem like we were caught in a romantic comedy with the insane plot twist when you least expect it
In the middle of a moment
"Use somebody" came up and I almost felt my heart explode...
you had never ever kissed me like that...
and I'll admit I was rather dumbstruck with awe to be honest

Part IV: I dont have a name for this one- Yep it's that bad

2010-01-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

On my last phone call from Jacob Wannabe, he mentioned the dominican crew watching Avatar and also having a Star Wars marathon, with a date to be determined.
So after my self-proclaimed triumph over PB & Jacob Wannabe on the New Year's Eve party, I was feeling... relieved but... not quite... I don't know what to call it... Suffice it to say that; although I technically had closed off the Jacob Wannabe chapter with the ending year while I was still on top of the game, I was still feeling to much to say I was over it. And of course, bad habits die hard, so....

Part IV: Untitled

My last conversation with Jacob Wannabe was somewhere between Secret Santa and New Year's eve.

At the New Year's eve I felt his eyes linger a bit too long on me, even though he was with PB.

After my minor moment of glory when I finally saw PB face to face for the first time, instead of thinking about the situation less... I thought about it more. So in an effort to start the new year with a better purpose and commitment, I threw myself into sketching, and sketching and sketching and sketching some more. My insomnia came back in full bloom and I was up again past 5 am, until I literally wore myself to exhaustion and would fall asleep, pencil in hand. Not the best way to start the year, but I'm good friends with Denial, and we got along pretty well. At least I can say I got something productive out of it by building up my portfolio.

So there I was on a Saturday morning, unsuspecting and engaged in deep concentration to avoid thinking too much, and Jacob Wannabe calls.

The Star Wars marathon is happening at Pilot's house, and he's offering to pick me up and take me home. I agree, but to make things a little more difficult for me to get into a compromising situation, I said my lil bro, Chino, had to come with me, and I had to swing by my mom's job and drop off something. He agreed, so we the plans were set.

Me and Chino head out, and we make the quick stop at my mom's job. Although I told him to park, Jacob decided to wait for me right at the door, where my mom stood and of course, went into questions of why on earth I was riding with him, and like any great hispanic mother, gave him the evil eye. She made it so much of a point that, when I got back in the car, Jacob mentioned how he knows that look from his mom's eye and knows he is not welcome at my house any time soon. Shit. At least he's clear about it, right?

We get to Pilot's house and hang out for a bit, but then head out on a popcorn run that took forever.

After we get back, my brother, instead of watching Star Wars with us, has decided to go play PS3. Pilot takes the recliner. Movie & Pilot's dad take the love seat. Jacob and I are left looking at each other and I just head for the big sofa and sit on one end, while he sits at the other end.

By male consensus, they decide to turn on the fans, even though we're at the lowest temperature we've had all season, but hey, I was outnumbered and decided to tough up. But who was I kidding? I have cold feet, both literally and figuratively. I was raised in the Caribbean, with warm weather year-round. I'm not made for cold. However, in a fuss, I grabbed a throw and snuggled up.

In light of the fact that I'm sitting in the same sofa as Jacob, I build a wall with the cushions in the middle of it, just to make a point. My point was short lived though, because he had the big bowl of popcorn and the ice and I had the cheezeits and the soda. Crap. Oh well. I tried.

We started watching the first movie, and we were both texting during it. Not each other! just texting people. I, for one, was texting my cousins, and if I know anything about Jacob, I can bet he was texting PB. *sigh*

Since I had never seen any of the Star Wars movies, Jacob kept making comments about the movie and the plot. The problem with this is that we were too far for me to hear him and I was bent on sitting as far as possible, so every time he said something I had to lean towards him and grab his arm to pull myself closer and be able to listen. I didn't mind too much, as long as I went back to my little corner and curled up.

The second movie comes up, and by this point, I've curled up into a ball in hopes of preserving my body heat and to make myself stop shivering. Jacob, in turn, has decided to look for every single possible reason to find something to say to me, making me grab his arm constantly and lean in. Now at first he had some legit things to say, but after he ran out of spoilers to tell me about the plot, he just started asking me dumb questions like "Are you cold?"(I was still shivering, so clearly I was, even when I denied it), "Are you thirsty?" (I had the soda next to me), "Are you hungry?" (I had a box of cheezits on my lap), and my personal favorite "Are you okay??". YES JACOB I am MF OKAY with your happy ass sitting close and trying to make conversation like all of last fall and winter did not happen and you didn't decided to stop dating me and bring your ex to the family's New Year's eve party. I am PERFECTLY FIIINE.

Somwhere along the second movie, my mom starts freaking out and wants me home. Because I know that this is all due to Jacob being there, I decide to be a nuisance and tell her she has to pick me up, fully knowing that because Pilot's mom is one of her closest friends, I'll stay longer. HAHA.

We finish the second movie, and Pilot's asking for a rockband break before the third one. I'm game, and we resume our regular positions: I do the vocals, Jacob is on bass and Pilot's on drums. Things should not be this easy.

My mom throws a fit and has me get ready to leave because, well, she said so, treating me like a pre-teen. I fully live up to the role, and at 21, manage to throw a fit worthy of a 13 year old who has suddenly lost cell phone privileges, and manage to get to her to let me stay.

Cause see, even though I wasn't talking to Jacob much, even though we were not on good terms, and even though we're just watching a movie with everyone there... He was there and that made the difference, as much as I hated to admit it to myself.

So back to Rockband it is.... but then my mom's car was frozen up... and wouldn't start. Pilot, who reminds me of the better memories I have of my dad, goes to help her out and checks the car, and pulls it into his driveway. He offers to fix it, but says it has to be in the morning cuz, well, it's freezing.

He did offer my mom a ride home, and at this point, I have to head home. Shit. Not cool.

Pilot and I ride on the front seat while Chino, mom and yeah, you guessed it, Jacob ride in the back. And for moments like this, I love, admire and hate my mom all at once. We start driving off and the first question out of my mom's mouth is "So how are the girlfriends doing, guys?" Jacob stammers, Pilot turns on music and I laugh because I see how much I am like my mom, pushing on the awkward subject for the sake of amusement. We talk about the car, and before I know it, we're home. So off to home I go. Like a good kid.

Except I'm not that much of a good kid.

Pilot and Jacob leave, and at home I snuggle up in pj's and go back to my hard labor of sketching. Except that I can't quite focus because, well, I just can't. In an effort to get my life together and get some rest, I take some over-the-counter sleeping pills, and against my better judgment, decide to text Jacob.

When he leaves Pilot's house, about 20 minutes later, he calls. Of course, my happy ass was half asleep, but I still answered. We talk a bit and he laughs at my teenage like anger. We crack a couple jokes from the night, and he mentions how he's right around the block from my house and offers to stop by, and well... I said, sure, why not, without really thinking through the consequences. Both of us surprised at the answer, he says he'll be there in a minute and we hang up. Only then I come to realize, it's 2:30am, and I'm in pjs and look like Frankenstein's bride, and shit, he's already here.

I say fuck it, grab a jacket and bed booties and downstairs I go, to meet with the enemy and forbidden fruit.

And the thing is, that even if I had tried to predict how the night would pan out, I would've been soo far off it's not even funny. It's just sad.

Nothing I could have said to myself would have prepared me for what came.

to be continued...

Wait for the next episode in which I go back on new year resolutions on the 2nd day of the year and dig a hole too deep to get out of...

Part III: Looked over, not overlooked [The face to face encounter]

2010-01-05T12:00:00.005-05:00

Well damn. In the last part of the story, I explained how Pilot and I were kinda caught in a compromising situation... and then forgot it ever happened.
After an unexpected call from Jacob Wannabe, the bickering is set aside and the search for the perfect red dress failed. However, that wouldn't deter me from my mission of looking like a million bucks at the NYE party and makin' ma momma proud of the genes she passed on.

Part III: Looked over, but not overlooked

After I had finally given up on my quest to convince my boss to let me leave early on New Year's eve.... I find out, I have pending Paid Time Off, that does NOT roll into the new year.

So I gotta just lose my hard worked paid time off?! Oh HELL no.

I throw a minor tantrum and rant about how I've been forced to work EVERY holiday this year and I have not complained, and how the company was not acting ethically by having the same people working on holidays when clearly, the same people were getting all the holidays off.

So, my PTO was used so I could leave early. Granted, they spread out the hours over 3 different day, but I was leaving early enough to get there before 12 so I didn't mind too much honestly.

The day comes around. I get to work with my after-work kit: dress, heels, necklace and make up, which mainly consisted of black mascara and red lipstick.

10:30 rolls around and I rush out to change and look like a million bucks, or as close as I can get in a bathroom stall at work. And SHIT. It worked alright. At this point, I didn't really know if the red lipstick would look good with everything else.... but once I had it on... Kaboom.

I had my own little Bow-chicka-bow-wow moment in the bathroom when I realized that, despite lacking the red dress, I had the badass bitch look on me and I was ready to rock it.

Make that boy regret his decisions was at the top of my list of final achievements for 2009.

I had worn my trench coat to work that day, which proved to be a good idea, since the black dress rather short and I kinda wanted to have a BANG moment when I decided to take off the coat.

I got there, but everyone was downstairs at that point, so no major coat moment.

I head down and... everyone is there... My heart starts skipping beats and my hands are shaking and my knees are weak... I mean.... I thought I could do this, but I start realizing there are some flaws in my plan. For one, everyone there has a date, and I'm the only one who's gonna be painstakingly single there... and as much as I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, I was there by myself. An accomplice in my plan would have at least spared me the awkward moment in which I had to stand on my own cuz everyone else was making out with their respective date, if anything, by making conversation with me and providing comedic relief. But no. Here I was on my own at the verge of a stairway to hell and feeling my self-assurance plummet deeply and quickly. This was not good.

What kicked me out of my funk was...

...a gorilla suit.

Pilot's younger brother, whom we'll call Movie, had dressed up in a gorilla suit and danced around to a techno beat. As I was staring down at those damn stairs, he ran up, and, right by the door frame decided to hump my leg.

Yes. This is real life. I was relieved from a panic attack by a guy who humped my leg in a gorilla suit. Go friggin figure.

I get to the bottom of the stairs and just walk into the party, hoping that I don't have one of my fainting episodes and ruin the grand entrance, and well, fuck up my moment.

And there they were. First thing I saw in the room. Jacob and PB and everyone else.

You know how you can feel someone's eyes on you? Looking at you? I felt it alright.

She stared. He did a double take and then a look over. I looked at them both in the eye... and then laughed.

Because I'm a brave little solider, I battled on, and went straight to the back of the room in search for some liquid courage in the from of alcohol... but there was none. Water was the only other option at this point. As much as I had enjoyed the entrance, there was still the rest of the party to deal with and my hands were still shaking.

But on I went, and said hello to everyone, starting by the person next to Jacob and "failing to notice" that they were there.

I walked around a bit, got a lot of compliments and managed to ease my nerves a bit and just loosen up. I talked to some of my friends, danced a little, got ready for the ball dropping (we see it on the projector screen every year), and pretended to be cool by leaving the room every time I got a call, which happened 3 times.

I'll admit that I was watching to see if he was looking and his eye caught mine a couple times to which I just looked away.

I got my drink for the new years toast, huddled with my brother and braced myself for the arrival, but my brother scurried away when the countdown began and I stood there, unfortunately, behind the evil two on my own.

Except that, like all magical moments in life, in the last 10 seconds, my grandparents arrived and I was caught by the New Year hugging my gramps and feeling overjoyed.

Well damn.

That wasn't so bad after all. Sure as hell beat nagging my brother to kiss my cheek. lol.

We sing happy birthday for my brother, and who woudda thunk it, Jacob's mom, both of whose birthdays are January1st.

After that I left the room. I got a bunch of text messages at once and of course, I had a couple calls coming through.

By the time I came back downstairs, they had both left.

After that, my night was just fun. Danced a little. Laughed a lot. Ate like crazy. Chilled with the dominican crew. Talked with a couple friends. Made a few new ones.

But, that split second double take still lingered in my mind.

I was most certainly not over looked that night.

Don't miss the next part of the story, in which I explain The Star Wars movie night and hope that Ally doesn't want to kill me.

Catch y'all laterz

-Jezz

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

2010-01-04T12:00:00.002-05:00

After an intense night of bickering with Jacob Wannabe, Pilot intervened and cut off the drama. Little did I expect what he had in store. After the Secret Santa party, I agreed to stay later with the guys and watch a movie. Pilot started to explain why he butted into the conversation, and ended up coming clean about a crush.

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

So damn.

Pilot has a crush on me?

[How middle school does that sound?]

After a brief minute of awkward silence in which I'm -as usual- dumbstruck in confusion, he kissed me.

*Please note the wording here.*

And crap... he was a better kisser than I would've though too.

So after another slightly awkward silence, we're in a compromising situation where I'm thinking: There is something SO WRONG in this mess, and he's thinking "I feel like I'm betraying Jacob" and well... there's no undo button in real life.

Well fuck.

Uhm... so yeah. About that.

We keep talking and agree that this is just... uhm... the twilight zone and well... I can't remember anything.

So yeah. The end.

I guess.

The next day, Jacob calls.

To my own surprise, he apologized for the Secret Santa. Uhm... okaaay...

He goes on to mention he really liked his Secret Santa present, and said that it was a size too small. He asked for a gift receipt to which I answered that I put in the bag, and *aw shucks* he must've lost it [haha]. He asks where I bought it, to which I assure him that it must've been Ross, even though I knew it was Target.

So, he goes on to mention that the dominican crew is watching Avatar soon at a 3-D theatre and also having a Star Wars marathon and invited me to come along to both. I said it would be cool hanging out with the guys before the quarter started again Monday, and told him to let me know.

I mean, everyone's going, so it shouldn't be too bad right? Besides, I've been cooped up home all winter break depressed about everything and sketching like a possessed artist in the verge of insanity.

SO at this point, there's another problem boiling over: The red dress.

I had agreed, after being threaten to death by fashion students, to wear a red dress to the NYE party [to which Jacob Wannabe decided he was taking PB as his date] and look like a million bucks... except... well, all the red dresses in the state of GA had disappeared into a big black hole and no-one could find them. I went to 5 malls in search of the damn thing and NADA! no one red dress that did not say "old" or "tacky" on it.

I was forced to make a back up plan in which... well, I wore a black dress.

So black dress shopping I went. And I found one... oh yeah I did.

I found a black dress and then I found a gold necklace and then I found gold shoes and... it was a wrap.

When I tried that black dress... I kid you not... I knew it was the one. The fit was perfect. It even made my butt look big lol. SO yeah. It was pretty much a wrap.

The final issue was work. I work a late shift, so I'm usually in past midnight. The problem ensued that I didn't want to be at work past midnight on NYE. Well duh.

After a month's work of insistence and reluctance, I finally resigned myself with the fact that I wouldn't be able to get there before 12 cuz of work.

Oh well. *sigh*

to be continued...

Part I: The Secret Santa Debacle [aka Coming Clean: The Great Revelation]

2010-01-03T17:59:00.003-05:00

SO in the last post I skipped from Episode II in star wars to a drastic change of emotion on JWB.
yeah about that...
It was past 6 am and I had no common sense.
~~Or I can blame it on~~ Never mind, that part came after.
So here ye, hear ye.
In this post I go back to the beginning, sort of, and start to explain the holiday season drama. The finale is yet to come, although you guys kinda already had a preview anyway.

Part I: The Secret Santa debacle

My last explanatory post was me being pissed about the Secret Santa draw, in which, out of 17 people, I get the ONE person I'm avoiding like a plague. Let's pick it up from here.

I avoided the though of the secret santa completely, in hopes that it would somehow, magically change the outcome of my draw and I wouldn't have to get the guy a present.
Haha.
Didn't work.
The day of the Secret Santa, I'm at Target trying to figure out the most classiest, discreet fuck off present I could find. I had to keep it clean though, the family was going to be there for the opening of the presents.
So...
I bought him a tshirt I knew for a fact he would really like.
In a size too small
and didn't add a gift receipt.
HAHA. Take that MF~!

I get back home and get dressed. Looking rocker chick cool with pumps so high that the heel could stab someone easily, I was put together without trying too hard.
Pilot picks me up, we hang out at his house before everyone gets there.
Jacob calls me and offers to come pick me up at my house, but I totally diss him off cuz I already made my own plans and I'm cool like that.
Guests arrive. We're all there. Rockband comes on, and we're back at the usual spots: Pilot does drums, Jacob does bass, I do vocals and everyone else rotates on guitar.
Jacob sits next to me and we talk, sort of, with sarcastic, bitter comments flying back and forth and me trying to keep face and hold my own as Jacob is bent in causing as much damage with his words as I could imagine. I felt like I was being torn apart bit by bit.
Pilot eventually stepped in the conversation and cut it off cuz well, it was getting outta hand and it was kinda obvious I wasn't too happy about it either...
The Karaoke comes on and then I'm stuck singing "I will survive" in front of everyone and well, shit, I got into it and managed to sneak a dirty look or two at the MF... I mean, might as well, right?
Anyhow, we gather to open presents. Pilot's mom has said that We have to describe the person we're giving the present to, and say something nice about him/her. [Moments like this make me realize God has a fucked up sense of humor].
Pilot was my Secret Santa, and gave me a pj set and fuzzy blue slippers.
This may seem rather random, but it was actually an invitation to stay for the whole party spend the night over with the rest of the fam on new year's eve/new year's day.
I get up, and start off that the person I'm secret santa is ... dominican. (like everyone else is)... and a guy... goes to college.. and ... can you tell I was pretty much struggling for words?I eventually give up on the pretense and just say he like martial arts and engineering and it's Jacob.
I hand him the present and well, just avoid looking at him at all costs.
He shows off the tshirt and says he likes it, and well the end. We stuck around til it ended.
Jacob decided to leave and Pilot walked him out n they talked for a bit.
I was just happy it was over with.
We go back to Karaoke. My mom is hanging out and chilling, me and Pilot get into the karaoke, get in a couple of songs and dance and sing and laugh and had a good time.
Everyone starts leaving and my mom was heading out too... I was about to head out when Pilot suggests I stay a while longer and he'll take me home. I say cool, and we watch Ferris Bueller's day off.
The thing is that... somewhere along the line... he decided to explain why he cut off the conversation earlier between me and Jacob and well, comes clean and says that he has a crush on me.
O_O WHAAAAAAT?!

to be continued....

Fuck good music, cold weather and sleeping pills. God has a fucked up sense of humor.

2010-01-03T07:00:00.004-05:00

well fuck any new years resolutions I might have made...

I think I don't learn a lesson.. under no circumstances....

Shit...

I agreed to go watch star wars with JWB and Pilot
I had to bring my little bro
After a million in one issues, we finally watch Episode I
My mom goes crazy paranoid and wants me back home asap
she comes to pick me up, but stays talking to Pilot's mom while I'm at the basement with the guys watching Episode II....
and....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post is now being interrupted for the following is a Public Service Announcement.

The part of my post that was originally here, was removed due to being a spoiler of the latest shenanigans I've been up to involving Jacob Wannabe.
So I removed it and now you have to wait til I story in chronological, sequential order.
Sue me. ☺
But since I'm sorta kinda cool, I'll let you guys keep the ending though :P
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that this doesn't change anything...
but fuckkk....
God has a sense of humor and irony that is not beyond me right now....
cause seriously...
Shit...
I need to get some sleep.

Notes on a chapter closed

2010-01-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

I have been neglecting my blog.
I know... I know.
I've been avoiding all kinds of thinking lately.

To sum the end of 09:
Pilot has a crush on me or something
Jacob Wannabe is still with the ex
Jacob did indeed bring PB to the NYE party...
.... and I looked smokin hot and she kinda looked like a 12 year old. Major WIN :P

They (JWB & PB) left early
I spoke to Babes for like an hour
I danced with my grandpa :D

SO.
In light that we are now in 2010, (and two years away from our cataclysmic demise) its kinda time to let bygones be bygones and move on.
Here's to a great year with all the good things the last one lacked ;)

Well damn

2009-12-29T20:20:00.000-05:00

Playlist Side A: Joon Jun d(0_o)b

2009-12-29T18:53:00.000-05:00

Side A: Joon Jun d(0_o)b

1.Foo Fighters - Next Year

2.Anthony Green - Baby Girl

3.Textures - Awake

4.Mudvayne - A Cinderella Story

5.Jay - Z - Venus vs. Mars

6.Drake - Best I've Ever Had

7.50 Cent - Do You Think About Me

8.Dredg - Zebraskin

9.Deftones - Drive (The Cars)

10.A Perfect Circle - Blue

11.Charles Hamilton - Sat(T)Elite

12.Sevendust - Crucified

13.Limp Bizkit - Nobody Like You

14.Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix)

15.Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage

16.Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong

17.Trey Songz - Cheated

18.Saosin - Why Cant You See?

19.Circa Survive - The Great Golden Baby

20.Staind - Mudshovel

21.Korn - Alone I Break

22.Mario - Ooh Baby

23.Kanye West - Supernova

24.Red Cafe - I Just Wanna Be

25.Yung Berg - All Nite Long

26.Timbaland - Say Something

27.Them Crooked Vultures - No One Loves Me & Neither Do I

28.Audioslave - Be Yourself

29.Staind - Believe

30.Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box

31.The Fall Of Troy - Single

32.Misery Signals - Labyrinthian

33.Mase - Cheat On You

34.The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

35.Plies - Becky

36.Slipknot - Snuff

37.Armor For Sleep - Slip Like Space

38.Green Day - 21 Guns

39.Breaking Benjamin - Without You

40.Marcy Playground - I Smell Sex And Candy

Jessica Leigh Griffith's tribute to nice girls

2009-12-25T23:56:00.000-05:00

Jessica Leigh Griffith's tribute to nice girls...

so much truth I don't even know where to begin!

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing – - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend – - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

WTF!!! part 2- Behind every bitch there was once a nice girl who got screwed over

2009-12-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin this one...
To add insult to injury, the dude (Jacob wannabe) called me last night....
and I feel like an idiot for answering even though I knew better... even though I was with the girls and after the whole Secret Santa fiasco I was still pretty pissed, but I mean.... shiit... I still answered the phone and I feel like an idiot for it.

This is going to be a completely honest post.

Jacob Wannabe called from his home phone.
I answered. We started talking. He basically tells me how much he likes talking to me because I listen and don't judge... uhm... ok... (was he trying to convince himself or something?)
anyhow... he keeps rambling and rambling and eventually gets to the point.
He's calling to let me know he's very likely to go back to being "officially" back together with PB.... uhm... so... wow...
and this dude has the NERVE!! to tell me how even though alot of BS has passed, he still thinks I'm one of his closest friends, and keeps telling me how he never meant to let this happen and how I'm an amazing person....
can someone please explain to me how you diss someone while complimenting them? Cuz that's exactly what happened.
Long story short, this was the punchline:
-I'm sorry this happened
-I really like you
-You're an amazing person
-You're one of my closest friends
-I have alot of growing up to do
-I want to remain close friends because in the future I will most likely want a relationship with you
-I'm really childish and immature
-I really hope we can still be close because I can really talk to you openly
-I was scared shitless of this conversation, and I finally got the balls to tell you
-I want to think that you'll be willing to give me a chance again somewhere down the line
-PB will most likely officially be my date for the NYE party.

At this point, I'll admit that I was above everything offended... and pissed off...
so...
I got drunk.
REALLY drunk.
So much so that I was happy and pissed at the same time, while lying on the floor in Betty's room and looking at the glow in the dark stars on her roof and thinking I was outside and debating on my plan of action if it started to rain.
so yeeeahh... uhm... I don't know what else to say to that...
Ooh and I forgot to mention, he asked me about the Secret Santa. and asked who I got... and also asked if it was him.
ha.
fuck meee.
I went on a rant about how ridiculous that would be and why on earth if this was a random draw with 18 people in it (including myself) I would get him.... lol. so yeah.. about that...

At this point, I HAVE to wear a friggin red dress... and now I need to come up with a date for the NYE party... and shit... Babes is out of town until the 12th of January... and who the hell would I beg to pretend to date me for the sake of appearances on NYE??? Maybe on any other day... but damn, NYE?!

so yeah...
talk about ending the year (and hopefully the whole story) with a bang... shiiit...

I have the headache from hell and I need to go get ready for work now.
Needless to say, I'm not the nicest one from the bunch today...
or for the rest of the year for that matter....
Cuz behind every heartless bitch, lies a nice girl that got screwed over by a jerk.
*sigh*

Catch y'all laters guys.

-Jezz

WTF!!!!

2009-12-21T19:30:00.002-05:00

This is my official rant. Consider yourself forewarned, so deal with it.
**PS... pardon the language.

WTF!

My mom's best friend, a close family friend, is hosting a Secret Santa...
17 people, of the youngsters...
We're doing it by numbers.
I pick number 13.
WHY THE FUCK!!!! have I gotten MF"N!! JACOB WANNABE!!!!

I mean, this totally a luck of the draw, random and shit...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
THIS IS NOT COOL.

I've managed to keep everything at bay and kept my distance from the guy and everything... and I get THIS?!

Not to mention the fact that I still have to deal with New Years eve...
Oh wait right, I havent posted THAT story yet.

SO remember PWB?
Yeahh... uhm...
My grandparents are in town.
So it's pretty much a given that I have to show up with the rest of the fam to the NYE party...
When this came to light, about a month ago, I threatened Jacob Wannabe that I was going and I didn't even want to remotely consider the whole birthday fiasco reoccurring again.
A few weeks later... he tells me PWB IS coming to the family NYE party.
OOOOH FUCK.
This is gonna get awkward.
so, at this point we're both forewarned and we're on somewhat amicable terms, for the sake of sanity.
My friends, most of them fashion design students, come up with an elaborate scheme in which I wear a red dress to the NYE party and look like a million bucks and basically show off that I'm in control of da binniz and give off a bad ass bitch attitude... but the problem is... I don't usually wear red, and truth be told, I'm not a badass bitch, I'm a nice person....
so I tell my mom the happenings... you know, gotta keep her somewhat informed of what's going on... and she concurrs with my friends and also insists that I wear a smokin red dress... so I guess red it's gonna have to be! well damn...

and NOW THIS?!!?!

this is some BS.

Now, I mean, seriously... what are the effin odds.. I was like one of the first few people to pick my secret Santa recipient... I mean c'mon... this is just fucked up on a bunch of levels...
but hey.. at least I know what he likes, right???

too pissed to keep blogging..
ttyl laters
[>_<']

-Jezz

Holiday Season goodbyes

2009-12-13T15:31:00.002-05:00

So it's officially the "HOLIDAY Season" and we're in on Winter break and everyone is happy that the quarter is finally over and yadda yadda yadda.

I'll admit that I've been working really hard and consistently on catching up on my missing hours of sleep, and I've gotten presents for almost everyone in my budget-conscious list and so-far, everything has turned out pretty good.

But as all good things come, they must also leave. My friends, mostly from out of town, have all been going back home :(

Oddly enough, they're managing to meet up in NYC and Atlantic City, and even if I could afford to I can't go... oh well.

Anyhow, the real reason behind me posting this is because I didn't realize that I would miss my friends this much... OOzi, Babes, KK, 'nae, Spitz, Gayman, Corleone, E, Dex, J... all of em!
Sounds weird that I'd miss em that much since I'm usually @ work and it's only gonna be like 3 weeks anyway, right? I know, I know... I'm a softie at heart.

So, after an endless night of packing and cleaning, and then some down time to chill, we were off to say our good byes at the airport.

Everything was going well until, well I had to say goodbye to Babes, ma bestie.
Some unexpected deja vu came through and here we were again, saying good bye as he goes off to Philly and I go back to real life... For a minute I felt kinda like November 07 when he same scenario happened the first time, a lifetime ago.
Old habits die hard I guess?

Idk, I guess we just know who really counts, even when we purposely forget to acknowledge it.

I'm off to work again peoples

catch y'all laters!!

ThanksGiving!

2009-11-26T23:31:00.000-05:00

Dearest all!!!
Why Helllooo!!!
Sooo, it's thanksgiving and although I'm working, I can still manage to find a couple things to day, right
I know. I should be with the family n stuff... it really was not my choice, but hey, holiday pay works, right? Yeahh... about that...
Anyhow...
I want to mention the things that I AM really TRULY grateful for:

My mom- who, despite everything (and there has been plenty) has managed to keep moving forward and keeping a soulful spirit
My chinese boy- whom has helped me see the challenges of parenting (even though he's my youngest brother)
Dude, my middle brother. Who has helped me realize exactly what I DON'T like in men, and how our family is affected by the changes we've gone through
My family -because the world is meaningless without people to share your life with
My job- because even when I feel as though I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to see the sunlight- it has kept my family fed and bills paid
Cooco Sooz and Babes- because they help me remember that life is not as serious as I unwittingly wrap myself into. Because through thick & thin, they have managed to make me find humor in everything. Because they decided to move across state lines to support my crazy self & be HERE
for food. Cuz I'm a fatass and I eat like well, a fatass. So hey.
Oh and the Good genes cuz they keep me looking good despite my fatass appetite
Cell phones cuz we get to reach out to anyone, virtually anywhere; making the world smaller and larger at the same time
Anything with chocolate, because it calms me when I'm about to have a meltdown
Dreams & vision.
because they help us transcend who we are and where we came from and empower us to reach for higher standards, deeper values, and help us realize the potential inside each and everyone of us.

Although I didn't get to hang out with the fam and eat consistently all day long, My mom brought me food :) and Jacobwannabe brought me food and hung out with me during my lunch break :D
And I'm going black friday shopping after i gets outta here :P

<3 much love y'all

-Jezz

A sad reality we fail to notice

2009-11-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Maybe GA is too small for my social circle...

2009-11-21T23:48:00.001-05:00

.... or maybe I need to dye my hair a different shade now that I'm officially avoiding Jacob Wannabe once again
.... or maybe I need to stop hanging out with my bestie, who at 6'1 tall (yes, barefoot!) is becoming a landmark to find me when I'm out.

So, remember the New Moon Premiere I was so happy about??
Yeah, about that...

Jacob Wannabe was there. With PB.
Que decirte!

He mentioned, in passing, that he was going to see the premiere, and I mentioned I was going too.
Before I get into any further detail, let me just say:
Jacob wannabe lives about an hour away from my side of town.
He goes to school about 1/2 away from where I go to school, which is also in my side of town.
PB goes to school 4 hours away from where I live.

So, that said; Can someone PLEASE explain to me WTF this dude and this chick were at THE SAME THEATER I went to?!?!?!
This is still rather baffling to me.
I spotted him in the line to get into the movie (which, I might add, went around the plaza where I went to see the movie) & I saw him again in the vending line, while waiting to get some popcorn.
My friends printed their tickets all together, and all had auditorium 7 on them... I printed mine at work, and it had auditorium 8 on it. We didn't think too much of it cuz, hell, it's the same movie in all the damn auditoriums anyway.
So my mind keeps wondering if I really did see him or not, or wtf, and we finally are able to enter the auditoriums to watch the movie, but hey, I can't sit with my friends cuz I have to go to 8, not 7; cuz 7 is sold out, even though there are over 50 empty seats in it.
I went to the box office with Babes, and we were told the same.... but I wasn't having none of that. Babes offered to swap his ticket at the box office in order for us to sit in 8; but that wasn't going to satisfy me either... so... Babes went in, took out CoccoSooz's ticket, and gave it to me, and I was in. Yayyyy!!
The movie was pretty awesome :) Not better than the book, but then again, when does that ever happen anyway?
I was, of course, going for Team Jacob :P even when I know Edward is the real thing. Taylor Lautner is well, delicious looking... to the point where my mom agrees with me on that (lol yeah, imagine THAT conversation); and Babes was rather resented cuz I like Taylor Lautner (the dude that plays Jacob) and he was a very obvious resemblance to Jacob wannabe (hence the name); but whatever.
I went home, all good, night's over yadda yadda yadda, I hit the bed, night night y'all.

Next day, I get a text from Jacob wannabe himself, telling me we were at the same theater and he saw me a couple times. I asked how he could be sure it was me... and he said he saw me with Soozi. Dammit (this is why I say she's becoming a landmark).
I asked why he didn't bother to come and say hi, and he explained that he was with PB. ( SO I WASN'T CRAZY AFTER ALL!) and that he didn't want her to get all upset and well, psycho.
I was a little curious... so I asked him what auditorium he was in.... he said 8, and that there was barely15-20 people in that one.
WELL DAMN!
I'll admit I spent about an hour laughing at the fact that my minor tantrum with Babes spared me a looong dramatic encounter with the evil creature that PB is.... Jesus works in magical, mysterious ways.
Anyhow y'all....
In sum, the movie was good, the ending was expected (if you've read the books anyway) but good nonetheless and I had fun; all of which is what really matters.

Til the next one folks
-Jezz

All in a moment's notice

2009-11-18T00:34:00.000-05:00

This is a mental note. This is an archive. This is a reminder, a "saving the date for future reference" post. This is me keeping a time-line of the story behind the scenes. This is me being a pessimist and mentally preparing myself for the backlash of the whip.

Monday night was not supposed to be like this.
I was not supposed to let you hold my hand, nor give me a hug like you and I were not just mere acquaintances, or at most friends; a hug that gave me inappropriate mental images and left my head whirling.
I was not supposed to talk to you for hours on end like nothing as ever happened and we are two people simply getting to know each other.

But I did.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened. I don't know if it was something you said, or if it was something you did. I don't know what the hell it was, but it got me good.

I'm starting to let my guard down with you.
Looking back, last night, I did things I'd never done in the 5 months I've known you. I let myself stop freaking out about the meaning and implications and situations and just really enjoyed the moment.
I laid my head on your lap, and looked up at you. We talked for a bit. I took your hand and placed it on my cheek, so you would touch my face. You traced your fingers lightly, almost tenderly, and I felt joy. We talked, I laughed and forgot about the boundaries and consequences, I stopped the screaming voices in my head and just relished the moment.
I even reached up for a kiss, which you landed on the tip of my nose with a smile. For a split second, it crossed my mind that the moment I was relishing in was not with the person I have those kind of moments with, Babes. It was with you, Jacob wannabe.
That night... It was rather memorable to me...
but you... you drove home and disappeared away into the night, into reality, into life and I crash land into the world off of cloud 9 wondering when I'm going to feel the sting after the burn and if I'll be able to handle it with grace. I hope so.
Until then, I'll just hang on to that moment, that little trace of what could be but will not.

What had happened was....

2009-11-15T23:09:00.000-05:00

I swear it wasn't my fault!

Ok, well, kinda.
Y'all already know where this post is going.
I did... again.
Well, actually, not kinda.
So what, yeah, I hung out with Jacob wannabe again.
Let me make it clear that this was on a Friendship-only basis, and there was no date-ish crap involved. Ok maybe a little. He bought me a milkshake and paid for my entrance to the movie. The END.
Anyhow, all in all it went pretty well. Rather insightful day it was.

In light that we haven't really hung out recently, we were just catching up, talking both amongst ourselves and with our friends, Blackwhite guy and American Kate Winslett; who were house sitting for some of their friends.
Jacob wannabe's been rather caught up in his own drama, to which, after lending an ear for him to vent some frustration, I'll limit myself to saying is rather fukttup, and with which I have maintained myself as far as possible. I sure as hell don't wanna be there when shit hits the fan cause it ain't going to be pretty.

On the other hand, I can tell you that I figured out that I like my dogs the way I like my men. lmao. This came to light because where we were there were 3 dogs: 2 Great Danes and a Doberman.
Back in the day, (which was a Wednesday by the way.... Dane Cook joke) in DR, I had 2 Rottweilers, which had several litters together. The very last litter was birthed in the guest bathroom of my house, and for almost 5 months, we had a set of 12 puppies running around the yard, yapping away with their adorable baby barks.
Anyhow, for those of you that don't know, a doberman is pretty much the anorexic version of a Rottweiler. Literally, they have the same marks, the same features, same colors. The only (Very noticeable) difference is well, weight/build.
Now, I don't wanna hear none of that BS that people say about Rottweiler's being vicious and big. They are big softies. I loved my rotties and to this day, anytime I see one I get overwhelmed by an intense desire to hug one.
That said, after some thinking.... I came to the conclusion that the Pilot is to Jacob Wannabe as a Doberman is to a Rottweiler.
Well DAMN! I'll admit that I burst out in laughter at the thought of it, cuz, well... yeah about that.
So, with that said... I'll stand by the fact that I like my men like I like my dogs: built, scary looking, big softies, and that are able to make me feel safe, and well, with some meat on their bones! lol

Back to the real theme of the post, the date-ish thing whatever with Jacob Wannabe and our friends went pretty well. Nothing overwhelming. Watched the movie "The Box" (a post on that is coming later on), went back to the house, cooked some chill and rice, and ate while watching "I love you Beth Cooper". Went back home. The end.
We spent over 2 hours talking when he dropped me off home... and well, what can I say? I like the guy. I like a lot of things about him... but damn, there are plenty of UGLY things in there too.... most of which are deal breakers for me.

But, on the brighter side of things, listening to him talk about all his BS & drama, I finally finally FINALLY figured out why the hell I have such a damn infatuation with the guy:
He is literally, EVERYTHING I WANT, wrapping up EVERYTHING I DON'T.
How's that for an relationship version of Pandora's box.
the fuckktup part about everything is that KNOWING and SEEING the ugly parts does not, very regrettably, take away the attraction to the good parts... so yeah... about that... since we all do what we can or what we must... the only real thing I can say is that I gotta keep ma distance.

In even greater news, I can say I am anxiously waiting on Thursday....
NEW MOON bitzniches!!
I'm going to the midnight premiere straight outta work :P
So even if I can't get the reality checked version of Jacob in my life, I can at least watch the "real" Jacob, in the movie, and dream like a 12 year-old school girl crushing on the cute boy in class. lol
I've already got my ticket, lest it should happen to be sold out (yes, it has happened pretty much everywhere around here), and I'm going with my besties :) I'm even dragging Babes into this one lol
I'll leave y'all with a poster of the good stuff in the movie :P

Catch y'all laters
-Jezz ♥

Thicker than water

2009-11-14T03:39:00.000-05:00

Oh Bloood,
so much thicker than water
you're drowning me twice as fast
a cross between mud and and quicksand
murky and sticky
no matter how dirty things are
I am unavoidably bound to you
and the more I struggle, the sooner I sink
I'm trying my best to just give in, but
how do you hold still watching your life pass by,
feeling each moment slip through your fingertips
seeing snapshots of what could've been flashing before your eyes
while slowly losing faith that you'll ever get out of this alive?
All we have is fear & faith, hoping for another chance to seize the day

"Slowing Down"- Anthony Green

2009-11-14T00:06:00.000-05:00

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long time coming.
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never change.
Well I never wanted it to feel like this, to feel this way.

I'm just afraid that if you stay...

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long, long, long, long time...
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never ever change.
Well I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me.

[[[ I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll hate you...]]] (#._.#)

Prisioner of my own desicions

2009-11-09T01:39:00.000-05:00

Well Damm. Post Secret, ya manage to do it again.

Maybe at some point things will be different. Until then, I must say I concur.

Dad - part of the untold story

2009-11-04T02:41:00.000-05:00

I don't really talk about my dad. In all honesty, I'll admit that I avoid thinking about him as much as possible. However, my tumulous relationship with him marginally defines my view of men, my fears and my own relationships.
My dad was never really there. For circumstances I can't quite explain, my parents were split for 9 years, which began when I was 1 & 1/2. They did, however manage to get back together when I was somewhere between 9 and 10, and thus my little brother, whom I'll nickname Chino, came to be.
After almost 7 years together again, my parents decided to move to the US from Dominican Republic. Much debate ensued from the idea, and finally, my mom moved to the US and my dad was left behind to finish up the process. Except it never quite finished.
Again, for circumstances I can't quite explain, my dad never made it to the US.
Instead, he found a mistress, whom happened to be a family friend whom we knew from church. Yes, there is ugly in this world, and I'll admit that my dad having such a richeous and do-gooder attitude and character bit him in the ass. This would also be the part where I mention that my grandfather, whom I love and adore, also had a mistress whom was my grandmother's niece. The real reason I mention this is because my dad, richeous do-gooder as aforementioned, was ruthlessly judgemental of my grandfather's affair; and then ended up having to choke on his own words.
Anyhow, my relationship with my father has always been tumultous, conflicting.
I was a free-spirited child. I was, by no means an angel. I was curious as hell, and sneaky too. I will however give myself some credit and say that I was on the good side of things. I was pretty much your average kid.

I don't mean to critize my dad in a negative light, I understand that as parents, no-one hands you a guide book on how to discipline your kid and how to raise them to be honorable, well-rounded, disciplined individuals. I know in my heart of hearts that he had the very best intentions in mind and that he loves me.
But, as we say Amor no quita conocimiento (love does not take away knowledge). My dad was not the easiest person to get along with. He has such a rough personality, a rough character. He fails to understand the power of his words and his critique, both for positive and negative. In many ways, his harsh ways are part of the mold for my own character and also the demon behind my own insecurities.
In his effort to build a strong character in me, he has also left vestiges of fear and self-doubt that I constantly struggle with. I'll admit that, to this day, I constantly seek for my parent's approval in everything I do, out of fear and respect. This has also caused me alot of pain, and sacrifice, but I just don't feel right when my parents dissaprove of something I've decided to do. I feel hindered, like there are chains over my shoulder. I feel like there is a black cloud over my head wherever I go.
My main gripe about him has always been that he fails to realize that you catch more flies with a teaspoon of honey than a barrel of vinegar.... and quite the barrel he had.

He was a cadet, it was his dream to be an army man, but for medical reasons, he had to drop out. He was always very strict, organized and methodical from a young age, according to what my grandmother has told me. These strict views collided with my need for independence and liberty and space. During my high-school years, I was usually only allowed to go 3 places: Church, school, and my grandmother's house. Other than that, I had to be with either parent everywhere I went.... all the way through Senior year in highschool.
Yeah.... about that. This triggered me to learn how to climb out the balcony, over the roof, walk the wall between my house and my neighbor's and jump over the 15ft fence in my house. Yes, I did. This was my only way to see the world, even if it was only to catch a cab to my bestie's house to sit on her porch and talk bs with a group of people. To this day, I wonder if I really got away with it, or if he turned a blind eye on me and let me THINK I got away with it. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Nowadays, my dad is in Spain. From what I know, he has officially broken away from the mistress. Then again, we hardly ever talk, so what do I know, really?
During the years we lived together, my dad hardly acknowledged birthdays. He would usually wake me up earlier and express, in a very formal tone, that he wished that I had a good day, and I had the opportunity to have many more birthdays. I don't know bout y'all, but to my 11 year old self, this was rather puzzling and quite dissapointing.

This year, however, he managed to remember my birthday, early even. It's this Thursday, and he already called my mom and spoke to her because I was alseep yesterday.
He sent a present this year, all the way from Spain. He also sent a card.
Although many people see this as customary and unimpressive.... it means the world to me.
I'm literally in tears over it.
He sent the meaning of both my first and second name, in little framed boxes.
These have a personal meaning. In my grandmother's house, where I lived for part of my childhood, there were two sets, one for my grandmother, and one for my grandfather; and I would always look at these in awe, because of how simple and charming they were. I remember mentioning to my dad that I wanted a set of my own at some point. Now, I have my own.

The real reason I'm writing this post is for anyone out there with a kid. Anyone out there with a daughter, any dads that might happen to be reading this.
Know that, as a man, and as a father figure, you mold your child's personality and your actions impact very profoundly on their lives. Know that your lack of expression of affection will not go unnoticed in them, and will leave them craving for something only you have: true, uninterested love and aprooval.
Know that you are the stick to which they measure the men they will have their lives, and in your absence, the only other way they end up judging men is through facts, hearsay and trial & error.
So, if you happen to have a daughter, tell her she is the most beautiful child on this earth and make sure she knows you love her.

As for me, I've added my little frames to my wall. I promise to post a picture later on.

Night night y'all.

-Jezz

Well damn

2009-11-03T23:50:00.001-05:00

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

-C.S. Lewis

Help? anyone??

2009-11-03T20:35:00.001-05:00

I'm doing a little maintenance. I get bored with things looking the same for too long,and frankly, I like the whole idea of switching things around.

I do not like, however, things not going as planned and things not working as they should.
Sadly, this is the case for my header.
I'm trying to add an image.... and no matter wtf I do, it still doesn't work :(
Any ideas or solutions for this?? I miss having a wonderful image up there :/
Helpppppp!

Soul meets body ♥

2009-10-30T03:12:00.000-04:00

"Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Bike dude

2009-10-29T20:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Bike dude,

I don't know your name.
Let's start at the fact that we rode the same bus and the same train
for over a year and even though we never spoke, we were both fully aware of each others presence. I say this because, well, you'd race me to the door and up the stairs every time we'd get to the station. I always hated that, bike and everything, there would be times you'd beat me to the train, however I'll admit that this unspoken competition was, a couple times, the highlight of my day, and for that, I pay tribute to it on this post.
One of the last time I saw you, a couple of months back, I took a candid picture of you. kind of stalker-ish, I know, but in all honesty, not ill- intentioned. I just wanted a memory.
Nowadays, I take an earlier bus, to catch my torturous 8am class, to which I am always 15 minutes late, and I never see you. I did, recently though, decide to skip the 8am class and ended up taking a later bus. I wondered if I would see you, and I did. And although we don't talk, the competition was on and running again.
It's these little things that make life worth living. ♥.
I don't know if or when I'll see you again; and for that matter, I don't know if we'll ever talk, but it's been a good competition.

-Jezz

The thought that officially ended dating Jacob Wannabe

2009-10-29T20:03:00.000-04:00

Well dearest readers, the day has come!

I have FINALLY! pulled the plug on the Jacob Wannabe saga.
How!?! you ask; what has finally triggered the change?! (I know y'all aren't gonna ask why, cuz if you are ya haven't read a thing on the Jacob Wannabe story)
Anyhow, as I was saying, I finally stumbled upon a though that made me change my whole perspective on the dating-ish whatever it is we're doing:

"What would my grandmother say if she knew at least parts of the story?"

That changed my mind and my stance on everything about Jacob. See, it goes kinda like this.... My grandmother's favorite saying is Genio y figura hasta la sepultura. Basically, it means you should keep your character and your appearance impeccable to the grave.
Now, at this point in the story, I can't quite say I have... but I can't say I have not been graceful and respectable in the story.
However, I did hangout with him recently, and his actions and his demeanor were the usual, he's just a jerk by nature I suppose. This guy has the audacity to explain his new goal for the year: to completely break all ties to PB by the beginning of December.
Now, I'm being a little stupid here, but even I had to step in and just tell him that:
1) it's really fucked up that he's doing this
2) it's even more fucked up that he's telling me this
3) that he sees this as an accomplishment
4) that hanging out with him altogether makes me lose all faith in the male gender
5) that MAYBE, just MAYBE it would be a helluva lot easier (and faster, I might add) to just simple talk to her about the issue, explain himself and what he's feeling, and toodle-ooo be done with it.

Now, with that said, I came to the conclusion that, if the dude is doing this and telling me, God only knows what he's capable of and more than likely, he'd do the exact same thing to me.
On my way back home, I thought of how I'd explain all of this to my grandmother, and how she'd give me the "I cannot believe you have stooped so low" look, and truth be told, I can't even blame her.
For a 20 year old, I'll admit to having my life together: full time job, full time student, right hand to my single mother and fairy godmother to my little brother (whom I tend to spoil).
So, that said, can someone explain to me WHY the fuck (pardon the language) I'm wasting my time on someone who is quite obviously, rather far from my emotional mindset and independence level.... for pete's sake, he's still even getting an allowance! lol

All of this said, I also realized that being one of a bunch is not something I can live with, because he decided to be honest and explain that right now he's dating 3 different girls, and they are all from different countries, and they're all awesome. Okay dude... glad to know, but not really.

So, I'll keep it classy and keep it moving. There's a helluva lot more people in this world, and quite frankly, I'm starting to realize that sometimes we overlook the ones that really count.

Catch y'all later folks

-Jezz

More music to hit the heart

2009-10-26T01:56:00.000-04:00

That day, he downloaded a bunch of songs on my computer, while I was still asleep. Later that night, while I was in one of my insomniac streaks, I played all the songs in my library, only to hear a bunch of songs I love and hadn't downloaded myself.

Many people say that love comes to a person by their eyes, others by the mouth (good food), but this story, my friends, had a killer playlist, from the very first day. We started taking over 3 doors down's "Kryptonite". lol.

This post is a placeholder for the actual playlist I made, with my re-discovered songs.
TO be completed soon ;)

-Catch ya later chumps!!

Jezz

THE playlist- 5 years and counting

2009-10-26T01:54:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

5 years in a playlist
Current mood: mellow

The soundtrack to a never ending story
5 years in the making and i know that only you will understand it...

"kryptonyte" three doors down
"stupid girl" cold
"white flag" dido
"hollow life" korn
"ape dos mil" glassjaw
"understanding in a car crash" thursday
"box of sharp objects" the used
"mu empire" glassjaw
"mascara" deftones
"digital bath" deftones
"a certain shade of green" incubus
"epiphany" stained
"losing my religion" rem
"as you sleep" something corporate
"here without you" three doors down
"be quiet and drive" deftones
"unaffected" hoobastank
"the end of the world" the cure
"alt.end" the cure
"goodye for now" P.O.D.
"goodye to you" the used
"I miss you" blink182
"yesterday thru everything at me" athlete
"letters to you" finch
"seven years" saosin
"bury your head" saosin
"right here waiting" stained
"slowburn" revelation theory
"autumn's monologue" from autumn to ashes
"lucky you" deftones
"we're all theives" circa survive
"where'd you go?" fort minor
"handshakes at sunrise" circa survive
"saving me" nickelback
"seventeen" red jumpsuit apparatus
"thru the glass" stonesour
"everything changes" stained
"anti gravity love song" incubus
"wish you were here" incubus
"standing on the edge of summer" thursday
"rough hands" alexisonfire
"where no one knows" alexisonfire
"we're in this together" nine inch nails
"boiled frogs"alexisonfire
"forever" papa roach
"dig" incubus
"stars" hellyeah

This was a while back. WAAY back in a different lifetime it almost seems. A helluva lot has changed since, and I'll admit I haven't listened to the playlist since almost the time I published it... until this weekend.

I fell asleep watching a movie with Babes, as usual. Instead of finishing the movie, as he normally does, he put on the playlist and slept next to me.

I woke up crying and confused. I mean damn. Even in my sleep, at an unconscious level, my affection for Babes is there.

Puzzled, he looked at me like I came from another planet, trying to figure out wtf had me sobbing. He held me and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and to be honest, even at this point I have no friggin idea why I burst into tears.

His opinion is that I, ever so reluctant to talk about feelings in general, let alone my own, with another living person, keep too many things bottled up inside me... and well, they eventually come out, one way or another.

My thought on it is that, in a way, I really miss what we had and how we were. I say this because I know, in my heart of hearts, that even if we were to try things again, it wouldn't be the same. Not because we wouldn't be trying, but because we're both in very very different situations and circumstances in our lives, and the love I once had for him: devoted, unconditional, blind and naive; is now gone. My love isn't a love of innocence and illusion. It's tough love.
Maybe that's what we both need right now. Maybe that's what make real love work in real life, I don't know.
But the tears from that day were tears of longing for its return. Maybe in time we'll both be able to reach a point where we're willing to try to work things out... for now, all we can do is hope and take one day at a time!

Later folks

-Jezz ♥

What was meant to be a photo comment, but I couldn't admit to

2009-10-26T01:37:00.000-04:00

Jezzuka

mos def a good one. Sunny skies reflect in your eyes :)

May 26 at 7:43pm ·

Babes

thanks, i didn't notice that!

May 26 at 8:37pm

Jezzuka

make this one profileeeee! it makes me smile!

September 13 at 7:30pm ·

This was originally meant to be a photo comment.... but I couldn't manage to put myself out there like that.

This is the one that keeps me coming back. Takes my memories back to what once was. Makes me think of better times. I miss this as much as you do... believe me. More than anything, I feel as though it's just wrong timing all around. Maybe in time things will fall back into place... maybe, maybe....

An update on the Jacob Wannabe Saga

2009-10-14T04:32:00.000-04:00

This one is just a factual post, to keep the story rolling in with the develoments of the Jacob Wannabe Saga. It's a rather long story, so don't blame me for making it a bulleted list of the peak moments. and by peak I do not necesarily mean good.

Monday: we hung out, he had brought me ice cream, my fave flavor, and we watched a movie.
Tuesday: We cancel the skydiving plans for the weekend because of the Weekend weather forecast: rain, rain and more rain. We agree to hang out with the dominican crew, and some of his friends, and I agree to go to a stip club with them and one of the gf's of the guys. I still keep Sunday off from work, just to go the bday party with the fam.
Wednesday: Jacob un-invites me from going to the bday party the family is having for him, because PB is going to be there. His ~~justification~~ explanation? "Well, the rest of the dominican crew isn't gonna stay there, they're just passing by, so I don't want you to feel awkward with me and PB and my brother... besides, you're gonna be at work anyway, right?" about that...
Thursday: My mom tells me how Jacob's mom called to invite us to the official bday party to which I was un-invited. Needless to say, I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't going, in as little detail as possible of course. She laughed a bit though. I take up my Sunday shift again. Shit, might as well make good use of my time.
Midnight Thursday/ Friday early morning: I hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend (practically his brother), and the son of my mom's best friend here in ATL. He's a sweet heart. Out of desperation and boredom, he calls me to hang out with him after I get off from work. We watched some movies, ate a midnight snack and just talked about relationships, exes, friends, and of course, Jacob. Considering Pilot has dated some of Jacob's exes (kinda nasty but hey, whatever works, I suppose?) Jacob has always been rather paranoid about me and Pilot hanging out, even though we knew each other first. Pilot and I agree to not say anything about hanging out to Jacob, just to avoid the awkwardness.
Friday: After not talking to Jacob since the un-invitation, he decides to nag me into talking, and I blow up and say some rather.... not nice things about how he is an emmasculated little bitch and his being bitch slapped by PB. His reply? "I knoooow.... I just don't want to deal with it... I mean, it's my birthday"... Suit yourself birthday boy.
Saturday: There are several parts to this day, because we hung out alll day.
-He picks me up, and we debate whether to stop and get food. We decide not to because he doesn't have his debit card. PB has it because she coerced him into paying some vet bills for her dog. WTF man?! I asked him to just not say her name... and then we call her She-who-shall-not-be-named. fml.
-We go to Pilot's house. Jacob, Pilot, Dumdum (another one of the dominican guys) and me drive 30 minutes to an airport to pick up some stuff Pilot needs. On the way there, I just sketch. I was insanely out of it... Twilight zone, lala land, seemingly high-on-drugs-staring-into-space out of it. Pilot was worried it was because of Thursday, but I later told him it wasn't. Jacob avoided the subject
-We're eating lunch, and PB sends him an email about why she's upset because he's decided to go to a strip club. He starts reading the email out loud and I leave the table cuz I'm pissed he keeps bringing her up. I get back to the table, and they sorta keep talking about it... by now we're calling her Voldemort. (yeah, I know, kinda funny, but still not cool).
-We're back at Pilot's house. His phone is dying, so I let him borrow my charger. He dissapears for 2 1/2 hours to talk to PB while using my charger. I hang out with Pilot and avoid talking about the whole deal.
-Jacob reappears, pissed like a MF, ready to break shit. There was rage in his eyes. The guys (Pilot and Dumdum) get him to sit and chill for a minute. I sit and just listen cuz it was a guy moment. Apparently, she gave him an ultimatum: "Come and see me, or go to the strip club and forget I exist". When he said he was going anyway, she changed it to: "Ok, go to the strip club; but come and see me first". Nevermind the 2 hour drive involved in that. He said he wouldn't. We head out to meet Jacob's friends. He catches me on my own, and apologize repeatedly about the whole thing.
-We meet up with Jacob's friends,BlackWhite guy and is gf, American Kate Winslett and they're happy as ever to see me. Apparently, they thought they would never again hear from me, after the PB issues (shit, I should've proved them right on their assumptions). We head out to the strip club. He texts her the whooole way there.
-He turns off his phone and we go in. Even though there were 3 table dances on his table (me and American Kate Winslett sit at another table next to them), he kept looking at me, and talking to me, and cracking jokes. I thought it was funny as hell to see the guys faces... I laughed the whole time we were there.
-We leave the strip club. I'm falling asleep, and he starts playing with my hair... and kisses my forehead, and cradles me in his arm... but then then turns his phone back on, and starts texting PB again. I push his hand away and give him an evil look.
-We get to Pilot's house, and hang out for a bit. Jacob is still texting. His voice is all deep and sad and just tired. We decide to leave.
-Jacob drops me off, and apologizes again... He keeps nagging me to say whats on my mind, and I give him a piece of it. I call him out on being a jerk, sending mixed signals, being deceiving, driving me crazy, talking about PB all the damn time, and then wanting to be all lovey-dovey with me and flirt with me in front of the family. He looks so depressed, I decide to be nice and give him a hug. He tells me he'll call when he gets home.
-He calls. He apparently stopped by PB's house on his way home (under a death threat, yet again). He says he called her out on her bs... but honestly... I don't believe it. He keeps apologizing. I feel sorry for him, and sad cuz I got caught up in this bs, when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
Sunday: You'd think that with all that happened, PB would NOT be invited... but she is. However, Jacob calls me first thing in the morning, and keeps telling me how he doesn't even want to be there around her. He asks me to hang out with him tomorrow afternoon, and I say ok (I know, I shouldn't have... but oh well). Later on, we have to cancel because he has an exam to study for and I have a poject to work on; but we take a rain check for Wednesday.
Monday: I spend the day with my besties, Cocco Sooz and Babes.We cook lasagna and bake brownies, and just hang out all day. Jacob texts all day, and begs me to save him a brownie. I did... but then I ate it :) He calls to say good night, and I'm randomly puzzled, happy and concerned all at once. He also tells me how PB expects him to pay all her dog's vet bills with his birthday money. Well damn. I just limit myself to telling him he's gonna have to man up and get his balls back... cuz seriously.
Tuesday: Jacob texts during the day, and keeps telling he he can't wait til tomorrow. He calls at 12:05 (He knows I get off work at 12:00) and tells me about his day. He also tries to casually throw in the fact that PB is well, psycho (like I didn't know that already). He tells me how she went through his fb page and saw that I posted HBD on his wall, and decided to go bzerk... uhm.... okkkayyy... and he also adds that she was gonna write a bunch of bs on my wall, but he convinced her not to... so she just deleted me from his friends. Ok seriously, WTF!!!!

Ok y'all... this was originally meant to be a short post, but I suppose it became rather extensive... so yeah... reading over it, I realize how AWFUL Jacob sounds on paper, and how much of an idiot I'm acting, but oh well... I'll just say I'm doing it for the story, for the sake of my Jacob Wannabe blog posts.
Feel free to try to smack some common sense into my mind with an rude comment. I'll take a couple of those in hopes that it'll actually work. I'm dead serious.

Catch ya later folks.

-Jezzuka

To the ones that fit the shoes, but ran away with them

2009-10-14T00:40:00.000-04:00

For my dear friend Ally J; This one is for the ones that measured up and fit the shoes of what could have been; but ran away instead. :/ Habrán más en el camino! :)

"Good enough"- Evansecence
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no

Your Love

2009-10-10T01:42:00.001-04:00

yo quiero... una vida simple

yo no pido riquezas en abundancia, solo lo justo. Enough to not worry, but also enough to keep me humble.
yo no pido una legion de "amigos". I only want those who cherish my friendship as I cherish theirs.
yo no pido un hombre perfecto. I want a man I can consider an equal, and know he sees me as the same.

["Your Love"- Ennio Morriconne ft. Dulce Pontes] <3

Hope is the beat to the human heart in the darkest hour of despair.

Me reservo el derecho

2009-10-07T03:59:00.000-04:00

Can love truly conquer it all?
I highly doubt it. Call me a skeptic, call me pragmatic... pero amor no quita conocimiento.

El hecho de querer a alguien no quita que esa persona sea un degracio a la franca, y que "por amor" o cualquier bolseria de esas, implique que uno tenga que aguantarle mierda a nadie.
Pardon the language.

What I'm trying to get at is, that even though someone can love you to death and back, and vice versa, it does not mean that said person is the best person out there to be with. Love can only compensate for so much.
You can love me beyond words, love me in ways that are unheard of, love me to the point where you would give your life to me; but that doesn't obliterate everything else.
Like smoking weed.
or being jobless.
And Irresponsible. Immature. Inconsiderate.
Or for being selfish, and deceiving.

Love is a sublime emotion, and it can make us want a helluva lot from the opposite sex; but truth be told, love is not a justification for anyone to put up with someone else's shortcomings whatsoever.

Yo te puedo amar hasta mas no poder, pero simplemente no estar dispuesta a aguantar tu mierda, tus pendjadas, tus excusas, tu vagancia, tu inmadurez. Asi de sencillo. Y el hecho de que no lo aguante no quiere decir que te quiera menos, ni que no tengas el mismo effecto en mi como antes. Tus besos todavia me saben a cielo, tus abrazos me cambian el dia, dormir en tus brazos todavia me llena el alma, y andar contigo me pone a reir y a gozar.
Sin embargo, me reservo el derecho de exigir mas, por que doy mas. Me reservo el derecho de que, si yo puedo esforzarme y "set the bar high and exceed", tu tambien puedes. Yo me reservo el derecho de que, si no eres capaz de dar y desempeñar tanto como yo, decirte que sigas tu camino. No porque no te amo, sino porque simplemente no estamos a la par.
Y no es que eso sea malo tampoco, pero simplemente no es equitativo. Me being ridiculously set on equality between the genders, yo no cojo ese coro de que si fuera un hombre diciendo esto seria mas justo.
Me reservo el derecho de no aguantar mierda por amor a nadie.
I'm just being honest.
I reserve the right to be selective and hope to find someone who can be just as responsible -financially, morally, intellectually, and emotionally- as I am. I'm not saying I'm flawless, nor that I'm perfect. I don't place myself on a pedestal. I simply acknowledge the facts as they are.

Dammit, I swear he sets me up! (>_<)

2009-10-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

Well damn, where do I begin?
My last post on Jacob wannabe involved hanging out - and flirting- in front of the family.
Things have gotten, well, uhm.. interesting since.

After a minor panic attack and fleeing the scene like a bat outta hell, we did hang out and watch the Soloist, which was a great movie by the way (it's pretty good, but I supposed it's not as appealing if you don't have a passionate love for psychology and the human mind, considering the main character is schizophrenic). We ate some lunch, he got me Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie without telling me, and saved it for when we watched the 2 hour premiere of House. Well Damn. How dare he go and mess with my head in such a flattering, caring manner?!

Anyhow, the day went great and we were both pretty damn happy. Hurray Hurrray :)

So how much more of this kinda sweet talk do I have to take before it's ok if I catch feelings for the guy?!?!?

2009-10-04T04:52:00.000-04:00

Jezzuka: *I'm debating on watching The Soloist
Jacob W: -Nooo don't to it. Watch it with me on Monday
* Idk if I'll be able to go over on Monday, but I decided to watch 9 anyway
-How come you can't?
*I might be going to the movies with Babes, but we'll see
-K. Well do, whatever you wanna do then.
*U sound kinda bothered... you upset?
-Kinda. I don't wanna seem jealous... but I just really wanna see you
*I'm probably going around 4 so I should be done around 7
-I get off work at 7 anyway
*So there... don't be upset :)
-I won't be if get to see you :)
*So if I don't come over you'll be upset cuz of my absence? Lol Sure, blame me.
-Whatever it takes to get you to come over
*Oh it's like that? Whatever it takes? Really? lol
-Haha yup. If guilting you into coming over gets you here then I'll do it. But I just hope that you wanting to see me is good enough for you
*Lol you are just too much
-What you mean?
*You'd actually guilt me into seeing you? I mean damn, you miss me that much? lol I miss you too :P
-You're always surprised whenever I tell you how much I miss you. I feel kinda flattered sometimes actually.
*Lol I'm a skeptic at heart, can't help it. And how come you feel flattered?
-Lol. Exactly that. Cuz you're a skeptic. It's kinda like I surprise you every time with my feelings for you. Makes me feel good.
*Well, you do. You make me feel special when you mention them... kinda makes my day :)
-I'm glad to know that baby. I really do wanna see you on Monday.
*I wanna see you too honey. I really did miss seeing you too
-I'm glad to hear that... I definately miss you :)

So this is a random text conv I had with Jacob Wannabe.
Yeah, about that...
I'm at least aware that I have a soft spot for the guy! Give me some sort of credit!
But then again, how could I not? He's a smart, good looking sweet talker.
So, it begs the question: How many more conversations like the one above must I endure before it's considered ok if I catch feelings for the guy?
Anbody got a number, a statistic, a percentage?
PLEEEASE?!?!

I'm headed to bed folks... it's been a long day.
TTYL :P

-Jezz

Infatuation and catching myself

2009-10-03T04:20:00.001-04:00

I caught myself in time...or did I?
I have such mixed feelings about Jacob wannabe... on one hand I feel so attracted and drawn to him, but on the other hand, I distrust and dislike so many of his ways...
I'm attracted to him like a moth to a flame.
In my heart of hearts I know that whatever it is that I feel for him, it's not built to last...
It's like there's something to this whole ordeal, something I'm missing, the key behind the whole thing, the reason why I'm so damn infatuated on him and I can't seem to get over this... And to be honest it's driving me insane. (^_^)

2009-09-28T00:56:00.000-04:00

Well, it seems as though I'm just as vulnerable and foolish as all women are said to be. But maybe I was right at calling myself a little smarter.

Ally will still look at me with a smirk that says "I told you so" and tell me I brought it upon myself, which to both, I will have to concurr.

The story as most stories of recent events, involves our favorite character, Jacob wannabe.

I hung out with Jacob wannabe again, and this time, in front of family. The interesting part is that, instead of sticking to our agreement to be neutral in front of the fam in order to avoid any awkward situations, he is openly flirting with me... and it's all going pretty well.
The whole day was great. I kept catching myself thinking I could get used to days like that, and hoping that there would be more... but then I kept catching him texting other girls.
Yeah... about that. The one thing we most certainly were clear about was the fact that we are nowhere near serious and neither one of us wants to head in that direction. I mean, it's all fun and games, right?
Yeahh... what had happened was... well... I got caught up in everything that happened during the day, and how easy going things were, and how comfortable it was, that I.. uhm... kinda let my guard down. I wasn't as tough and he wasn't an ass, so yeah... foolishness is persistent.
At the end of the day, when he dropped me off home, he kissed me goodnight. My hands were shaking, and I kinda left in a panic, heart racing and all.

See, I knew that I shouldn't have gone and ... well. I guess that it's useless trying to mend over dumb mistakes.
Anyhow. I text him telling him that although I had a great day, and a good time, I wouldn't be hanging out with him for a while. He proceeds to ask questions and I ultimately answer that I might end up getting emotionally involved and I'm trying to stop myself. And the sad sad sad part is that, instead of reassuring me that everything would be ok, and that I had nothing to worry about (I was pretty clear that wishing for him to say he's kinda getting emotionally involved was far beyond his capability), he goes on to say how he understands that and how he's ok with it because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that pretty much a diss in my eyes... So, I tell him how we want different things from each other, and he proceeds to ask me what do I want. Yeah. ABOUT THAT.
I cut off the conversation and called it a night.

I panicked and I'm currently fleeing, heart in hand, as far as I can go. See, the thing I keep forgetting is that, as tough as I am and cynical and sarcastic I can be, I want pretty much, what everyone wants: loved, appreciated, valued, esteemed, and yeah someone who wants me and only me... and I want these things because I want to feel the same way about someone else too; but... Jacob wannabe is mos def not relationship material.

So why is it that despite knowing better, people still go for the one thing that is not good for us? I have yet to figure it out.
In the meantime, I guess you could say I'm being a coward. I just see it as intelligence prevailing over foolishness and emotions and attraction and desire and hope and trouble.
SO there. At least I'm smarter. HAHA.

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy for those who think"
I'm failing to see the humor in the whole situation... soo... I don't know where that leaves me.
Oh well. I have two more days of moping around before I officially force myself to do things to keep myself busy and remove myself from that situation. As to hanging out again with him? Ahh... I'd say never again, but we know THAT won't work soo...

Catch y'all laters.

-Jezz

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind

2009-09-26T00:17:00.000-04:00

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy”

-Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942)

I suppose that this is where my issues begin. I consider myself rather on the smart side. not a genius, but a rather a socially adept dork.
I've been having issues with the male gender recently. Namely, loss of respect, trust, reliance.... in general, a loss of faith in them and what they represent in women's lives.

I suppose it's because I've been dealing with the rather stupid side of the gender. Or is it because I'm dealing with the stupid but nice and cute, and the smart and cute asshole. I don't know. But when it comes to men, I've come to regard them all with lust and disdain.
An old saying goes:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

So, IS that my problem? That I bear the burden of intelligence? ad knowledge and wisdom, and standards and expectations? Is it really? It makes a girl wonder. It makes me reconsider and question if I'm not being to harsh, or too uptight, or too selfish. It makes me think that maybe I'm just asking for too much of a guy. But then again, I quote Erica Jong once again:

“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

Sadly, she has a point. Men are, in general, selfish creatures. I'm not saying that there aren't women that are this way too, but in women, there is a certain desire to nourish and cradle, to be there, to be supportive, and understanding, to be sympathetic that is just plain undeniable and more often than not, it is of a subconscious nature. I'll blame it on biology, evolution and preservation of the species. If men are known to be selfish, rather thoughtless creatures, someone's gotta take care of business with the family and make sure the kids are taken care of.... hence the nourishing, selfless ways, and when the selfless ways are ignored and women become deviant from this norm, we feel guilty. Yes, we feel guilty. I'll openly admit that the one reason I haven't left home and gone to do my own thing is because I would feel insanely guilty about leaving my mom like my dad has and I'd feel guilty for not having her being able to rely on me, just like she has come to be with my brother.

Which leads me into my next point in case. As much as I am independent and self reliant and have a can-do attitude, it can only go so far. Hormones are hormones and I can't fight the enemy betraying me from the inside... I am, a sucker for men. Wait, that didn't come out right. lol. What I mean is, that I am pretty much like any other girl out there, I want a guy I can rely on. Not because I will (because I most likely won't) but because it is comforting to have the option and the knowledge that my back is covered. I read somewhere today:

Its interesting to consider that women are attracted to strong men. Many of these women don't even realize why they are attracted to them. I do. Its because they're looking for the man who is in complete control of his faculties and his life. The man of unrelenting strength of character and mind. Why? Because such a man wouldn't let anything mare his plans for happiness. And guess who would directly benefit from that?

Well damn. That's all I can say to that. It's truly impressive that I hadn't realized that yet, with how true it is and how much I dwell on the subject of relationships. Nonetheless, it is true. I posted it as a facebook status earlier today, and someone commented that:

The statement is false... A relationship has always and will always consist of one stronger partner than another, the human condition unfortunately. In scientific terminology, 2 elements of equal polarity regardless of mass or volume will oppose one another equally, strong men and strong women normally will not permanently attract each other, one has to be stronger thus making one weaker by default.. Look at super stars who marry other super stars, they never last... So, a strong woman is not actually looking for a strong man, just someone stronger than themselves... and vice-versa.

To which I replied:

I do agree with it. I don't think that one necesary must be stronger than the other, I think it's more of consistent with being able COMPLEMENT each other, and work as a team in general. No matter how strong you are, you will always have flaws and weak spots. If you have a person by your side that can complement you and vice versa, then you are more likely to be strong as a unit, not just as individuals. but hey, I'm just sayin'.

As much as I am coming to distrust men and refuse to rely on them, I do still hope to get to someone, someone I can rely one, and believe in, and empower and feel uplifted by... I want to feel someone is part of my team, someone I know can stand by my side and I can consider an equal, a compliment. This is after all, what God intended when he created women.

But the more time passes I lose faith that this is ever gonna happen... but hey what do I know.

I'll end the post with another quote from Erica Jong, one that proves that feminists are not devoid of a vagina and a ♥:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Laters folks.

Jezz

:)

2009-09-24T20:53:00.000-04:00

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

- Sherlock Holmes

Nuff said ! lol

Modesty, Holmes, Men and Settling

2009-09-24T00:32:00.000-04:00

While talking to my somewhat awesome asshole of a boss, we came onto the subject of a "good guy".
I mentioned not needing a friday night off as I had requested cuz my date had canceled. (yes, curious ones, this was Jacob wannabe).
He proceded to laugh, and then ask, rather incredulously, your date dumped you? I explained, the whole thing (six flags day with his college wasn't gonna be going on this year as he thought)
He then mentioned Jacob's college, and says I though XXX was for smart people? I said it was, and explained that Jacob wannabe is indeed, rather smart... and then told him I didn't care too much because he's kind of an asshole.
He replies, "Well, I mean, you can't expect to have it all! If he's smart and good looking, he's gonna be an ass. Its the way things work" My co-worker states, "Yeah, unless you go for the geeks, they're the nice ones, even if they are a little weird." My boss finishes it up by saying "There is no possible combination in which a man has all the above. He's either cute and smart but not good looking, or good looking and nice, but stupid, or he's smart and good looking, but an ass. I am the smart and good looking, and yes, I'm kind of an ass."
To finish off the above conversation, I asked my boss, and my co-worker, that well, because I'm smart, and nice and hard-working and -if I say so myself- pretty darn good looking, do I not have the right to hope, expect and demand the same from a guy? To which I got mock chastised over "tooting my own horn" and not being modest.
To that, I quote my childhood hero, Sherlock Holmes:

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers." 
But, my dears, the real reason behind my post, is not whether not I am modest, but rather, if for lack of modesty, I am expecting too much of the opposite sex.
I mean, I stand by what I say... Considering I'm not a whinny bitch, I'm fun, I'm nice, I'm responsible, I'm smart and I'm really damn self reliant and independent, and like I said before, I'm pretty good looking. Not a supermodel, but good looking none the less.
So IS it too much to expect from a guy to be up to par? I mean, I would like to be with someone I can call and consider an equal. I do like the thought of seeing my significant other as a teammate in life, someone I can count on and vice versa. If I have so much to offer, why should I have to settle for someone who won't put 50 to my 50?
*sigh*
Another day in which my faith in men drowns slowly.

One Tree Hill Quote

2009-09-16T00:43:00.000-04:00

One Tree Hill Quote

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

... enough said.

In light of Kanye's VMA stage crash, and Patrick Swayze's death....

2009-09-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

Texts From Last Night (404): I hope Kanye doesn't show up to Patrick Swayze's funeral. " I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

I know it's kinda messed up and all... but ya gotta admit it would be funny in a sick kinda way... LOL

Turning 21 and making plans for a celebration of sorts

2009-09-15T22:24:00.000-04:00

I, my dear friends, will be turning 21 this year. Such a wonderful occasion.
I am a loss as to what I should do.

I have 3 options, and so far, I like all 3.
I can...

a) Go to NYC. The city I love. *cue Jay-Z's "New York" featuring Alicia Keys*
b) Go to VEGAS. Shiiit. You only turn 21 once.
or
c) Buy myself a much needed car.

I explain myself.
a) Go to NYC.
This one is a no-brainer. There is a little bit of everything in New York. I love the damn city. I love it's grittiness, it's rude people, the endless nights, the constant wtf at everything that can be seen. The bright lights, and the hope and ambition in the air.
b) Go to VEGAS.
Where do I begin with this? I'm turning the big 21. The official landmark of age. I've grown up in a position where I'm forced to be mature and responsible and leveled all my life... I want to be a little bit reckless, a little bit crazy, a little over the top. I wanna be my age... the FUN part of my age. And quite frankly, Vegas just sounds glamorous and AWESOME.
Now, here's the even better part: I work with hotels. I have access to all the rate discounts on dozens of Vegas hotels. For Pete's sake, I can get a room for 50.00 a night, in the hotel of a world known real estate businessman who has a TV show, and whose last name rhymes with Hump. That said, I'd also be splitting the trip with my fab entourage, yet to be determined if it's 2, 3, 4, or 5, but still I'd be splitting the costs. And I'm turning 21... c'mon now. 21 in Sin City with my entourage in a five star suite. That's one to be remembered

and
C)Buying the much needed car
Yes, I am still to this day a pedestrian. Considering I'm in a single parent household, and that I usually end up paying the rent, well, yeah... about that.
I've been meaning to get myself a car, but every time I have the money for it, some emergency or another arises, and well, the car purchase vanishes into thin air. I could take into account the money I'd invest over the next 3 months in my NYC or Vegas trip and stash it away into the realms of the unknown, and most importantly, brainwash myself into believing that I've already spent it, and get a car for my 21st bday and relish in the freedom. But the truth is, it simply feels like, dare I say it, *sigh* the mature and responsible thing to do... and I'm having issues with that part of myself.
Mature and responsible have not made for awesome memories and tons of fun. They have not made for crazy adventures or unbelievable and unpredictable turns of events. I want a little crazy in my life. A little youth and recklessness. Is that too bad or too much to ask for?

Anyhow... If I plan right and limit considerably my spending down to the bare needs, I might be able to go to NYC and get the car... but that is yet to be seen. I keep turning the thought around in my head, and I'm sure that I'll probably settle for stashing the cash and getting the car, but I really wish I could let myself go loose in Vegas and have fun... I really wish I could.

So, what did you do for your 21st? Any regrets?

Fade to black

2009-09-13T23:57:00.000-04:00

My heart soars and lusts to Apocalyptica's version of this popular Metallica song.
It's just dreamy, lusty, intense all around.
It's a baroque painting in sounds.

The same thing happens to me when I listen to the main theme of the movie Amelie. That song is a watercolor painting, transposed into song.

I am an arts person. I find meaning to life in arts. I strive in them. I find joy, and happiness and meaning to life. All of my ambitions and desires are centered around one art form or another.
I recently realized I have a hard time concentrating if there is no visual appeal to what I'm doing... which would explain my constant doodles.
I am a visual artist. This much I know for certain, and this much I love about myself. :)

Night night y'all. Happy Monday! :P

Watagatpitusberry!

2009-09-12T00:20:00.000-04:00

henny con granberry
I'm feeling so dirty
Baby you spagghettii?
lets go I'm ready
Tirame por el blackberry
Vamono en el ferry
Be happy dont worry

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watagatapitusberry (QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(que lo que pui)

Taba nevando y me puse mi coat
Baje a pelarme pa ponerme en flow
atra de do suave slow
te lo voy a decir en ingles pa que me entienda you know ?
easy, what is this marylin monroe & el tiffany I'm am the show
lo policia lo mono im in tro in the show
ayy woah woah woah
que lo que ta ta diciendo no toy entendiendo no toy comprendiendo
y haga me el favor y hame caso
dimelo ma al paso pedazo por pedazo
pa yo ver si yo puedo entender
sera fraces ? no en ingles
quien te dijo que tu sabe hablar ingles dilo otra ves.

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watgatapitusberry (QUE!?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry que lo que pui.

es como i love you i berry
como eskinny berry
como eskiles como berry
abrir el cute eskerry
oh my berry im singing el berry
smoking berry comprendes el berry
si mami eso es el berry
esto es para todas las ladys
la que le gusta la strawberry
la que le encanta lo berry y agarale el berry le abro las pienas esberry y le meto el berry.

henny con granberry
im feeling so dirty
baby you spagghettii?
lets go im ready tirame por el blackberry
vamono en el ferry
be happy dont worry

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watagatapitusberry (QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(que lo que pui)

dedicada para todas las berrys en latino america y el mundo entero de parte de black point
el sensato del patio heh el mas completo todas esas manos suaves esto es pati y mas nadie

2009-09-08T13:09:00.001-04:00

Like a wound sealed shut and bandaged away
I stray from looking at it, from testing the healing skin.
I know the pain I felt and I'm not curious to know if it still aches.

I don't look back and try to remember.
Like the knowledge of being burned when touching the fire,
I know that the memories will sting.
Not because they were bad, but because they were really good and I cannot have them back.
Because I cannot build upon them, because I cannot construe more with the same characters and situations.

I... just sigh and let it go.
Maybe in time, my time will come.
Maybe there will be something to hope for. Maybe I'll be able to dream, and soar and relish in the joys that will come and I won't fear crash landing back into reality.
Maybe I'll get to a point where I'll allow myself that which seems like a guilty pleasure at the moment.
Maybe things will simply fall into place on their own...
for now, I'd rather be a surpised pessimist than a dissapointed optimist.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

2009-09-06T17:33:00.001-04:00

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. My dad told me this as well and I still believe him :)
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her.
- Ricky, age 10