February in the life

I'm staring at the page wondering where to begin,  but the reality of it is that I'm not even sure.
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...

Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.

Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.

In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.

As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.

I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
 I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?

....

About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls)  and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!) 
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)

While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.

Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.

I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...

In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.

Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)

Much love to all.

-Jezz

Maybe I should just post this anyway?

So well,

I've been kinda MIA.

I'm back in class. HOORAY... not quite.
I'm taking business classes only :/ not too awesome.
But I mean, it's better than not, right?

I'm a quarter away from graduating with my associate's degree, and I have no fucking idea what I want to do. o_o
Completing my bachelors is the ONLY option, for sure
But at what? Graphic Design? Photography? Arts?
I was so sure of my choices a while back, but not quite so much anymore.
I've even gone so far as to question whether I want to take a completely different turn and go for Psychology (which was my original choice, way back when) or Marketing (which I've learned I enjoy plenty).
In the end... I know I'm sticking to arts though. It catches me every time.

In somewhat positive news... I have a new hard drive, after the catastrophic fail of my other one, I now have a bright yellow hard drive that makes me giggle every time I see it. Yellow was my favorite color as a kid, and even today, it makes me happy when I see yellow things :P
When my other hard drive crashed... it happened to be right after I had backed up ALL my older files: my school work, my pictures, my blog posts, my videos and movies, my music, my sheet music... EVERYTHANG.
I was able to go to the IT guy at my school and beg him to try to recover my files -which he did- and I'll be getting ALL -well most of it anyway- my stuff back tomorrow !!! major YAY! :D

I got a ticket about a month ago ... not cool. I "forgot" to mention to my mom... and it later turned out that, because my wonderful mother is on the insurance and I am under the age of 24, I HAVE to tell her and get her to show up to court. WTF!

Other than that, life has been pretty low key... uneventful even.
I'm not talking to Jacob Wannabe anymore, this time, even to my own surprise.
See, I figured out a few things about him.
Whenever we hang out, something BAD happens within the few days after.
Like effin clockwork. It's like Karma is punishing me for going back on my word and dealing with a person I have no business with, whatsoever.
However, even with that knowledge under my belt, I was still tempted to go hang out, and being treated like a princess even when I know the rest of the circumstances to this story. In which he is NO prince charming, I might add.
Now, this was something I learned the HARD way.
I REFUSE, with a passion, to be psychotic control freak maniac that must have everything done a certain way. Specially, in a relationship. Or whatever, cause this dramatic whatever was, most certainly not, a relationship.
You are grown, and you know what's right and what's wrong. You are responsible for your actions or lack-thereof. I'm not going to fuss and nag and be a bitch to get you to do what I want. I'll ask.
It's ENTIRELY up to you whether or not you decide to, and that's ok. You're your own person with your own mind and opinions and wants and needs.
However. In being this way, I was also letting Jacob basically get away with murder.I was letting him be his own person, and have his wants and need, even when it meant that in his quest to get whatever it was he wanted, he would mislead me and also mess with MY feelings.
SO.... I caved. I decided to do the one thing I know can drive a non-committed man insane in 2 seconds flat.
I started nagging and complaining, and then talking about my feelings.
Funny how it works like a fucking charm.
Whenever he would try to cross the line... I'd get all "Sensitive" and tell him he's "an asshole" and that "He hurts my feelings" and he's "breaking my heart" and then, for good measure, I'd add that he "doesn't love me or care for me" like he should.

and VOILA!
I was surprised how EASILY the change happened.
See, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different, considering we were pretty close.
But the truth is, that these are, indeed, the true colors of the man: He didn't give a fuck.
So, when it came down fight or flight... He flew.


and so, for good this time, the Jacob Wannabe Saga has ended.
It's been 3 months strong.
Hoooray for me.


anyhow my loves, I'm gone.
Gotta get some work done, lest I should be fired.

Mucho love



-Jezz ♥

I literally, don't have a thing to write about.
Seriously.

Is this the reason I keep Jacob Wannabe around?
For the sake of amusement and entertainment, at the expense of my feelings?
well damn.
Oh well.


I'm actually feeling like writing dilutes my feelings.
Which I kind of end up needing for sketching.
Oh goodness gracious....

In uninteresting  news, I'm taking an online class again... I know, I know... but it's better than not, right?

What makes me feel a little better about it all, is that I'm actually 2 quarters away from graduating from my associates degree. It sounds so big... and yet I feel like I have done NOTHING... o_O
I'm not quite sure it's supposed to be that way?


Either way, I guess I need to start looking into my options for transferring? I want to go to the Art Institute... and find a job in my field... Maybe after I have my degree I can afford to switch over industries into the good stuff... I feel like I'm under-read in life. Lol

I want to plan ahead... I always try my hardest to be 10 steps ahead of everything... but maybe the glorious joy of it all is that we can't see what's coming around the corner.

Babes is happier. Things are kinda falling into place slowly. He asked me to go to Church with him yesterday.
I'm honestly surprised and delighted by that! Go figure. The self-professed non-believer is slowly inching his steps closer...

I haven't been reading much lately... mainly because I kinda owe the library like 50 bucks in fines (which I kinda gotta pay back eventually) and can't check out any books :(

I'm hoping that somewhere in the near future my wanderings take me to Myrtle Beach for a stress free weekend, but that is yet to be seen.
I had high hopes for taking my bum to Japan for my birthday, but later decided I'd make it my graduation present and go to China instead so I could try to be there for the new year celebrations... I might even try to see my friend Ana Maria in Sweden.... that would be pretty sweet, wouldn't it? If not, then I'd probably end up visiting my dad in Spain... that would be a trip alright. Nuff Said.

I gotta go... I'm tired beyond words, and I kinda gotta be up early too... so...

catcha later

Jezz

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.

After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his  number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I  made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.
-Jezz

Oh the Stubborness and the Delight

I know, I know, I have not learned anything at all. But whatever. For now anyway.

I went to see Jacob Wannabe.

This was the 1st time I'd gone back to his apartment since.... I can remember...
I think last time I went to North Ave was around October? I think... Most definitely NOT past November.
Anyhow.

I went back, on a whim. I felt like it. I told him I was up for it.
I went over, we watched a movie, The Gods must be crazy, and then went to eat lunch at Moe's.

We went back to the apartment and watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds.
I'll admit to the fact that I hugged him. Ok, it was a little more. Originally, we sat side by side on his bed (let me just say that his dorm is ridiculously small, there isn't room for anything other than a bed, a desk, a chair and an armoire) and we were facing the TV (which is on the desk, if you must know). But then he threw my legs over his, and pulled me closer, and who the hell am I to refuse a little affection?
He showered me with kisses and hugs, telling me how much he missed me.
But all I kept thinking about was the fact that... he's is taken.
So why does he keep doing this? Hellbent on sabotage? I'm not sure.

I like the attention, but to be honest, I make him keep a distance, and I repeatedly threaten to elbow his face a couple times if he keep pushing for whatever he was trying to get at.
I felt tempted to lay my head on his chest like I used to do... Shit, I'll admit I miss it.
There are so many things about him that attract me at some sort of visceral, primitive, instinctual level, that it's like it just bypasses my conscious thoughts...
Anyhow.
We went to lunch at Moe's . His treat. We're talking about everything, how he missed our afternoons at his apartment watching movies, and how things could've been different if it weren't for BlackWhite guy, and the reasons why he and PB got back together... Eventually we shifted the topic to being Hispanic, and parents and my dad, and of course my pass out episodes. We briefly comment again on how fucked up our whatever it is IS, and he mentions that we should make a show with the drama we have going on with each other.
I told him I could actually write a novel based on it and he laughed.
We walked back to his apt, and watched Criminal Minds. I have to say that those must have been the 3 most messed up episodes I had seen up to date. Cuz Damn. DAYMN.

I was paying attention to the show... but he was kinda caught up in kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders.
I got pissed and told him that he's a jerk, and he backed off, suddenly worried about how I reacted.
I told him that... "You made your choices. I moved on. I'm moving on. The fact that I still cherish the fucked up friendship we share, does NOT give you the right to abuse my feelings mercilessly".
This seemed to make him think deeply. He did back off... but we were kinda cuddling at this point anyway, so he remained content with laying his head next to mine on my shoulder and his arms around me.
Even then, it was much further than I would have liked... but then again, I liked it anyway.
After the 3rd episode, I had to leave. I was set to go to a study session, and, to make sure I wasn't tempted to stay longer, I had set my alarm to buzz off at the time I HAD to leave.
The alarm went off, and I'm about to get off the bed, but he rolls me over to be lying face-up directly below him and he kisses me. Insanely passionately.
Like that day in the car in the middle of the night passionately.
And instead of melting like putty (which I normally would have), I got pissed and told him he is a selfish bastard and that he needs to stop acting like a moron.
He wasn't quite expecting that I guess.
I got up, and got my shoes and my jacket, and he fumbled and mumbled an apology. I didn't care for one. I'm not one to take empty apologies well, which he knows, and which eventually got him to shut up.
We left. He walked me to North Ave again, like he usually does.
We part with a big hug.... the one thing that gets me more attached than a kiss.
The scent lingers in my thoughts.
I catch the train. I sketch, I think, I write.
There is something so dysfunctional with the way we relate to each other... and it tears at me when I'm on my own. Only when he's not around and I'm not busy living the moment, making the most of it, trying to absorb it and make it a keepsake at once.
*sigh*

This complicated story is one that, I get the feeling, is only now really beginning to be woven. It's been almost a year since that first date at the restaurant in mid-town, where we ate and talked and talked and talked before heading over to watch a movie at his house.
This seems like a routine, his modus operandi... one that I got to know very very very well later on, specially during my afternoons at North Ave.
We have yet to finish watching paprika.

I don't know if we will.
I have the running joke that the next time we'll see each other is going to be 4th of July, when we're with the family at Centennial.... I wish I really had the certainty that THAT'S going to be the case, but who am I trying to fool here?
For whatever it's worth, at least I'm being consistent and making some progress. I think.

Anyhow, night Night y'all. I'm out for this one.

-Jezz

Score! - A perfect application of Master pimp's teachings

So after a night out with my brother Dude, and his best friend Cuban Hottie, some unexpected things happened. The guys told Jacob I was on a date with Cuban Hottie, and when Jacob called, he heard him. Yikes. I agreed to hanging out with Jacob and the Dominican crew to watch the 4th Star Wars movie, and Jacob offered to pick me up around 10-11 am.
Except I didn't get home until somewhere between 5 and 6 am... and passed out. Like all things in this complicated life of mine things got better from there.

Score! A perfect application of Master Pimp's teachings 

After the night out with Cuban Hottie and my brother, I got home and passed out. I slept ridiculously well. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and happy. And then I remembered I was supposed to be up early to meet Jacob.
I looked outside. I was WAY too bright to be 11 am.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of getting up and going to figure out where was my phone, I rolled over and fell asleep again for a while.
I woke up, and looked through my things. My phone died in my coat pocket.
I plugged in the charger and turned it on. I had 10 messages from Jacob, ranging from happy to pissed.
Needless to say, I was really amused by all of this, of course.
How could I not be? I was getting back in some way the dignity I lost in putting up with all the shenanigans I did before.

I read over the messages, and the last one was the one from which I got the most kick out of:
He said:

"If you changed your mind about hanging out with me, that's cool. You could've at least answered the phone and said something, instead of just turning it off on me so I get the voicemail"

Oh Damn.

I tried to stop my laughing and be serious, and I called Jacob, to which, at my slight surprise, he answered.

He asked what was going on, and I told him I overslept and my phone had died, since I forgot where Cuban Hottie had left it when he dropped me off home.

Jealous again, Jacob asks if he slept over, and I tell him he didn't, adding a slight hint of sadness to my voice.

I ask him if they're all watching the movie, to which he answers that they haven't and offers to pick me up, which I said would be cool.

I scramble out of bed, shower and throw on sweat pants and head out.

We head over to Pilot's house, who's got a girl over, whom we'll call Out-of-State-E because she lives in Arizona, or something like that.

We head to the basement and turn on the movie, and of course they sit on one couch and I have to sit on the other one with Jacob.

This time, in some sort of thoughtless moment, I just sit right next to him and grab a pillow and get cozy. He takes this as a cue to put his arm around me and I give him a look between puzzled and concerned, to which, he answers, "Oh so cause you went on a date I'm not allowed to do this anymore?"

I laughed of course and elbowed him, and just watched the movie.

The movie was ok. I kept falling asleep because I was completely exhausted from everything from the night before.

Jacob offers to take me out to grab lunch or something, and I tell him I'd rather not, because I have plans. He assumes I'm going out with Cuban Hottie again and I don't clarify.

I end up going home, and staying in the rest of the day, but I swear I was happier for it.

It's as though he's like some sort of bad indulgence, one which you pay the consequences for if you overindulge.

I do have to admit. It does feel good to have the upper hand.

-Catch y'all laters

Jezz ♥

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
And....
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

• He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
• Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
• Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
• Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
• Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
• Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
• Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.

So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.

LOL.

I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?

I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!

-Laters

Jezz

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

After an intense night of bickering with Jacob Wannabe, Pilot intervened and cut off the drama. Little did I expect what he had in store. After the Secret Santa party, I agreed to stay later with the guys and watch a movie. Pilot started to explain why he butted into the conversation, and ended up coming clean about a crush.

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

So damn.

Pilot has a crush on me?

[How middle school does that sound?]

After a brief minute of awkward silence in which I'm -as usual- dumbstruck in confusion, he kissed me.

*Please note the wording here.*

And crap... he was a better kisser than I would've though too.

So after another slightly awkward silence, we're in a compromising situation where I'm thinking: There is something SO WRONG in this mess, and he's thinking "I feel like I'm betraying Jacob" and well... there's no undo button in real life.

Well fuck.

Uhm... so yeah. About that.

We keep talking and agree that this is just... uhm... the twilight zone and well... I can't remember anything.

So yeah. The end.

I guess.

The next day, Jacob calls.

To my own surprise, he apologized for the Secret Santa. Uhm... okaaay...

He goes on to mention he really liked his Secret Santa present, and said that it was a size too small. He asked for a gift receipt to which I answered that I put in the bag, and *aw shucks* he must've lost it [haha]. He asks where I bought it, to which I assure him that it must've been Ross, even though I knew it was Target.

So, he goes on to mention that the dominican crew is watching Avatar soon at a 3-D theatre and also having a Star Wars marathon and invited me to come along to both. I said it would be cool hanging out with the guys before the quarter started again Monday, and told him to let me know.

I mean, everyone's going, so it shouldn't be too bad right? Besides, I've been cooped up home all winter break depressed about everything and sketching like a possessed artist in the verge of insanity.

SO at this point, there's another problem boiling over: The red dress.

I had agreed, after being threaten to death by fashion students, to wear a red dress to the NYE party [to which Jacob Wannabe decided he was taking PB as his date] and look like a million bucks... except... well, all the red dresses in the state of GA had disappeared into a big black hole and no-one could find them. I went to 5 malls in search of the damn thing and NADA! no one red dress that did not say "old" or "tacky" on it.

I was forced to make a back up plan in which... well, I wore a black dress.

So black dress shopping I went. And I found one... oh yeah I did.

I found a black dress and then I found a gold necklace and then I found gold shoes and... it was a wrap.

When I tried that black dress... I kid you not... I knew it was the one. The fit was perfect. It even made my butt look big lol. SO yeah. It was pretty much a wrap.

The final issue was work. I work a late shift, so I'm usually in past midnight. The problem ensued that I didn't want to be at work past midnight on NYE. Well duh.

After a month's work of insistence and reluctance, I finally resigned myself with the fact that I wouldn't be able to get there before 12 cuz of work.

Oh well. *sigh*

to be continued...

Fuck good music, cold weather and sleeping pills. God has a fucked up sense of humor.

well fuck any new years resolutions I might have made...

I think I don't learn a lesson.. under no circumstances....

Shit...

I agreed to go watch star wars with JWB and Pilot
I had to bring my little bro
After a million in one issues, we finally watch Episode  I
My mom goes crazy paranoid and wants me back home asap
she comes to pick me up, but stays talking to Pilot's mom while I'm at the basement with the guys watching Episode II....
and....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post is now being interrupted for the following is a Public Service Announcement.

 The part of my post that was originally here, was removed due to being a spoiler of the latest shenanigans I've been up to involving Jacob Wannabe.
So I removed it and now you have to wait til I story in chronological, sequential order.
Sue me. ☺
But since I'm sorta kinda cool, I'll let you guys keep the ending though :P
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that this doesn't change anything...
but fuckkk....
God has a sense of humor and irony that is not beyond me right now....
cause seriously...
Shit...
I need to get some sleep.

WTF!!! part 2- Behind every bitch there was once a nice girl who got screwed over

I don't even know where to begin this one...
To add insult to injury, the dude (Jacob wannabe) called me last night....
and I feel like an idiot for answering even though I knew better... even though I was with the girls and after the whole Secret Santa fiasco I was still pretty pissed, but I mean.... shiit... I still answered the phone and I feel like an idiot for it.

This is going to be a completely honest post.

Jacob Wannabe called from his home phone.
I answered. We started talking. He basically tells me how much he likes talking to me because I listen and don't judge... uhm... ok... (was he trying to convince himself or something?)
anyhow... he keeps rambling and rambling and eventually gets to the point.
He's calling to let me know he's very likely to go back to being "officially" back together with PB.... uhm... so... wow...
and this dude has the NERVE!! to tell me how even though alot of BS has passed, he still thinks I'm one of his closest friends, and keeps telling me how he never meant to let this happen and how I'm an amazing person....
can someone please explain to me how you diss someone while complimenting them? Cuz that's exactly what happened.
Long story short, this was the punchline:
-I'm sorry this happened
-I really like you
-You're an amazing person
-You're one of my closest friends
-I have alot of growing up to do
-I want to remain close friends because in the future I will most likely want a relationship with you
-I'm really childish and immature
-I really hope we can still be close because I can really talk to you openly
-I was scared shitless of this conversation, and I finally got the balls to tell you
-I want to think that you'll be willing to give me a chance again somewhere down the line
-PB will most likely officially be my date for the NYE party.

At this point, I'll admit that I was above everything offended... and pissed off...
so...
I got drunk.
REALLY drunk.
So much so that I was happy and pissed at the same time, while lying on the floor in Betty's room and  looking at the glow in the dark stars on her roof and thinking I was outside and debating on my plan of action if it started to rain.
so yeeeahh... uhm... I don't know what else to say to that...
Ooh and I forgot to mention, he asked me about the Secret Santa. and asked who I got... and also asked if it was him.
ha.
fuck meee.
I went on a rant about how ridiculous that would be and why on earth if this was a random draw with 18 people in it (including myself) I would get him.... lol. so yeah.. about that...

At this point, I HAVE to wear a friggin red dress... and now I need to come up with a date for the NYE party... and shit... Babes is out of town until the 12th of January... and who the hell would I beg to pretend to date me for the sake of appearances on NYE??? Maybe on any other day... but damn, NYE?!

so yeah...
talk about ending the year (and hopefully the whole story) with a bang... shiiit...

I have the headache from hell and I need to go get ready for work now.
Needless to say, I'm not the nicest one from the bunch today...
or for the rest of the year for that matter....
Cuz behind every heartless bitch, lies a nice girl that got screwed over by a jerk.
*sigh*

Catch y'all laters guys.

-Jezz

WTF!!!!

This is my official rant. Consider yourself forewarned, so deal with it.
**PS... pardon the language.


WTF!

My mom's best friend, a close family friend, is hosting a Secret Santa...
17 people, of the youngsters...
We're doing it by numbers.
I pick number 13.
 WHY THE FUCK!!!! have I gotten MF"N!! JACOB WANNABE!!!!

I mean, this totally a luck of the draw, random and shit...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
THIS IS NOT COOL.


I've managed to keep everything at bay and kept my distance from the guy and everything... and I get THIS?!

Not to mention the fact that I still have to deal with New Years eve...
Oh wait right, I havent posted THAT story yet.

SO remember PWB?
Yeahh... uhm...
My grandparents are in town.
So it's pretty much a given that I have to show up with the rest of the fam to the NYE party...
When this came to light, about a month ago, I threatened Jacob Wannabe that I was going and I didn't even want to remotely consider the whole birthday fiasco reoccurring again.
A few weeks later... he tells me PWB IS coming to the family NYE party.
OOOOH FUCK.
This is gonna get awkward.
so, at this point we're both forewarned and we're on somewhat amicable terms, for the sake of sanity.
My friends, most of them fashion design students, come up with an elaborate scheme in which I wear a red dress to the NYE party and look like a million bucks and basically show off that I'm in control of da binniz and give off a bad ass bitch attitude... but the problem is... I don't usually wear red, and truth be told, I'm not a badass bitch, I'm a nice person....
so I tell my mom the happenings... you know, gotta keep her somewhat informed of what's going on... and she concurrs with my friends and also insists that I wear a smokin red dress... so I guess red it's gonna have to be! well damn...

and NOW THIS?!!?!

this is some BS.

Now, I mean, seriously... what are the effin odds.. I was like one of the first few people to pick my secret Santa recipient... I mean c'mon... this is just fucked up on a bunch of levels...
but hey.. at least I know what he likes, right???

too pissed to keep blogging..
ttyl laters
[>_<']

-Jezz

ThanksGiving!

Dearest all!!!
Why Helllooo!!!
Sooo, it's thanksgiving and although I'm working, I can still manage to find a couple things to day, right
I know. I should be with the family n stuff... it really was not my choice, but hey, holiday pay works, right? Yeahh... about that...
Anyhow...
I want to mention the things that I AM really TRULY grateful for:

• My mom- who, despite everything (and there has been plenty) has managed to keep moving forward and keeping a soulful spirit
• My chinese boy- whom has helped me see the challenges of parenting (even though he's my youngest brother)
• Dude, my middle brother. Who has helped me realize exactly what I DON'T like in men, and how our family is affected by the changes we've gone through
• My family -because the world is meaningless without people to share your life with
• My job- because even when I feel as though I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to see the sunlight- it has kept my family fed and bills paid
• Cooco Sooz and Babes- because they help me remember that life is not as serious as I unwittingly wrap myself into. Because through thick & thin, they have managed to make me find humor in everything. Because they decided to move across state lines to support my crazy self & be HERE
• for food. Cuz I'm a fatass and I eat like well, a fatass. So hey.
  Oh and the Good genes cuz they keep me looking good despite my fatass appetite
• Cell phones cuz we get to reach out to anyone, virtually anywhere; making the world smaller and larger at the same time
• Anything with chocolate, because it calms me when I'm about to have a meltdown
• Dreams & vision.
  because they help us transcend who we are and where we came from and empower us to reach for higher standards, deeper values, and help us realize the potential inside each and everyone of us.

Although I didn't get to hang out with the fam and eat consistently all day long, My mom brought me food :) and Jacobwannabe brought me food and hung out with me during my lunch break :D
And I'm going black friday shopping after i gets outta here :P

<3 much love y'all

-Jezz

So how much more of this kinda sweet talk do I have to take before it's ok if I catch feelings for the guy?!?!?

Jezzuka:   *I'm debating on watching The Soloist
Jacob W: -Nooo don't to it. Watch it with me on Monday
* Idk if I'll be able to go over on Monday, but I decided to watch 9 anyway
-How come you can't?
*I might be going to the movies with Babes, but we'll see
-K. Well do, whatever you wanna do then.
*U sound kinda bothered... you upset?
-Kinda. I don't wanna seem jealous... but I just really wanna see you
*I'm probably going around 4 so I should be done around 7
-I get off work at 7 anyway
*So there... don't be upset :)
 -I won't be if get to see you :)
*So if I don't come over you'll be upset cuz of my absence? Lol Sure, blame me.
-Whatever it takes to get you to come over
*Oh it's like that? Whatever it takes? Really? lol
-Haha yup. If guilting you into coming over gets you here then I'll do it. But I just hope that you wanting to see me is good enough for you
*Lol you are just too much
-What you mean?
*You'd actually guilt me into seeing you? I mean damn, you miss me that much? lol I miss you too :P
-You're always surprised whenever I tell you how much I miss you. I feel kinda flattered sometimes actually.
*Lol I'm a skeptic at heart, can't help it. And how come you feel flattered?
-Lol. Exactly that. Cuz you're a skeptic. It's kinda like I surprise you every time with my feelings for you. Makes me feel good.
*Well, you do. You make me feel special when you mention them... kinda makes my day :)
-I'm glad to know that baby. I really do wanna see you on Monday.
*I wanna see you too honey. I really did miss seeing you too
-I'm glad to hear that... I definately miss you :)


So this is a random text conv I had with Jacob Wannabe.
Yeah, about that...
I'm at least aware that I have a soft spot for the guy! Give me some sort of credit!
But then again, how could I not? He's a smart, good looking sweet talker.
So, it begs the question: How many more conversations like the one above must I endure before it's considered ok if I catch feelings for the guy?
Anbody got a number, a statistic, a percentage?
PLEEEASE?!?!

I'm headed to bed folks... it's been a long day.
TTYL :P

-Jezz

Next Saturday

Mmhm

I have an interesting situation to ensue next Saturday. Well, in all honestly it's more like a minor dilemma whether or not to let a situation ensue next Saturday.
See, it's rather simple.
I usually volunteer at Habitat for Humanity on Saturdays. It's actually rather fun. I have skipped a couple days and gone out with my friends instead, and still said I would be at Habitat, just cause it's easier than having to explain where I'm going and with whom, and what I'm going to do, blah blah blah.
I was still planning on going to Habitat next Saturday, you know, nothing major. Then my friends invited me to hang out by the pool, which I was kinda debating over. I would be cool going and making the most of what's left of summer... but then my mom mentioned something that got me thinking.


[Oh the irony. I got interrupted by a text message from Jacob wannabe. well Damn.]

Mom mentioned that next Saturday we've been invited to her friend's house for friend's husband's birthday. It's a family function.
If y'all have read anything about my posts of Jacob wannabe... it's that we met through family friends. The thing next Saturday is going to be precisely at the house we met... at one of his best friend's house. He is more than likely going to be there... possibly with PB.
Me being spiteful as I am, am SO far beyond tempted to show up for an couple hours and then leave... just to see his face when he sees me... and of course the chance to see PB in person (and show off how much BETTER I am) is something I'd hate to miss.

So now I have 3 options:
a) Habitat
b) Pool with friends
c) Family Function

oh damn.
And here goes the irony of everything. I would be interrupted from listening to my new favorite band while typing up this post by a text msg from Jacob wannabe...

I swear I try to be good, and Fate just sets me up and gives me all the reasons and tools to misbehave... Lol.
So what do you guys think I should do and what is the most likely thing I will actually end up doing?

New Diggs at work

Yeah, new offices. **Pics coming soon**
They're ok I suppose.
I'm kinda starting to get tired of this job, and that's something I can't allow myself to do. I see no future growth opportunities, and I specially don't see myself applying the knowledge from my major here. Not a major disappointment, just not uplifting in any way.
The new diggs are further from home. About a 20 minute drive, as opposed to a 10 minute one. I have to admit we've been pretty lucky with our jobs, because they have all been quite near to home.
The thing about the new diggs is that we went from 3 person cube divisions will full walls, to individual cubicles that are divided at seat level. Meaning, literally, transforming into a call center. Major downer for me. I feel as though it was a downgrade for the staff, but hey, maybe that's just me.
The cubicles are also organized by work areas, so I won't be sitting near Carolyn anymore. She'll be sitting, facing me, two rows away. Sad Sad Sad. Big Momma used to scold, laugh, listen and advise me on everything you could think of. At least she'll be a holler away, right?
There is not an ounce of privacy anymore. While on the floor, anybody and everybody is visible. Which is something NOT cool with me at all. This means that I am now going to have to reduce my web surfing and actually WORK -gasp!- lest I risk getting fired, which is kinda not cool.
I do however, have a panoramic view of ... trees. There is a lake in that general direction, but since I'm sitting and there are another 3 rows of cubicles ahead of me, all I see are trees. And the office window of the COO. Great.
The company is now also changing names, and steering towards a more -call center- like appearance and operation, and it's kind of a shame for me. I guess, it's kinda that time again. After a year working at Gap, I was getting tired and depressed, the same thing that's happening now. After a year and a half, I started looking for another job. In the economy we are in, I can't afford to get a lesser-paying job, or to lose the one I have, so it looks like I might be here for a while. That does not, however, undermine the feeling of dread I get nowadays when I have to sit at work and well, work here.
Oh damn.
Anyhow folks, I gotsa get to work. Catch y'all later chumps.

A good reason to tone down the texting.. (o_0)

Yesterday turned out be a random day of sorts. Everything was going fine, i guess, until my math class rolled around and of course, the one day I understand everything and am not bored out of my mind, I get repeatedly disturbed by random BS.
It IS after all, a four hour class... the four hours sent from hell if you ask me.
Anyhow, it all started like this:
I got out of Des105, hung out with Dj and Babes, London and Magic 8 (people I know from campus). Ate some food, took an energy drink. Went to Math class, and texted Jacob wannabe.
Yes the infamous sorta kinda something or another guy I've been hanging out with.

Before the odyssey of a four hour class really began, I drank the energy drink, which if you ask me, tasted like shit. Considering he drinks these things like water, I asked him htf he managed to do that. He answered back, and a slow conversation ensued. Mind you, I am in the middle of class, texting under the desk while looking at the teacher and somewhat participating in the nonsense people these days call trig.
Anyhow, I randomly get a text saying, and I quote from my Inbox:

"So when are we gonna have sex again?"

UHM!!! WTMFFF?!?!?!
I should I figured at this point that this was headed the wrong direction. But oh nooo! I decided to engage in this obvious madness because, fyi No, I did not (and the whole situation that ensues from this text has assured that WILL NEVER happen) sleep with the guy.
So I text back saying I seriously doubt that's going to happen.
In an awkward-psycho like twist, he says: But you'd like to?
again.. WTF?! I tell him I like you and I'm not getting myself into a situation I can't handle.

=Brief Intermission=
In my previous post about Jacob Wannabe, I mentioned he had a gf.
On the get-go, I stated clearly that we are nothing but friends and I would not get involved in any kind of drama or shenanigans of sorts.
Somewhere in between then and now, they broke up *cough BULLSHIT cough* but were still "talking to each other" (please note these are some of the reasons why not much has been heard of Jacob wannabe recently. I mean, c'mon, do you IDIOT placed over my forehead?!)
Anyhow, based on the status change (which I doubt ever took place) conversations ensue about relationships passed, and things were said. Nothing of any consequence. Nonetheless, I maintain my original intentions: I'm not getting involved, and whatever, life moves on. Or something like that.
During one of our times hanging out with friends, it came to the light that his now ex, was somewhat of a manipulative kinda crazy person... not by his words, but by his friends... all 7 of them. I mean, I know guys will be guys, and of course they will talk smack and exaggerate; but when they congratulated him on getting his balls back because he finally stood up for himself and ended a relationship that had been on the demise for what seemed like a while; a girl's gotta wonder.
=Continuing the story=

Anyhow, he gets this insane desire to know if I'd like to and I made a point that 1. I am not his fuck buddy and will never be, and 2. that he needs to go fuck Psycho Bitch (his now "ex". Why the name? you'll figure it out)

He insisted that I'd better. UHM... okay... Soooo, who was a vivid inappropriate imagination? (o_O)
In somewhat of a smart ass moment, I reply that better implies ALOT more than an occasional lunch and a couple text messages.
No answer from Jacob wannabe.
I text back again saying "not much to say now? yeah I thought so too."

He then says PB texted everything before.... but I was too caught up telling him a couple things... and I quote from my Outbox:

"So thank you for proving me right. It's a damn shame, but hey: at least I know I was right all along.

Cuz honestly, let's be real. Did you ever really break up with PB? Probably not. That said, go running back to her while you still can get laid, if that's what you need...

Cuz let me put it out clear for you: Neva Eva gonna get it. You proved exactly why I can't and won't trust you. Good Job Jacob wannabe!"

At this point I read the message where he stated he just got back his phone, and that PB had it all this time before.... Instant in which I feel blood boil over me, and I start seeing red, and I can't hear anything... mind you, I'm still in class, it's a privilege and a shame I know my keyboard so well (lol).

Then, to interrupt the whole thing, I get a message from my mom. My brother, the brilliant creature I see maybe once a week even though we all live in the same apartment, has decided to get into his own kind of shenanigans. Messing with the law kind of shenanigans. Older sister role clicks in, and I leave class, and talk to my mom and somewhat figure out what needs to be done. or something of that nature, and try to avoid the though of slapping my brother around when I get a hold on him. But anyhow, let's leave the fam out of this.

So, after reading this last msg, I am FUMING, as in about to break shit kinda angry. It suddently dawns on me that, hey, I'm pretty sure it's still her talking BS... but maybe I'm wrong. The combumtion of things are starting to pile up, it's 9:00pm, and I've only got 4 hours worth of sleep from the night before, which doesn't add for much mental clarity.
I've already left the classroom, and decided to stay out. So I responded to Jacob wannabe/PB that THAT was a lame excuse, and I didn't want to know more. I then added that he need not call me until he takes care of his shit with PB; that I don't like or need any drama but that if it came down to it, I would fuck her up. (yea, I'm a gansta bitch like that. Have you ever seen an angry latina? You don't wanna. We mix white chick crazy with some Ghetto shit... lol)

I proceed to smoke a cigarrette. Mind you, I do not smoke... ever. I cooled down for a little bit. Talked to Magic 8 for a bit. Talked to Babes for a bit, and that helped plenty. I was still pretty wound up about the whole situation, but I managed to talk some of it off.
Turtle text me asking if I was ok, I stated that I would be staying outside, and asked him to let me know when class was over; and he said ok.

In the meantime, PB answered, again from Jacob wannabe's phone, saying, and I quote from my inbox, yet again:

"Sweetie if you think you can take me then you feel free to try. Although I have to say at least I'm not a fucking easy lay and by the way that was me just messing the whole time. Cause I thought it would be funny. Just goes to show how easy you really are!"

UHM. Did I ever say I slept with him? NO. Did I ever engage in such activities? NO.
So can someone please tell me why the hell this heffa talking bout shit she don't know about?! In my anger, I end up breaking the cigarette I was smoking by accident, which kinda pissed me off a bit more.
At this point, even though I know I could mention some of the things said during my conversation with Jacob wannabe in regards to relationships past, I decide not. I stand by my original thoughts of not getting involved. So what if she's some crazy chick who's kinda stalkerish if you ask me. I still decided to mess with her mind a bit and not clarify that I didn't sleep with him, not because I care what she thinks about me (because I don't) but because I knew it would certainly make her mind wander and wonder if I ever did.

I responded that I'm not wasting my time on her, and told her not to talk shit about what she doesn't know. In an attempt to disengage from the whole situation, I ended my response with Have a nice life. (lol I know, kinda pathetic, but IDC)

She responded: "Oh but why when bitches like you are so easy. And my life will be nice with my lovely boy."

I must admit I got the last laugh, and in all honesty, it was a good one. I ended the conversation with "Yeah, you go SETTLE for THAT. lol"

At this point, class has ended, Turtle texted me, I went to get my stuff, and Turtle had also taken some notes for me, which I must admit was really really nice. I head home on the shuttle. I take the train. I call mom. I take the bus. I get off at my usual stop to wait for mom.

Jacob wannabe calls. At this point, I don't know if it's him or PB, but I answer anyway.

Fuck it. Bring it on bitch.

He tells me he just left her house, and that he was soo soo sorry.

I let him apologize. Asked him if he had anything else left to say, and he said he was sorry again. I told him : "Yeah... about that. I don't have much to say. I'll talk to you whenever I talk to you. Have a nice life" and hung up.

He texted again saying he was sorry.

In all honesty, I suppose it's not really his fault. But then again, I said the WHOLE time, I didn't want any part or piece of this kind of crap. In hindsight, even when I clearly stated I didn't want to get involved in all this drama, I did the minute I went out with him in a sorta kinda something like a date even though he has a gf. I suppose this is the part where I acknowledge that I brought this upon myself or something... *shrug*

I got home. Ate dinner.

I decided to ask him if he had read the conversation or if PB had erased all the mgs. He said she had erased everything and he swore he had no idea what she said and that what he said over the phone was the truth.

I told him I would forward him the whole conversation so he would know why I won't be talking or hanging out with him again.

He responded saying: "ever again? So you want nothing more to do with me?"
I just forwarded the messages from both sides.

Anyhow, this was the official demise of our whatever it was:

-"Wow. I'm so sorry about all of that. I don't think of you in that way at all. Plus, we just talked about how we're only gonna hang out with friends and not go on dates. I swear to you that's not who I am. Especially to you. I completely understand if you never wanna see me but please let us be friends whenever you wanna talk to me again. You're an absolutely stunning person and I'd hate to lose you completely. I'm sorry."

***"Yeah... I don't know... I feel shamed and scorned for the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do: get involved between you two. And that's the gem that is your girlfriend."

-"We are broke up, but you are right, I am still talking to her. You deserve to be the only girl, not the other girl, and I'm so sorry for putting you in that position. I hate that this happened to you."

***"Anyhow, at this point, I haven't got much to say... I think it's best you deal with whatever bullshit you two have going on, cause I WILL fuck her up if I get a chance.
And about being friends? Maybe. Not for now. But at least know you know why. Ttly"

-"Ok. A maybe is good enough for me. Thank you..."

The End.

***Names have been changed to reflect my anger and maintain some degree of respect for my privacy (not her personal identity).


So... Wow.. Interesting.
Why did I chose to cut him off cold turkey instead of just ignoring the whole situation? I'm not quite sure, but something in my head told me it was the right choice. (maybe it was the voice of reasoning or the echo of my mother's words resonating, I dunno.) I just decided to remove myself from further drama, and like I said before, the minute I decided to go on that single, infamous date with him, I got involved.
In a sense, I'm pretty clear that he didn't quite have a role in the drama. However, who the fuck leaves their phone within reach of a well-known manipulative ex gf, even if you're "still friends"?
And her. Don't get me started. I have a strong dislike for bullshit, drama, and all around bitchass-ness. But that was just two steps too far for me. I just hope I never get to see her.. cuz it's on, b!

Anyhow, it is now past midnight, and I gotsa get ousta here... But some questions remain to be answered... did I really bring this upon myself? Was my anger out of line? Or was it well deserved?