Bike dude

Dear Bike dude,

I don't know your name.
Let's start at the fact that we rode the same bus and the same train
 for over a year and even though we never spoke, we were both fully aware of each others presence. I say this because, well, you'd race me to the door and up the stairs every time we'd get to the station. I always hated that, bike and everything, there would be times you'd beat me to the train, however I'll admit that this unspoken competition was, a couple times, the highlight of my day, and for that, I pay tribute to it on this post.
One of the last time I saw you, a couple of months back, I took a candid picture of you. kind of stalker-ish, I know, but in all honesty, not ill- intentioned. I just wanted a memory.
Nowadays, I take an earlier bus, to catch my torturous 8am class, to which I am always 15 minutes late, and I never see you. I did, recently though, decide to skip the 8am class and ended up taking a later bus. I wondered if I would see you, and I did. And although we don't talk, the competition was on and running again.
It's these little things that make life worth living. ♥.
I don't know if or when I'll see you again; and for that matter, I don't know if we'll ever talk, but it's been a good competition.

-Jezz

Another day in the life :)
I'm actually kinda happy today.
Never mind the fact that I have very few hours of sleep behind my eyes, and that I had to come into work at 8am to get some training done (inhumane considering I don't get home til 11 on Wednesdays and then have to do school work, usually until I crack at 2 am), and the fact that I have yet to eat breakfast despite the fact that it's almost 5 pm and I have another 7 hours of work to go.
I am happy. (My mood swings scare the crap outta me sometimes though.)

Jacob wannabe is going to Florida this weekend, so I don't have to deal with the constant struggle of liking him but not letting myself like him too much.

Babes moved out of his dorm, and moved in with one of his friends from Georgia.

Last night's class with Has wasn't bad at. Matter of fact, last night's class wasn't bad at all. Considering it's a math class, and my mathematically impaired brain, and the fact that I understood everything (well, almost everything) was awesome. Austin (another math team mate) and I had some decent conversation in breaks, ranging from his wife and daghter to my brothers and school and of course how awful math is and even some latin american food he's tasted with his wife's cooking.

Next friday is the Incubus concert (YEAH!!!) and I can't wait, since I have tickets to the pit, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STAGE (Loving my life about that :D) and a I'm taking a salsa class is September, which will be kinda fun too, considering my partner is gonna be Jacob wannabe.

My carpel tunnel is back too :/ and to make matters worse, it's also affecting my sketches a bit.
Oh, and now that I remember, I left my sketchbook on campus last night, in the math room. I didn't notice until I was halfway home, at which point, it was pointless to try to get back to campus because it was closed. I called some friends and they told me they'd try to get it today, but I haven't heard any word that it's been secured. That sketch pad has all my sketches for Figure Drawing. As in, hundreds of one minute sketches, dozens of five minute sketches and a couple of ten minute sketches of live models; which of course, I won't be able to re-do. Bummer.
I'm not letting that get to me though.

I'm happy today and bent on enjoying that.
I do have to work though, so I'll catch y'all later :P

-Jezz

Echo- Just because I'm bored at work

1. SOMEONE SAYS "ARE YOU OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Aint no nigga"- Jay Z ft. Foxxy Brown

2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF:
"Wonderwall"- Oasis cover by Robbie Williams- live acoustic

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Closer"- Drake

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"We are all made of stars"- Moby

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Stronger" Kanye West [so love this one]

6. WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
"Broken Heart"- Dashboard Confessionals

7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Something Beautiful"- Robbie Williams

8. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Rise Up"- Yves Larock

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Fences"- Paramoure

10. WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Face to Face"- Daft Punk [lol sooo fits!]

11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"To have and to hold"- Deftones [damn babes!]

12. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Privilege"- Incubus

13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Heartless"- Kanye West

14. WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"City is Mine"- Drake [lmfao]

15. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"All my loving"- Jim Sturguess (Across the Universe soundtrack)

16. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"My Favorite Game"- The Cardigans

17. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Groovejet (If this ain't love)"- Spiller ft. Sophie Ellis Bextor

18. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Dream to make believe"- Armour for Sleep

19. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Faded"- Drake

20. WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
"I will survive"- Cake

21. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Let it out"- Hoobastank

22. WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"You're so last summer"- Taking Back Sunday

23. HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Flying over bus stops"- Athlete [lol]

24. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Dirty Harry"- Gorillaz

25. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Echo"- Vertical Horizon

Random- Alphabet survey! :P

A
- Available: what?
- Age: 20 and months... (God! how much longer til 21?!)
- Annoyance: stalling and dancing around a subject
- Animal: Dog and fish
- Actor: Channing Tatum.. El tipo ta bueno... como le da su gana. nuff said.
-Actress: IDk, but I"d say Charlize Theron and Eva Mendes... Might change my mind on that

B
- Beer: Miller & Presidente (la mejor cerveza, el verdadero sabor! ... lol)
- Birthday/Birthplace: November 5th, NY, NY
- Best Friends: SooziQ, Babes, Claudia, Hass :)
- Best feeling in the world: SLEEP!! and a good night out
- Blind or Deaf: rather be deaf lol...
- Best weather: Bright sunny days :)
- Been in Love: who hasn't?!
- Been on stage?: yeah... kinda love it there
- Believe in yourself? : yeah, not that I'm life delusional or anything, but I'm sorta awesome :P
- Believe in life on other planets: yeah... I'm not self- centered and stupid enough to believe that humans are the most intelligent form of life in this universe, I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? lol
- Believe in miracles: yeah, but they're rare
- Believe in Magic: Nahh not even
- Believe in God: Yes I do!
- Believe in Satan: Yeha, it's not like we can all be good and decent, ya know?
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: Nahhh... dude that must've been some really bad crack!
- Believe in Evolution: Seriously? Na, not even... I am not a monkey!

C
- Car: 2008 Ford Mustang GT... anyone who knows me will kow I drool a the sight of this car. If only... *Deep sigh*
- Candy: Reeses, Kit Kat, caramel popcorn and BROWNIES!
- Color: to wear, black & white. for everything else? purple
- Cried in school: yeahhhh
- Chocolate/Vanilla: ChoCoLaTe
- Chinese/Mexican: this is just a fukttup question... next!!
- Country to visit: Egypt, France, Japan, Greece, Tahiti

D
- Day or Night: NIGHT!
- Dream vehicle: 2008 Ford Mustang GT. Feel free to donate one to me at anytime :)
- Danced: last friday
- Dance in the rain: lol like a month ago, while I was waiting for the bus with no umbrella

E
- Eggs: When fried. over easy with crispy edges. When scrambled, with cilantro and tomatoes
- Eyes: mine are chocolaty brown, but I drool for hazel eyes
- Everyone has a: heart. No seriously, you can't live without a heart!

F
- First crush: ay padre... Hugo Tavarez, 5th grade I think... damn... long long long ago!
- Full name: Jessica Antonia Aybar Hernandez
- First thoughts waking up: Damn what time is it?!?!
- Food: delicious!!!

G
- Greatest Fear: failure and disappointing those who believe in me
- Giver or taker: uhm... wrong wording to that question.. pue si...
- Goals: To travel the world
- Gum: Strawberry trident
- Get along with your parents?: yeah sorta... My mom is like awesome. lol
- Good luck charm: Diamond and Onyx ring from my grandma :)

H
- Hair Color: same color as always, Mahogany brown
- Height: 5'7 I think
- Happy: on good days
- Holiday: New Year's day... My brother's bday!
- Health freak? Naah.. I like healthy food, but do I make a conscious decision to exclusively eat that? hella nah!
- Hate: cronically messy people who invade my personal space with their mess. Meaning my little brother's toys all over my bed. NO. NOT NICE! oh, and people who don't close doors after themselves.

I
- Ice Cream: Chocolate, Brownie and Dulce de Leche
- Instrument: I play piano, but I love violin and chello

J
- Jewelry: earings, and rings. Always.
- Job: Customer Service Rep... be nice people. Not all of us are assholes, ya know?! Some of us try to help y'all!

K
- Kids: are cute to have when they are approximately 4-9 months... after that, not even
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing. It's my next great adventure.
- Keep a journal?: yeah, on and off for a while now

L
- Longest Car Ride: On the road from Santo Domingo to Samana... omg it felt like forever
- Love: is tricky, confusing, overwhelming, and beautiful. I loves: chocolate, piano, chello, cookies and Mustangs :)
- Letter: J of course! on the other hand, I do write letters occasionally... particularly to babes cuz we can't quite talk like normal people.
- Laughed so hard you cried: the day I fell off the bed while trying to mock babes... a good 3 hours laughing at my stupidity.. lol

M
- Milk flavor: Chocolateee!
- Movie: anything but horror movies... they creep me out... so I only watch them when I'm not alone
- Marriage: not a subject I openly discuss. EVER. See my previous post on marriage.


N
- Number of Siblings: 2... my brothers!
- Number of Piercings: 2.. at one point I had a belly right, but that faded fast... lol
- Number: 5, 11

O
- Overused Phrases: nah not even, STFU!, W/E! and ehhh y entonce?!
- One wish: "May the happiness of others lives be enough to overshadow the sorrows of my own"
- One phobia: not being able to breathe
- Perfect Pizza: tomatoes and cilantro. Sometimes with mushrooms
- Pepsi/Coke: Coca Cola :)

R
- Reason to cry: despair, helplessness, aggravation
- Reality T.V.: The Amazing Race, and The biggest loser
- Radio Station: Q100 Atlanta!! lol

S
- Shoe size: 7 1/2- 8
- Sushi: tried it for the 1st time on my last birthday with friends... hooked ever since.
- Skipped school: frequently... wait not, I'm not supposed to admit that.. damn
- Slept outside: haha yeah, me and Soozi were stranded for a night in NYC... lol
- Seen a dead body?: not even
- Smoked?: every once in a while, but never on a regular.
- Skinny dipped?: nahh never
- Shower daily?: yeaahhhh
- Sing well?: I like to think so
- In the shower?: nah, not even
- Swear?: yeah, like most of humanity
- Stuffed Animals?: love me some.... specially Asher :)
-Single/Group dates: single dates are more personal, but group dates are random and hilarious

T
- Thunderstorms: means lots of rain which means my happy ass will be asleep in 3.5 minutes. :)
- TV: don't watch much, but SNL is the shizznit
- Unpredictable: my mom. LOL.

V-
-Vegetable you hate: CARROTS! I hate them with a passion!
- Vegetable you love: brocolli :) (yeah I know I'm like weird n stuff)

W
- Weakness: chocoolateee!
- Who makes you laugh the most: my BFF's
- Wanted to be a model?: nahh that's all Soozi
- Worst weather: cold cold cold winter days :( It aggravates me.

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: my favorite color growing up. My room was yellow when I lived in DR.

Z
- Zoo animal: Tigers.... rawr :)
- Zodiac sign: Scorpio

TGIF

I got flowers delivered today! :D

Half the office knew before I did... lol
My supervisor seemed to be thrilled with the fact that someone sent them, I'd say even a little amused; stopping by every few minutes and asking what he tried to make subtle questions about the matter...

anyhow, now they're sitting at my desk :) yay!
and they have brightened my day -despite other matters that came up-

I'm kinda sad that they'll be here by themselves tomorrow though... oh well.
Yes people, this is what my desk looks like, the daily view I get for 10 hours straight.
If you look to the top left, you can see me, all smiles, reflected on the mirror I have there.
on the bottom left, you can see my little monkey, with his cute little tie that reads "I go bananas for you", which was also a gift.
Please excuse my bottle of water in the pic- lol.
And the top frame, my pics, these are the real things, what keep me going not just everyday, but throughout life.

Anyhow folks, it's Friday night and I gots work to do.... so as usual,
catch y'all later punks :P

-Jezz

Monday morning [>_<]

It's monday and I'm miserable.
i suppose that lack of sleep and food might have something to do with it, but I don't really know that for a fact.
I just know that I have some sort of killer rage boiling inside me for no fuckin reason.
I didn't go to class today. Has says the warm weather has gotten to my head. I do admit that being from the Carribbean, warm weather does tend to make me lose focus from my priorities. I begged to go on some random great adventure for the day, that would involve me riding shotgun in his car. However, he wasn't quite diggin it, and wanted to email our proffessor. I begged and begged, all to no avail.
After he dragged my ass up the stairs to the 4th floor and then to the 5th floor to get online and start doing some work, Has and I realized that we can't even log into the school network.
Fantabulous.
I decide to go to Financial Aid and at least TRY to do something productive the class time I'm missing.
I got some good & some bad news from Financial Aid, but overall, nothing that will be particularly helpful at the momment. So I deiceded to try to figure out why I couldn't log into the school network, but of course no-one was there. I tracked down the head of the IT Dept and she changed my password. I was finally able to log in. Somehow, I'm not exactly thrilled nor overwhelmed with the news. *blank stare*
I TRY to start working on the damned assisgnemnt, purposely designed to bore you to death and back before you're even half-way done with the damned essay.
I gave up in record time, 7.52 minutes. ^#@#$ this @#@$#$!
anyhow. I think this has a strong dependency on lack of food and sleep, mainly, most likely completly, the food part.
I'm cranky andnow that I think of it I'm kinda sorry I'm being a meanie to Has.
For whatever it's worth, I decided to actually email the proffessor, like Has dragged me to. *grim half-assed smile that looks like a cross between a confused look and pain*
Anyhow. I need to get me some breakfast before I end up breaking something.

Whomever said that Breakfast is brainfood, Dude you were SO damnned right man!\

Catch y'all later chumps.

-Jezz

New Playlist- Across the Universe Soundtrack

So last weekend I saw the movie Across the Universe with my BFF :) I swear the movie was surreal and yet it made perfect sense at the same time. The soundtrack was flawless & just emotionally appealing... sooo.... I googled it and now its my new playlist :D Yay!!!

1. "Girl" — Sturgess
2. "Hold Me Tight" — Wood, Hogg
3. "All My Loving" — Sturgess
4. "I Want To Hold Your Hand" — Carpio
5. "With A Little Help From My Friends" — Anderson, Sturgess, "dorm buddies"
6. "It Won't Be Long" — Wood, "students"
7. "I've Just Seen A Face" — Sturgess, Anderson
8. "Let It Be" — Woods, Mitchum, church choir
9. "Come Together" — Joe Cocker, McCoy
10. "Why Don't We Do It In The Road?" — Fuchs
11. "If I Fell" — Wood
12. "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" — Anderson, Fuchs, Carpio, soldiers
13. "Dear Prudence" — Fuchs, Sturgess, Wood, Anderson
14. "Flying" instrumental - The Secret Machines
15. "Blue Jay Way" — The Secret Machines
16. "I Am The Walrus" — Bono, The Secret Machines
17. "Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite!" — Eddie Izzard
18. "Because" — Wood, Sturgess, Anderson, Fuchs, Carpio, McCoy
19. "Something" — Sturgess
20. "Oh! Darling" — Fuchs, McCoy
21. "Strawberry Fields Forever" — Sturgess, Anderson
22. "Revolution" — Sturgess
23. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" — McCoy, Sturgess
24. "Across the Universe" — Sturgess (interwoven with "Helter Skelter")
25. "Helter Skelter" — Fuchs (interwoven with "Across the Universe")
26. "And I Love Her" (brief extract incorporated into the orchestral score during the "Across the Universe"/"Helter Skelter" sequence)
27. "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" — Anderson, Hayek, patients
28. "A Day In The Life" — Jeff Beck
29. "Blackbird" — Wood
30. "Hey Jude" — Anderson, Mounsey
31. "Don't Let Me Down" — Fuchs, McCoy
32. "All You Need Is Love" — Sturgess, Fuchs, Carpio, McCoy
33. "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" — Bono, The Edge

A night with my girls

So Wednesday night we had an impromptu sleepover.
We means, me and my girls: G, Betty and Pao.
I think I have actually yet to mention them on my blog. Ha. Funny.
Well here is a brief description of my GA partners in crime:

G (aka Gema): 20, Ecuadorian, Political Science Major. She's a trip. Funny and astoundingly smart, this girl has a passion for intelligence and wit. She refuses to be anything close to human and embracing emotions. For the longest time ( well most of the almost 2 years I've known her, actually) were strictly forbidden from using the term as friends: We were merely co-workers (yeah that's how we all met, we worked together in ST. Go figure). Mind you were spent most of the summer hanging out and we went to New York together as a group last march, but I guess that didn't really count. So apparently, absence does make the heart grow fonder cause since I've changed jobs last July we haven't seen each other on regular frequency, even thought she lives within a 3 mile radius from my house. And as of yesterday we have all ( Betty, Pao and I) gotten a promotion: we're officially G's friends. Haha. Guess we grew on her. lol.
Ohh and she's friends with my mom, who does happen to be one of her supervisors. Go figure. They'll tell me how great and smart, and open-minded my mom is. Ha. If only she'd apply the same work principles to motherhood!

Pao, Betty, me, and G
Club Groove, NYC

Betty (aka Berta): 22, Mexican. Betty's our older little sister. She has a thing for ketchup. She eats EVERYTHING with ketchup, and it's not in small quantities. She is a little spoiled at times, but always on a good mood. Oh, and she can't pronounce the ch sound. This isn't too bad in English but it's hilarious in Spanish cause she can't even say her hometown's name right: it comes out like Shiwawwah instead of Chihuahua. :D and I crack up when I hear her say mushasho too. But, that said, she's a determined, outgoing one.

JL (my bro), Betty, Pao, G, and I

Pao (aka Paola, Paolation) : 21, Peruvian, Psychology Major. The nickname Paolation came from my mom... and then Pao started calling me Jessication (ughh!). She's the somewhat shier one, but she's the scatter-brained one that has all the random jokes, like "X?!" (the South American version of WTF?!). She and Betty are practically sisters. She has an adorable black lab named Reggie, who I think is kinda crazy but adorable nonetheless. She kept calling me Teffy, her BFF whom isn't quite part of the group because a) she's a UGA student and it all the way out in Athens, b) is a little TOO straight-laced and stuck up for my patience, so c) I don't like her all too much. (Nothing personal Teffy), but now she calls me Erica from time to time, even thought I have no frigging idea of who's Erica. She has the attention span of a 5 year old, but she's fantabulously awesome. And our taste in music is eerily alike.

Betty, Me, G, Pao, Teffy and Ana
Sex & the City movie premiere

Ana (aka AnaMaria): 26-ish (I think!), Colombian, Law school graduate, currently working on her Masters degree in Sweden. This one is an honorary mention. As you already know, my headquarters are in GA, so I don't see much of Ana these days. She was our mentor/mother/older sister/ bad influence/ inspiration/ everything in between. In many ways, she's G's ideal: strong, determined, driven, self-reliant and motivated. She had it all. I guess that's the reason she's in Sweden now, she just keeps moving forward, looking for her next big thing, next great adventure. I gotta say that's one of the things that most inspires me about her, she never lets anything get in the way to what she wants and where she's going. Anyhow, like I said, she's in Sweden, so I guess my next great adventure will be to visit her out there. lol.

Ana and I
Our 1st night @ Opera (Best clubbin night of my life!)

So, back to the original theme on this post.
We had a girl's night in. I hadn't had so much fun in a good while. We were at G's house, which is enormous, and we had too much alcohol, not that we thought that was a bad idea. After several hours of catching up, debating about cultural issues, discussing our regular gripes with parents, boyfriends, ex boyfriends, crushes, school, work, pros and cons of random things, and then dealt with pedicures and being drunk together.
It was a good time, except that I fell asleep in the home theatre room in the basement, and then Pao threw up on the carpet and (druken) Betty told her to take her pants off to clean up the mess and carried her to bed, and somewhere along the line G went upstairs too, and I was left asleep in the home theatre by my lonesome self. We all thought this was hilarious in the morning, but I admit that it was a little eerie when I woke up at 5:30 am wondering wtf happened and where was everybody. Lol. And Pao not remembering what happened to her pants and why she was sleeping in her underwear was priceless. She looked at Betty and said "OMG where are my pants?! I have no pants on!? What the hell?! Golo, where are my pants?!" and Betty just cracked up on her. I swear, her puzzled look was priceless.
Anyhow, that said, I gotta admit that friendship is an interesting thing. No matter how much time passes since the last time I've seen them, we fall back right into place. Feels good to know I have my own little niche in this world, away from the regularity of reality. Lol.

Catch ya laters... yeah, I gotta go and actually work. lol

-Jezz

G, Pao, Ana, Me and Betty

The balancing act

SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)

After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.

As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.

That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]

Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.

Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.

Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.

More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!

-ttys

So far in 09...

I'm at home, burning cd's into my pc, bored with life, pondering on the events of last month. Shit is crazy. Life is just crazy all around in 09. (o_0)

• New Year's- Party at Donna's, going to H.aS.'s house, going to Loca Luna, falling asleep til the next day!, then going home and getting dressed for work... getting to work and falling asleep (LOL)
• My Valentine's day Date with H.a.S., and my present, and dinner, and Loca Luna with my friends
• my dad moving to Hamburg,Germany;
• My relationship with H.aS., and all the issues that came up
  
• my parent's incessant drama among themselves,
• dropping my GPA to 1.37
• Working with Ms. Shay (my academic advisor) and bringing my GPA back up to 2.67 in a single quarter (I'm going to get it back up to 3.5 by next quarter, just you watch!),
• longing for warmer days,
• Ally J announcing she's coming over in June/July,
• dealing with mom & dad's reaction to my relationship with H.a.S.
• trying to figure out wtf i'm supposed to be doing
• dealing with babes and how our relationship changed,
• finding out about he and CoccoSooz moving out here and going to AIU,
• H.a.S losing his grandfather,
• my tax return and having enough money to buy a car :D
• the tumultous way babes and CoccoSooz arrived in GA, H.a.S and babes actually meeting (akward!) and the rescue mission to Lavonia, GA
• going thru orientation, getting them (babes and CoccoSooz) set up in their dorms, getting registered for class,
• changing my routine, going over to their dorms every other day, chilling, hanging out
• feeling caught between babes and H.a.S., trying to divide my affection and attention between the two,
• the incident between H.a.S. and babes the night after the club (o_O)
• deciding that they are NOT going to hang out together, ever
• trying to balance out my time evenly
• realizing my life is a friggin mess, and taking time to get myself together slowly,
  
• deciding not to buy a car just yet, much to my disdain
• the Blogger conference in Chicago in June
  
• my aunt losing her father,
• dealing with work and all it's incessant changes,
• mom reading my blog, and all my drafts and flipping the f! out ( ay yikes... :S)
• ALLERGY SEASON being back and me being miserable and sleepy,
• dealing with Dr K and her lisp (rawr), and getting a B on my 1st paper :D (told y'all I'm getting that GPA up)
• getting bangs on my hair and having everyone tell me I look like a child (wtf?!)
  
• convincing mom about me going to Chicago for the blogger conference (after the incident with her reading my drafts)
  
• Sabrina, Chris and Joey coming down from NY, trying to fit in and still be nice

Somewhere after the combumction of events that have occurred in the last months, I've managed to get some sort of peace of mind and order...
I still have like a million bzillion things I need to get together, but for now, things look pretty hopeful.
Some things still worry me. I still feel like I'm working with a ticking bomb, and that before I know it everything will blow up in my face, but at least I have my own little version of a support group going on.
I'm a tab jealous that soozi's been here for like 2 weeks and she's hanging out with celebrities? (uhhh wtf b?!) but I know good and damn well that she just manages her way around people like that (lol)
Oh, and work is still a biatch. I admit I'm still there for all the wrong reasons: the money, the schedule flexibility, the hours (even though that's also part of the reason I want to leave), the prestige, oh Lordie!

Anyhow, it is now 1 pm and my sorry bum needs to get ready for work :/
I'd promise to blog more oftern buuuuttt...
Idk what's 09 has in store for me in the next month... I swear I can feel something brewing already...
anyway,
catch ya latta chumps.

another day in the life

Another day in the life of a product specialist-college student-wonderwoman in training,
another day in my world.
Another day pretending I really give a f---
another day pretending I'm working hard here at my des, when the truth is I spend at least half of my shift reading blogs and news online...
hell today I was even watching videos of laughing babies online (they're adorable :P)
I'm so so ready to go home.... but even then;
I have to clean up, organize, fold laundry, prep the house
A is coming tommorrow :)
I have yet to even start that online class paper, and I have the strongest feeling that I'mma fail that class....
so anyhow,
I'm sitting here in my sad cubicle, texting my BF and bloggging,
eating skittles and drinking SoBe, looking enraptured by work
reservation confirmation numbers and cold fusion errors,
HTML pages, modifications, GDS systems,
live properties, Level 2, pending open tickets,
and the UAT testing I should be doing
while in all honesty I just want to curl up in bed.

I complain so much about being here, but truth be told, it is a blessing.
I have been able to do so much more for my family while being here,
I've been able to keep things afloat if not stable,
and I've had my first taste of the corporate world...
I'm just not motivated enough, I'm not driven.
I'm here because I need to be.
I know that things could be so so much worse. I know that I could be in a worse situation and no other choice but to live with it.... but being here is so depressing!
Please don't think I'm not grateful; I am.
With the economy that way it's going, and all the things I coulda shoulda woulda,
I know that being here is a reason to be inifitly grateful, and I am....
I guess this is the point where I shut and prove how grateful I really am and start working...
oh well.

Here's to another day.