Random- Alphabet survey! :P

A
- Available: what?
- Age: 20 and months... (God! how much longer til 21?!)
- Annoyance: stalling and dancing around a subject
- Animal: Dog and fish
- Actor: Channing Tatum.. El tipo ta bueno... como le da su gana. nuff said.
-Actress: IDk, but I"d say Charlize Theron and Eva Mendes... Might change my mind on that

B
- Beer: Miller & Presidente (la mejor cerveza, el verdadero sabor! ... lol)
- Birthday/Birthplace: November 5th, NY, NY
- Best Friends: SooziQ, Babes, Claudia, Hass :)
- Best feeling in the world: SLEEP!! and a good night out
- Blind or Deaf: rather be deaf lol...
- Best weather: Bright sunny days :)
- Been in Love: who hasn't?!
- Been on stage?: yeah... kinda love it there
- Believe in yourself? : yeah, not that I'm life delusional or anything, but I'm sorta awesome :P
- Believe in life on other planets: yeah... I'm not self- centered and stupid enough to believe that humans are the most intelligent form of life in this universe, I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? lol
- Believe in miracles: yeah, but they're rare
- Believe in Magic: Nahh not even
- Believe in God: Yes I do!
- Believe in Satan: Yeha, it's not like we can all be good and decent, ya know?
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: Nahhh... dude that must've been some really bad crack!
- Believe in Evolution: Seriously? Na, not even... I am not a monkey!

C
- Car: 2008 Ford Mustang GT... anyone who knows me will kow I drool a the sight of this car. If only... *Deep sigh*
- Candy: Reeses, Kit Kat, caramel popcorn and BROWNIES!
- Color: to wear, black & white. for everything else? purple
- Cried in school: yeahhhh
- Chocolate/Vanilla: ChoCoLaTe
- Chinese/Mexican: this is just a fukttup question... next!!
- Country to visit: Egypt, France, Japan, Greece, Tahiti

D
- Day or Night: NIGHT!
- Dream vehicle: 2008 Ford Mustang GT. Feel free to donate one to me at anytime :)
- Danced: last friday
- Dance in the rain: lol like a month ago, while I was waiting for the bus with no umbrella

E
- Eggs: When fried. over easy with crispy edges. When scrambled, with cilantro and tomatoes
- Eyes: mine are chocolaty brown, but I drool for hazel eyes
- Everyone has a: heart. No seriously, you can't live without a heart!

F
- First crush: ay padre... Hugo Tavarez, 5th grade I think... damn... long long long ago!
- Full name: Jessica Antonia Aybar Hernandez
- First thoughts waking up: Damn what time is it?!?!
- Food: delicious!!!

G
- Greatest Fear: failure and disappointing those who believe in me
- Giver or taker: uhm... wrong wording to that question.. pue si...
- Goals: To travel the world
- Gum: Strawberry trident
- Get along with your parents?: yeah sorta... My mom is like awesome. lol
- Good luck charm: Diamond and Onyx ring from my grandma :)

H
- Hair Color: same color as always, Mahogany brown
- Height: 5'7 I think
- Happy: on good days
- Holiday: New Year's day... My brother's bday!
- Health freak? Naah.. I like healthy food, but do I make a conscious decision to exclusively eat that? hella nah!
- Hate: cronically messy people who invade my personal space with their mess. Meaning my little brother's toys all over my bed. NO. NOT NICE! oh, and people who don't close doors after themselves.

I
- Ice Cream: Chocolate, Brownie and Dulce de Leche
- Instrument: I play piano, but I love violin and chello

J
- Jewelry: earings, and rings. Always.
- Job: Customer Service Rep... be nice people. Not all of us are assholes, ya know?! Some of us try to help y'all!

K
- Kids: are cute to have when they are approximately 4-9 months... after that, not even
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing. It's my next great adventure.
- Keep a journal?: yeah, on and off for a while now

L
- Longest Car Ride: On the road from Santo Domingo to Samana... omg it felt like forever
- Love: is tricky, confusing, overwhelming, and beautiful. I loves: chocolate, piano, chello, cookies and Mustangs :)
- Letter: J of course! on the other hand, I do write letters occasionally... particularly to babes cuz we can't quite talk like normal people.
- Laughed so hard you cried: the day I fell off the bed while trying to mock babes... a good 3 hours laughing at my stupidity.. lol

M
- Milk flavor: Chocolateee!
- Movie: anything but horror movies... they creep me out... so I only watch them when I'm not alone
- Marriage: not a subject I openly discuss. EVER. See my previous post on marriage.


N
- Number of Siblings: 2... my brothers!
- Number of Piercings: 2.. at one point I had a belly right, but that faded fast... lol
- Number: 5, 11

O
- Overused Phrases: nah not even, STFU!, W/E! and ehhh y entonce?!
- One wish: "May the happiness of others lives be enough to overshadow the sorrows of my own"
- One phobia: not being able to breathe
- Perfect Pizza: tomatoes and cilantro. Sometimes with mushrooms
- Pepsi/Coke: Coca Cola :)

R
- Reason to cry: despair, helplessness, aggravation
- Reality T.V.: The Amazing Race, and The biggest loser
- Radio Station: Q100 Atlanta!! lol

S
- Shoe size: 7 1/2- 8
- Sushi: tried it for the 1st time on my last birthday with friends... hooked ever since.
- Skipped school: frequently... wait not, I'm not supposed to admit that.. damn
- Slept outside: haha yeah, me and Soozi were stranded for a night in NYC... lol
- Seen a dead body?: not even
- Smoked?: every once in a while, but never on a regular.
- Skinny dipped?: nahh never
- Shower daily?: yeaahhhh
- Sing well?: I like to think so
- In the shower?: nah, not even
- Swear?: yeah, like most of humanity
- Stuffed Animals?: love me some.... specially Asher :)
-Single/Group dates: single dates are more personal, but group dates are random and hilarious

T
- Thunderstorms: means lots of rain which means my happy ass will be asleep in 3.5 minutes. :)
- TV: don't watch much, but SNL is the shizznit
- Unpredictable: my mom. LOL.

V-
-Vegetable you hate: CARROTS! I hate them with a passion!
- Vegetable you love: brocolli :) (yeah I know I'm like weird n stuff)

W
- Weakness: chocoolateee!
- Who makes you laugh the most: my BFF's
- Wanted to be a model?: nahh that's all Soozi
- Worst weather: cold cold cold winter days :( It aggravates me.

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: my favorite color growing up. My room was yellow when I lived in DR.

Z
- Zoo animal: Tigers.... rawr :)
- Zodiac sign: Scorpio

TGIF

I got flowers delivered today! :D

Half the office knew before I did... lol
My supervisor seemed to be thrilled with the fact that someone sent them, I'd say even a little amused; stopping by every few minutes and asking what he tried to make subtle questions about the matter...

anyhow, now they're sitting at my desk :) yay!
and they have brightened my day -despite other matters that came up-

I'm kinda sad that they'll be here by themselves tomorrow though... oh well.
Yes people, this is what my desk looks like, the daily view I get for 10 hours straight.
If you look to the top left, you can see me, all smiles, reflected on the mirror I have there.
on the bottom left, you can see my little monkey, with his cute little tie that reads "I go bananas for you", which was also a gift.
Please excuse my bottle of water in the pic- lol.
And the top frame, my pics, these are the real things, what keep me going not just everyday, but throughout life.

Anyhow folks, it's Friday night and I gots work to do.... so as usual,
catch y'all later punks :P

-Jezz

Complexities of another day at work :/

so I'm at work. Working-ish. and I'm dreading being here because of sinus pressure. It makes me cranky and it also makes me rude, which I have admit is not a good quality due to my line of work: Customer Service.
MY allergy medicine has made me really really groggy. I feel like I'm a hazy daze, and although it makes me upset it's a good thing I'm not driving with this frame of mind.
It is cold as fudge here and that isn't helping much with anything. I just ate two bowls of nachos while working and I can't even account for it, cuz I can't rememeber eating them. yikes.

I could just leave.... but the in-box is ridiculously full and I have a million tickets to close and update and something tells me that I won't be done with all by 8pm, considering it's 6:45 already.
Maybe I should stay and just try to exist while I pretend I'm busy so I'm not on the phone queue.
Or maybe I should just go home and wrap myslef up in my sheet and call it a day, pass out, and get some rest. OR MAYBE.... I could get off work early and meet H.a.S. and Sabrina, and Chris and go out downtown to the Westin and eat tapas as we watch the city slowly turn around us.
Maybe I don't feel so bad anymore!
Ok, I do feel bad. I feel sick. I don't want to work, but I'm not THAT sick that I can't hang out and eat.
Alright so sue me! I want to leave early to go out instead of working. It's not like I called out! I've only called out once, in 9 months of working here, I can at least try to slip an early leave, using my EXISTING and DETERRING allergy symptoms as an excuse -er I mean, reason, to leave.

So it's now 6:51 and I realize that IF I want any chance to actually leave by 8:30 or 9, I should at least TRY to get the in-box down, if not much, a little. I guess I better go and make myself useful. Damn.
~> to be continued...

**************************************************************************************
10:15pm rolls around and I still feel like crap
By now all kinds of changes have come along on their own.
I'm really actually sick, fever, coldness, weakness, tiredness, lack of appetite, everything.
Sabrina, Chris and Joey decided against going to the Westin since they are leaving really really early tomorrow.
H.a.S. and I were still going once I got off work early, but I wasn't able to. According to the supervisor (whose name makes me scold and squint my eyes in anger), someone called out and I would be the only person on the phone lines for iH between 9 and 11... So there is no way on earth I can leave a minute before 11:30, sick or not.
It infuriates me that despite the evil "supervisor's" "claim", SEVERAL of my co-workers are here on duty for iH, so OBVIOUSLY it wasn't the case that I would be the only one on the phone lines.
I'm cranky and crummy and whinny, I know.
I told H.a.S not to come over to the office and bring soup and keep me company cuz I know my temper and I know I'm going to be spiteful to him; even when we both know he had really nothing to do with any part of anything really... :/ I sawries I'm a pain sometimes.
Anyway, I suppose it's safe to say I've done my blogger duties today with my 3 posts, and made up for at least a part of my prolonged absence in the recent past...
So I'll rest my head on the back of my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring for the next hour and I will also admit I might possibly fall asleep. Whatever man.
Ok, so I won't fall asleep but I'll stream music on pc, which will be just as bad anyway cuz I'll slow down the network and the phone queue. haha.
(spiteful I tell you, spiteful)

-Jezz

So far in 09...

I'm at home, burning cd's into my pc, bored with life, pondering on the events of last month. Shit is crazy. Life is just crazy all around in 09. (o_0)

• New Year's- Party at Donna's, going to H.aS.'s house, going to Loca Luna, falling asleep til the next day!, then going home and getting dressed for work... getting to work and falling asleep (LOL)
• My Valentine's day Date with H.a.S., and my present, and dinner, and Loca Luna with my friends
• my dad moving to Hamburg,Germany;
• My relationship with H.aS., and all the issues that came up
  
• my parent's incessant drama among themselves,
• dropping my GPA to 1.37
• Working with Ms. Shay (my academic advisor) and bringing my GPA back up to 2.67 in a single quarter (I'm going to get it back up to 3.5 by next quarter, just you watch!),
• longing for warmer days,
• Ally J announcing she's coming over in June/July,
• dealing with mom & dad's reaction to my relationship with H.a.S.
• trying to figure out wtf i'm supposed to be doing
• dealing with babes and how our relationship changed,
• finding out about he and CoccoSooz moving out here and going to AIU,
• H.a.S losing his grandfather,
• my tax return and having enough money to buy a car :D
• the tumultous way babes and CoccoSooz arrived in GA, H.a.S and babes actually meeting (akward!) and the rescue mission to Lavonia, GA
• going thru orientation, getting them (babes and CoccoSooz) set up in their dorms, getting registered for class,
• changing my routine, going over to their dorms every other day, chilling, hanging out
• feeling caught between babes and H.a.S., trying to divide my affection and attention between the two,
• the incident between H.a.S. and babes the night after the club (o_O)
• deciding that they are NOT going to hang out together, ever
• trying to balance out my time evenly
• realizing my life is a friggin mess, and taking time to get myself together slowly,
  
• deciding not to buy a car just yet, much to my disdain
• the Blogger conference in Chicago in June
  
• my aunt losing her father,
• dealing with work and all it's incessant changes,
• mom reading my blog, and all my drafts and flipping the f! out ( ay yikes... :S)
• ALLERGY SEASON being back and me being miserable and sleepy,
• dealing with Dr K and her lisp (rawr), and getting a B on my 1st paper :D (told y'all I'm getting that GPA up)
• getting bangs on my hair and having everyone tell me I look like a child (wtf?!)
  
• convincing mom about me going to Chicago for the blogger conference (after the incident with her reading my drafts)
  
• Sabrina, Chris and Joey coming down from NY, trying to fit in and still be nice

Somewhere after the combumction of events that have occurred in the last months, I've managed to get some sort of peace of mind and order...
I still have like a million bzillion things I need to get together, but for now, things look pretty hopeful.
Some things still worry me. I still feel like I'm working with a ticking bomb, and that before I know it everything will blow up in my face, but at least I have my own little version of a support group going on.
I'm a tab jealous that soozi's been here for like 2 weeks and she's hanging out with celebrities? (uhhh wtf b?!) but I know good and damn well that she just manages her way around people like that (lol)
Oh, and work is still a biatch. I admit I'm still there for all the wrong reasons: the money, the schedule flexibility, the hours (even though that's also part of the reason I want to leave), the prestige, oh Lordie!

Anyhow, it is now 1 pm and my sorry bum needs to get ready for work :/
I'd promise to blog more oftern buuuuttt...
Idk what's 09 has in store for me in the next month... I swear I can feel something brewing already...
anyway,
catch ya latta chumps.

Looong Weekend

I have to admit this weekend has been nothing short of surreal...
I am at a point where I feel like I stepped into the Twilight Zone (and after hearing soozi talk repeatedly about Twilight, who would'nt?!)
There is just SOOO MUCH TO SAY, I don't even know where to begin.
I also have a whole crazy lot of emotions going on around my head and my heart, which make things aot more difficult. I want to be honest and fair though, so I'll give myself some time to put things together and make my words cohesive and coherent...
but damn... so much in so little time!

Love

In peace, Love tunes the shepherd's reed;

In war, he mounts the warrior's steed;

In halls, in gay attire is seen;

In hamlets, dances on the green.

Love rules the court, the camp, the grove,

And men below and saints above;

For love is heaven, and heaven is love.

~ Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832)

Letting go of Me

oh goodness my dear turtle... the things you do to me!

After reading your last blog post, I have finally, finally, finally found the words that will explain the mystery of me. I have come across the missing piece you had strived for incesantly.

Let me explain (and for the record, there is a 25¢ fee for my thoughts!).

I want to hand you my heart. Completly. And I haven't been able to explain why I haven't done it yet.

See, here is the thing.... My mind is at peace with you...
...but only because my heart has a little tiny corner, the piece of me that is critical for survival, and it's guarded within; in a watchtower with gates and barbed wire and snippers all around.

I've kept this little corner for myself... because I know the power that lies inside it. It contains what little innocence I have left in me; the child we all carry inside that never grows; the part of us that will naively believe anything that is told to us, the part of us that will hope against all odds and that still believes in magic.

You see, that little piece of me is what I had given him freely, innocently, while I was oblivously in love.
After all was said & done in the story of him and I... I learned my lesson.
I can still say that I can love freely, and that I trust you completly....
... but I don't do it blindly; like I once did.

THAT is the reason I don't fear much, that I can trust you so easily, that I understand how you feel, and why you ask me so much: I was there, and I built my defenses against falling there again.

There is that small corner, that little piece of my heart that keeps me together, keeps me sane.
It's almost like I'm not putting my whole <3 in your basket, so to speak.
I'm not saying I don't trust you nor that I don't see a future in out relationship: I do, and I do.
It's just that I've learned that this little magical piece of me is what keeps me from falling apart when times get rough and things go sour.

It's what makes me, the trooper I am.

And I know that in giving it to you, in relinquishing that power, I put myself, absolutly, completly, entirely in your hands.

You've learned by now that I'm a pretty private person. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything, it's more along the lines of me enjoying the quietude of privacy, the joy of not being exposed...
But I love the way you find all the layers of me, and peel them off one by one, slowly, steadily.
I love how you endlessly try to figure out this insane mind of mine.
I love how you crave to know me, all of me: my thoughts, my habits, my mind, my routines, my heart.

And I want to give my heart to you. I feel like I am ready to trust you with it (still; take me one step at a time though!) I feel like I can open my hand and place my heart in yours. I have known I could since the very begining, since the wonderful days of wishy-washy (lol) ... but I'm comfortable with it now. I'm capable of letting go calmly, without that fear, without feeling like a deer in headlights, without being terrified about my desicion. I feel like I'm ready to let go of me; completly.

I hope that seeing all the shades of me, every side, every quirk doesn't overwhelm you; that knowing about all the mushyness housed inside me isn't going to send you into a panic; that realizing the concentration of feelings in that little piece of me won't send you away, because that would ultimatly prove why I kept it to myself in the first place.

I hope you handle it, cause it's coming for you.

I'm giving you my heart, and not only just a piece...

<3

...all the years of hard work...

I know you will understand.... all your years of hard work will pay off, I promise! :)

The infinite list of things I've been putting off

(I think I'll need to create my infinite playlist too :P)

-unit 4 DB
-unit 4 Indiv
-unit 5 DB
-unit 5 indiv
-Post on Jezzuka in class blog
-catch up with work (close old tickets, update existing)
-call Vikki about payment for hospital bill
-make appointment with cardiologist
-laundry
-pay phone bill
-make plans for A's december trip
-investigate flight, stay, things to do in Washington for trip with G
-call DV
-start making Xmas shopping list
-find screen
-file papers in blue box
-to buy:
~shower curtain
~file cabinet
~storage bin
~new xmas tree & ornaments
~black coat
~purple jacket
~item for turtle's "etchd"
~coat rack
~new cam
-See Bridget Jackson: change major at AIU to VisCom
-go to FA and re-package for next quarter
-set date for BC with turtle
-get my nails done




(to be continued... :S)

Random Ramblings - Love

As humans,
are utterly, unavoidbly condemned
to take one step forward and then two steps back?

Are we genetically flawwed into falling into the same hole,
tripping on the same rock
constantly,
like a periodic number that can only repeat that last number endlessly?
Are we really plainly that stupid?
to fall for the same things over and over?


Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released (particularly in areas such as the nucleus accumbens and ventral tegmental area) by naturally rewarding experiences such as food, sex,[8][9] drugs, and neutral stimuli that become associated with them. This theory is often discussed in terms of drugs such as cocaine, nicotine, and amphetamines, which seem to directly or indirectly lead to an increase of dopamine in these areas, and in relation to neurobiological theories of chemical addiction, arguing that these dopamine pathways are pathologically altered in addicted persons. Recent studies indicate that aggression may also stimulate the release of dopamine in this way.

-Wikipedia article on Dopamine

The human brain releases dopamine when it is in pleasure.
When you have good food, when you acheive something you are proud of,
when you have sex, when you are happy.
Now this substance is also released when you are in love...
and also when you are on drugs.

So let me see if I get this straight:
Love pretty much triggers the same response as a drug on your system.
I dont need to be high on LOVE!!
I got enough shit going on to make me go crazy on a daily basis on my own!

And help me understand:
If Love does the same thing for your brain as drugs do,
can love be addicting?
are we hopelessly vulnerable to become addicted to someone's love?
as to crave that person's affection to a point where nothing else matters?
to make you go against everything you stand for?
is there nothing we can do to stop this wide-spread evil?!?!

I ain't no rocket scientist, but damn, that is some seriously fucked up shit man....
WE HAVE TO CURE THIS DAMN THING!!! (o_O)

Now, I wonder,
IF,
in the hypothtical situation that I'm addicted to love,
particularly someone's love,
for these educational purposes we'll call it " X "
so, in saying that I'm addicted to X's love;
I suppose that I wouldn't possibly be able to get over my addiction to X Love by trying some other crazy compund of love,
something like, say"ZMS Love"; right?
I would only become further addicted to the general drug form,
LOVE itself...
regardless the final compound, the different variety.... so basiclly,
I need to go to rehab? (nooo, Nooo, NOO!)
Shoot, I'm already suffering all the withdrawl syndromes....
all twitchy and scatter-brained...
LOL, as someone told me, I'm all discombabulated (:P)
aw damn, I wasnt supposed to say that, it was originally a hypothetical situation...
oh well... I already admitted into it, what the hell...

So indeed, my only "cure" would just be to avoid it all costs...
indeed, stupid, and pointless
Love is damn near everywhere :/
and don't get me wrong...
for those of you lovebirds out there, by all means, man, I have no dubbs on it
Love all you want...
just keep that damn thing hella far away from me....
I need to get my head straight!!

and this insane craving is seriously NOT helping...

Well folks, I gotta finish up my working-ish day... and try to actually steer the fog that clouds my thoughts to see if I can be a productive citizen and finish my class assignments sometime in this century, hopefully before class on Monday...
-til the next one peoples...
and remember,
Say NO to Drugs!!!!