so I'm at work. Working-ish. and I'm dreading being here because of sinus pressure. It makes me cranky and it also makes me rude, which I have admit is not a good quality due to my line of work: Customer Service.
MY allergy medicine has made me really really groggy. I feel like I'm a hazy daze, and although it makes me upset it's a good thing I'm not driving with this frame of mind.
It is cold as fudge here and that isn't helping much with anything. I just ate two bowls of nachos while working and I can't even account for it, cuz I can't rememeber eating them. yikes.
I could just leave.... but the in-box is ridiculously full and I have a million tickets to close and update and something tells me that I won't be done with all by 8pm, considering it's 6:45 already.
Maybe I should stay and just try to exist while I pretend I'm busy so I'm not on the phone queue.
Or maybe I should just go home and wrap myslef up in my sheet and call it a day, pass out, and get some rest. OR MAYBE.... I could get off work early and meet H.a.S. and Sabrina, and Chris and go out downtown to the Westin and eat tapas as we watch the city slowly turn around us.
Maybe I don't feel so bad anymore!
Ok, I do feel bad. I feel sick. I don't want to work, but I'm not THAT sick that I can't hang out and eat.
Alright so sue me! I want to leave early to go out instead of working. It's not like I called out! I've only called out once, in 9 months of working here, I can at least try to slip an early leave, using my EXISTING and DETERRING allergy symptoms as an excuse -er I mean, reason, to leave.
So it's now 6:51 and I realize that IF I want any chance to actually leave by 8:30 or 9, I should at least TRY to get the in-box down, if not much, a little. I guess I better go and make myself useful. Damn.
~> to be continued...
**************************************************************************************
10:15pm rolls around and I still feel like crap
By now all kinds of changes have come along on their own.
I'm really actually sick, fever, coldness, weakness, tiredness, lack of appetite, everything.
Sabrina, Chris and Joey decided against going to the Westin since they are leaving really really early tomorrow.
H.a.S. and I were still going once I got off work early, but I wasn't able to. According to the supervisor (whose name makes me scold and squint my eyes in anger), someone called out and I would be the only person on the phone lines for iH between 9 and 11... So there is no way on earth I can leave a minute before 11:30, sick or not.
It infuriates me that despite the evil "supervisor's" "claim", SEVERAL of my co-workers are here on duty for iH, so OBVIOUSLY it wasn't the case that I would be the only one on the phone lines.
I'm cranky and crummy and whinny, I know.
I told H.a.S not to come over to the office and bring soup and keep me company cuz I know my temper and I know I'm going to be spiteful to him; even when we both know he had really nothing to do with any part of anything really... :/ I sawries I'm a pain sometimes.
Anyway, I suppose it's safe to say I've done my blogger duties today with my 3 posts, and made up for at least a part of my prolonged absence in the recent past...
So I'll rest my head on the back of my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring for the next hour and I will also admit I might possibly fall asleep. Whatever man.
Ok, so I won't fall asleep but I'll stream music on pc, which will be just as bad anyway cuz I'll slow down the network and the phone queue. haha.
(spiteful I tell you, spiteful)
-Jezz
![★»»[A nomad with a destiny]««](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizrlhBpGjkeUSCijATFldL-iBQ4muCGqi2im0-zikH02KtY2rva63ZZuZvEUaoDMzlkNAcsg4gfew4z7Jn2aVUNqwz3UcoQE4ymN7E7F7Ow-9dIdQHpnGbKCWN2GjOtFoHPTdLisbUbb8/s1600/nomad+2010.bmp)
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
The balancing act
SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)
After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.
As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.
That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]
Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.
Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.
Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.
More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!
-ttys
After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.
As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.
That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]
Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.
Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.
Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.
More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!
-ttys
So far in 09...
I'm at home, burning cd's into my pc, bored with life, pondering on the events of last month. Shit is crazy. Life is just crazy all around in 09. (o_0)
I still have like a million bzillion things I need to get together, but for now, things look pretty hopeful.
Some things still worry me. I still feel like I'm working with a ticking bomb, and that before I know it everything will blow up in my face, but at least I have my own little version of a support group going on.
I'm a tab jealous that soozi's been here for like 2 weeks and she's hanging out with celebrities? (uhhh wtf b?!) but I know good and damn well that she just manages her way around people like that (lol)
Oh, and work is still a biatch. I admit I'm still there for all the wrong reasons: the money, the schedule flexibility, the hours (even though that's also part of the reason I want to leave), the prestige, oh Lordie!
Anyhow, it is now 1 pm and my sorry bum needs to get ready for work :/
I'd promise to blog more oftern buuuuttt...
Idk what's 09 has in store for me in the next month... I swear I can feel something brewing already...
anyway,
catch ya latta chumps.
- New Year's- Party at Donna's, going to H.aS.'s house, going to Loca Luna, falling asleep til the next day!, then going home and getting dressed for work... getting to work and falling asleep (LOL)
- My Valentine's day Date with H.a.S., and my present, and dinner, and Loca Luna with my friends
- my dad moving to Hamburg,Germany;
- My relationship with H.aS., and all the issues that came up
- my parent's incessant drama among themselves,
- dropping my GPA to 1.37
- Working with Ms. Shay (my academic advisor) and bringing my GPA back up to 2.67 in a single quarter (I'm going to get it back up to 3.5 by next quarter, just you watch!),
- longing for warmer days,
- Ally J announcing she's coming over in June/July,
- dealing with mom & dad's reaction to my relationship with H.a.S.
- trying to figure out wtf i'm supposed to be doing
- dealing with babes and how our relationship changed,
- finding out about he and CoccoSooz moving out here and going to AIU,
- H.a.S losing his grandfather,
- my tax return and having enough money to buy a car :D
- the tumultous way babes and CoccoSooz arrived in GA, H.a.S and babes actually meeting (akward!) and the rescue mission to Lavonia, GA
- going thru orientation, getting them (babes and CoccoSooz) set up in their dorms, getting registered for class,
- changing my routine, going over to their dorms every other day, chilling, hanging out
- feeling caught between babes and H.a.S., trying to divide my affection and attention between the two,
- the incident between H.a.S. and babes the night after the club (o_O)
- deciding that they are NOT going to hang out together, ever
- trying to balance out my time evenly
- realizing my life is a friggin mess, and taking time to get myself together slowly,
- deciding not to buy a car just yet, much to my disdain
- the Blogger conference in Chicago in June
- my aunt losing her father,
- dealing with work and all it's incessant changes,
- mom reading my blog, and all my drafts and flipping the f! out ( ay yikes... :S)
- ALLERGY SEASON being back and me being miserable and sleepy,
- dealing with Dr K and her lisp (rawr), and getting a B on my 1st paper :D (told y'all I'm getting that GPA up)
- getting bangs on my hair and having everyone tell me I look like a child (wtf?!)
- convincing mom about me going to Chicago for the blogger conference (after the incident with her reading my drafts)
- Sabrina, Chris and Joey coming down from NY, trying to fit in and still be nice
I still have like a million bzillion things I need to get together, but for now, things look pretty hopeful.
Some things still worry me. I still feel like I'm working with a ticking bomb, and that before I know it everything will blow up in my face, but at least I have my own little version of a support group going on.
I'm a tab jealous that soozi's been here for like 2 weeks and she's hanging out with celebrities? (uhhh wtf b?!) but I know good and damn well that she just manages her way around people like that (lol)
Oh, and work is still a biatch. I admit I'm still there for all the wrong reasons: the money, the schedule flexibility, the hours (even though that's also part of the reason I want to leave), the prestige, oh Lordie!
Anyhow, it is now 1 pm and my sorry bum needs to get ready for work :/
I'd promise to blog more oftern buuuuttt...
Idk what's 09 has in store for me in the next month... I swear I can feel something brewing already...
anyway,
catch ya latta chumps.
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