Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
oh goodness my dear turtle... the things you do to me!
After reading your last blog post, I have finally, finally, finally found the words that will explain the mystery of me. I have come across the missing piece you had strived for incesantly.
Let me explain (and for the record, there is a 25¢ fee for my thoughts!).
See, here is the thing.... My mind is at peace with you...
...but only because my heart has a little tiny corner, the piece of me that is critical for survival, and it's guarded within; in a watchtower with gates and barbed wire and snippers all around.
I've kept this little corner for myself... because I know the power that lies inside it. It contains what little innocence I have left in me; the child we all carry inside that never grows; the part of us that will naively believe anything that is told to us, the part of us that will hope against all odds and that still believes in magic.
You see, that little piece of me is what I had given him freely, innocently, while I was oblivously in love.
After all was said & done in the story of him and I... I learned my lesson.
I can still say that I can love freely, and that I trust you completly....
... but I don't do it blindly; like I once did.
THAT is the reason I don't fear much, that I can trust you so easily, that I understand how you feel, and why you ask me so much: I was there, and I built my defenses against falling there again.
There is that small corner, that little piece of my heart that keeps me together, keeps me sane.
It's almost like I'm not putting my whole <3 in your basket, so to speak.
I'm not saying I don't trust you nor that I don't see a future in out relationship: I do, and I do.
It's just that I've learned that this little magical piece of me is what keeps me from falling apart when times get rough and things go sour.
It's what makes me, the trooper I am.
And I know that in giving it to you, in relinquishing that power, I put myself, absolutly, completly, entirely in your hands.
You've learned by now that I'm a pretty private person. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything, it's more along the lines of me enjoying the quietude of privacy, the joy of not being exposed...
But I love the way you find all the layers of me, and peel them off one by one, slowly, steadily.
I love how you endlessly try to figure out this insane mind of mine.
I love how you crave to know me, all of me: my thoughts, my habits, my mind, my routines, my heart.
And I want to give my heart to you. I feel like I am ready to trust you with it (still; take me one step at a time though!) I feel like I can open my hand and place my heart in yours. I have known I could since the very begining, since the wonderful days of wishy-washy (lol) ... but I'm comfortable with it now. I'm capable of letting go calmly, without that fear, without feeling like a deer in headlights, without being terrified about my desicion. I feel like I'm ready to let go of me; completly.
I hope that seeing all the shades of me, every side, every quirk doesn't overwhelm you; that knowing about all the mushyness housed inside me isn't going to send you into a panic; that realizing the concentration of feelings in that little piece of me won't send you away, because that would ultimatly prove why I kept it to myself in the first place.
I hope you handle it, cause it's coming for you.
I'm giving you my heart, and not only just a piece...