Antother one comes & goes....

So another year comes & goes, I have to say that even at this point, you manage to amuse, bewilder and exacerbate me beyond words.
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:

"You're too pretty to be so apologetic about yourself"

You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.

Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.

But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.

I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)

Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch.  xD ♥

much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P

-Jezz

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.

After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his  number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I  made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.
-Jezz

Score! - A perfect application of Master pimp's teachings

So after a night out with my brother Dude, and his best friend Cuban Hottie, some unexpected things happened. The guys told Jacob I was on a date with Cuban Hottie, and when Jacob called, he heard him. Yikes. I agreed to hanging out with Jacob and the Dominican crew to watch the 4th Star Wars movie, and Jacob offered to pick me up around 10-11 am.
Except I didn't get home until somewhere between 5 and 6 am... and passed out. Like all things in this complicated life of mine things got better from there.

Score! A perfect application of Master Pimp's teachings 

After the night out with Cuban Hottie and my brother, I got home and passed out. I slept ridiculously well. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and happy. And then I remembered I was supposed to be up early to meet Jacob.
I looked outside. I was WAY too bright to be 11 am.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of getting up and going to figure out where was my phone, I rolled over and fell asleep again for a while.
I woke up, and looked through my things. My phone died in my coat pocket.
I plugged in the charger and turned it on. I had 10 messages from Jacob, ranging from happy to pissed.
Needless to say, I was really amused by all of this, of course.
How could I not be? I was getting back in some way the dignity I lost in putting up with all the shenanigans I did before.

I read over the messages, and the last one was the one from which I got the most kick out of:
He said:

"If you changed your mind about hanging out with me, that's cool. You could've at least answered the phone and said something, instead of just turning it off on me so I get the voicemail"

Oh Damn.

I tried to stop my laughing and be serious, and I called Jacob, to which, at my slight surprise, he answered.

He asked what was going on, and I told him I overslept and my phone had died, since I forgot where Cuban Hottie had left it when he dropped me off home.

Jealous again, Jacob asks if he slept over, and I tell him he didn't, adding a slight hint of sadness to my voice.

I ask him if they're all watching the movie, to which he answers that they haven't and offers to pick me up, which I said would be cool.

I scramble out of bed, shower and throw on sweat pants and head out.

We head over to Pilot's house, who's got a girl over, whom we'll call Out-of-State-E because she lives in Arizona, or something like that.

We head to the basement and turn on the movie, and of course they sit on one couch and I have to sit on the other one with Jacob.

This time, in some sort of thoughtless moment, I just sit right next to him and grab a pillow and get cozy. He takes this as a cue to put his arm around me and I give him a look between puzzled and concerned, to which, he answers, "Oh so cause you went on a date I'm not allowed to do this anymore?"

I laughed of course and elbowed him, and just watched the movie.

The movie was ok. I kept falling asleep because I was completely exhausted from everything from the night before.

Jacob offers to take me out to grab lunch or something, and I tell him I'd rather not, because I have plans. He assumes I'm going out with Cuban Hottie again and I don't clarify.

I end up going home, and staying in the rest of the day, but I swear I was happier for it.

It's as though he's like some sort of bad indulgence, one which you pay the consequences for if you overindulge.

I do have to admit. It does feel good to have the upper hand.

-Catch y'all laters

Jezz ♥

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

My brother gave me "sound" dating advice, and stated that I needed to set Jacob Wannabe straight on who's the one in control round these parts. Or something like that. I'm not quite sure. In an attempt to cheer me up from my dating funk, he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend, whom we'll call Cuban Hottie, to a club for a night of fun... and then Jacob texted me. This gets interesting.

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

After work, the guys are waiting for me downstairs, and off we go. My brother even brought my favorite jeans and the new shoes I'm crazy about. I must've been that depressing. Damn.

So off we go to La Rumba, one of the few decent hispanic clubs from around. Cuban Hottie and my brother, whom I usually call Dude, were on a flirting streak and were surrounded by chicks all night. I was the cool one with a drink who looks smug. Or you can look at it like I did, I was the lame one with a drink bored beyond belief. Either way. Same Difference.

Cuban Hottie, whom, in all honesty, is about as smart as a puppy, had a broken leg. With a Cast. And he's at a club. Dancing. We're all talking, we have a couple shots, joke around. We decided to dance. These two guys were pretty much outnumbered by girls, but it was still fun to have them looking in every which direction. Eventually almost everyone goes off, and I'm left dancing with Cuban Hottie. My phone fell out of my pocket. I had a text message. From Jacob himself of course. He was asking me what I was up to and how my day was going. I'll admit that I did answer and said all was good, but then I gave Cuban Hottie my phone and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he left and I kept dancing with a few other guys.

Well... Cuban Hottie kept getting my messages, and Dude, brother that he is, decided to see who it was. Upon realizing it was Jacob himself, they took it upon themselves to start texting Jacob pretending to be me.
They manage to tell Jacob that I'm on a date with Cuban Hottie, and that I had a very very good mojito and that Cuban Hottie can dance better than anyone I've known. As some sort of "finishing touch" they added that he likes me a lot too, but I'm not trying to get serious or anything.

O.M.F'N.G.

The thing is, they didn't tell me at all.
I was still dancing away, laughing with my brother's friends and having a good time.
I get back to the table, and Cuban Hottie still has my phone, and we keep talking... and then my phone starts ringing, and he accidentally answers the call. He says it's Jacob and realized the call was on, as I'm saying Just ignore it, I don't wanna talk to him.
Oops.
Guess it was too late for that.

I went to the patio area in the club, and took the phone call.
Jacob asks me if the guy he heard was Cuban Hottie.
I asked him how he knew who I was with, to which he rather puzzled answered that I told him that on my texts.
I look at my phone, and go over my messages... and see what was done... and start laughing while Jacob is confused as hell.
He asks me who is this Cuban Hottie and where I met him, and slightly bragging, I tell him that he's my brother's best friend, and a regular at my house, so he sleeps over every once in a while.
Pretending to be worried, Jacob asks how much I've drunk already and how much has he, I tell him I only had a few mojitos, and explain how Cuban Hottie doenst drink much or often because he's diabetic.
Finally cutting to the point, Jacob invites me to go watch episode 4 of Star Wars with the dominican crew and I say ok. We agree to have him pick me up around 10-11am. At this point, Cuban Hottie comes to get me cause we're doing another round of shots and I'm the one that leads the crew.  I laughed and told Jacob I had to do cuz my date was waiting, to which he simply hung up.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I have to admit I was feeling pretty damn good after that, although I'm not sure if it had anything to do with making Jacob jealous or if it was purely due to my 2 mojitos and my 3 shots.
We eventually left the club, went to Rey's Tacos, another regular place for us, for the Sober-me-up after club food, and somewhere at the break of dawn, my guess is between 5 and 6 am, I got home.

I guess we can consider this a redeeming act in the fact that I'm steering away from my dates with Jacob, and I'm out and about again. However, doesn't the fact that I am relishing in making him jealous make it counter-productive?
I'm not sure. Whatever.

I swear my life is a crazy melodramatic novel. With sick plot twists.
I'll finish the rest of the story on the next one.

Catch y'all laters!

_jezz