Maybe I should just post this anyway?

So well,

I've been kinda MIA.

I'm back in class. HOORAY... not quite.
I'm taking business classes only :/ not too awesome.
But I mean, it's better than not, right?

I'm a quarter away from graduating with my associate's degree, and I have no fucking idea what I want to do. o_o
Completing my bachelors is the ONLY option, for sure
But at what? Graphic Design? Photography? Arts?
I was so sure of my choices a while back, but not quite so much anymore.
I've even gone so far as to question whether I want to take a completely different turn and go for Psychology (which was my original choice, way back when) or Marketing (which I've learned I enjoy plenty).
In the end... I know I'm sticking to arts though. It catches me every time.

In somewhat positive news... I have a new hard drive, after the catastrophic fail of my other one, I now have a bright yellow hard drive that makes me giggle every time I see it. Yellow was my favorite color as a kid, and even today, it makes me happy when I see yellow things :P
When my other hard drive crashed... it happened to be right after I had backed up ALL my older files: my school work, my pictures, my blog posts, my videos and movies, my music, my sheet music... EVERYTHANG.
I was able to go to the IT guy at my school and beg him to try to recover my files -which he did- and I'll be getting ALL -well most of it anyway- my stuff back tomorrow !!! major YAY! :D

I got a ticket about a month ago ... not cool. I "forgot" to mention to my mom... and it later turned out that, because my wonderful mother is on the insurance and I am under the age of 24, I HAVE to tell her and get her to show up to court. WTF!

Other than that, life has been pretty low key... uneventful even.
I'm not talking to Jacob Wannabe anymore, this time, even to my own surprise.
See, I figured out a few things about him.
Whenever we hang out, something BAD happens within the few days after.
Like effin clockwork. It's like Karma is punishing me for going back on my word and dealing with a person I have no business with, whatsoever.
However, even with that knowledge under my belt, I was still tempted to go hang out, and being treated like a princess even when I know the rest of the circumstances to this story. In which he is NO prince charming, I might add.
Now, this was something I learned the HARD way.
I REFUSE, with a passion, to be psychotic control freak maniac that must have everything done a certain way. Specially, in a relationship. Or whatever, cause this dramatic whatever was, most certainly not, a relationship.
You are grown, and you know what's right and what's wrong. You are responsible for your actions or lack-thereof. I'm not going to fuss and nag and be a bitch to get you to do what I want. I'll ask.
It's ENTIRELY up to you whether or not you decide to, and that's ok. You're your own person with your own mind and opinions and wants and needs.
However. In being this way, I was also letting Jacob basically get away with murder.I was letting him be his own person, and have his wants and need, even when it meant that in his quest to get whatever it was he wanted, he would mislead me and also mess with MY feelings.
SO.... I caved. I decided to do the one thing I know can drive a non-committed man insane in 2 seconds flat.
I started nagging and complaining, and then talking about my feelings.
Funny how it works like a fucking charm.
Whenever he would try to cross the line... I'd get all "Sensitive" and tell him he's "an asshole" and that "He hurts my feelings" and he's "breaking my heart" and then, for good measure, I'd add that he "doesn't love me or care for me" like he should.

and VOILA!
I was surprised how EASILY the change happened.
See, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different, considering we were pretty close.
But the truth is, that these are, indeed, the true colors of the man: He didn't give a fuck.
So, when it came down fight or flight... He flew.


and so, for good this time, the Jacob Wannabe Saga has ended.
It's been 3 months strong.
Hoooray for me.


anyhow my loves, I'm gone.
Gotta get some work done, lest I should be fired.

Mucho love



-Jezz ♥

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.

After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his  number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I  made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.
-Jezz

Oh the Stubborness and the Delight

I know, I know, I have not learned anything at all. But whatever. For now anyway.

I went to see Jacob Wannabe.

This was the 1st time I'd gone back to his apartment since.... I can remember...
I think last time I went to North Ave was around October? I think... Most definitely NOT past November.
Anyhow.

I went back, on a whim. I felt like it. I told him I was up for it.
I went over, we watched a movie, The Gods must be crazy, and then went to eat lunch at Moe's.

We went back to the apartment and watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds.
I'll admit to the fact that I hugged him. Ok, it was a little more. Originally, we sat side by side on his bed (let me just say that his dorm is ridiculously small, there isn't room for anything other than a bed, a desk, a chair and an armoire) and we were facing the TV (which is on the desk, if you must know). But then he threw my legs over his, and pulled me closer, and who the hell am I to refuse a little affection?
He showered me with kisses and hugs, telling me how much he missed me.
But all I kept thinking about was the fact that... he's is taken.
So why does he keep doing this? Hellbent on sabotage? I'm not sure.

I like the attention, but to be honest, I make him keep a distance, and I repeatedly threaten to elbow his face a couple times if he keep pushing for whatever he was trying to get at.
I felt tempted to lay my head on his chest like I used to do... Shit, I'll admit I miss it.
There are so many things about him that attract me at some sort of visceral, primitive, instinctual level, that it's like it just bypasses my conscious thoughts...
Anyhow.
We went to lunch at Moe's . His treat. We're talking about everything, how he missed our afternoons at his apartment watching movies, and how things could've been different if it weren't for BlackWhite guy, and the reasons why he and PB got back together... Eventually we shifted the topic to being Hispanic, and parents and my dad, and of course my pass out episodes. We briefly comment again on how fucked up our whatever it is IS, and he mentions that we should make a show with the drama we have going on with each other.
I told him I could actually write a novel based on it and he laughed.
We walked back to his apt, and watched Criminal Minds. I have to say that those must have been the 3 most messed up episodes I had seen up to date. Cuz Damn. DAYMN.

I was paying attention to the show... but he was kinda caught up in kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders.
I got pissed and told him that he's a jerk, and he backed off, suddenly worried about how I reacted.
I told him that... "You made your choices. I moved on. I'm moving on. The fact that I still cherish the fucked up friendship we share, does NOT give you the right to abuse my feelings mercilessly".
This seemed to make him think deeply. He did back off... but we were kinda cuddling at this point anyway, so he remained content with laying his head next to mine on my shoulder and his arms around me.
Even then, it was much further than I would have liked... but then again, I liked it anyway.
After the 3rd episode, I had to leave. I was set to go to a study session, and, to make sure I wasn't tempted to stay longer, I had set my alarm to buzz off at the time I HAD to leave.
The alarm went off, and I'm about to get off the bed, but he rolls me over to be lying face-up directly below him and he kisses me. Insanely passionately.
Like that day in the car in the middle of the night passionately.
And instead of melting like putty (which I normally would have), I got pissed and told him he is a selfish bastard and that he needs to stop acting like a moron.
He wasn't quite expecting that I guess.
I got up, and got my shoes and my jacket, and he fumbled and mumbled an apology. I didn't care for one. I'm not one to take empty apologies well, which he knows, and which eventually got him to shut up.
We left. He walked me to North Ave again, like he usually does.
We part with a big hug.... the one thing that gets me more attached than a kiss.
The scent lingers in my thoughts.
I catch the train. I sketch, I think, I write.
There is something so dysfunctional with the way we relate to each other... and it tears at me when I'm on my own. Only when he's not around and I'm not busy living the moment, making the most of it, trying to absorb it and make it a keepsake at once.
*sigh*

This complicated story is one that, I get the feeling, is only now really beginning to be woven. It's been almost a year since that first date at the restaurant in mid-town, where we ate and talked and talked and talked before heading over to watch a movie at his house.
This seems like a routine, his modus operandi... one that I got to know very very very well later on, specially during my afternoons at North Ave.
We have yet to finish watching paprika.

I don't know if we will.
I have the running joke that the next time we'll see each other is going to be 4th of July, when we're with the family at Centennial.... I wish I really had the certainty that THAT'S going to be the case, but who am I trying to fool here?
For whatever it's worth, at least I'm being consistent and making some progress. I think.

Anyhow, night Night y'all. I'm out for this one.

-Jezz

Score! - A perfect application of Master pimp's teachings

So after a night out with my brother Dude, and his best friend Cuban Hottie, some unexpected things happened. The guys told Jacob I was on a date with Cuban Hottie, and when Jacob called, he heard him. Yikes. I agreed to hanging out with Jacob and the Dominican crew to watch the 4th Star Wars movie, and Jacob offered to pick me up around 10-11 am.
Except I didn't get home until somewhere between 5 and 6 am... and passed out. Like all things in this complicated life of mine things got better from there.

Score! A perfect application of Master Pimp's teachings 

After the night out with Cuban Hottie and my brother, I got home and passed out. I slept ridiculously well. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and happy. And then I remembered I was supposed to be up early to meet Jacob.
I looked outside. I was WAY too bright to be 11 am.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of getting up and going to figure out where was my phone, I rolled over and fell asleep again for a while.
I woke up, and looked through my things. My phone died in my coat pocket.
I plugged in the charger and turned it on. I had 10 messages from Jacob, ranging from happy to pissed.
Needless to say, I was really amused by all of this, of course.
How could I not be? I was getting back in some way the dignity I lost in putting up with all the shenanigans I did before.

I read over the messages, and the last one was the one from which I got the most kick out of:
He said:

"If you changed your mind about hanging out with me, that's cool. You could've at least answered the phone and said something, instead of just turning it off on me so I get the voicemail"

Oh Damn.

I tried to stop my laughing and be serious, and I called Jacob, to which, at my slight surprise, he answered.

He asked what was going on, and I told him I overslept and my phone had died, since I forgot where Cuban Hottie had left it when he dropped me off home.

Jealous again, Jacob asks if he slept over, and I tell him he didn't, adding a slight hint of sadness to my voice.

I ask him if they're all watching the movie, to which he answers that they haven't and offers to pick me up, which I said would be cool.

I scramble out of bed, shower and throw on sweat pants and head out.

We head over to Pilot's house, who's got a girl over, whom we'll call Out-of-State-E because she lives in Arizona, or something like that.

We head to the basement and turn on the movie, and of course they sit on one couch and I have to sit on the other one with Jacob.

This time, in some sort of thoughtless moment, I just sit right next to him and grab a pillow and get cozy. He takes this as a cue to put his arm around me and I give him a look between puzzled and concerned, to which, he answers, "Oh so cause you went on a date I'm not allowed to do this anymore?"

I laughed of course and elbowed him, and just watched the movie.

The movie was ok. I kept falling asleep because I was completely exhausted from everything from the night before.

Jacob offers to take me out to grab lunch or something, and I tell him I'd rather not, because I have plans. He assumes I'm going out with Cuban Hottie again and I don't clarify.

I end up going home, and staying in the rest of the day, but I swear I was happier for it.

It's as though he's like some sort of bad indulgence, one which you pay the consequences for if you overindulge.

I do have to admit. It does feel good to have the upper hand.

-Catch y'all laters

Jezz ♥

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

My brother gave me "sound" dating advice, and stated that I needed to set Jacob Wannabe straight on who's the one in control round these parts. Or something like that. I'm not quite sure. In an attempt to cheer me up from my dating funk, he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend, whom we'll call Cuban Hottie, to a club for a night of fun... and then Jacob texted me. This gets interesting.

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

After work, the guys are waiting for me downstairs, and off we go. My brother even brought my favorite jeans and the new shoes I'm crazy about. I must've been that depressing. Damn.

So off we go to La Rumba, one of the few decent hispanic clubs from around. Cuban Hottie and my brother, whom I usually call Dude, were on a flirting streak and were surrounded by chicks all night. I was the cool one with a drink who looks smug. Or you can look at it like I did, I was the lame one with a drink bored beyond belief. Either way. Same Difference.

Cuban Hottie, whom, in all honesty, is about as smart as a puppy, had a broken leg. With a Cast. And he's at a club. Dancing. We're all talking, we have a couple shots, joke around. We decided to dance. These two guys were pretty much outnumbered by girls, but it was still fun to have them looking in every which direction. Eventually almost everyone goes off, and I'm left dancing with Cuban Hottie. My phone fell out of my pocket. I had a text message. From Jacob himself of course. He was asking me what I was up to and how my day was going. I'll admit that I did answer and said all was good, but then I gave Cuban Hottie my phone and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he left and I kept dancing with a few other guys.

Well... Cuban Hottie kept getting my messages, and Dude, brother that he is, decided to see who it was. Upon realizing it was Jacob himself, they took it upon themselves to start texting Jacob pretending to be me.
They manage to tell Jacob that I'm on a date with Cuban Hottie, and that I had a very very good mojito and that Cuban Hottie can dance better than anyone I've known. As some sort of "finishing touch" they added that he likes me a lot too, but I'm not trying to get serious or anything.

O.M.F'N.G.

The thing is, they didn't tell me at all.
I was still dancing away, laughing with my brother's friends and having a good time.
I get back to the table, and Cuban Hottie still has my phone, and we keep talking... and then my phone starts ringing, and he accidentally answers the call. He says it's Jacob and realized the call was on, as I'm saying Just ignore it, I don't wanna talk to him.
Oops.
Guess it was too late for that.

I went to the patio area in the club, and took the phone call.
Jacob asks me if the guy he heard was Cuban Hottie.
I asked him how he knew who I was with, to which he rather puzzled answered that I told him that on my texts.
I look at my phone, and go over my messages... and see what was done... and start laughing while Jacob is confused as hell.
He asks me who is this Cuban Hottie and where I met him, and slightly bragging, I tell him that he's my brother's best friend, and a regular at my house, so he sleeps over every once in a while.
Pretending to be worried, Jacob asks how much I've drunk already and how much has he, I tell him I only had a few mojitos, and explain how Cuban Hottie doenst drink much or often because he's diabetic.
Finally cutting to the point, Jacob invites me to go watch episode 4 of Star Wars with the dominican crew and I say ok. We agree to have him pick me up around 10-11am. At this point, Cuban Hottie comes to get me cause we're doing another round of shots and I'm the one that leads the crew.  I laughed and told Jacob I had to do cuz my date was waiting, to which he simply hung up.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I have to admit I was feeling pretty damn good after that, although I'm not sure if it had anything to do with making Jacob jealous or if it was purely due to my 2 mojitos and my 3 shots.
We eventually left the club, went to Rey's Tacos, another regular place for us, for the Sober-me-up after club food, and somewhere at the break of dawn, my guess is between 5 and 6 am, I got home.

I guess we can consider this a redeeming act in the fact that I'm steering away from my dates with Jacob, and I'm out and about again. However, doesn't the fact that I am relishing in making him jealous make it counter-productive?
I'm not sure. Whatever.

I swear my life is a crazy melodramatic novel. With sick plot twists.
I'll finish the rest of the story on the next one.

Catch y'all laters!

_jezz

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
And....
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

• He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
• Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
• Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
• Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
• Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
• Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
• Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.

So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.

LOL.

I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?

I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!

-Laters

Jezz

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now. 

In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.

He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.

-Funny side note-

In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.

During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.

Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.

>_<

There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.

We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.

Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie. 

Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.

I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep. 

I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.

I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.

We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.

As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all...  I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?

Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.

We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.

Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.

All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and  embarrassed and remorseful.

Go fucking figure.

Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle. 

This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.

Yes, I texted back.

I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.

It might help.

Laters

-Jezz

Part IV: I dont have a name for this one- Yep it's that bad

On my last phone call from Jacob Wannabe, he mentioned the dominican crew watching Avatar and also having a Star Wars marathon, with a date to be determined.
So after my self-proclaimed triumph over PB & Jacob Wannabe on the New Year's Eve party, I was feeling... relieved but... not quite... I don't know what to call it... Suffice it to say that; although I technically had closed off the Jacob Wannabe chapter with the ending year while I was still on top of the game, I was still feeling to much to say I was over it. And of course, bad habits die hard, so....

Part IV: Untitled

My last conversation with Jacob Wannabe was somewhere between Secret Santa and New Year's eve.

At the New Year's eve I felt his eyes linger a bit too long on me, even though he was with PB.

After my minor moment of glory when I finally saw PB face to face for the first time, instead of thinking about the situation less... I thought about it more. So in an effort to start the new year with a better purpose and commitment, I threw myself into sketching, and sketching and sketching and sketching some more. My insomnia came back in full bloom and I was up again past 5 am, until I literally wore myself to exhaustion and would fall asleep, pencil in hand. Not the best way to start the year, but I'm good friends with Denial, and we got along pretty well. At least I can say I got something productive out of it by building up my portfolio.

So there I was on a Saturday morning, unsuspecting and engaged in deep concentration to avoid thinking too much, and Jacob Wannabe calls.

The Star Wars marathon is happening at Pilot's house, and he's offering to pick me up and take me home. I agree, but to make things a little more difficult for me to get into a compromising situation, I said my lil bro, Chino, had to come with me, and I had to swing by my mom's job and drop off something. He agreed, so we the plans were set.

Me and Chino head out, and we make the quick stop at my mom's job. Although I told him to park, Jacob decided to  wait for me right at the door, where my mom stood and of course, went into questions of why on earth I was riding with him, and like any great hispanic mother, gave him the evil eye. She made it so much of a point that, when I got back in the car, Jacob mentioned how he knows that look from his mom's eye and knows he is not welcome at my house any time soon. Shit. At least he's clear about it, right?

We get to Pilot's house and hang out for a bit, but then head out on a popcorn run that took forever.

After we get back, my brother, instead of watching Star Wars with us, has decided to go play PS3. Pilot takes the recliner. Movie & Pilot's dad take the love seat. Jacob and I are left looking at each other and I just head for the big sofa and sit on one end, while he sits at the other end.

By male consensus, they decide to turn on the fans, even though we're at the lowest temperature we've had all season, but hey, I was outnumbered and decided to tough up. But who was I kidding?  I have cold feet, both literally and figuratively. I was raised in the Caribbean, with warm weather year-round. I'm not made for cold. However, in a fuss, I grabbed a throw and snuggled up.

In light of the fact that I'm sitting in the same sofa as Jacob, I build a wall with the cushions in the middle of it, just to make a point. My point was short lived though, because he had the big bowl of popcorn  and the ice and I had the cheezeits and the soda. Crap. Oh well. I tried.

We started watching the first movie, and we were both texting during it. Not each other! just texting people. I, for one, was texting my cousins, and if I know anything about Jacob, I can bet he was texting PB. *sigh*

Since I had never seen any of the Star Wars movies, Jacob kept making comments about the movie and the plot. The problem with this is that we were too far for me to hear him and I was bent on sitting as far as possible, so every time he said something I had to lean towards him and grab his arm to pull myself closer and be able to listen. I didn't mind too much, as long as I went back to my little corner and curled up.

The second movie comes up, and by this point, I've curled up into a ball in hopes of preserving my body heat and to make myself stop shivering. Jacob, in turn, has decided to look for every single possible reason to find something to say to me, making me grab his arm constantly and lean in. Now at first he had some legit things to say, but after he ran out of spoilers to tell me about the plot, he just started asking me dumb questions like "Are you cold?"(I was still shivering, so clearly I was, even when I denied it),  "Are you thirsty?" (I had the soda next to me), "Are you hungry?" (I had a box of cheezits on my lap), and my personal favorite "Are you okay??". YES JACOB I am MF OKAY with your happy ass sitting close and trying to make conversation like all of last fall and winter did not happen and you didn't decided to stop dating me and bring your ex to the family's New Year's eve party. I am PERFECTLY FIIINE.

Somwhere along the second movie, my mom starts freaking out and wants me home. Because I know that this is all due to Jacob being there, I decide to be a nuisance and tell her she has to pick me up, fully knowing that because Pilot's mom is one of her closest friends, I'll stay longer. HAHA.

We finish the second movie, and Pilot's asking for a rockband break before the third one. I'm game, and we resume our regular positions: I do the vocals, Jacob is on bass and Pilot's on drums. Things should not be this easy.

My mom throws a fit and has me get ready to leave because, well, she said so, treating me like a pre-teen. I fully live up to the role, and at 21, manage to throw a fit worthy of a 13 year old who has suddenly lost cell phone privileges, and manage to get to her to let me stay.

Cause see, even though I wasn't talking to Jacob much, even though we were not on good terms, and even though we're just watching a movie with everyone there... He was there and that made the difference, as much as I hated to admit it to myself.

So back to Rockband it is.... but then my mom's car was frozen up... and wouldn't start. Pilot, who reminds me of the better memories I have of my dad, goes to help her out and checks the car, and pulls it into his driveway. He offers to fix it, but says it has to be in the morning cuz, well, it's freezing.

He did offer my mom a ride home, and at this point, I have to head home. Shit. Not cool.

Pilot and I ride on the front seat while Chino, mom and yeah, you guessed it, Jacob ride in the back. And for moments like this, I love, admire and hate my mom all at once. We start driving off and the first question out of my mom's mouth is "So how are the girlfriends doing, guys?" Jacob stammers, Pilot turns on music and I laugh because I see how much I am like my mom, pushing on the awkward subject for the sake of amusement. We talk about the car, and before I know it, we're home. So off to home I go. Like a good kid.

Except I'm not that much of a good kid.

Pilot and Jacob leave, and at home I snuggle up in pj's and go back to my hard labor of sketching. Except that I can't quite focus because, well, I just can't. In an effort to get my life together and get some rest, I take some over-the-counter sleeping pills, and against my better judgment, decide to text Jacob.

When he leaves Pilot's house, about 20 minutes later, he calls. Of course, my happy ass was half asleep, but I still answered. We talk a bit and he laughs at my teenage like anger. We crack a couple jokes from the night, and he mentions how he's right around the block from my house and offers to stop by, and well... I said, sure, why not, without really thinking through the consequences. Both of us surprised at the answer, he says he'll be there in a minute and we hang up. Only then I come to realize, it's 2:30am, and I'm in pjs and look like Frankenstein's bride, and shit, he's already here.

I say fuck it, grab a jacket and bed booties and downstairs I go, to meet with the enemy and forbidden fruit.

And the thing is, that even if I had tried to predict how the night would pan out, I would've been soo far off it's not even funny. It's just sad.

Nothing I could have said to myself would have prepared me for what came.

to be continued...

Wait for the next episode in which I go back on new year resolutions on the 2nd day of the year and dig a hole too deep to get out of...

Part III: Looked over, not overlooked [The face to face encounter]

Well damn. In the last part of the story, I explained how Pilot and I were kinda caught in a compromising situation... and then forgot it ever happened.
After an unexpected call from Jacob Wannabe, the bickering is set aside and the search for the perfect red dress failed. However, that wouldn't deter me from my mission of looking like a million bucks at the NYE party and makin' ma momma proud of the genes she passed on.

Part III: Looked over, but not overlooked

After I had finally given up on my quest to convince my boss to let me leave early on New Year's eve.... I find out, I have pending Paid Time Off, that does NOT roll into the new year.

So I gotta just lose my hard worked paid time off?! Oh HELL no.

I throw a minor tantrum and rant about how I've been forced to work EVERY holiday this year and I have not complained, and how the company was not acting ethically by having the same people working on holidays when clearly, the same people were getting all the holidays off.

So, my PTO was used so I could leave early. Granted, they spread out the hours over 3 different day, but I was leaving early enough to get there before 12 so I didn't mind too much honestly.

The day comes around. I get to work with my after-work kit: dress, heels, necklace and make up, which mainly consisted of black mascara and red lipstick.

10:30 rolls around and I rush out to change and look like a million bucks, or as close as I can get in a bathroom stall at work. And SHIT. It worked alright. At this point, I didn't really know if the red lipstick would look good with everything else.... but once I had it on... Kaboom.

I had my own little Bow-chicka-bow-wow moment in the bathroom when I realized that, despite lacking the red dress, I had the badass bitch look on me and I was ready to rock it.

Make that boy regret his decisions was at the top of my list of final achievements for 2009.

I had worn my trench coat to work that day, which proved to be a good idea, since the black dress rather short and I kinda wanted to have a BANG moment when I decided to take off the coat.

I got there, but everyone was downstairs at that point, so no major coat moment.

I head down and... everyone is there... My heart starts skipping beats and my hands are shaking and my knees are weak... I mean.... I thought I could do this, but I start realizing there are some flaws in my plan. For one, everyone there has a date, and I'm the only one who's gonna be painstakingly single there... and as much as I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, I was there by myself. An accomplice in my plan would have at least spared me the awkward moment in which I had to stand on my own cuz everyone else was making out with their respective date, if anything, by making conversation with me and providing comedic relief. But no. Here I was on my own at the verge of a stairway to hell and feeling my self-assurance plummet deeply and quickly. This was not good.

What kicked me out of my funk was...

...a gorilla suit.

Pilot's younger brother, whom we'll call Movie, had dressed up in a gorilla suit and danced around to a techno beat. As I was staring down at those damn stairs, he ran up, and, right by the door frame decided to hump my leg.

Yes. This is real life. I was relieved from a panic attack by a guy who humped my leg in a gorilla suit. Go friggin figure.

I get to the bottom of the stairs and just walk into the party, hoping that I don't have one of my fainting episodes and ruin the grand entrance, and well, fuck up my moment.

And there they were. First thing I saw in the room. Jacob and PB and everyone else.

You know how you can feel someone's eyes on you? Looking at you? I felt it alright.

She stared. He did a double take and then a look over. I looked at them both in the eye... and then laughed.

Because I'm a brave little solider, I battled on, and went straight to the back of the room in search for some liquid courage in the from of alcohol... but there was none. Water was the only other option at this point. As much as I had enjoyed the entrance, there was still the rest of the party to deal with and my hands were still shaking.

But on I went, and said hello to everyone, starting by the person next to Jacob and "failing to notice" that they were there.

I walked around a bit, got a lot of compliments and managed to ease my nerves a bit and just loosen up. I talked to some of my friends, danced a little, got ready for the ball dropping (we see it on the projector screen every year), and pretended to be cool by leaving the room every time I got a call, which happened 3 times.

I'll admit that I was watching to see if he was looking and his eye caught mine a couple times to which I just looked away.

I got my drink for the new years toast, huddled with my brother and braced myself for the arrival, but my brother scurried away when the countdown began and I stood there, unfortunately, behind the evil two on my own.

Except that, like all magical moments in life, in the last 10 seconds, my grandparents arrived and I was caught by the New Year hugging my gramps and feeling overjoyed.

Well damn.

That wasn't so bad after all. Sure as hell beat nagging my brother to kiss my cheek. lol.

We sing happy birthday for my brother, and who woudda thunk it, Jacob's mom, both of whose birthdays are January1st.

After that I left the room. I got a bunch of text messages at once and of course, I had a couple calls coming through.

By the time I came back downstairs, they had both left.

After that, my night was just fun. Danced a little. Laughed a lot. Ate like crazy. Chilled with the dominican crew. Talked with a couple friends. Made a few new ones.

But, that split second double take still lingered in my mind.

I was most certainly not over looked that night.

Don't miss the next part of the story, in which I explain The Star Wars movie night and hope that Ally doesn't want to kill me.

Catch y'all laterz

-Jezz

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

After an intense night of bickering with Jacob Wannabe, Pilot intervened and cut off the drama. Little did I expect what he had in store. After the Secret Santa party, I agreed to stay later with the guys and watch a movie. Pilot started to explain why he butted into the conversation, and ended up coming clean about a crush.

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

So damn.

Pilot has a crush on me?

[How middle school does that sound?]

After a brief minute of awkward silence in which I'm -as usual- dumbstruck in confusion, he kissed me.

*Please note the wording here.*

And crap... he was a better kisser than I would've though too.

So after another slightly awkward silence, we're in a compromising situation where I'm thinking: There is something SO WRONG in this mess, and he's thinking "I feel like I'm betraying Jacob" and well... there's no undo button in real life.

Well fuck.

Uhm... so yeah. About that.

We keep talking and agree that this is just... uhm... the twilight zone and well... I can't remember anything.

So yeah. The end.

I guess.

The next day, Jacob calls.

To my own surprise, he apologized for the Secret Santa. Uhm... okaaay...

He goes on to mention he really liked his Secret Santa present, and said that it was a size too small. He asked for a gift receipt to which I answered that I put in the bag, and *aw shucks* he must've lost it [haha]. He asks where I bought it, to which I assure him that it must've been Ross, even though I knew it was Target.

So, he goes on to mention that the dominican crew is watching Avatar soon at a 3-D theatre and also having a Star Wars marathon and invited me to come along to both. I said it would be cool hanging out with the guys before the quarter started again Monday, and told him to let me know.

I mean, everyone's going, so it shouldn't be too bad right? Besides, I've been cooped up home all winter break depressed about everything and sketching like a possessed artist in the verge of insanity.

SO at this point, there's another problem boiling over: The red dress.

I had agreed, after being threaten to death by fashion students, to wear a red dress to the NYE party [to which Jacob Wannabe decided he was taking PB as his date] and look like a million bucks... except... well, all the red dresses in the state of GA had disappeared into a big black hole and no-one could find them. I went to 5 malls in search of the damn thing and NADA! no one red dress that did not say "old" or "tacky" on it.

I was forced to make a back up plan in which... well, I wore a black dress.

So black dress shopping I went. And I found one... oh yeah I did.

I found a black dress and then I found a gold necklace and then I found gold shoes and... it was a wrap.

When I tried that black dress... I kid you not... I knew it was the one. The fit was perfect. It even made my butt look big lol. SO yeah. It was pretty much a wrap.

The final issue was work. I work a late shift, so I'm usually in past midnight. The problem ensued that I didn't want to be at work past midnight on NYE. Well duh.

After a month's work of insistence and reluctance, I finally resigned myself with the fact that I wouldn't be able to get there before 12 cuz of work.

Oh well. *sigh*

to be continued...

Part I: The Secret Santa Debacle [aka Coming Clean: The Great Revelation]

SO in the last post I skipped from Episode II in star wars to a drastic change of emotion on JWB.
yeah about that...
It was past 6 am and I had no common sense.
Or I can blame it on Never mind, that part came after.
So here ye, hear ye. 
In this post I go back to the beginning, sort of, and start to explain the holiday season drama. The finale is yet to come, although you guys kinda already had a preview anyway. 

Part I: The Secret Santa debacle

My last explanatory post was me being pissed about the Secret Santa draw, in which, out of 17 people, I get the ONE person I'm avoiding like a plague. Let's pick it up from here.

I avoided the though of the secret santa completely, in hopes that it would somehow, magically change the outcome of my draw and I wouldn't have to get the guy a present.
Haha.
Didn't work.
The day of the Secret Santa, I'm at Target trying to figure out the most classiest, discreet fuck off present I could find. I had to keep it clean though, the family was going to be there for the opening of the presents.
So...
I bought him a tshirt I knew for a fact he would really like.
In a size too small
and didn't add a gift receipt.
HAHA. Take that MF~!

I get back home and get dressed. Looking rocker chick cool with pumps so high that the heel could stab someone easily, I was put together without trying too hard.
Pilot picks me up, we hang out at his house before everyone gets there.
Jacob calls me and offers to come pick me up at my house, but I totally diss him off cuz I already made my own plans and I'm cool like that.
Guests arrive. We're all there. Rockband comes on, and we're back at the usual spots: Pilot does drums, Jacob does bass, I do vocals and everyone else rotates on guitar.
Jacob sits next to me and we talk, sort of, with sarcastic, bitter comments flying back and forth and me trying to keep face and hold my own as Jacob is bent in causing as much damage with his words as I could imagine. I felt like I was being torn apart bit by bit.
Pilot eventually stepped in the conversation and cut it off cuz well, it was getting outta hand and it was kinda obvious I wasn't too happy about it either...
The Karaoke comes on and then I'm stuck singing "I will survive" in front of everyone and well, shit, I got into it and managed to sneak a dirty look or two at the MF... I mean, might as well, right?
Anyhow, we gather to open presents. Pilot's mom has said that We have to describe the person we're giving the present to, and say something nice about him/her. [Moments like this make me realize God has a fucked up sense of humor].
Pilot was my Secret Santa, and gave me a pj set and fuzzy blue slippers.
This may seem rather random, but it was actually an invitation to stay for the whole party spend the night over with the rest of the fam on new year's eve/new year's day.
I get up, and start off that the person I'm secret santa is ... dominican. (like everyone else is)... and a guy... goes to college.. and ... can you tell I was pretty much struggling for words?I eventually give up on the pretense and just say he like martial arts and engineering and it's Jacob.
I hand him the present and well, just avoid looking at him at all costs.
He shows off the tshirt and says he likes it, and well the end. We stuck around til it ended.
Jacob decided to leave and Pilot walked him out n they talked for a bit.
I was just happy it was over with.
We go back to Karaoke. My mom is hanging out and chilling, me and Pilot get into the  karaoke, get in a couple of songs and dance and sing and laugh and had a good time.
Everyone starts leaving and my mom was heading out too... I was about to head out when Pilot suggests I stay a while longer and he'll take me home. I say cool, and we watch Ferris Bueller's day off.
The thing is that... somewhere along the line... he decided to explain why he cut off the conversation earlier between me and Jacob and well, comes clean and says that he has a crush on me.
O_O WHAAAAAAT?!

to be continued....

Fuck good music, cold weather and sleeping pills. God has a fucked up sense of humor.

well fuck any new years resolutions I might have made...

I think I don't learn a lesson.. under no circumstances....

Shit...

I agreed to go watch star wars with JWB and Pilot
I had to bring my little bro
After a million in one issues, we finally watch Episode  I
My mom goes crazy paranoid and wants me back home asap
she comes to pick me up, but stays talking to Pilot's mom while I'm at the basement with the guys watching Episode II....
and....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This post is now being interrupted for the following is a Public Service Announcement.

 The part of my post that was originally here, was removed due to being a spoiler of the latest shenanigans I've been up to involving Jacob Wannabe.
So I removed it and now you have to wait til I story in chronological, sequential order.
Sue me. ☺
But since I'm sorta kinda cool, I'll let you guys keep the ending though :P
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that this doesn't change anything...
but fuckkk....
God has a sense of humor and irony that is not beyond me right now....
cause seriously...
Shit...
I need to get some sleep.

WTF!!! part 2- Behind every bitch there was once a nice girl who got screwed over

I don't even know where to begin this one...
To add insult to injury, the dude (Jacob wannabe) called me last night....
and I feel like an idiot for answering even though I knew better... even though I was with the girls and after the whole Secret Santa fiasco I was still pretty pissed, but I mean.... shiit... I still answered the phone and I feel like an idiot for it.

This is going to be a completely honest post.

Jacob Wannabe called from his home phone.
I answered. We started talking. He basically tells me how much he likes talking to me because I listen and don't judge... uhm... ok... (was he trying to convince himself or something?)
anyhow... he keeps rambling and rambling and eventually gets to the point.
He's calling to let me know he's very likely to go back to being "officially" back together with PB.... uhm... so... wow...
and this dude has the NERVE!! to tell me how even though alot of BS has passed, he still thinks I'm one of his closest friends, and keeps telling me how he never meant to let this happen and how I'm an amazing person....
can someone please explain to me how you diss someone while complimenting them? Cuz that's exactly what happened.
Long story short, this was the punchline:
-I'm sorry this happened
-I really like you
-You're an amazing person
-You're one of my closest friends
-I have alot of growing up to do
-I want to remain close friends because in the future I will most likely want a relationship with you
-I'm really childish and immature
-I really hope we can still be close because I can really talk to you openly
-I was scared shitless of this conversation, and I finally got the balls to tell you
-I want to think that you'll be willing to give me a chance again somewhere down the line
-PB will most likely officially be my date for the NYE party.

At this point, I'll admit that I was above everything offended... and pissed off...
so...
I got drunk.
REALLY drunk.
So much so that I was happy and pissed at the same time, while lying on the floor in Betty's room and  looking at the glow in the dark stars on her roof and thinking I was outside and debating on my plan of action if it started to rain.
so yeeeahh... uhm... I don't know what else to say to that...
Ooh and I forgot to mention, he asked me about the Secret Santa. and asked who I got... and also asked if it was him.
ha.
fuck meee.
I went on a rant about how ridiculous that would be and why on earth if this was a random draw with 18 people in it (including myself) I would get him.... lol. so yeah.. about that...

At this point, I HAVE to wear a friggin red dress... and now I need to come up with a date for the NYE party... and shit... Babes is out of town until the 12th of January... and who the hell would I beg to pretend to date me for the sake of appearances on NYE??? Maybe on any other day... but damn, NYE?!

so yeah...
talk about ending the year (and hopefully the whole story) with a bang... shiiit...

I have the headache from hell and I need to go get ready for work now.
Needless to say, I'm not the nicest one from the bunch today...
or for the rest of the year for that matter....
Cuz behind every heartless bitch, lies a nice girl that got screwed over by a jerk.
*sigh*

Catch y'all laters guys.

-Jezz

WTF!!!!

This is my official rant. Consider yourself forewarned, so deal with it.
**PS... pardon the language.


WTF!

My mom's best friend, a close family friend, is hosting a Secret Santa...
17 people, of the youngsters...
We're doing it by numbers.
I pick number 13.
 WHY THE FUCK!!!! have I gotten MF"N!! JACOB WANNABE!!!!

I mean, this totally a luck of the draw, random and shit...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
THIS IS NOT COOL.


I've managed to keep everything at bay and kept my distance from the guy and everything... and I get THIS?!

Not to mention the fact that I still have to deal with New Years eve...
Oh wait right, I havent posted THAT story yet.

SO remember PWB?
Yeahh... uhm...
My grandparents are in town.
So it's pretty much a given that I have to show up with the rest of the fam to the NYE party...
When this came to light, about a month ago, I threatened Jacob Wannabe that I was going and I didn't even want to remotely consider the whole birthday fiasco reoccurring again.
A few weeks later... he tells me PWB IS coming to the family NYE party.
OOOOH FUCK.
This is gonna get awkward.
so, at this point we're both forewarned and we're on somewhat amicable terms, for the sake of sanity.
My friends, most of them fashion design students, come up with an elaborate scheme in which I wear a red dress to the NYE party and look like a million bucks and basically show off that I'm in control of da binniz and give off a bad ass bitch attitude... but the problem is... I don't usually wear red, and truth be told, I'm not a badass bitch, I'm a nice person....
so I tell my mom the happenings... you know, gotta keep her somewhat informed of what's going on... and she concurrs with my friends and also insists that I wear a smokin red dress... so I guess red it's gonna have to be! well damn...

and NOW THIS?!!?!

this is some BS.

Now, I mean, seriously... what are the effin odds.. I was like one of the first few people to pick my secret Santa recipient... I mean c'mon... this is just fucked up on a bunch of levels...
but hey.. at least I know what he likes, right???

too pissed to keep blogging..
ttyl laters
[>_<']

-Jezz

ThanksGiving!

Dearest all!!!
Why Helllooo!!!
Sooo, it's thanksgiving and although I'm working, I can still manage to find a couple things to day, right
I know. I should be with the family n stuff... it really was not my choice, but hey, holiday pay works, right? Yeahh... about that...
Anyhow...
I want to mention the things that I AM really TRULY grateful for:

• My mom- who, despite everything (and there has been plenty) has managed to keep moving forward and keeping a soulful spirit
• My chinese boy- whom has helped me see the challenges of parenting (even though he's my youngest brother)
• Dude, my middle brother. Who has helped me realize exactly what I DON'T like in men, and how our family is affected by the changes we've gone through
• My family -because the world is meaningless without people to share your life with
• My job- because even when I feel as though I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to see the sunlight- it has kept my family fed and bills paid
• Cooco Sooz and Babes- because they help me remember that life is not as serious as I unwittingly wrap myself into. Because through thick & thin, they have managed to make me find humor in everything. Because they decided to move across state lines to support my crazy self & be HERE
• for food. Cuz I'm a fatass and I eat like well, a fatass. So hey.
  Oh and the Good genes cuz they keep me looking good despite my fatass appetite
• Cell phones cuz we get to reach out to anyone, virtually anywhere; making the world smaller and larger at the same time
• Anything with chocolate, because it calms me when I'm about to have a meltdown
• Dreams & vision.
  because they help us transcend who we are and where we came from and empower us to reach for higher standards, deeper values, and help us realize the potential inside each and everyone of us.

Although I didn't get to hang out with the fam and eat consistently all day long, My mom brought me food :) and Jacobwannabe brought me food and hung out with me during my lunch break :D
And I'm going black friday shopping after i gets outta here :P

<3 much love y'all

-Jezz

Maybe GA is too small for my social circle...

.... or maybe I need to dye my hair a different shade now that I'm officially avoiding Jacob Wannabe once again
.... or maybe I need to stop hanging out with my bestie, who at 6'1 tall  (yes, barefoot!) is becoming a landmark to find me when I'm out.


So, remember the New Moon Premiere I was so happy about??
Yeah, about that...

Jacob Wannabe was there. With PB.
Que decirte!

He mentioned, in passing, that he was going to see the premiere, and I mentioned I was going too.
Before I get into any further detail, let me just say:
Jacob wannabe lives about an hour away from my side of town.
He goes to school about 1/2 away from where I go to school, which is also in my side of town.
PB goes to school 4 hours away from where I live.

So, that said; Can someone PLEASE explain to me WTF this dude and this chick were at THE SAME THEATER I went to?!?!?!
This is still rather baffling to me.
I spotted him in the line to get into the movie (which, I might add, went around the plaza where I went to see the movie) & I saw him again in the vending line, while waiting to get some popcorn.
My friends printed their tickets all together, and all had auditorium 7 on them... I printed mine at work, and it had auditorium 8 on it. We didn't think too much of it cuz, hell, it's the same movie in all the damn auditoriums anyway.
So my mind keeps wondering if I really did see him or not, or wtf, and we finally are able to enter the auditoriums to watch the movie, but hey, I can't sit with my friends cuz I have to go to 8, not 7; cuz 7 is sold out, even though there are over 50 empty seats in it.
I went to the box office with Babes, and we were told the same.... but I wasn't having none of that. Babes offered to swap his ticket at the box office in order for us to sit in 8; but that wasn't going to satisfy me either... so... Babes went in, took out CoccoSooz's ticket, and gave it to me, and I was in. Yayyyy!!
The movie was pretty awesome :) Not better than the book, but then again, when does that ever happen anyway?
I was, of course, going for Team Jacob :P even when I know Edward is the real thing. Taylor Lautner is well, delicious looking... to the point where my mom agrees with me on that (lol yeah, imagine THAT conversation); and Babes was rather resented cuz I like Taylor Lautner (the dude that plays Jacob) and he was a very obvious resemblance to Jacob wannabe (hence the name); but whatever.
I went home, all good, night's over yadda yadda yadda, I hit the bed, night night y'all.

Next day, I get a text from Jacob wannabe himself, telling me we were at the same theater and he saw me a couple times. I asked how he could be sure it was me... and he said he saw me with Soozi. Dammit (this is why I say she's becoming a landmark).
I asked why he didn't bother to come and say hi, and he explained that he was with PB. ( SO I WASN'T CRAZY AFTER ALL!) and that he didn't want her to get all upset and well, psycho.
I was a little curious... so I asked him what auditorium he was in.... he said 8, and that there was barely15-20 people in that one.
WELL DAMN!
I'll admit I spent about an hour laughing at the fact that my minor tantrum with Babes spared me a looong dramatic encounter with the evil creature that PB is.... Jesus works in magical, mysterious ways.
Anyhow y'all....
In sum, the movie was good, the ending was expected (if you've read the books anyway) but good nonetheless and I had fun; all of which is what really matters.

Til the next one folks
-Jezz

All in a moment's notice

This is a mental note. This is an archive. This is a reminder, a "saving the date for future reference" post. This is me keeping a time-line of the story behind the scenes. This is me being a pessimist and mentally preparing myself for the backlash of the whip.


Monday night was not supposed to be like this.
I was not supposed to let you hold my hand, nor give me a hug like you and I were not just mere acquaintances, or at most friends; a hug that gave me inappropriate mental images and left my head whirling.
I was not supposed to talk to you for hours on end like nothing as ever happened and we are two people simply getting to know each other.

But I did.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened. I don't know if it was something you said, or if it was something you did. I don't know what the hell it was, but it got me good.

I'm starting to let my guard down with you.
Looking back, last night, I did things I'd never done in the 5 months I've known you. I let myself stop freaking out about the meaning and implications and situations and just really enjoyed the moment.
I laid my head on your lap, and looked up at you. We talked for a bit. I took your hand and placed it on my cheek, so you would touch my face. You traced your fingers lightly, almost tenderly, and I felt joy. We talked, I laughed and forgot about the boundaries and consequences, I stopped the screaming voices in my head and just relished the moment.
I even reached up for a kiss, which you landed on the tip of my nose with a smile. For a split second, it crossed my mind that the moment I was relishing in was not with the person I have those kind of moments with, Babes. It was with you, Jacob wannabe.
That night... It was rather memorable to me...
but you... you drove home and disappeared away into the night, into reality, into life and I crash land into the world off of cloud 9 wondering when I'm going to feel the sting after the burn and if I'll be able to handle it with grace. I hope so.
Until then, I'll just hang on to that moment, that little trace of what could be but will not.

What had happened was....

I swear it wasn't my fault!

Ok, well, kinda.
Y'all already know where this post is going.
I did... again.
Well, actually, not kinda.
So what, yeah, I hung out with Jacob wannabe again.
Let me make it clear that this was on a Friendship-only basis, and there was no date-ish crap involved. Ok maybe a little. He bought me a milkshake and paid for my entrance to the movie. The END.
Anyhow, all in all it went pretty well. Rather insightful day it was.

In light that we haven't really hung out recently, we were just catching up, talking both amongst ourselves and with our friends, Blackwhite guy and American Kate Winslett; who were house sitting for some of their friends.
Jacob wannabe's been rather caught up in his own drama, to which, after lending an ear for him to vent some frustration, I'll limit myself to saying is rather fukttup, and with which I have maintained myself as far as possible. I sure as hell don't wanna be there when shit hits the fan cause it ain't going to be pretty.

On the other hand, I can tell you that I figured out that I like my dogs the way I like my men. lmao. This came to light because where we were there were 3 dogs: 2 Great Danes and a Doberman.
Back in the day, (which was a Wednesday by the way.... Dane Cook joke) in DR, I had 2 Rottweilers, which had several litters together. The very last litter was birthed in the guest bathroom of my house, and for almost 5 months, we had a set of 12 puppies running around the yard, yapping away with their adorable baby barks.
Anyhow, for those of you that don't know, a doberman is pretty much the anorexic version of a Rottweiler. Literally, they have the same marks, the same features, same colors. The only (Very noticeable) difference is well, weight/build.
Now, I don't wanna hear none of that BS that people say about Rottweiler's being vicious and big. They are big softies. I loved my rotties and to this day, anytime I see one I get overwhelmed by an intense desire to hug one.
That said, after some thinking.... I came to the conclusion that the Pilot is to Jacob Wannabe as a Doberman is to a Rottweiler.
Well DAMN! I'll admit that I burst out in laughter at the thought of it, cuz, well... yeah about that.
So, with that said... I'll stand by the fact that I like my men like I like my dogs: built, scary looking, big softies, and that are able to make me feel safe, and well, with some meat on their bones! lol

Back to the real theme of the post, the date-ish thing whatever with Jacob Wannabe and our friends went pretty well. Nothing overwhelming. Watched the movie "The Box" (a post on that is coming later on), went back to the house, cooked some chill and rice, and ate while watching "I love you Beth Cooper". Went back home. The end.
We spent over 2 hours talking when he dropped me off home... and well, what can I say? I like the guy. I like a lot of things about him...  but damn, there are plenty of UGLY things in there too.... most of which are deal breakers for me.

But, on the brighter side of things, listening to him talk about all his BS & drama, I finally finally FINALLY figured out why the hell I have such a damn infatuation with the guy:
He is literally, EVERYTHING I WANT, wrapping up EVERYTHING I DON'T.
How's that for an relationship version of Pandora's box.
the fuckktup part about everything is that KNOWING and SEEING the ugly parts does not, very regrettably, take away the attraction to the good parts... so yeah... about that... since we all do what we can or what we must... the only real thing I can say is that I gotta keep ma distance.

In even greater news, I can say I am anxiously waiting on Thursday....
NEW MOON bitzniches!!
I'm going to the midnight premiere straight outta work :P
So even if I can't get the reality checked version of Jacob in my life, I can at least watch the "real" Jacob, in the movie, and dream like a 12 year-old school girl crushing on the cute boy in class. lol
I've already got my ticket, lest it should happen to be sold out (yes, it has happened pretty much everywhere around here), and I'm going with my besties  :) I'm even dragging Babes into this one lol
I'll leave y'all with a poster of the good stuff in the movie :P

Catch y'all laters
-Jezz ♥