Well damn

Playlist Side A: Joon Jun d(0_o)b

Side A: Joon Jun d(0_o)b

1.Foo Fighters - Next Year

2.Anthony Green - Baby Girl

3.Textures - Awake

4.Mudvayne - A Cinderella Story

5.Jay - Z - Venus vs. Mars

6.Drake - Best I've Ever Had

7.50 Cent - Do You Think About Me

8.Dredg - Zebraskin

9.Deftones - Drive (The Cars)

10.A Perfect Circle - Blue

11.Charles Hamilton - Sat(T)Elite

12.Sevendust - Crucified

13.Limp Bizkit - Nobody Like You

14.Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix)

15.Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage

16.Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong

17.Trey Songz - Cheated

18.Saosin - Why Cant You See?

19.Circa Survive - The Great Golden Baby

20.Staind - Mudshovel

21.Korn - Alone I Break

22.Mario - Ooh Baby

23.Kanye West - Supernova

24.Red Cafe - I Just Wanna Be

25.Yung Berg - All Nite Long

26.Timbaland - Say Something

27.Them Crooked Vultures - No One Loves Me & Neither Do I

28.Audioslave - Be Yourself

29.Staind - Believe

30.Nirvana - Heart Shaped Box

31.The Fall Of Troy - Single

32.Misery Signals - Labyrinthian

33.Mase - Cheat On You

34.The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

35.Plies - Becky

36.Slipknot - Snuff

37.Armor For Sleep - Slip Like Space

38.Green Day - 21 Guns

39.Breaking Benjamin - Without You

40.Marcy Playground - I Smell Sex And Candy

Jessica Leigh Griffith's tribute to nice girls

 Jessica Leigh Griffith's tribute to nice girls...

so much truth I don't even know where to begin!

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing – - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend – - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congratulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

WTF!!! part 2- Behind every bitch there was once a nice girl who got screwed over

I don't even know where to begin this one...
To add insult to injury, the dude (Jacob wannabe) called me last night....
and I feel like an idiot for answering even though I knew better... even though I was with the girls and after the whole Secret Santa fiasco I was still pretty pissed, but I mean.... shiit... I still answered the phone and I feel like an idiot for it.

This is going to be a completely honest post.

Jacob Wannabe called from his home phone.
I answered. We started talking. He basically tells me how much he likes talking to me because I listen and don't judge... uhm... ok... (was he trying to convince himself or something?)
anyhow... he keeps rambling and rambling and eventually gets to the point.
He's calling to let me know he's very likely to go back to being "officially" back together with PB.... uhm... so... wow...
and this dude has the NERVE!! to tell me how even though alot of BS has passed, he still thinks I'm one of his closest friends, and keeps telling me how he never meant to let this happen and how I'm an amazing person....
can someone please explain to me how you diss someone while complimenting them? Cuz that's exactly what happened.
Long story short, this was the punchline:
-I'm sorry this happened
-I really like you
-You're an amazing person
-You're one of my closest friends
-I have alot of growing up to do
-I want to remain close friends because in the future I will most likely want a relationship with you
-I'm really childish and immature
-I really hope we can still be close because I can really talk to you openly
-I was scared shitless of this conversation, and I finally got the balls to tell you
-I want to think that you'll be willing to give me a chance again somewhere down the line
-PB will most likely officially be my date for the NYE party.

At this point, I'll admit that I was above everything offended... and pissed off...
so...
I got drunk.
REALLY drunk.
So much so that I was happy and pissed at the same time, while lying on the floor in Betty's room and  looking at the glow in the dark stars on her roof and thinking I was outside and debating on my plan of action if it started to rain.
so yeeeahh... uhm... I don't know what else to say to that...
Ooh and I forgot to mention, he asked me about the Secret Santa. and asked who I got... and also asked if it was him.
ha.
fuck meee.
I went on a rant about how ridiculous that would be and why on earth if this was a random draw with 18 people in it (including myself) I would get him.... lol. so yeah.. about that...

At this point, I HAVE to wear a friggin red dress... and now I need to come up with a date for the NYE party... and shit... Babes is out of town until the 12th of January... and who the hell would I beg to pretend to date me for the sake of appearances on NYE??? Maybe on any other day... but damn, NYE?!

so yeah...
talk about ending the year (and hopefully the whole story) with a bang... shiiit...

I have the headache from hell and I need to go get ready for work now.
Needless to say, I'm not the nicest one from the bunch today...
or for the rest of the year for that matter....
Cuz behind every heartless bitch, lies a nice girl that got screwed over by a jerk.
*sigh*

Catch y'all laters guys.

-Jezz

WTF!!!!

This is my official rant. Consider yourself forewarned, so deal with it.
**PS... pardon the language.


WTF!

My mom's best friend, a close family friend, is hosting a Secret Santa...
17 people, of the youngsters...
We're doing it by numbers.
I pick number 13.
 WHY THE FUCK!!!! have I gotten MF"N!! JACOB WANNABE!!!!

I mean, this totally a luck of the draw, random and shit...

BUT WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
THIS IS NOT COOL.


I've managed to keep everything at bay and kept my distance from the guy and everything... and I get THIS?!

Not to mention the fact that I still have to deal with New Years eve...
Oh wait right, I havent posted THAT story yet.

SO remember PWB?
Yeahh... uhm...
My grandparents are in town.
So it's pretty much a given that I have to show up with the rest of the fam to the NYE party...
When this came to light, about a month ago, I threatened Jacob Wannabe that I was going and I didn't even want to remotely consider the whole birthday fiasco reoccurring again.
A few weeks later... he tells me PWB IS coming to the family NYE party.
OOOOH FUCK.
This is gonna get awkward.
so, at this point we're both forewarned and we're on somewhat amicable terms, for the sake of sanity.
My friends, most of them fashion design students, come up with an elaborate scheme in which I wear a red dress to the NYE party and look like a million bucks and basically show off that I'm in control of da binniz and give off a bad ass bitch attitude... but the problem is... I don't usually wear red, and truth be told, I'm not a badass bitch, I'm a nice person....
so I tell my mom the happenings... you know, gotta keep her somewhat informed of what's going on... and she concurrs with my friends and also insists that I wear a smokin red dress... so I guess red it's gonna have to be! well damn...

and NOW THIS?!!?!

this is some BS.

Now, I mean, seriously... what are the effin odds.. I was like one of the first few people to pick my secret Santa recipient... I mean c'mon... this is just fucked up on a bunch of levels...
but hey.. at least I know what he likes, right???

too pissed to keep blogging..
ttyl laters
[>_<']

-Jezz

Holiday Season goodbyes

So it's officially the "HOLIDAY Season" and we're in on Winter break and everyone is happy that the quarter is finally over and yadda yadda yadda.

I'll admit that I've been working really hard and consistently on catching up on my missing hours of sleep, and I've gotten presents for almost everyone in my budget-conscious list and so-far, everything has turned out pretty good.

But as all good things come, they must also leave. My friends, mostly from out of town, have all been going back home :(

Oddly enough, they're managing to meet up in NYC and Atlantic City, and even if I could afford to I can't go... oh well.

Anyhow, the real reason behind me posting this is because I didn't realize that I would miss my friends this much... OOzi, Babes, KK, 'nae, Spitz, Gayman, Corleone, E, Dex, J... all of em!
Sounds weird that I'd miss em that much since I'm usually @ work and it's only gonna be like 3 weeks anyway, right? I know, I know... I'm a softie at heart.

So, after an endless night of packing and cleaning, and then some down time to chill, we were off to say our good byes at the airport.

Everything was going well until, well I had to say goodbye to Babes, ma bestie.
Some unexpected deja vu came through and here we were again, saying good bye as he goes off to Philly and I go back to real life... For a minute I felt kinda like November 07 when he same scenario happened the first time, a lifetime ago.
Old habits die hard I guess?

Idk, I guess we just know who really counts, even when we purposely forget to acknowledge it.

I'm off to work again peoples

catch y'all laters!!

ThanksGiving!

Dearest all!!!
Why Helllooo!!!
Sooo, it's thanksgiving and although I'm working, I can still manage to find a couple things to day, right
I know. I should be with the family n stuff... it really was not my choice, but hey, holiday pay works, right? Yeahh... about that...
Anyhow...
I want to mention the things that I AM really TRULY grateful for:

• My mom- who, despite everything (and there has been plenty) has managed to keep moving forward and keeping a soulful spirit
• My chinese boy- whom has helped me see the challenges of parenting (even though he's my youngest brother)
• Dude, my middle brother. Who has helped me realize exactly what I DON'T like in men, and how our family is affected by the changes we've gone through
• My family -because the world is meaningless without people to share your life with
• My job- because even when I feel as though I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to see the sunlight- it has kept my family fed and bills paid
• Cooco Sooz and Babes- because they help me remember that life is not as serious as I unwittingly wrap myself into. Because through thick & thin, they have managed to make me find humor in everything. Because they decided to move across state lines to support my crazy self & be HERE
• for food. Cuz I'm a fatass and I eat like well, a fatass. So hey.
  Oh and the Good genes cuz they keep me looking good despite my fatass appetite
• Cell phones cuz we get to reach out to anyone, virtually anywhere; making the world smaller and larger at the same time
• Anything with chocolate, because it calms me when I'm about to have a meltdown
• Dreams & vision.
  because they help us transcend who we are and where we came from and empower us to reach for higher standards, deeper values, and help us realize the potential inside each and everyone of us.

Although I didn't get to hang out with the fam and eat consistently all day long, My mom brought me food :) and Jacobwannabe brought me food and hung out with me during my lunch break :D
And I'm going black friday shopping after i gets outta here :P

<3 much love y'all

-Jezz

A sad reality we fail to notice

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Maybe GA is too small for my social circle...

.... or maybe I need to dye my hair a different shade now that I'm officially avoiding Jacob Wannabe once again
.... or maybe I need to stop hanging out with my bestie, who at 6'1 tall  (yes, barefoot!) is becoming a landmark to find me when I'm out.


So, remember the New Moon Premiere I was so happy about??
Yeah, about that...

Jacob Wannabe was there. With PB.
Que decirte!

He mentioned, in passing, that he was going to see the premiere, and I mentioned I was going too.
Before I get into any further detail, let me just say:
Jacob wannabe lives about an hour away from my side of town.
He goes to school about 1/2 away from where I go to school, which is also in my side of town.
PB goes to school 4 hours away from where I live.

So, that said; Can someone PLEASE explain to me WTF this dude and this chick were at THE SAME THEATER I went to?!?!?!
This is still rather baffling to me.
I spotted him in the line to get into the movie (which, I might add, went around the plaza where I went to see the movie) & I saw him again in the vending line, while waiting to get some popcorn.
My friends printed their tickets all together, and all had auditorium 7 on them... I printed mine at work, and it had auditorium 8 on it. We didn't think too much of it cuz, hell, it's the same movie in all the damn auditoriums anyway.
So my mind keeps wondering if I really did see him or not, or wtf, and we finally are able to enter the auditoriums to watch the movie, but hey, I can't sit with my friends cuz I have to go to 8, not 7; cuz 7 is sold out, even though there are over 50 empty seats in it.
I went to the box office with Babes, and we were told the same.... but I wasn't having none of that. Babes offered to swap his ticket at the box office in order for us to sit in 8; but that wasn't going to satisfy me either... so... Babes went in, took out CoccoSooz's ticket, and gave it to me, and I was in. Yayyyy!!
The movie was pretty awesome :) Not better than the book, but then again, when does that ever happen anyway?
I was, of course, going for Team Jacob :P even when I know Edward is the real thing. Taylor Lautner is well, delicious looking... to the point where my mom agrees with me on that (lol yeah, imagine THAT conversation); and Babes was rather resented cuz I like Taylor Lautner (the dude that plays Jacob) and he was a very obvious resemblance to Jacob wannabe (hence the name); but whatever.
I went home, all good, night's over yadda yadda yadda, I hit the bed, night night y'all.

Next day, I get a text from Jacob wannabe himself, telling me we were at the same theater and he saw me a couple times. I asked how he could be sure it was me... and he said he saw me with Soozi. Dammit (this is why I say she's becoming a landmark).
I asked why he didn't bother to come and say hi, and he explained that he was with PB. ( SO I WASN'T CRAZY AFTER ALL!) and that he didn't want her to get all upset and well, psycho.
I was a little curious... so I asked him what auditorium he was in.... he said 8, and that there was barely15-20 people in that one.
WELL DAMN!
I'll admit I spent about an hour laughing at the fact that my minor tantrum with Babes spared me a looong dramatic encounter with the evil creature that PB is.... Jesus works in magical, mysterious ways.
Anyhow y'all....
In sum, the movie was good, the ending was expected (if you've read the books anyway) but good nonetheless and I had fun; all of which is what really matters.

Til the next one folks
-Jezz

All in a moment's notice

This is a mental note. This is an archive. This is a reminder, a "saving the date for future reference" post. This is me keeping a time-line of the story behind the scenes. This is me being a pessimist and mentally preparing myself for the backlash of the whip.


Monday night was not supposed to be like this.
I was not supposed to let you hold my hand, nor give me a hug like you and I were not just mere acquaintances, or at most friends; a hug that gave me inappropriate mental images and left my head whirling.
I was not supposed to talk to you for hours on end like nothing as ever happened and we are two people simply getting to know each other.

But I did.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened. I don't know if it was something you said, or if it was something you did. I don't know what the hell it was, but it got me good.

I'm starting to let my guard down with you.
Looking back, last night, I did things I'd never done in the 5 months I've known you. I let myself stop freaking out about the meaning and implications and situations and just really enjoyed the moment.
I laid my head on your lap, and looked up at you. We talked for a bit. I took your hand and placed it on my cheek, so you would touch my face. You traced your fingers lightly, almost tenderly, and I felt joy. We talked, I laughed and forgot about the boundaries and consequences, I stopped the screaming voices in my head and just relished the moment.
I even reached up for a kiss, which you landed on the tip of my nose with a smile. For a split second, it crossed my mind that the moment I was relishing in was not with the person I have those kind of moments with, Babes. It was with you, Jacob wannabe.
That night... It was rather memorable to me...
but you... you drove home and disappeared away into the night, into reality, into life and I crash land into the world off of cloud 9 wondering when I'm going to feel the sting after the burn and if I'll be able to handle it with grace. I hope so.
Until then, I'll just hang on to that moment, that little trace of what could be but will not.

What had happened was....

I swear it wasn't my fault!

Ok, well, kinda.
Y'all already know where this post is going.
I did... again.
Well, actually, not kinda.
So what, yeah, I hung out with Jacob wannabe again.
Let me make it clear that this was on a Friendship-only basis, and there was no date-ish crap involved. Ok maybe a little. He bought me a milkshake and paid for my entrance to the movie. The END.
Anyhow, all in all it went pretty well. Rather insightful day it was.

In light that we haven't really hung out recently, we were just catching up, talking both amongst ourselves and with our friends, Blackwhite guy and American Kate Winslett; who were house sitting for some of their friends.
Jacob wannabe's been rather caught up in his own drama, to which, after lending an ear for him to vent some frustration, I'll limit myself to saying is rather fukttup, and with which I have maintained myself as far as possible. I sure as hell don't wanna be there when shit hits the fan cause it ain't going to be pretty.

On the other hand, I can tell you that I figured out that I like my dogs the way I like my men. lmao. This came to light because where we were there were 3 dogs: 2 Great Danes and a Doberman.
Back in the day, (which was a Wednesday by the way.... Dane Cook joke) in DR, I had 2 Rottweilers, which had several litters together. The very last litter was birthed in the guest bathroom of my house, and for almost 5 months, we had a set of 12 puppies running around the yard, yapping away with their adorable baby barks.
Anyhow, for those of you that don't know, a doberman is pretty much the anorexic version of a Rottweiler. Literally, they have the same marks, the same features, same colors. The only (Very noticeable) difference is well, weight/build.
Now, I don't wanna hear none of that BS that people say about Rottweiler's being vicious and big. They are big softies. I loved my rotties and to this day, anytime I see one I get overwhelmed by an intense desire to hug one.
That said, after some thinking.... I came to the conclusion that the Pilot is to Jacob Wannabe as a Doberman is to a Rottweiler.
Well DAMN! I'll admit that I burst out in laughter at the thought of it, cuz, well... yeah about that.
So, with that said... I'll stand by the fact that I like my men like I like my dogs: built, scary looking, big softies, and that are able to make me feel safe, and well, with some meat on their bones! lol

Back to the real theme of the post, the date-ish thing whatever with Jacob Wannabe and our friends went pretty well. Nothing overwhelming. Watched the movie "The Box" (a post on that is coming later on), went back to the house, cooked some chill and rice, and ate while watching "I love you Beth Cooper". Went back home. The end.
We spent over 2 hours talking when he dropped me off home... and well, what can I say? I like the guy. I like a lot of things about him...  but damn, there are plenty of UGLY things in there too.... most of which are deal breakers for me.

But, on the brighter side of things, listening to him talk about all his BS & drama, I finally finally FINALLY figured out why the hell I have such a damn infatuation with the guy:
He is literally, EVERYTHING I WANT, wrapping up EVERYTHING I DON'T.
How's that for an relationship version of Pandora's box.
the fuckktup part about everything is that KNOWING and SEEING the ugly parts does not, very regrettably, take away the attraction to the good parts... so yeah... about that... since we all do what we can or what we must... the only real thing I can say is that I gotta keep ma distance.

In even greater news, I can say I am anxiously waiting on Thursday....
NEW MOON bitzniches!!
I'm going to the midnight premiere straight outta work :P
So even if I can't get the reality checked version of Jacob in my life, I can at least watch the "real" Jacob, in the movie, and dream like a 12 year-old school girl crushing on the cute boy in class. lol
I've already got my ticket, lest it should happen to be sold out (yes, it has happened pretty much everywhere around here), and I'm going with my besties  :) I'm even dragging Babes into this one lol
I'll leave y'all with a poster of the good stuff in the movie :P

Catch y'all laters
-Jezz ♥

Thicker than water

Oh Bloood,
so much thicker than water
you're drowning me twice as fast
a cross between mud and and quicksand
murky and sticky
no matter how dirty things are
I am unavoidably bound to you
and the more I struggle, the sooner I sink
I'm trying my best to just give in, but
how do you hold still watching your life pass by,
feeling each moment slip through your fingertips
seeing snapshots of what could've been flashing before your eyes
while slowly losing faith that you'll ever get out of this alive?
All we have is fear & faith, hoping for another chance to seize the day

"Slowing Down"- Anthony Green

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long time coming.
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never change.
Well I never wanted it to feel like this, to feel this way.

I'm just afraid that if you stay...


Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long, long, long, long time...
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never ever change.
Well I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me.






[[[ I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll hate you...]]] (#._.#)

Prisioner of my own desicions

Well Damm. Post Secret, ya manage to do it again.

Maybe at some point things will be different. Until then, I must say I concur.

Dad - part of the untold story

I don't really talk about my dad. In all honesty, I'll admit that I avoid thinking about him as much as possible. However, my tumulous relationship with him marginally defines my view of men, my fears and my own relationships.
My dad was never really there. For circumstances I can't quite explain, my parents were split for 9 years, which began when I was 1 & 1/2. They did, however manage to get back together when I was somewhere between 9 and 10, and thus my little brother, whom I'll nickname Chino, came to be.
After almost 7 years together again, my parents decided to move to the US from Dominican Republic. Much debate ensued from the idea, and finally, my mom moved to the US and my dad was left behind to finish up the process. Except it never quite finished.
Again, for circumstances I can't quite explain, my dad never made it to the US.
Instead, he found a mistress, whom happened to be a family friend whom we knew from church. Yes, there is ugly in this world, and I'll admit that my dad having such a richeous and do-gooder attitude and character bit him in the ass. This would also be the part where I mention that my grandfather, whom I love and adore, also had a mistress whom was my grandmother's niece. The real reason I mention this is because my dad, richeous do-gooder as aforementioned, was ruthlessly judgemental of my grandfather's affair; and then ended up having to choke on his own words.
Anyhow, my relationship with my father has always been tumultous, conflicting.
I was a free-spirited child. I was, by no means an angel. I was curious as hell, and sneaky too. I will however give myself some credit and say that I was on the good side of things. I was pretty much your average kid.

I don't mean to critize my dad in a negative light,  I understand that as parents, no-one hands you a guide book on how to discipline your kid and how to raise them to be honorable, well-rounded, disciplined individuals. I know in my heart of hearts that he had the very best intentions in mind and that he loves me.
But, as we say Amor no quita conocimiento (love does not take away knowledge). My dad was not the easiest person to get along with. He has such a rough personality, a rough character. He fails to understand the power of his words and his critique, both for positive and negative. In many ways, his harsh ways are part of the mold for my own character and also the demon behind my own insecurities.
In his effort to build a strong character in me, he has also left vestiges of fear and self-doubt that I constantly struggle with. I'll admit that, to this day, I constantly seek for my parent's approval in everything I do, out of fear and respect. This has also caused me alot of pain, and sacrifice, but I just don't feel right when my parents dissaprove of something I've decided to do. I feel hindered, like there are chains over my shoulder. I feel like there is a black cloud over my head wherever I go.
My main gripe about him has always been that he fails to realize that you catch more flies with a teaspoon of honey than a barrel of vinegar.... and quite the barrel he had.

He was a cadet, it was his dream to be an army man, but for medical reasons, he had to drop out. He was always very strict, organized and methodical from a young age, according to what my grandmother has told me. These strict views collided with my need for independence and liberty and space. During my high-school years, I was usually only allowed to go 3 places: Church, school, and my grandmother's house. Other than that, I had to be with either parent everywhere I went.... all the way through Senior year in highschool.
Yeah.... about that. This triggered me to learn how to climb out the balcony, over the roof, walk the wall between my house and my neighbor's and jump over the 15ft fence in my house. Yes, I did. This was my only way to see the world, even if it was only to catch a cab to my bestie's house to sit on her porch and talk bs with a group of people. To this day, I wonder if I really got away with it, or if he turned a blind eye on me and let me THINK I got away with it. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Nowadays, my dad is in Spain. From what I know, he has officially broken away from the mistress. Then again, we hardly ever talk, so what do I know, really?
During the years we lived together, my dad hardly acknowledged birthdays. He would usually wake me up earlier and express, in a very formal tone, that he wished that I had a good day, and I had the opportunity to have many more birthdays. I don't know bout y'all, but to my 11 year old self, this was rather puzzling and quite dissapointing.

This year, however, he managed to remember my birthday, early even. It's this Thursday, and he already called my mom and spoke to her because I was alseep yesterday.
He sent a present this year, all the way from Spain. He also sent a card.
Although many people see this as customary and unimpressive.... it means the world to me.
I'm literally in tears over it.
He sent the meaning of both my first and second name, in little framed boxes.
These have a personal meaning. In my grandmother's house, where I lived for part of my childhood, there were two sets, one for my grandmother, and one for my grandfather; and I would always look at these in awe, because of how simple and charming they were. I remember mentioning to my dad that I wanted a set of my own at some point. Now, I have my own.

The real reason I'm writing this post is for anyone out there with a kid. Anyone out there with a daughter, any dads that might happen to be reading this.
Know that, as a man, and as a father figure, you mold your child's personality and your actions impact very profoundly on their lives. Know that your lack of expression of affection will not go unnoticed in them, and will leave them craving for something only you have: true, uninterested love and aprooval.
Know that you are the stick to which they measure the men they will have their lives, and in your absence, the only other way they end up judging men is through facts, hearsay and trial & error.
So, if you happen to have a daughter, tell her she is the most beautiful child on this earth and make sure she knows you love her.

As for me, I've added my little frames to my wall. I promise to post a picture later on.

Night night y'all.

-Jezz

Well damn

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

-C.S. Lewis

Help? anyone??

I'm doing a little maintenance. I get bored with things looking the same for too long,and frankly, I like the whole idea of switching things around.

I do not like, however, things not going as planned and things not working as they should.
Sadly, this is the case for my header.
I'm trying to add an image.... and no matter wtf I do, it still doesn't work :(
Any ideas or solutions for this?? I miss having a wonderful image up there :/
Helpppppp!

Soul meets body ♥

"Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Bike dude

Dear Bike dude,

I don't know your name.
Let's start at the fact that we rode the same bus and the same train
 for over a year and even though we never spoke, we were both fully aware of each others presence. I say this because, well, you'd race me to the door and up the stairs every time we'd get to the station. I always hated that, bike and everything, there would be times you'd beat me to the train, however I'll admit that this unspoken competition was, a couple times, the highlight of my day, and for that, I pay tribute to it on this post.
One of the last time I saw you, a couple of months back, I took a candid picture of you. kind of stalker-ish, I know, but in all honesty, not ill- intentioned. I just wanted a memory.
Nowadays, I take an earlier bus, to catch my torturous 8am class, to which I am always 15 minutes late, and I never see you. I did, recently though, decide to skip the 8am class and ended up taking a later bus. I wondered if I would see you, and I did. And although we don't talk, the competition was on and running again.
It's these little things that make life worth living. ♥.
I don't know if or when I'll see you again; and for that matter, I don't know if we'll ever talk, but it's been a good competition.

-Jezz

The thought that officially ended dating Jacob Wannabe

Well dearest readers, the day has come!

I have FINALLY! pulled the plug on the Jacob Wannabe saga.
How!?! you ask; what has finally triggered the change?! (I know y'all aren't gonna ask why, cuz if you are ya haven't read a thing on the Jacob Wannabe story)
Anyhow, as I was saying, I finally stumbled upon a though that made me change my whole perspective on the dating-ish whatever it is we're doing:

 "What would my grandmother say if she knew at least parts of the story?"

That changed my mind and my stance on everything about Jacob. See, it goes kinda like this.... My grandmother's favorite saying is Genio y figura hasta la sepultura. Basically, it means you should keep your character and your appearance impeccable to the grave.
Now, at this point in the story, I can't quite say I have... but I can't say I have not been graceful and respectable in the story.
However, I did hangout with him recently, and his actions and his demeanor were the usual, he's just a jerk by nature I suppose. This guy has the audacity to explain his new goal for the year: to completely break all ties to PB by the beginning of December.
Now, I'm being a little stupid here, but even I had to step in and just tell him that:
1) it's really fucked up that he's doing this
2) it's even more fucked up that he's telling me this
3) that he sees this as an accomplishment
4) that hanging out with him altogether makes me lose all faith in the male gender
5) that MAYBE, just MAYBE it would be a helluva lot easier (and faster, I might add) to just simple talk to her about the issue, explain himself and what he's feeling, and toodle-ooo be done with it.

Now, with that said, I came to the conclusion that, if the dude is doing this and telling me, God only knows what he's capable of and more than likely, he'd do the exact same thing to me.
On my way back home, I thought of how I'd explain all of this to my grandmother, and how she'd give me the "I cannot believe you have stooped so low" look, and truth be told, I can't even blame her.
For a 20 year old, I'll admit to having my life together: full time job, full time student, right hand to my single mother and fairy godmother to my little brother (whom I tend to spoil).
So, that said, can someone explain to me WHY the fuck (pardon the language) I'm wasting my time on someone who is quite obviously, rather far from my emotional mindset and independence level.... for pete's sake, he's still even getting an allowance! lol

All of this said, I also realized that being one of a bunch is not something I can live with, because he decided to be honest and explain that right now he's dating 3 different girls, and they are all from different countries, and they're all awesome. Okay dude... glad to know, but not really.

So, I'll keep it classy and keep it moving. There's a helluva lot more people in this world, and quite frankly, I'm starting to realize that sometimes we overlook the ones that really count.


Catch y'all later folks

-Jezz

More music to hit the heart

That day, he downloaded a bunch of songs on my computer, while I was still asleep. Later that night, while I was in one of my insomniac streaks, I played all the songs in my library, only to hear a bunch of songs I love and hadn't downloaded myself.


Many people say that love comes to a person by their eyes, others by the mouth (good food), but this story, my friends, had a killer playlist, from the very first day. We started taking over 3 doors down's "Kryptonite". lol.

This post is a placeholder for the actual playlist I made, with my re-discovered songs.
TO be completed soon ;)

-Catch ya later chumps!!

Jezz

THE playlist- 5 years and counting

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

5 years in a playlist Current mood:  mellow The soundtrack to a never ending story 5 years in the making and i know that only you will understand it... "kryptonyte" three doors down "stupid girl" cold "white flag" dido "hollow life" korn "ape dos mil" glassjaw "understanding in a car crash" thursday "box of sharp objects" the used "mu empire" glassjaw "mascara" deftones "digital bath" deftones "a certain shade of green" incubus "epiphany" stained "losing my religion" rem "as you sleep" something corporate "here without you" three doors down "be quiet and drive" deftones "unaffected" hoobastank "the end of the world" the cure "alt.end" the cure "goodye for now" P.O.D. "goodye to you" the used "I miss you" blink182 "yesterday thru everything at me" athlete "letters to you" finch "seven years" saosin "bury your head" saosin "right here waiting" stained "slowburn" revelation theory "autumn's monologue" from autumn to ashes "lucky you" deftones "we're all theives" circa survive "where'd you go?" fort minor "handshakes at sunrise" circa survive "saving me" nickelback "seventeen" red jumpsuit apparatus "thru the glass" stonesour "everything changes" stained "anti gravity love song" incubus "wish you were here" incubus "standing on the edge of summer" thursday "rough hands" alexisonfire "where no one knows" alexisonfire "we're in this together" nine inch nails "boiled frogs"alexisonfire "forever" papa roach "dig" incubus "stars" hellyeah

This was a while back. WAAY back in a different lifetime it almost seems. A helluva lot has changed since, and I'll admit I haven't listened to the playlist since almost the time I published it... until this weekend.

I fell asleep watching a movie with Babes, as usual. Instead of finishing the movie, as he normally does, he put on the playlist and slept next to me. 

I woke up crying and confused. I mean damn. Even in my sleep, at an unconscious level, my affection for Babes is there.

Puzzled, he looked at me like I came from another planet, trying to figure out wtf had me sobbing. He held me and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and to be honest, even at this point I have no friggin idea why I burst into tears.

His opinion is that I, ever so reluctant to talk about feelings in general, let alone my own, with another living person, keep too many things bottled up inside me... and well, they eventually come out, one way or another.

My thought on it is that, in a way, I really miss what we had and how we were. I say this because I know, in my heart of hearts, that even if we were to try things again, it wouldn't be the same. Not because we wouldn't be trying, but because we're both in very very different situations and circumstances in our lives, and the love I once had for him: devoted, unconditional, blind and naive; is now gone. My love isn't a love of innocence and illusion. It's tough love.
Maybe that's what we both need right now. Maybe that's what make real love work in real life, I don't know.
But the tears from that day were tears of longing for its return. Maybe in time we'll both be able to reach a point where we're willing to try to work things out... for  now, all we can do is hope and take one day at a time!

Later folks

-Jezz ♥

What was meant to be a photo comment, but I couldn't admit to

Jezzuka

mos def a good one. Sunny skies reflect in your eyes :)

May 26 at 7:43pm ·

Babes

thanks, i didn't notice that!

May 26 at 8:37pm

Jezzuka

make this one profileeeee! it makes me smile!

September 13 at 7:30pm ·

This was originally meant to be a photo comment.... but I couldn't manage to put myself out there like that.

This is the one that keeps me coming back. Takes my memories back to what once was. Makes me think of better times. I miss this as much as you do... believe me. More than anything, I feel as though it's just wrong timing all around. Maybe in time things will fall back into place... maybe, maybe....

An update on the Jacob Wannabe Saga

This one is just a factual post, to keep the story rolling in with the develoments of the Jacob Wannabe Saga. It's a rather long story, so don't blame me for making it a bulleted list of the peak moments. and by peak I do not necesarily mean good.

• Monday: we hung out, he had brought me ice cream, my fave flavor, and we watched a movie.
• Tuesday: We cancel the skydiving plans for the weekend because of the Weekend weather forecast: rain, rain and more rain. We agree to hang out with the dominican crew, and some of his friends, and I agree to go to a stip club with them and one of the gf's of the guys. I still keep Sunday off from work, just to go the bday party with the fam.
• Wednesday: Jacob un-invites me from going to the bday party the family is having for him, because PB is going to be there. His justification explanation? "Well, the rest of the dominican crew isn't gonna stay there, they're just passing by, so I don't want you to feel awkward with me and PB and my brother... besides, you're gonna be at work anyway, right?" about that...
• Thursday: My mom tells me how Jacob's mom called to invite us to the official bday party to which I was un-invited. Needless to say, I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't going, in as little detail as possible of course. She laughed a bit though. I take up my Sunday shift again. Shit, might as well make good use of my time.
• Midnight Thursday/ Friday early morning: I hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend (practically his brother), and the son of my mom's best friend here in ATL. He's a sweet heart. Out of desperation and boredom, he calls me to hang out with him after I get off from work. We watched some movies, ate a midnight snack and just talked about relationships, exes, friends, and of course, Jacob. Considering Pilot has dated some of Jacob's exes (kinda nasty but hey, whatever works, I suppose?) Jacob has always been rather paranoid about me and Pilot hanging out, even though we knew each other first. Pilot and I agree to not say anything about hanging out to Jacob, just to avoid the awkwardness.
• Friday: After not talking to Jacob since the un-invitation, he decides to nag me into talking, and I blow up and say some rather.... not nice things about how he is an emmasculated little bitch and his being bitch slapped by PB. His reply? "I knoooow.... I just don't want to deal with it... I mean, it's my birthday"... Suit yourself birthday boy.
• Saturday: There are several parts to this day, because we hung out alll day.
    -He picks me up, and we debate whether to stop and get food. We decide not to because he doesn't have his debit card. PB has it because she coerced him into paying some vet bills for her dog. WTF man?! I asked him to just not say her name... and then we call her She-who-shall-not-be-named. fml.
    -We go to Pilot's house. Jacob, Pilot, Dumdum (another one of the dominican guys) and me drive 30 minutes to an airport to pick up some stuff Pilot needs. On the way there, I just sketch. I was insanely out of it... Twilight zone, lala land, seemingly high-on-drugs-staring-into-space out of it. Pilot was worried it was because of Thursday, but I later told him it wasn't. Jacob avoided the subject
    -We're eating lunch, and PB sends him an email about why she's upset because he's decided to go to a strip club. He starts reading the email out loud and I leave the table cuz I'm pissed he keeps bringing her up. I get back to the table, and they sorta keep talking about it... by now we're calling her Voldemort. (yeah, I know, kinda funny, but still not cool).
    -We're back at Pilot's house. His phone is dying, so I let him borrow my charger. He dissapears for 2 1/2 hours to talk to PB while using my charger. I hang out with Pilot and avoid talking about the whole deal.
    -Jacob reappears, pissed like a MF, ready to break shit. There was rage in his eyes. The guys (Pilot and Dumdum) get him to sit and chill for a minute. I sit and just listen cuz it was a guy moment. Apparently, she gave him an ultimatum: "Come and see me, or go to the strip club and forget I exist". When he said he was going anyway, she changed it to: "Ok, go to the strip club; but come and see me first". Nevermind the 2 hour drive involved in that. He said he wouldn't. We head out to meet Jacob's friends. He catches me on my own, and apologize repeatedly about the whole thing.
    -We meet up with Jacob's friends,BlackWhite guy and is gf, American Kate Winslett and they're happy as ever to see me. Apparently, they thought they would never again hear from me, after the PB issues (shit, I should've proved them right on their assumptions). We head out to the strip club. He texts her the whooole way there.
    -He turns off his phone and we go in. Even though there were 3 table dances on his table (me and American Kate Winslett sit at another table next to them), he kept looking at me, and talking to me, and cracking jokes. I thought it was funny as hell to see the guys faces... I laughed the whole time we were there.
    -We leave the strip club. I'm falling asleep, and he starts playing with my hair... and kisses my forehead, and cradles me in his arm... but then then turns his phone back on, and starts texting PB again. I push his hand away and give him an evil look.
    -We get to Pilot's house, and hang out for a bit. Jacob is still texting. His voice is all deep and sad and just tired. We decide to leave.
    -Jacob drops me off, and apologizes again... He keeps nagging me to say whats on my mind, and I give him a piece of it. I call him out on being a jerk, sending mixed signals, being deceiving, driving me crazy, talking about PB all the damn time, and then wanting to be all lovey-dovey with me and flirt with me in front of the family. He looks so depressed, I decide to be nice and give him a hug. He tells me he'll call when he gets home.
    -He calls. He apparently stopped by PB's house on his way home (under a death threat, yet again). He says he called her out on her bs... but honestly... I don't believe it. He keeps apologizing. I feel sorry for him, and sad cuz I got caught up in this bs, when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
• Sunday: You'd think that with all that happened, PB would NOT be invited... but she is. However, Jacob calls me first thing in the morning, and keeps telling me how he doesn't even want to be there around her. He asks me to hang out with him tomorrow afternoon, and I say ok (I know, I shouldn't have... but oh well). Later on, we have to cancel because he has an exam to study for and I have a poject to work on; but we take a rain check for Wednesday.
• Monday: I spend the day with my besties, Cocco Sooz and Babes.We cook lasagna and bake brownies, and just hang out all day. Jacob texts all day, and begs me to save him a brownie. I did... but then I ate it :) He calls to say good night, and I'm randomly puzzled, happy and concerned all at once. He also tells me how PB expects him to pay all her dog's vet bills with his birthday money. Well damn. I just limit myself to telling him he's gonna have to man up and get his balls back... cuz seriously.
• Tuesday: Jacob texts during the day, and keeps telling he he can't wait til tomorrow. He calls at 12:05 (He knows I get off work at 12:00) and tells me about his day. He also tries to casually throw in the fact that PB is well, psycho (like I didn't know that already). He tells me how she went through his fb page and saw that I posted HBD on his wall, and decided to go bzerk... uhm.... okkkayyy... and he also adds that she was gonna write a bunch of bs on my wall, but he convinced her not to... so she just deleted me from his friends. Ok seriously, WTF!!!!

Ok y'all... this was originally meant to be a short post, but I suppose it became rather extensive... so yeah... reading over it, I realize how AWFUL Jacob sounds on paper, and how much of an idiot I'm acting, but oh well... I'll just say I'm doing it for the story, for the sake of my Jacob Wannabe blog posts.
Feel free to try to smack some common sense into my mind with an rude comment. I'll take a couple of those in hopes that it'll actually work. I'm dead serious.

Catch ya later folks.

-Jezzuka

To the ones that fit the shoes, but ran away with them

For my dear friend Ally J; This one is for the ones that measured up and fit the shoes of what could have been; but ran away instead. :/ Habrán más en el camino! :)

 "Good enough"- Evansecence
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no

Your Love

yo quiero... una vida simple

yo no pido riquezas en abundancia, solo lo justo. Enough to not worry, but also enough to keep me humble.
yo no pido una legion de "amigos". I only want those who cherish my friendship as I cherish theirs.
yo no pido un hombre perfecto. I want a man I can consider an equal, and know he sees me as the same.

["Your Love"- Ennio Morriconne ft. Dulce Pontes] <3

Hope is the beat to the human heart in the darkest hour of despair.

Me reservo el derecho

Can love truly conquer it all?
I highly doubt it. Call me a skeptic, call me pragmatic... pero amor no quita conocimiento.

El hecho de querer a alguien no quita que esa persona sea un degracio a la franca, y que "por amor" o cualquier bolseria de esas, implique que uno tenga que aguantarle mierda a nadie.
Pardon the language.

What I'm trying to get at is, that even though someone can love you to death and back, and vice versa, it does not mean that said person is the best person out there to be with. Love can only compensate for so much.
You can love me beyond words, love me in ways that are unheard of, love me to the point where you would give your life to me; but that doesn't obliterate everything else.
Like smoking weed.
or being jobless.
And Irresponsible. Immature. Inconsiderate.
Or for being selfish, and deceiving.

Love is a sublime emotion, and it can make us want a helluva lot from the opposite sex; but truth be told, love is not a justification for anyone to put up with someone else's shortcomings whatsoever.

Yo te puedo amar hasta mas no poder, pero simplemente no estar dispuesta a aguantar tu mierda, tus pendjadas, tus excusas, tu vagancia, tu inmadurez. Asi de sencillo. Y el hecho de que no lo aguante no quiere decir que te quiera menos, ni que no tengas el mismo effecto en mi como antes. Tus besos todavia me saben a cielo, tus abrazos me cambian el dia, dormir en tus brazos todavia me llena el alma, y andar contigo me pone a reir y a gozar.
Sin embargo, me reservo el derecho de exigir mas, por que doy mas. Me reservo el derecho de que, si yo puedo esforzarme y "set the bar high and exceed", tu tambien puedes. Yo me reservo el derecho de que, si no eres capaz de dar y desempeñar tanto como yo, decirte que sigas tu camino. No porque no te amo, sino porque simplemente no estamos a la par.
Y no es que eso sea malo tampoco, pero simplemente no es equitativo. Me being ridiculously set on equality between the genders, yo no cojo ese coro de que si fuera un hombre diciendo esto seria mas justo.
Me reservo el derecho de no aguantar mierda por amor a nadie.
I'm just being honest.
I reserve the right to be selective and hope to find someone who can be just as responsible -financially, morally, intellectually, and emotionally- as I am. I'm not saying I'm flawless, nor that I'm perfect. I don't place myself on a pedestal. I simply acknowledge the facts as they are.

Dammit, I swear he sets me up! (>_<)

Well damn, where do I begin?
My last post on Jacob wannabe involved hanging out - and flirting- in front of the family.
Things have gotten, well, uhm.. interesting since.


After a minor panic attack and fleeing the scene like a bat outta hell, we did hang out and watch the Soloist, which was a great movie by the way (it's pretty good, but I supposed it's not as appealing if you don't have a passionate love for psychology and the human mind, considering the main character is schizophrenic). We ate some lunch, he got me Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie without telling me, and saved it for when we watched the 2 hour premiere of House. Well Damn. How dare he go and mess with my head in such a flattering, caring manner?!

Anyhow, the day went great and we were both pretty damn happy. Hurray Hurrray :)

So how much more of this kinda sweet talk do I have to take before it's ok if I catch feelings for the guy?!?!?

Jezzuka:   *I'm debating on watching The Soloist
Jacob W: -Nooo don't to it. Watch it with me on Monday
* Idk if I'll be able to go over on Monday, but I decided to watch 9 anyway
-How come you can't?
*I might be going to the movies with Babes, but we'll see
-K. Well do, whatever you wanna do then.
*U sound kinda bothered... you upset?
-Kinda. I don't wanna seem jealous... but I just really wanna see you
*I'm probably going around 4 so I should be done around 7
-I get off work at 7 anyway
*So there... don't be upset :)
 -I won't be if get to see you :)
*So if I don't come over you'll be upset cuz of my absence? Lol Sure, blame me.
-Whatever it takes to get you to come over
*Oh it's like that? Whatever it takes? Really? lol
-Haha yup. If guilting you into coming over gets you here then I'll do it. But I just hope that you wanting to see me is good enough for you
*Lol you are just too much
-What you mean?
*You'd actually guilt me into seeing you? I mean damn, you miss me that much? lol I miss you too :P
-You're always surprised whenever I tell you how much I miss you. I feel kinda flattered sometimes actually.
*Lol I'm a skeptic at heart, can't help it. And how come you feel flattered?
-Lol. Exactly that. Cuz you're a skeptic. It's kinda like I surprise you every time with my feelings for you. Makes me feel good.
*Well, you do. You make me feel special when you mention them... kinda makes my day :)
-I'm glad to know that baby. I really do wanna see you on Monday.
*I wanna see you too honey. I really did miss seeing you too
-I'm glad to hear that... I definately miss you :)


So this is a random text conv I had with Jacob Wannabe.
Yeah, about that...
I'm at least aware that I have a soft spot for the guy! Give me some sort of credit!
But then again, how could I not? He's a smart, good looking sweet talker.
So, it begs the question: How many more conversations like the one above must I endure before it's considered ok if I catch feelings for the guy?
Anbody got a number, a statistic, a percentage?
PLEEEASE?!?!

I'm headed to bed folks... it's been a long day.
TTYL :P

-Jezz

Infatuation and catching myself

I caught myself in time...or did I?
I have such mixed feelings about Jacob wannabe... on one hand I feel so attracted and drawn to him, but on the other hand, I distrust and dislike so many of his ways...
I'm attracted to him like a moth to a flame.
In my heart of hearts I know that whatever it is that I feel for him, it's not built to last...
It's like there's something to this whole ordeal, something I'm missing, the key behind the whole thing, the reason why I'm so damn infatuated on him and I can't seem to get over this... And to be honest it's driving me insane. (^_^)

Well, it seems as though I'm just as vulnerable and foolish as all women are said to be. But maybe I was right at calling myself a little smarter.

Ally will still look at me with a smirk that says "I told you so" and tell me I brought it upon myself, which to both, I will have to concurr.

The story as most stories of recent events, involves our favorite character, Jacob wannabe.

I hung out with Jacob wannabe again, and this time, in front of family. The interesting part is that, instead of sticking to our agreement to be neutral in front of the fam in order to avoid any awkward situations, he is openly flirting with me... and it's all going pretty well.
The whole day was great. I kept catching myself thinking I could get used to days like that, and hoping that there would be more... but then I kept catching him texting other girls.
Yeah... about that. The one thing we most certainly were clear about was the fact that we are nowhere near serious and neither one of us wants to head in that direction. I mean, it's all fun and games, right?
Yeahh... what had happened was... well... I got caught up in everything that happened during the day, and how easy going things were, and how comfortable it was, that I.. uhm... kinda let my guard down. I wasn't as tough and he wasn't an ass, so yeah... foolishness is persistent.
At the end of the day, when he dropped me off home, he kissed me goodnight. My hands were shaking, and I kinda left in a panic, heart racing and all.

See, I knew that I shouldn't have gone and ... well. I guess that it's useless trying to mend over dumb mistakes.
Anyhow. I text him telling him that although I had a great day, and a good time, I wouldn't be hanging out with him for a while. He proceeds to ask questions and I ultimately answer that I might end up getting emotionally involved and I'm trying to stop myself. And the sad sad sad part is that, instead of reassuring me that everything would be ok, and that I had nothing to worry about (I was pretty clear that wishing for him to say he's kinda getting emotionally involved was far beyond his capability), he goes on to say how he understands that and how he's ok with it because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that pretty much a diss in my eyes... So, I tell him how we want different things from each other, and he proceeds to ask me what do I want. Yeah. ABOUT THAT.
I cut off the conversation and called it a night.

I panicked and I'm currently fleeing, heart in hand, as far as I can go. See, the thing I keep forgetting is that, as tough as I am and cynical and sarcastic I can be, I want pretty much, what everyone wants: loved, appreciated, valued, esteemed, and yeah someone who wants me and only me... and I want these things because I want to feel the same way about someone else too; but... Jacob wannabe is mos def not relationship material.

So why is it that despite knowing better, people still go for the one thing that is not good for us? I have yet to figure it out.
In the meantime, I guess you could say I'm being a coward. I just see it as intelligence prevailing over foolishness and emotions and attraction and desire and hope and trouble.
SO there. At least I'm smarter. HAHA.

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy for those who think"
I'm failing to see the humor in the whole situation... soo... I don't know where that leaves me.
Oh well. I have two more days of moping around before I officially force myself to do things to keep myself busy and remove myself from that situation. As to hanging out again with him? Ahh... I'd say never again, but we know THAT won't work soo...

Catch y'all laters.

-Jezz

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy”

-Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942)

 I suppose that this is where my issues begin. I consider myself rather on the smart side. not a genius, but a rather a socially adept dork.
I've been having issues with the male gender recently. Namely, loss of respect, trust, reliance.... in general, a loss of faith in them and what they represent in women's lives.


I suppose it's because I've been dealing with the rather stupid side of the gender. Or is it because I'm dealing with the stupid but nice and cute, and the smart and cute asshole. I don't know. But when it comes to men, I've come to regard them all with lust and disdain.
An old saying goes:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

So, IS that my problem? That I bear the burden of intelligence? ad knowledge and wisdom, and standards and expectations? Is it really? It makes a girl wonder. It makes me reconsider and question if I'm not being to harsh, or too uptight, or too selfish. It makes me think that maybe I'm just asking for too much of a guy. But then again, I quote Erica Jong once again:

 “Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

Sadly, she has a point. Men are, in general, selfish creatures. I'm not saying that there aren't women that are this way too, but in women, there is  a certain desire to nourish and cradle, to be there, to be supportive, and understanding, to be sympathetic that is just plain undeniable and more often than not, it is of a subconscious  nature. I'll blame it on biology, evolution and preservation of the species. If men are known to be selfish, rather thoughtless creatures, someone's gotta take care of business with the family and make sure the kids are taken care of.... hence the nourishing, selfless ways, and when the selfless ways are ignored and women become deviant from this norm, we feel guilty. Yes, we feel guilty. I'll openly admit that the one reason I haven't left home and gone to do my own thing is because I would feel insanely guilty about leaving my mom like my dad has and I'd feel guilty for not having her being able to rely on me, just like she has come to be with my brother.

Which leads me into my next point in case. As much as I am independent and self reliant and have a can-do attitude, it can only go so far. Hormones are hormones and I can't fight the enemy betraying me from the inside... I am, a sucker for men. Wait, that didn't come out right. lol. What I mean is, that I am pretty much like any other girl out there, I want a guy I can rely on. Not because I will (because I most likely won't) but because it is comforting to have the option and the knowledge that  my back is covered. I read somewhere today:

Its interesting to consider that women are attracted to strong men. Many of these women don't even realize why they are attracted to them. I do. Its because they're looking for the man who is in complete control of his faculties and his life. The man of unrelenting strength of character and mind. Why? Because such a man wouldn't let anything mare his plans for happiness. And guess who would directly benefit from that?

 Well damn. That's all I can say to that. It's truly impressive that I hadn't realized that yet, with how true it is and how much I dwell on the subject of relationships. Nonetheless, it is true. I posted it as a facebook status earlier today, and someone commented that:

The statement is false... A relationship has always and will always consist of one stronger partner than another, the human condition unfortunately. In scientific terminology, 2 elements of equal polarity regardless of mass or volume will oppose one another equally, strong men and strong women normally will not permanently attract each other, one has to be stronger thus making one weaker by default.. Look at super stars who marry other super stars, they never last... So, a strong woman is not actually looking for a strong man, just someone stronger than themselves... and vice-versa.

To which I replied:

I do agree with it. I don't think that one necesary must be stronger than the other, I think it's more of consistent with being able COMPLEMENT each other, and work as a team in general. No matter how strong you are, you will always have flaws and weak spots. If you have a person by your side that can complement you and vice versa, then you are more likely to be strong as a unit, not just as individuals. but hey, I'm just sayin'.

As much as I am coming to distrust men and refuse to rely on them, I do still hope to get to someone, someone I can rely one, and believe in, and empower and feel uplifted by... I want to feel someone is part of my team, someone I know can stand by my side and I can consider an equal, a compliment. This is after all, what God intended when he created women.

But the more time passes I lose faith that this is ever gonna happen... but hey what do I know.

I'll end the post with another quote from Erica Jong, one that proves that feminists are not devoid of a vagina and a ♥:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Laters folks.

Jezz

:)

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

- Sherlock Holmes

Nuff said !  lol

Modesty, Holmes, Men and Settling

While talking to my somewhat awesome asshole of a boss, we came onto the subject of a "good guy".
I mentioned not needing a friday night off as I had requested cuz my date had canceled. (yes, curious ones, this was Jacob wannabe).
He proceded to laugh, and then ask, rather incredulously, your date dumped you? I explained, the whole thing (six flags day with his college wasn't gonna be going on this year as he thought)
He then mentioned Jacob's college, and says I though XXX was for smart people? I said it was, and explained that Jacob wannabe is indeed, rather smart... and then told him I didn't care too much because he's kind of an asshole.
He replies, "Well, I mean, you can't expect to have it all! If he's smart and good looking, he's gonna be an ass. Its the way things work" My co-worker states, "Yeah, unless you go for  the geeks, they're the nice ones, even if they are a little weird." My boss finishes it up by saying "There is no possible combination in which a man has all the above. He's either cute and smart but not good looking, or good looking and  nice, but stupid, or he's smart and good looking, but an ass. I am the smart and good looking, and yes, I'm kind of an ass."
To finish off the above conversation, I asked my boss, and my co-worker, that well, because I'm smart, and nice and hard-working and -if I say so myself- pretty darn good looking, do I not have the right to hope, expect and demand the same from a guy? To which I got mock chastised over "tooting my own horn" and not being modest.
To that, I quote my childhood hero, Sherlock Holmes:

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

But, my dears, the real reason behind my post, is not whether not I am modest, but rather, if for lack of modesty, I am expecting too much of the opposite sex.

I mean, I stand by what I say... Considering I'm not a whinny bitch, I'm fun, I'm nice, I'm responsible, I'm smart and I'm really damn self reliant and independent, and like I said before, I'm pretty good looking. Not a supermodel, but good looking none the less.

So IS it too much to expect from a guy to be up to par? I mean, I would like to be with someone I can call and consider an equal. I do like the thought of seeing my significant other as a teammate in life, someone I can count on and vice versa. If I have so much to offer, why should I have to settle for someone who won't put 50 to my 50?

*sigh*

Another day in which my faith in men drowns slowly.

One Tree Hill Quote

One Tree Hill Quote

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

... enough said.

In light of Kanye's VMA stage crash, and Patrick Swayze's death....

Texts From Last Night (404): I hope Kanye doesn't show up to Patrick Swayze's funeral. " I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

I know it's kinda messed up and all... but ya gotta admit it would be funny in a sick kinda way... LOL

Turning 21 and making plans for a celebration of sorts

I, my dear friends, will be turning 21 this year. Such a wonderful occasion.
I am a loss as to what I should do.

I have 3 options, and so far, I like all 3.
I can...

a) Go to NYC. The city I love. *cue Jay-Z's "New York" featuring Alicia Keys*
b) Go to VEGAS. Shiiit. You only turn 21 once.
or
c) Buy myself a much needed car.

I explain myself.
a) Go to NYC.
         This one is a no-brainer. There is a little bit of everything in New York. I love the damn city. I love it's grittiness, it's rude people, the endless nights, the constant wtf at everything that can be seen. The bright lights, and the hope and ambition in the air.
b) Go to VEGAS.
         Where do I begin with this? I'm turning the big 21. The official landmark of age. I've grown up in a position where I'm forced to be mature and responsible and leveled all my life... I want to be a little bit reckless, a little bit crazy, a little over the top. I wanna be my age... the FUN part of my age. And quite frankly, Vegas just sounds glamorous and AWESOME.
Now, here's the even better part: I work with hotels. I have access to all the rate discounts on dozens of Vegas hotels. For Pete's sake, I can get a room for 50.00 a night, in the hotel of a world known real estate businessman who has a TV show, and whose last name rhymes with Hump. That said, I'd also be splitting the trip with my fab entourage, yet to be determined if it's 2, 3, 4, or 5, but still I'd be splitting the costs. And I'm turning 21... c'mon now. 21 in Sin City with my entourage in a five star suite. That's one to be remembered

and
C)Buying the much needed car
        Yes, I am still to this day a pedestrian. Considering I'm in a single parent household, and that I usually end up paying the rent, well, yeah... about that.
I've been meaning to get myself a car, but every time I have the money for it, some emergency or another arises, and well, the car purchase vanishes into thin air. I could take into account the money I'd invest over the next 3 months in my NYC or Vegas trip and stash it away into the realms of the unknown, and most importantly, brainwash myself into believing that I've already spent it, and get a car for my 21st bday and relish in the freedom. But the truth is, it simply feels like, dare I say it, *sigh* the mature and responsible thing to do... and I'm having issues with that part of myself.
Mature and responsible have not made for awesome memories and tons of fun. They have not made for crazy adventures or unbelievable and unpredictable turns of events. I want a little crazy in my life. A little youth and recklessness. Is that too bad or too much to ask for?

Anyhow... If I plan right and limit considerably my spending down to the bare needs, I might be able to go to NYC and get the car... but that is yet to be seen. I keep turning the thought around in my head, and I'm sure that I'll probably settle for stashing the cash and getting the car, but I really wish I could let myself go loose in Vegas and have fun... I really wish I could.

So, what did you do for your 21st? Any regrets?