Antother one comes & goes....

So another year comes & goes, I have to say that even at this point, you manage to amuse, bewilder and exacerbate me beyond words.
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:

"You're too pretty to be so apologetic about yourself"

You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.

Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.

But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.

I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)

Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch.  xD ♥

much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P

-Jezz

Reflections on my best friend

Everyone has their obsessions, consuming thoughts, consuming time... 

They hold high their prized possession...defines the meaning of their lives

you are mine

["You are mine"- Mute Math]

Recently, I made plans, and sadly, they didn't fall through. After having invited some friends to dinner and getting an initial "Sure, let's go"; they decided they didn't want to go anymore, and didn't even bother saying so.
Well damn.
Needless to say, I was rather ticked off, and in a fit, was about to head home.

Babes sat me down and blew some steam off and made me vent, like he usually does when I'm fuming angry, and well, that took off the edge on things.

Instead of heading home, I went out to dinner with Babes.

My best friend... by far and wide.

So we go to Chilli's, order our food and talk.

It's amazing how sometimes, many times, ever too often, we underestimate and undervalue those closest, nearest, dearest to us all.

Dinner was a lot better than I expected. I had a chance to catch up with the other person who can finish my sentences and I was reminded of why we mesh so well together while I finished his.

We shared a dessert and nearly died with the Molten Lava Chocolate whatever it was, it was that good.

We went for a walk, like we used to do a million years ago. Eventually we headed back to the dorms and watched SNL and chilled on the couch.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.... although I pursue other interests and although I have hopes of finding someone else, I would never be able to share the same bond with anyone else.

Here I was, sitting on the couch with my best friend and there was nowhere I'd rather be nor with anyone else.

I guess that certain people have that power over us.

Eventually we turned off the tv and just sat there, each one at one end of the couch and our feet meeting in between, laughing at our usual antics and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep next to my bestie... a guy whom I trust blindly, despite how wrong it may seem.
It's as though there is some protective bubble when we're together... like it's just him and I and we're a team and can truly rely on each other with the knowledge that neither is trying to fool the other.
For over 5 years, honesty has been our main rule.
Honesty to where it hurts, both ourselves and each other. Honesty because it tells us where we stand. Honesty because we'd rather know the truth as opposed to playing games.
So when I say, in all honesty, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with my head and my heart... I'm dead serious.

Is it possible to find the RIGHT person with ALL the possible WRONG circumstances and situations surrounding them?

Because it feels like I found him before I was ready to embrace the magnitude of what it implies....

I'm not ready for that kind of commitment just yet... I want to have fun... but... am I committing the clichéd thing everyone does, wanting to wild out before calling it a good run and settling for the best they could find?

Because that just really sounds wrong.... and I'd hate to be the one doing that...

And as much as I avoid the thought and try to avoid the reality behind it...

I love my best friend like no-one else...

and he loves me beyond words....

so what the hell am I doing?

If I'm all that you're looking for, 
tell me,
why is there a river streaming down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder 
all about 
your love
Love, love, love love....

After some time
it's something I find true.
Love, love, love, love
Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
Too many days I was afraid of love.
Love, love, love, love....

["Love, love, love (love, love)- As Tall as Lions ♥]

Refletions on Gravity and Gratitude

You can’t stop yourself from loving someone you shouldn’t but you can’t force yourself to love someone you’re better off with.

I got that phrase from here, at the The Bulleted Something ( a blog which I am kind of jealous of because I feel as though I should have come up with that first).
Why is it that as humans we are constantly tempted and lured by what we want but cannot have?
Why do we overlook what we get freely?
I have to wonder.
There are countless posts about me and Babes. Things of the past. A relationship that will never end: my best friend. The one who finishes my sentences and my jokes, the one who can comfort me, and ease me, the one who can soothe and relax me. The one who feeds off of my energy, who knows how to make me smile and whom I share so many memories with. He is -as of right now- the one man I trust. After knowing him for so long, and know how he and I share an indescribable bond, I am utterly open with him; I am vulnerable and sensitive and I believe he wishes no harm.
But as much as I love him, and believe me when I say I do; I can't force my curiosity out of me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head of wondering what else is out there, who else roams this world and what they are like, I can't stop asking myself if there is anyone in this world I could learn to trust and I could share a similar bond with.
Why is this? Why are we humans genetically encoded to not be content and satisfied with the things we already have in our head and hearts? Wouldn't we all be happier if we could learn to be that way?
Makes me think of John Mayer's song "Gravity". Here are the snippets that apply to this post:

"I'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart could stand
dream of ways just to throw it all away"

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good
and can't sustain what one half could
It's wanting more that's going to send me
to my knees"

Well folks, this is my queue. Just remember to be content and grateful with the many blessings you already have. I'm learning to do the same with mine.

Complexities of another day at work :/

so I'm at work. Working-ish. and I'm dreading being here because of sinus pressure. It makes me cranky and it also makes me rude, which I have admit is not a good quality due to my line of work: Customer Service.
MY allergy medicine has made me really really groggy. I feel like I'm a hazy daze, and although it makes me upset it's a good thing I'm not driving with this frame of mind.
It is cold as fudge here and that isn't helping much with anything. I just ate two bowls of nachos while working and I can't even account for it, cuz I can't rememeber eating them. yikes.

I could just leave.... but the in-box is ridiculously full and I have a million tickets to close and update and something tells me that I won't be done with all by 8pm, considering it's 6:45 already.
Maybe I should stay and just try to exist while I pretend I'm busy so I'm not on the phone queue.
Or maybe I should just go home and wrap myslef up in my sheet and call it a day, pass out, and get some rest. OR MAYBE.... I could get off work early and meet H.a.S. and Sabrina, and Chris and go out downtown to the Westin and eat tapas as we watch the city slowly turn around us.
Maybe I don't feel so bad anymore!
Ok, I do feel bad. I feel sick. I don't want to work, but I'm not THAT sick that I can't hang out and eat.
Alright so sue me! I want to leave early to go out instead of working. It's not like I called out! I've only called out once, in 9 months of working here, I can at least try to slip an early leave, using my EXISTING and DETERRING allergy symptoms as an excuse -er I mean, reason, to leave.

So it's now 6:51 and I realize that IF I want any chance to actually leave by 8:30 or 9, I should at least TRY to get the in-box down, if not much, a little. I guess I better go and make myself useful. Damn.
~> to be continued...

**************************************************************************************
10:15pm rolls around and I still feel like crap
By now all kinds of changes have come along on their own.
I'm really actually sick, fever, coldness, weakness, tiredness, lack of appetite, everything.
Sabrina, Chris and Joey decided against going to the Westin since they are leaving really really early tomorrow.
H.a.S. and I were still going once I got off work early, but I wasn't able to. According to the supervisor (whose name makes me scold and squint my eyes in anger), someone called out and I would be the only person on the phone lines for iH between 9 and 11... So there is no way on earth I can leave a minute before 11:30, sick or not.
It infuriates me that despite the evil "supervisor's" "claim", SEVERAL of my co-workers are here on duty for iH, so OBVIOUSLY it wasn't the case that I would be the only one on the phone lines.
I'm cranky and crummy and whinny, I know.
I told H.a.S not to come over to the office and bring soup and keep me company cuz I know my temper and I know I'm going to be spiteful to him; even when we both know he had really nothing to do with any part of anything really... :/ I sawries I'm a pain sometimes.
Anyway, I suppose it's safe to say I've done my blogger duties today with my 3 posts, and made up for at least a part of my prolonged absence in the recent past...
So I'll rest my head on the back of my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring for the next hour and I will also admit I might possibly fall asleep. Whatever man.
Ok, so I won't fall asleep but I'll stream music on pc, which will be just as bad anyway cuz I'll slow down the network and the phone queue. haha.
(spiteful I tell you, spiteful)

-Jezz

The balancing act

SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)

After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.

As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.

That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]

Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.

Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.

Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.

More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!

-ttys

Looong Weekend

I have to admit this weekend has been nothing short of surreal...
I am at a point where I feel like I stepped into the Twilight Zone (and after hearing soozi talk repeatedly about Twilight, who would'nt?!)
There is just SOOO MUCH TO SAY, I don't even know where to begin.
I also have a whole crazy lot of emotions going on around my head and my heart, which make things aot more difficult. I want to be honest and fair though, so I'll give myself some time to put things together and make my words cohesive and coherent...
but damn... so much in so little time!

Letting go of Me

oh goodness my dear turtle... the things you do to me!

After reading your last blog post, I have finally, finally, finally found the words that will explain the mystery of me. I have come across the missing piece you had strived for incesantly.

Let me explain (and for the record, there is a 25¢ fee for my thoughts!).

I want to hand you my heart. Completly. And I haven't been able to explain why I haven't done it yet.

See, here is the thing.... My mind is at peace with you...
...but only because my heart has a little tiny corner, the piece of me that is critical for survival, and it's guarded within; in a watchtower with gates and barbed wire and snippers all around.

I've kept this little corner for myself... because I know the power that lies inside it. It contains what little innocence I have left in me; the child we all carry inside that never grows; the part of us that will naively believe anything that is told to us, the part of us that will hope against all odds and that still believes in magic.

You see, that little piece of me is what I had given him freely, innocently, while I was oblivously in love.
After all was said & done in the story of him and I... I learned my lesson.
I can still say that I can love freely, and that I trust you completly....
... but I don't do it blindly; like I once did.

THAT is the reason I don't fear much, that I can trust you so easily, that I understand how you feel, and why you ask me so much: I was there, and I built my defenses against falling there again.

There is that small corner, that little piece of my heart that keeps me together, keeps me sane.
It's almost like I'm not putting my whole <3 in your basket, so to speak.
I'm not saying I don't trust you nor that I don't see a future in out relationship: I do, and I do.
It's just that I've learned that this little magical piece of me is what keeps me from falling apart when times get rough and things go sour.

It's what makes me, the trooper I am.

And I know that in giving it to you, in relinquishing that power, I put myself, absolutly, completly, entirely in your hands.

You've learned by now that I'm a pretty private person. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything, it's more along the lines of me enjoying the quietude of privacy, the joy of not being exposed...
But I love the way you find all the layers of me, and peel them off one by one, slowly, steadily.
I love how you endlessly try to figure out this insane mind of mine.
I love how you crave to know me, all of me: my thoughts, my habits, my mind, my routines, my heart.

And I want to give my heart to you. I feel like I am ready to trust you with it (still; take me one step at a time though!) I feel like I can open my hand and place my heart in yours. I have known I could since the very begining, since the wonderful days of wishy-washy (lol) ... but I'm comfortable with it now. I'm capable of letting go calmly, without that fear, without feeling like a deer in headlights, without being terrified about my desicion. I feel like I'm ready to let go of me; completly.

I hope that seeing all the shades of me, every side, every quirk doesn't overwhelm you; that knowing about all the mushyness housed inside me isn't going to send you into a panic; that realizing the concentration of feelings in that little piece of me won't send you away, because that would ultimatly prove why I kept it to myself in the first place.

I hope you handle it, cause it's coming for you.

I'm giving you my heart, and not only just a piece...

<3