Monday, August 31, 2009

Once again talking to Jacob wannabe

Where do I begin with this one?

Much to my dear friend Ally's chagrin, I have continued to talk to Jacob Wannabe.
For those of you who wonder, I did NOT see him at the fam affair.
It's actually a pretty interesting story...
See, he decided to go to Rome, GA to visit PB at her college campus and stay for the weekend.
I got word of this, and decided to go to the family affair, fully knowing he WOULD NOT be there :)
(for the curious ones, I went to Habitat, I went to the pool for a couple hours, and I then went to the fam affair. No, I couldn't settle for just one of the above, I'm an over-achiever lol)
It was fun, hug out with some friends, ate plenty of Dominican food, and desserts, took a pic with an enormous amount of people quite possible twice my age (lol) and showed "the parents" a youtube clip dubbed "Dominican Family Guy" which ensued so much laughter that my mom fell off a chair and couldn't talk for a minute because of it. (yeah, my mom would go and take the cake! lol)
Anyhow, Jacob wannabe was unaware that I knew he would be in Rome. So sunday night, I'm at work, as usual, and we start to chat on FB.
He asks if I went to the fam affair, and how it went. I told him it was pretty cool, and asked him what he did.
He decided to lie and said he was with one of his friends (who in fact, was at the fam affair) and that he chilled on campus. I decided to end the conversation by saying, "Well, I hope you had fun in Rome with PB" and logged off the chat.
This caused him to text me apologizing, and I just called him a douche and told him to STFU, to which he actually listened to.
Two weeks passed, he apologizing by text messages every other day.... and I mean literally, every other day at 9:00 am, waking me up in a friggin panic on my days off from school when I get to sleep in, and sorta kinda begged to see me. lol. I'll admit I enjoyed the attention.
Anyhow, Friday night I found myself bored, and hungry and not in the mood to do much anyway, so when he texted around 10 asking to pick me up from work and offering to buy me midnight Taco Bell (a continuous habit I continue to indulge in, and would not trade for the world), I said heck why not; of course, after debating if I should and discussing possible scenarios that might ensue with CoccoSooz, and having her tell me I need to lay down the law (I know, wtf?!)
Since my office has moved it's location, he got lost in the way, and I had to walk from the main exit to the back one in order for him to find me. I then proceeded to guilt trip him for it too. lol.
Anyhow, we ended up going through the drive thru, and then parking in front of the pool, and eating at the gazebo in front. He actually watched the youtube video that made my mom fall off her chair and laughed so much he choked on his food (lol) and we talked plenty. He remind me that the offer for the Salsa class is still on, and so is the Sky-diving as well. I agreed to doing both, and reminded him that we have yet to go to six flags and get on the rides, so we agreed to go sometime next month and get our money's worth for the season passes we bought two months ago.
He (once again) apologized about the whole lot of drama and BS he seems to drag along with him, and I just told him IDC WTF he decides to do his his gf, xgf, whatever she might be.
He did hug me, but no attempts to cross the line. Yes, the invisible wall between us still exists.
Anyhow, after about an hour of talking, I called it a night and decided to go home. The end.

All in all, even though the guy is a douche and is most certainly not made for any kind of relationship whatsoever, as a friend, he's pretty good. Just like Jacob.

Catch y'all laters!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Effin Raffy

Soozi, has been my best friend for years.
Even though she gets on my nerves sometimes. Even though she can be a self-centered bitch sometimes. Even when she is demanding as fuck. Even when she can literally, be a pain in the ass.

You can say we've been thorough plenty. She living with a foot on a plane, and I just laughing at her random adventures. She being a catalyst for my random escapades, and I being the voice of reason.

And then there is the story of Effin Raffy.
Raffy is one of Babes' best friends. Part of the Club Nintendo entourage (Can you guess why we called them that?!)
Effin Raffy is a cutie. He's got that rock band cute dude look to him, which I think is adorable. Deceptively adorable.
It all started with Raffy and Sooz when we realize he turned a bright shade of red every time she stood next to him. SO we took that as a funny tool, and decided to mess with him. What we didn't foresee was them actually becoming friends and Soozi eventually falling for him.
So they sorta kinda dated, and she was pretty much head over heels. The problem arose when we realized that he just liked her a lot, no love involved.
And then, after sorta dating Soozi for a couple months, he decides to say, hey I've had a gf for a couple years, and I love her.
Sadly, soozi would still sorta date him... until he stood her up to sorta date someone else.
Then end of the effin raffy story. It also ended with Soozi crying her eyes out and eating chocolate ice cream and becoming a hermit for months, and getting drunk and staring at the surf wall, and plenty of midnight conversations.
It's kinda sad to say, but Soozi has never fallen in love ever since. She has dated, she has gone out, and liked plenty of people, but nothing of any serious consequence or involvement.
But, as fate would have it, Raffy came to Miami to visit. And she secretly pleaded with the universe to have him decide to come to GA. Ultimately, he decided to NOT come to GA in favor of hanging out in Miami doing nothing. Soozi has been pretty down since then, and monday we are having an honorary tequila drunk night in order to pay tribute to the new surf wall.
I feel like I'm in High school again. o_O

Falling in love is a complicated issue for a woman. Why is it so?
If we made a collective effort and devoted this much time and mental resources on eradicating some deadly disease, you can certainly believe it'd be long gone by now.

Human nature is confusing and senseless, but I suppose it's safe to say it's eingeineered to ensure the sustainment of the species... Cuz if women didn't fall in love, and men just decided to randomly fuck and women decided to stick to abortions cuz she doesnt want to have a child by some Joe Schmo... well... we'd all be gone before we were really here.

Catch yall laterz

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The knight in shining armour

You know how I always say I want to be your knight in shining armor? The thing about it is that you're so self-reliant that you never give me the chance to come to your rescue.

Well Damn.
I have always prided myself in being independent and self reliant. I am not one to play the victim role, and I am not a princess waiting to be rescued. You can say in a way, that I am Fiona from Shrek.
I was actually kinda hurt when I heard these words. I'm not too sure why. I mean, aren't independent women much more easier to live with, to maintain, to endure?
If I weren't the way I am, I would feel like a child that needs to be tended to. If you are capable of doing whatever, then I can do it myself as well. I have always had that approach. So why are men threatened when a woman knows her potential and is not afraid or ashamed of it?

Monday, August 24, 2009


"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience ...-- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death." - Robert Fulghum.

Friday, August 21, 2009

"Cannibal Girl" - Head Automatica

She told me all the things she knew,
you give her one she'd reach for two
The cold war on the sofa is getting closer

And she's the hardest thing to do,
when the mantis in her preys on you
An appetite fit for a king and his love

I don't wanna bore you but here I go again, cannibal girl
You've been eating me alive
I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl

So lately Ive been meaning to,
say a few things to you
She gets all the good attention and I get honored with the mention
And she's the hardest thing to do,
when the mantis in her preys on you
An appetite fit for the kids you love

I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl
You've been eating me alive
I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl

And that's what hearts are for
You give her one she breaks more
Its the changing of the guards
And I'm the last one to know when its all just for show
and I'm trying to be so Hard

I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl
you've been eating me alive
I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl
you've been eating me alive
I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl
you've been eating me alive
I don't wanna bore you but here I go again cannibal girl

Thursday, August 20, 2009


All I wanted was a simple thing, a simple kind of life...
I ended up with one quite far from it. Monotonous, but not simple. lol.
hell, what do I know.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Next Saturday


I have an interesting situation to ensue next Saturday. Well, in all honestly it's more like a minor dilemma whether or not to let a situation ensue next Saturday.
See, it's rather simple.
I usually volunteer at Habitat for Humanity on Saturdays. It's actually rather fun. I have skipped a couple days and gone out with my friends instead, and still said I would be at Habitat, just cause it's easier than having to explain where I'm going and with whom, and what I'm going to do, blah blah blah.
I was still planning on going to Habitat next Saturday, you know, nothing major. Then my friends invited me to hang out by the pool, which I was kinda debating over. I would be cool going and making the most of what's left of summer... but then my mom mentioned something that got me thinking.

[Oh the irony. I got interrupted by a text message from Jacob wannabe. well Damn.]

Mom mentioned that next Saturday we've been invited to her friend's house for friend's husband's birthday. It's a family function.
If y'all have read anything about my posts of Jacob wannabe... it's that we met through family friends. The thing next Saturday is going to be precisely at the house we met... at one of his best friend's house. He is more than likely going to be there... possibly with PB.
Me being spiteful as I am, am SO far beyond tempted to show up for an couple hours and then leave... just to see his face when he sees me... and of course the chance to see PB in person (and show off how much BETTER I am) is something I'd hate to miss.

So now I have 3 options:
a) Habitat
b) Pool with friends
c) Family Function

oh damn.
And here goes the irony of everything. I would be interrupted from listening to my new favorite band while typing up this post by a text msg from Jacob wannabe...

I swear I try to be good, and Fate just sets me up and gives me all the reasons and tools to misbehave... Lol.
So what do you guys think I should do and what is the most likely thing I will actually end up doing?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Refletions on Gravity and Gratitude

You can’t stop yourself from loving someone you shouldn’t but you can’t force yourself to love someone you’re better off with.

I got that phrase from here, at the The Bulleted Something ( a blog which I am kind of jealous of because I feel as though I should have come up with that first).
Why is it that as humans we are constantly tempted and lured by what we want but cannot have?
Why do we overlook what we get freely?
I have to wonder.
There are countless posts about me and Babes. Things of the past. A relationship that will never end: my best friend. The one who finishes my sentences and my jokes, the one who can comfort me, and ease me, the one who can soothe and relax me. The one who feeds off of my energy, who knows how to make me smile and whom I share so many memories with. He is -as of right now- the one man I trust. After knowing him for so long, and know how he and I share an indescribable bond, I am utterly open with him; I am vulnerable and sensitive and I believe he wishes no harm.
But as much as I love him, and believe me when I say I do; I can't force my curiosity out of me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head of wondering what else is out there, who else roams this world and what they are like, I can't stop asking myself if there is anyone in this world I could learn to trust and I could share a similar bond with.
Why is this? Why are we humans genetically encoded to not be content and satisfied with the things we already have in our head and hearts? Wouldn't we all be happier if we could learn to be that way?
Makes me think of John Mayer's song "Gravity". Here are the snippets that apply to this post:
"I'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart could stand
dream of ways just to throw it all away"

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good
and can't sustain what one half could
It's wanting more that's going to send me
to my knees"
Well folks, this is my queue. Just remember to be content and grateful with the many blessings you already have. I'm learning to do the same with mine.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Worst Best Hardest

Post secret has most definalty some charm to it.
It makes me realize that we are al fcing the same issue, in some degree or another

This is exactly what Babes is doing.

New Diggs at work

Yeah, new offices. **Pics coming soon**
They're ok I suppose.
I'm kinda starting to get tired of this job, and that's something I can't allow myself to do. I see no future growth opportunities, and I specially don't see myself applying the knowledge from my major here. Not a major disappointment, just not uplifting in any way.
The new diggs are further from home. About a 20 minute drive, as opposed to a 10 minute one. I have to admit we've been pretty lucky with our jobs, because they have all been quite near to home.
The thing about the new diggs is that we went from 3 person cube divisions will full walls, to individual cubicles that are divided at seat level. Meaning, literally, transforming into a call center. Major downer for me. I feel as though it was a downgrade for the staff, but hey, maybe that's just me.
The cubicles are also organized by work areas, so I won't be sitting near Carolyn anymore. She'll be sitting, facing me, two rows away. Sad Sad Sad. Big Momma used to scold, laugh, listen and advise me on everything you could think of. At least she'll be a holler away, right?
There is not an ounce of privacy anymore. While on the floor, anybody and everybody is visible. Which is something NOT cool with me at all. This means that I am now going to have to reduce my web surfing and actually WORK -gasp!- lest I risk getting fired, which is kinda not cool.
I do however, have a panoramic view of ... trees. There is a lake in that general direction, but since I'm sitting and there are another 3 rows of cubicles ahead of me, all I see are trees. And the office window of the COO. Great.
The company is now also changing names, and steering towards a more -call center- like appearance and operation, and it's kind of a shame for me. I guess, it's kinda that time again. After a year working at Gap, I was getting tired and depressed, the same thing that's happening now. After a year and a half, I started looking for another job. In the economy we are in, I can't afford to get a lesser-paying job, or to lose the one I have, so it looks like I might be here for a while. That does not, however, undermine the feeling of dread I get nowadays when I have to sit at work and well, work here.
Oh damn.
Anyhow folks, I gotsa get to work. Catch y'all later chumps.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

A good reason to tone down the texting.. (o_0)

Yesterday turned out be a random day of sorts. Everything was going fine, i guess, until my math class rolled around and of course, the one day I understand everything and am not bored out of my mind, I get repeatedly disturbed by random BS.
It IS after all, a four hour class... the four hours sent from hell if you ask me.
Anyhow, it all started like this:
I got out of Des105, hung out with Dj and Babes, London and Magic 8 (people I know from campus). Ate some food, took an energy drink. Went to Math class, and texted Jacob wannabe.
Yes the infamous sorta kinda something or another guy I've been hanging out with.

Before the odyssey of a four hour class really began, I drank the energy drink, which if you ask me, tasted like shit. Considering he drinks these things like water, I asked him htf he managed to do that. He answered back, and a slow conversation ensued. Mind you, I am in the middle of class, texting under the desk while looking at the teacher and somewhat participating in the nonsense people these days call trig.
Anyhow, I randomly get a text saying, and I quote from my Inbox:
"So when are we gonna have sex again?"
UHM!!! WTMFFF?!?!?!
I should I figured at this point that this was headed the wrong direction. But oh nooo! I decided to engage in this obvious madness because, fyi No, I did not (and the whole situation that ensues from this text has assured that WILL NEVER happen) sleep with the guy.
So I text back saying I seriously doubt that's going to happen.
In an awkward-psycho like twist, he says: But you'd like to?
again.. WTF?! I tell him I like you and I'm not getting myself into a situation I can't handle.

=Brief Intermission=
In my previous post about Jacob Wannabe, I mentioned he had a gf.
On the get-go, I stated clearly that we are nothing but friends and I would not get involved in any kind of drama or shenanigans of sorts.
Somewhere in between then and now, they broke up *cough BULLSHIT cough* but were still "talking to each other" (please note these are some of the reasons why not much has been heard of Jacob wannabe recently. I mean, c'mon, do you IDIOT placed over my forehead?!)
Anyhow, based on the status change (which I doubt ever took place) conversations ensue about relationships passed, and things were said. Nothing of any consequence. Nonetheless, I maintain my original intentions: I'm not getting involved, and whatever, life moves on. Or something like that.
During one of our times hanging out with friends, it came to the light that his now ex, was somewhat of a manipulative kinda crazy person... not by his words, but by his friends... all 7 of them. I mean, I know guys will be guys, and of course they will talk smack and exaggerate; but when they congratulated him on getting his balls back because he finally stood up for himself and ended a relationship that had been on the demise for what seemed like a while; a girl's gotta wonder.
=Continuing the story=

Anyhow, he gets this insane desire to know if I'd like to and I made a point that 1. I am not his fuck buddy and will never be, and 2. that he needs to go fuck Psycho Bitch (his now "ex". Why the name? you'll figure it out)
He insisted that I'd better. UHM... okay... Soooo, who was a vivid inappropriate imagination? (o_O)
In somewhat of a smart ass moment, I reply that better implies ALOT more than an occasional lunch and a couple text messages.
No answer from Jacob wannabe.
I text back again saying "not much to say now? yeah I thought so too."

He then says PB texted everything before.... but I was too caught up telling him a couple things... and I quote from my Outbox:
"So thank you for proving me right. It's a damn shame, but hey: at least I know I was right all along.
Cuz honestly, let's be real. Did you ever really break up with PB? Probably not. That said, go running back to her while you still can get laid, if that's what you need...
Cuz let me put it out clear for you: Neva Eva gonna get it. You proved exactly why I can't and won't trust you. Good Job Jacob wannabe!"

At this point I read the message where he stated he just got back his phone, and that PB had it all this time before.... Instant in which I feel blood boil over me, and I start seeing red, and I can't hear anything... mind you, I'm still in class, it's a privilege and a shame I know my keyboard so well (lol).

Then, to interrupt the whole thing, I get a message from my mom. My brother, the brilliant creature I see maybe once a week even though we all live in the same apartment, has decided to get into his own kind of shenanigans. Messing with the law kind of shenanigans. Older sister role clicks in, and I leave class, and talk to my mom and somewhat figure out what needs to be done. or something of that nature, and try to avoid the though of slapping my brother around when I get a hold on him. But anyhow, let's leave the fam out of this.

So, after reading this last msg, I am FUMING, as in about to break shit kinda angry. It suddently dawns on me that, hey, I'm pretty sure it's still her talking BS... but maybe I'm wrong. The combumtion of things are starting to pile up, it's 9:00pm, and I've only got 4 hours worth of sleep from the night before, which doesn't add for much mental clarity.
I've already left the classroom, and decided to stay out. So I responded to Jacob wannabe/PB that THAT was a lame excuse, and I didn't want to know more. I then added that he need not call me until he takes care of his shit with PB; that I don't like or need any drama but that if it came down to it, I would fuck her up. (yea, I'm a gansta bitch like that. Have you ever seen an angry latina? You don't wanna. We mix white chick crazy with some Ghetto shit... lol)

I proceed to smoke a cigarrette. Mind you, I do not smoke... ever. I cooled down for a little bit. Talked to Magic 8 for a bit. Talked to Babes for a bit, and that helped plenty. I was still pretty wound up about the whole situation, but I managed to talk some of it off.
Turtle text me asking if I was ok, I stated that I would be staying outside, and asked him to let me know when class was over; and he said ok.

In the meantime, PB answered, again from Jacob wannabe's phone, saying, and I quote from my inbox, yet again:
"Sweetie if you think you can take me then you feel free to try. Although I have to say at least I'm not a fucking easy lay and by the way that was me just messing the whole time. Cause I thought it would be funny. Just goes to show how easy you really are!"

UHM. Did I ever say I slept with him? NO. Did I ever engage in such activities? NO.
So can someone please tell me why the hell this heffa talking bout shit she don't know about?! In my anger, I end up breaking the cigarette I was smoking by accident, which kinda pissed me off a bit more.
At this point, even though I know I could mention some of the things said during my conversation with Jacob wannabe in regards to relationships past, I decide not. I stand by my original thoughts of not getting involved. So what if she's some crazy chick who's kinda stalkerish if you ask me. I still decided to mess with her mind a bit and not clarify that I didn't sleep with him, not because I care what she thinks about me (because I don't) but because I knew it would certainly make her mind wander and wonder if I ever did.

I responded that I'm not wasting my time on her, and told her not to talk shit about what she doesn't know. In an attempt to disengage from the whole situation, I ended my response with Have a nice life. (lol I know, kinda pathetic, but IDC)
She responded: "Oh but why when bitches like you are so easy. And my life will be nice with my lovely boy."
I must admit I got the last laugh, and in all honesty, it was a good one. I ended the conversation with "Yeah, you go SETTLE for THAT. lol"

At this point, class has ended, Turtle texted me, I went to get my stuff, and Turtle had also taken some notes for me, which I must admit was really really nice. I head home on the shuttle. I take the train. I call mom. I take the bus. I get off at my usual stop to wait for mom.
Jacob wannabe calls. At this point, I don't know if it's him or PB, but I answer anyway.
Fuck it. Bring it on bitch.
He tells me he just left her house, and that he was soo soo sorry.
I let him apologize. Asked him if he had anything else left to say, and he said he was sorry again. I told him : "Yeah... about that. I don't have much to say. I'll talk to you whenever I talk to you. Have a nice life" and hung up.
He texted again saying he was sorry.

In all honesty, I suppose it's not really his fault. But then again, I said the WHOLE time, I didn't want any part or piece of this kind of crap. In hindsight, even when I clearly stated I didn't want to get involved in all this drama, I did the minute I went out with him in a sorta kinda something like a date even though he has a gf. I suppose this is the part where I acknowledge that I brought this upon myself or something... *shrug*

I got home. Ate dinner.
I decided to ask him if he had read the conversation or if PB had erased all the mgs. He said she had erased everything and he swore he had no idea what she said and that what he said over the phone was the truth.
I told him I would forward him the whole conversation so he would know why I won't be talking or hanging out with him again.
He responded saying: "ever again? So you want nothing more to do with me?"
I just forwarded the messages from both sides.

Anyhow, this was the official demise of our whatever it was:
-"Wow. I'm so sorry about all of that. I don't think of you in that way at all. Plus, we just talked about how we're only gonna hang out with friends and not go on dates. I swear to you that's not who I am. Especially to you. I completely understand if you never wanna see me but please let us be friends whenever you wanna talk to me again. You're an absolutely stunning person and I'd hate to lose you completely. I'm sorry."
***"Yeah... I don't know... I feel shamed and scorned for the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do: get involved between you two. And that's the gem that is your girlfriend."
-"We are broke up, but you are right, I am still talking to her. You deserve to be the only girl, not the other girl, and I'm so sorry for putting you in that position. I hate that this happened to you."
***"Anyhow, at this point, I haven't got much to say... I think it's best you deal with whatever bullshit you two have going on, cause I WILL fuck her up if I get a chance.
And about being friends? Maybe. Not for now. But at least know you know why. Ttly"
-"Ok. A maybe is good enough for me. Thank you..."

The End.

***Names have been changed to reflect my anger and maintain some degree of respect for my privacy (not her personal identity).

So... Wow.. Interesting.
Why did I chose to cut him off cold turkey instead of just ignoring the whole situation? I'm not quite sure, but something in my head told me it was the right choice. (maybe it was the voice of reasoning or the echo of my mother's words resonating, I dunno.) I just decided to remove myself from further drama, and like I said before, the minute I decided to go on that single, infamous date with him, I got involved.
In a sense, I'm pretty clear that he didn't quite have a role in the drama. However, who the fuck leaves their phone within reach of a well-known manipulative ex gf, even if you're "still friends"?
And her. Don't get me started. I have a strong dislike for bullshit, drama, and all around bitchass-ness. But that was just two steps too far for me. I just hope I never get to see her.. cuz it's on, b!

Anyhow, it is now past midnight, and I gotsa get ousta here... But some questions remain to be answered... did I really bring this upon myself? Was my anger out of line? Or was it well deserved?

Friday, August 07, 2009

Wise words from a wise man

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask oursleves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Nelson Mandela
1994 Inaugural speech

Enough said!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Another day in the life :)
I'm actually kinda happy today.
Never mind the fact that I have very few hours of sleep behind my eyes, and that I had to come into work at 8am to get some training done (inhumane considering I don't get home til 11 on Wednesdays and then have to do school work, usually until I crack at 2 am), and the fact that I have yet to eat breakfast despite the fact that it's almost 5 pm and I have another 7 hours of work to go.
I am happy. (My mood swings scare the crap outta me sometimes though.)

Jacob wannabe is going to Florida this weekend, so I don't have to deal with the constant struggle of liking him but not letting myself like him too much.

Babes moved out of his dorm, and moved in with one of his friends from Georgia.

Last night's class with Has wasn't bad at. Matter of fact, last night's class wasn't bad at all. Considering it's a math class, and my mathematically impaired brain, and the fact that I understood everything (well, almost everything) was awesome. Austin (another math team mate) and I had some decent conversation in breaks, ranging from his wife and daghter to my brothers and school and of course how awful math is and even some latin american food he's tasted with his wife's cooking.

Next friday is the Incubus concert (YEAH!!!) and I can't wait, since I have tickets to the pit, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STAGE (Loving my life about that :D) and a I'm taking a salsa class is September, which will be kinda fun too, considering my partner is gonna be Jacob wannabe.

My carpel tunnel is back too :/ and to make matters worse, it's also affecting my sketches a bit.
Oh, and now that I remember, I left my sketchbook on campus last night, in the math room. I didn't notice until I was halfway home, at which point, it was pointless to try to get back to campus because it was closed. I called some friends and they told me they'd try to get it today, but I haven't heard any word that it's been secured. That sketch pad has all my sketches for Figure Drawing. As in, hundreds of one minute sketches, dozens of five minute sketches and a couple of ten minute sketches of live models; which of course, I won't be able to re-do. Bummer.
I'm not letting that get to me though.

I'm happy today and bent on enjoying that.
I do have to work though, so I'll catch y'all later :P


Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Emo rambling over fearing the future.

We can be a beautiful tragedy as we hold hands and fade into the sunset
Maybe somewhere along the line, thoughts were confused,
boundaries were blurred.
I thought sincerely thought we would spend our lives together.

I'm not sure what I believed
I guess you could say
led me to think everything would be ok
even in the moments I would get stomach-churning thoughts of what if
usually in the middle of your monologue conversations with me
and I've come to the conclusion that I'm used to having "Powers that Be"
in control of my life and destiny.
I look into my future and I don't see independence and freedom
I see a chain and ball tying me down
I see moral responsibilities, I see persistance and struggle
I see hope deception and disappointment
I fear my future.
I fear the uncertainty. I fear the thought that I have to go meet my future unknowing and unprepared.
I panic at the thought of the rest of my life, and I have yet to understand why.
I feel as though I'm tied down, like I completely skipped a decade of my life and ended up with a family to maintain and support and I see my own hopes and ambitions pushed down to a second plane, where things go to be forgotten, dreams deffered, relegated, gathering dust.
My heart feels like an abandoned home, like it was forgotten all together.
I fear that I will stay. and stay. and stay.
that i will stay in this sick sad situation and bear up with it, and let go of the dreams of independence and travel and adventure and excitement
I fear it will never go away, that these circumstances will remain the same for all of time and I will end up crying endless tears over the one thing no-one can ever get back: time.

No hay mal que dure 100 años ni cuerpo que lo resista.
Entonces, o el mal no dura 100 años, o el cuerpo no lo resiste?
Soy lo suficientemente fuerte para resistirlo 99?

"Even the sand is made of seashells"- Thursday
It's just another of those emo days for me, yet again.
Maybe I do need counseling. Is it normal to have these random mood swings, and feeling like an icy-hot liquid pours inside me repeatedly?
I'm thinking about death again. Bad idea, I know.
The sad part is that I'm at a point where even if I did have the intention to act on it, I wouldn't do it to avoid being the burden.

La parabola del hijo prodigo.
The story of the prodigal son. I am the eldest, literally and figuratively.
I had to take a break from writing this, because even the thought of this makes me cry.
I am the eldest, the one who stayed, the one who endured, and remained. The one who held things down, the one gave up freedom.
That is something mom will never understand because she isn't the one who stayed. She left, she got married, she had kids, she did her own thing.
I see Dude and I see the prodigal son, making his own choices, living his life, while I stay here, miserable. While I remain with a pride that feels like a stab in the heart, the spear that took away the life of my dreams. While I wonder what it feels like, wonder if the air is any sweeter, if the sun shines any brighter from doing as you wish, knowing that it probably feels that way.

.... to be continued.
I have a vast empty feeling in my heart that isn't getting any better with this thought.
I'm sad, and gloomy and just plain depressed.

"I know there are better days ahead, but oh this darkness looms around me, casting shadows, weighting burdens that make it impossible for me to walk away".... The words fit in more ways than one (._.)
Sorry for the rambling. :/