Friday, October 30, 2009

Soul meets body ♥

"Soul Meets Body"

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Bike dude

Dear Bike dude,

I don't know your name.
Let's start at the fact that we rode the same bus and the same train
 for over a year and even though we never spoke, we were both fully aware of each others presence. I say this because, well, you'd race me to the door and up the stairs every time we'd get to the station. I always hated that, bike and everything, there would be times you'd beat me to the train, however I'll admit that this unspoken competition was, a couple times, the highlight of my day, and for that, I pay tribute to it on this post.
One of the last time I saw you, a couple of months back, I took a candid picture of you. kind of stalker-ish, I know, but in all honesty, not ill- intentioned. I just wanted a memory.
Nowadays, I take an earlier bus, to catch my torturous 8am class, to which I am always 15 minutes late, and I never see you. I did, recently though, decide to skip the 8am class and ended up taking a later bus. I wondered if I would see you, and I did. And although we don't talk, the competition was on and running again.
It's these little things that make life worth living. ♥.
I don't know if or when I'll see you again; and for that matter, I don't know if we'll ever talk, but it's been a good competition.


The thought that officially ended dating Jacob Wannabe

Well dearest readers, the day has come!

I have FINALLY! pulled the plug on the Jacob Wannabe saga.
How!?! you ask; what has finally triggered the change?! (I know y'all aren't gonna ask why, cuz if you are ya haven't read a thing on the Jacob Wannabe story)
Anyhow, as I was saying, I finally stumbled upon a though that made me change my whole perspective on the dating-ish whatever it is we're doing:
 "What would my grandmother say if she knew at least parts of the story?"
That changed my mind and my stance on everything about Jacob. See, it goes kinda like this.... My grandmother's favorite saying is Genio y figura hasta la sepultura. Basically, it means you should keep your character and your appearance impeccable to the grave.
Now, at this point in the story, I can't quite say I have... but I can't say I have not been graceful and respectable in the story.
However, I did hangout with him recently, and his actions and his demeanor were the usual, he's just a jerk by nature I suppose. This guy has the audacity to explain his new goal for the year: to completely break all ties to PB by the beginning of December.
Now, I'm being a little stupid here, but even I had to step in and just tell him that:
1) it's really fucked up that he's doing this
2) it's even more fucked up that he's telling me this
3) that he sees this as an accomplishment
4) that hanging out with him altogether makes me lose all faith in the male gender
5) that MAYBE, just MAYBE it would be a helluva lot easier (and faster, I might add) to just simple talk to her about the issue, explain himself and what he's feeling, and toodle-ooo be done with it.

Now, with that said, I came to the conclusion that, if the dude is doing this and telling me, God only knows what he's capable of and more than likely, he'd do the exact same thing to me.
On my way back home, I thought of how I'd explain all of this to my grandmother, and how she'd give me the "I cannot believe you have stooped so low" look, and truth be told, I can't even blame her.
For a 20 year old, I'll admit to having my life together: full time job, full time student, right hand to my single mother and fairy godmother to my little brother (whom I tend to spoil).
So, that said, can someone explain to me WHY the fuck (pardon the language) I'm wasting my time on someone who is quite obviously, rather far from my emotional mindset and independence level.... for pete's sake, he's still even getting an allowance! lol

All of this said, I also realized that being one of a bunch is not something I can live with, because he decided to be honest and explain that right now he's dating 3 different girls, and they are all from different countries, and they're all awesome. Okay dude... glad to know, but not really.

So, I'll keep it classy and keep it moving. There's a helluva lot more people in this world, and quite frankly, I'm starting to realize that sometimes we overlook the ones that really count.

Catch y'all later folks


Monday, October 26, 2009

More music to hit the heart

That day, he downloaded a bunch of songs on my computer, while I was still asleep. Later that night, while I was in one of my insomniac streaks, I played all the songs in my library, only to hear a bunch of songs I love and hadn't downloaded myself.

Many people say that love comes to a person by their eyes, others by the mouth (good food), but this story, my friends, had a killer playlist, from the very first day. We started taking over 3 doors down's "Kryptonite". lol.

This post is a placeholder for the actual playlist I made, with my re-discovered songs.
TO be completed soon ;)

-Catch ya later chumps!!


THE playlist- 5 years and counting

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Current mood:  mellow
The soundtrack to a never ending story
5 years in the making and i know that only you will understand it...

"kryptonyte" three doors down
"stupid girl" cold
"white flag" dido
"hollow life" korn
"ape dos mil" glassjaw
"understanding in a car crash" thursday
"box of sharp objects" the used
"mu empire" glassjaw
"mascara" deftones
"digital bath" deftones
"a certain shade of green" incubus
"epiphany" stained
"losing my religion" rem
"as you sleep" something corporate
"here without you" three doors down
"be quiet and drive" deftones
"unaffected" hoobastank
"the end of the world" the cure
"alt.end" the cure
"goodye for now" P.O.D.
"goodye to you" the used
"I miss you" blink182

"yesterday thru everything at me" athlete
"letters to you" finch
"seven years" saosin
"bury your head" saosin

"right here waiting" stained
"slowburn" revelation theory

"autumn's monologue" from autumn to ashes
"lucky you" deftones
"we're all theives" circa survive
"where'd you go?" fort minor

"handshakes at sunrise" circa survive
"saving me" nickelback
"seventeen" red jumpsuit apparatus
"thru the glass" stonesour
"everything changes" stained
"anti gravity love song" incubus
"wish you were here" incubus
"standing on the edge of summer" thursday
"rough hands" alexisonfire
"where no one knows" alexisonfire
"we're in this together" nine inch nails
"boiled frogs"alexisonfire
"forever" papa roach
"dig" incubus
"stars" hellyeah

This was a while back. WAAY back in a different lifetime it almost seems. A helluva lot has changed since, and I'll admit I haven't listened to the playlist since almost the time I published it... until this weekend.
I fell asleep watching a movie with Babes, as usual. Instead of finishing the movie, as he normally does, he put on the playlist and slept next to me. 
I woke up crying and confused. I mean damn. Even in my sleep, at an unconscious level, my affection for Babes is there.
Puzzled, he looked at me like I came from another planet, trying to figure out wtf had me sobbing. He held me and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and to be honest, even at this point I have no friggin idea why I burst into tears.
His opinion is that I, ever so reluctant to talk about feelings in general, let alone my own, with another living person, keep too many things bottled up inside me... and well, they eventually come out, one way or another.
My thought on it is that, in a way, I really miss what we had and how we were. I say this because I know, in my heart of hearts, that even if we were to try things again, it wouldn't be the same. Not because we wouldn't be trying, but because we're both in very very different situations and circumstances in our lives, and the love I once had for him: devoted, unconditional, blind and naive; is now gone. My love isn't a love of innocence and illusion. It's tough love.
Maybe that's what we both need right now. Maybe that's what make real love work in real life, I don't know.
But the tears from that day were tears of longing for its return. Maybe in time we'll both be able to reach a point where we're willing to try to work things out... for  now, all we can do is hope and take one day at a time!

Later folks

-Jezz ♥

What was meant to be a photo comment, but I couldn't admit to

mos def a good one. Sunny skies reflect in your eyes :)
May 26 at 7:43pm ·

thanks, i didn't notice that!
May 26 at 8:37pm

make this one profileeeee! it makes me smile!
September 13 at 7:30pm ·

This was originally meant to be a photo comment.... but I couldn't manage to put myself out there like that.

This is the one that keeps me coming back. Takes my memories back to what once was. Makes me think of better times. I miss this as much as you do... believe me. More than anything, I feel as though it's just wrong timing all around. Maybe in time things will fall back into place... maybe, maybe....

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

An update on the Jacob Wannabe Saga

This one is just a factual post, to keep the story rolling in with the develoments of the Jacob Wannabe Saga. It's a rather long story, so don't blame me for making it a bulleted list of the peak moments. and by peak I do not necesarily mean good.
  • Monday: we hung out, he had brought me ice cream, my fave flavor, and we watched a movie.
  • Tuesday: We cancel the skydiving plans for the weekend because of the Weekend weather forecast: rain, rain and more rain. We agree to hang out with the dominican crew, and some of his friends, and I agree to go to a stip club with them and one of the gf's of the guys. I still keep Sunday off from work, just to go the bday party with the fam.
  • Wednesday: Jacob un-invites me from going to the bday party the family is having for him, because PB is going to be there. His justification explanation? "Well, the rest of the dominican crew isn't gonna stay there, they're just passing by, so I don't want you to feel awkward with me and PB and my brother... besides, you're gonna be at work anyway, right?" about that...
  • Thursday: My mom tells me how Jacob's mom called to invite us to the official bday party to which I was un-invited. Needless to say, I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't going, in as little detail as possible of course. She laughed a bit though. I take up my Sunday shift again. Shit, might as well make good use of my time.
  • Midnight Thursday/ Friday early morning: I hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend (practically his brother), and the son of my mom's best friend here in ATL. He's a sweet heart. Out of desperation and boredom, he calls me to hang out with him after I get off from work. We watched some movies, ate a midnight snack and just talked about relationships, exes, friends, and of course, Jacob. Considering Pilot has dated some of Jacob's exes (kinda nasty but hey, whatever works, I suppose?) Jacob has always been rather paranoid about me and Pilot hanging out, even though we knew each other first. Pilot and I agree to not say anything about hanging out to Jacob, just to avoid the awkwardness.
  • Friday: After not talking to Jacob since the un-invitation, he decides to nag me into talking, and I blow up and say some rather.... not nice things about how he is an emmasculated little bitch and his being bitch slapped by PB. His reply? "I knoooow.... I just don't want to deal with it... I mean, it's my birthday"... Suit yourself birthday boy.
  • Saturday: There are several parts to this day, because we hung out alll day.
      -He picks me up, and we debate whether to stop and get food. We decide not to because he doesn't have his debit card. PB has it because she coerced him into paying some vet bills for her dog. WTF man?! I asked him to just not say her name... and then we call her She-who-shall-not-be-named. fml.
      -We go to Pilot's house. Jacob, Pilot, Dumdum (another one of the dominican guys) and me drive 30 minutes to an airport to pick up some stuff Pilot needs. On the way there, I just sketch. I was insanely out of it... Twilight zone, lala land, seemingly high-on-drugs-staring-into-space out of it. Pilot was worried it was because of Thursday, but I later told him it wasn't. Jacob avoided the subject
      -We're eating lunch, and PB sends him an email about why she's upset because he's decided to go to a strip club. He starts reading the email out loud and I leave the table cuz I'm pissed he keeps bringing her up. I get back to the table, and they sorta keep talking about it... by now we're calling her Voldemort. (yeah, I know, kinda funny, but still not cool).
      -We're back at Pilot's house. His phone is dying, so I let him borrow my charger. He dissapears for 2 1/2 hours to talk to PB while using my charger. I hang out with Pilot and avoid talking about the whole deal.
      -Jacob reappears, pissed like a MF, ready to break shit. There was rage in his eyes. The guys (Pilot and Dumdum) get him to sit and chill for a minute. I sit and just listen cuz it was a guy moment. Apparently, she gave him an ultimatum: "Come and see me, or go to the strip club and forget I exist". When he said he was going anyway, she changed it to: "Ok, go to the strip club; but come and see me first". Nevermind the 2 hour drive involved in that. He said he wouldn't. We head out to meet Jacob's friends. He catches me on my own, and apologize repeatedly about the whole thing.
      -We meet up with Jacob's friends,BlackWhite guy and is gf, American Kate Winslett and they're happy as ever to see me. Apparently, they thought they would never again hear from me, after the PB issues (shit, I should've proved them right on their assumptions). We head out to the strip club. He texts her the whooole way there.
      -He turns off his phone and we go in. Even though there were 3 table dances on his table (me and American Kate Winslett sit at another table next to them), he kept looking at me, and talking to me, and cracking jokes. I thought it was funny as hell to see the guys faces... I laughed the whole time we were there.
      -We leave the strip club. I'm falling asleep, and he starts playing with my hair... and kisses my forehead, and cradles me in his arm... but then then turns his phone back on, and starts texting PB again. I push his hand away and give him an evil look.
      -We get to Pilot's house, and hang out for a bit. Jacob is still texting. His voice is all deep and sad and just tired. We decide to leave.
      -Jacob drops me off, and apologizes again... He keeps nagging me to say whats on my mind, and I give him a piece of it. I call him out on being a jerk, sending mixed signals, being deceiving, driving me crazy, talking about PB all the damn time, and then wanting to be all lovey-dovey with me and flirt with me in front of the family. He looks so depressed, I decide to be nice and give him a hug. He tells me he'll call when he gets home.
      -He calls. He apparently stopped by PB's house on his way home (under a death threat, yet again). He says he called her out on her bs... but honestly... I don't believe it. He keeps apologizing. I feel sorry for him, and sad cuz I got caught up in this bs, when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
  • Sunday: You'd think that with all that happened, PB would NOT be invited... but she is. However, Jacob calls me first thing in the morning, and keeps telling me how he doesn't even want to be there around her. He asks me to hang out with him tomorrow afternoon, and I say ok (I know, I shouldn't have... but oh well). Later on, we have to cancel because he has an exam to study for and I have a poject to work on; but we take a rain check for Wednesday.
  • Monday: I spend the day with my besties, Cocco Sooz and Babes.We cook lasagna and bake brownies, and just hang out all day. Jacob texts all day, and begs me to save him a brownie. I did... but then I ate it :) He calls to say good night, and I'm randomly puzzled, happy and concerned all at once. He also tells me how PB expects him to pay all her dog's vet bills with his birthday money. Well damn. I just limit myself to telling him he's gonna have to man up and get his balls back... cuz seriously.
  • Tuesday: Jacob texts during the day, and keeps telling he he can't wait til tomorrow. He calls at 12:05 (He knows I get off work at 12:00) and tells me about his day. He also tries to casually throw in the fact that PB is well, psycho (like I didn't know that already). He tells me how she went through his fb page and saw that I posted HBD on his wall, and decided to go bzerk... uhm.... okkkayyy... and he also adds that she was gonna write a bunch of bs on my wall, but he convinced her not to... so she just deleted me from his friends. Ok seriously, WTF!!!!
Ok y'all... this was originally meant to be a short post, but I suppose it became rather extensive... so yeah... reading over it, I realize how AWFUL Jacob sounds on paper, and how much of an idiot I'm acting, but oh well... I'll just say I'm doing it for the story, for the sake of my Jacob Wannabe blog posts.
Feel free to try to smack some common sense into my mind with an rude comment. I'll take a couple of those in hopes that it'll actually work. I'm dead serious.

Catch ya later folks.


To the ones that fit the shoes, but ran away with them

For my dear friend Ally J; This one is for the ones that measured up and fit the shoes of what could have been; but ran away instead. :/ Habrán más en el camino! :)

 "Good enough"- Evansecence
Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

so take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Your Love

yo quiero... una vida simple

yo no pido riquezas en abundancia, solo lo justo. Enough to not worry, but also enough to keep me humble.
yo no pido una legion de "amigos". I only want those who cherish my friendship as I cherish theirs.
yo no pido un hombre perfecto. I want a man I can consider an equal, and know he sees me as the same.

["Your Love"- Ennio Morriconne ft. Dulce Pontes] <3

Hope is the beat to the human heart in the darkest hour of despair.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Me reservo el derecho

Can love truly conquer it all?
I highly doubt it. Call me a skeptic, call me pragmatic... pero amor no quita conocimiento.

El hecho de querer a alguien no quita que esa persona sea un degracio a la franca, y que "por amor" o cualquier bolseria de esas, implique que uno tenga que aguantarle mierda a nadie.
Pardon the language.

What I'm trying to get at is, that even though someone can love you to death and back, and vice versa, it does not mean that said person is the best person out there to be with. Love can only compensate for so much.
You can love me beyond words, love me in ways that are unheard of, love me to the point where you would give your life to me; but that doesn't obliterate everything else.
Like smoking weed.
or being jobless.
And Irresponsible. Immature. Inconsiderate.
Or for being selfish, and deceiving.

Love is a sublime emotion, and it can make us want a helluva lot from the opposite sex; but truth be told, love is not a justification for anyone to put up with someone else's shortcomings whatsoever.

Yo te puedo amar hasta mas no poder, pero simplemente no estar dispuesta a aguantar tu mierda, tus pendjadas, tus excusas, tu vagancia, tu inmadurez. Asi de sencillo. Y el hecho de que no lo aguante no quiere decir que te quiera menos, ni que no tengas el mismo effecto en mi como antes. Tus besos todavia me saben a cielo, tus abrazos me cambian el dia, dormir en tus brazos todavia me llena el alma, y andar contigo me pone a reir y a gozar.
Sin embargo, me reservo el derecho de exigir mas, por que doy mas. Me reservo el derecho de que, si yo puedo esforzarme y "set the bar high and exceed", tu tambien puedes. Yo me reservo el derecho de que, si no eres capaz de dar y desempeñar tanto como yo, decirte que sigas tu camino. No porque no te amo, sino porque simplemente no estamos a la par.
Y no es que eso sea malo tampoco, pero simplemente no es equitativo. Me being ridiculously set on equality between the genders, yo no cojo ese coro de que si fuera un hombre diciendo esto seria mas justo.
Me reservo el derecho de no aguantar mierda por amor a nadie.
I'm just being honest.
I reserve the right to be selective and hope to find someone who can be just as responsible -financially, morally, intellectually, and emotionally- as I am. I'm not saying I'm flawless, nor that I'm perfect. I don't place myself on a pedestal. I simply acknowledge the facts as they are.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Dammit, I swear he sets me up! (>_<)

Well damn, where do I begin?
My last post on Jacob wannabe involved hanging out - and flirting- in front of the family.
Things have gotten, well, uhm.. interesting since.

After a minor panic attack and fleeing the scene like a bat outta hell, we did hang out and watch the Soloist, which was a great movie by the way (it's pretty good, but I supposed it's not as appealing if you don't have a passionate love for psychology and the human mind, considering the main character is schizophrenic). We ate some lunch, he got me Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie without telling me, and saved it for when we watched the 2 hour premiere of House. Well Damn. How dare he go and mess with my head in such a flattering, caring manner?!

Anyhow, the day went great and we were both pretty damn happy. Hurray Hurrray :)

Sunday, October 04, 2009

So how much more of this kinda sweet talk do I have to take before it's ok if I catch feelings for the guy?!?!?

Jezzuka:   *I'm debating on watching The Soloist
Jacob W: -Nooo don't to it. Watch it with me on Monday
* Idk if I'll be able to go over on Monday, but I decided to watch 9 anyway
-How come you can't?
*I might be going to the movies with Babes, but we'll see
-K. Well do, whatever you wanna do then.
*U sound kinda bothered... you upset?
-Kinda. I don't wanna seem jealous... but I just really wanna see you
*I'm probably going around 4 so I should be done around 7
-I get off work at 7 anyway
*So there... don't be upset :)
 -I won't be if get to see you :)
*So if I don't come over you'll be upset cuz of my absence? Lol Sure, blame me.
-Whatever it takes to get you to come over
*Oh it's like that? Whatever it takes? Really? lol
-Haha yup. If guilting you into coming over gets you here then I'll do it. But I just hope that you wanting to see me is good enough for you
*Lol you are just too much
-What you mean?
*You'd actually guilt me into seeing you? I mean damn, you miss me that much? lol I miss you too :P
-You're always surprised whenever I tell you how much I miss you. I feel kinda flattered sometimes actually.
*Lol I'm a skeptic at heart, can't help it. And how come you feel flattered?
-Lol. Exactly that. Cuz you're a skeptic. It's kinda like I surprise you every time with my feelings for you. Makes me feel good.
*Well, you do. You make me feel special when you mention them... kinda makes my day :)
-I'm glad to know that baby. I really do wanna see you on Monday.
*I wanna see you too honey. I really did miss seeing you too
-I'm glad to hear that... I definately miss you :)

So this is a random text conv I had with Jacob Wannabe.
Yeah, about that...
I'm at least aware that I have a soft spot for the guy! Give me some sort of credit!
But then again, how could I not? He's a smart, good looking sweet talker.
So, it begs the question: How many more conversations like the one above must I endure before it's considered ok if I catch feelings for the guy?
Anbody got a number, a statistic, a percentage?

I'm headed to bed folks... it's been a long day.


Saturday, October 03, 2009

Infatuation and catching myself

I caught myself in time...or did I?
I have such mixed feelings about Jacob wannabe... on one hand I feel so attracted and drawn to him, but on the other hand, I distrust and dislike so many of his ways...
I'm attracted to him like a moth to a flame.
In my heart of hearts I know that whatever it is that I feel for him, it's not built to last...
It's like there's something to this whole ordeal, something I'm missing, the key behind the whole thing, the reason why I'm so damn infatuated on him and I can't seem to get over this... And to be honest it's driving me insane. (^_^)