ending august

It's been ages since I posted anything
Partially that's been due to the lack of planning
and the lack of time
and internet at my house
and all the stuff I've been wrapped around with

As usual this will be another dump post where everything is said with very little coherence
I apologize in advance for the lack of continuity
and furthermore, to all those who have been awaiting my reply for a long long time
I thrice apologize: for not answering at the time, for not getting around to it, and for knowing I won't reply in the near future either.

I can't believe I missed April, May, June and July, and almost August... I guess the year is flying by before our disbelieving eyes. *sigh*

Long Story short:
new job is good
my car died, permanently
my brother got into more mischief, again
we filed my mom's residence papers and we're waiting... and waiting
my mom gave me her car
i went to PA with babes
i road tripped to NYC with Ally J
i came to reality and work
i went to spain to drop off JO with dad
my mom is driving me crazy, as much as I love her
my dad is a cave man
I have a fit of madness and buy a bunch of random shit and call it retail therapy
i come back home to reality
i have a meltdown that turns into an existential crisis

Round 2

Is this what we've become? .... I don't recognize any of this, I can't see the two people who loved each other at some point or another... It's like you resent me for being me.... Maybe i'm way off base.... As for myself, it's like I see a child when I look at you... Which would explain my utter disregard for what you say.... Maybe i'm the problem, me & my issues with being told what to do & what not to do & my preconceived notions, forged by a mental regime imposed by my dad's ocd, on how people need to act & appropriate behavior.... I'm rambling & I'm sleepy.... Guess I'll call it a night for now... Laters

....

I'm siting next to you and all I can think about is how much longer will we do this... Time keeps passing & it feels like you're still stuck at 16 and I feel like the more I try to make things work, the less effort you seem to want to make... So what am I supposed to do? How do I make peace with all this disdain and disappointment I feel when we're together?... Is it unreasonable of me to expect more than mediocrity from you? Is it insensible of me to believe that you CHOOSE to live a life of underachieving and hoping and dreaming of greatness and success? Maybe I'm being stupid... But i'll be caught dead before I actually tell you that 50% of the time I feel like you're dragging me down in a downward spiral that ends on a rut & a grave, and the other half I sit, puzzled & confused, wondering if this is all you have to offer & if that's enough for me... Is this all I deserve? .... Days like this make me feel like love, no matter how much of it you may have for me & I for you... is just not enough to turn a blind eye & stay with a heavy heart... I'm trying, I'm really trying here.... but at what point do I forgo saving the sinking ship of us and save whatever is left of me?... & you're high & asleep while I, wonder our fates away...

So it's March and I write a new post

February is officially over and done with and so I can write a post and not feel like I'm twitting my life over blogger.
HA.

I now have a job! YAAAAAY! I start monday! I'm working in the same field and in a similar schedule (late afternoons & evenings), but I'm making a little more than before, and I get a 401K plan and I get overtime as well, so... pretty shoes of the world, hear my cry! I'm coming for ya!! :)
My mom was extra happy & nice and bought me stuff for me to wear to work so I look extra pretty on my first week. Luckily, the new job is like 5 minutes away from my school, which also means that I won't have to rush like a maniac from campus to work and vice versa. Sadly, the 3 weeks of training start on monday, and I have to be there by 9 am.... I'm not a morning person, at allllll.... o.O but I've been a little better about my sleeping habits and I've been hitting bed by 12am, which is significant progress compared to my usual 3 am-ish bedtime.

In other notes, Babes and I have weaned off the arguing - Thank God- and we've been actually having a lot of fun. Part of it, I think, is due to the fact that he's been a tab more social and sociable, because one of his friends got kicked out by his gf, and has been staying at Babes house for the last few days.

Random note: Taco Bell is open til 2 am or later. 4th meal is that random, middle of the night craving you get and head out to any of the very select few places open past 1 am in a Wednesday night. The only problem with 4th meal is that, while you may eat it at night.... you pay for it the morning after. o.O Worst.Stomachache.EVER.

mmmh.... I'm trying to think of what else has been going on in life, and thankfully, this is all for now.
Then again, it's been about a week, if not less, since my last post so I guess it's just a matter of giving time, time.
 laters gaters!

Jezz

February in the life

I'm staring at the page wondering where to begin,  but the reality of it is that I'm not even sure.
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...

Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.

Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.

In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.

As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.

I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
 I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?

....

About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls)  and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!) 
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)

While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.

Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.

I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...

In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.

Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)

Much love to all.

-Jezz

Ignorance is bliss.

This post is ridiculously overdue, and for that I apologize. Feels like all I do lately is apologize, but oh well.
 I have come to the conclusion that my life will be, inevitably, over dramatic regardless of what I do, but I'm moving on cause we already knew that.

In sum, life has gone a little something like this (just in January):

New Years, I was sick in bed, so I partied with my mom and ice cream and the Ball Drop in NYC in my Bed.

My grandparents left back to DR :(

Jacob WB discovered that his best friend, Pilot, went out with and slept with PB secretly last year, and they both had kept it a secret. Later on, when he tried to break up with her, she brought this up.
And thus, a player was played, and he turned into a mess of tears and insomnia.

On the 10th, there was an epic snow storm that had us locked in. I was "smart" enough to head over to a friend's house and got snowed in. We spent 3 days drinking, playing video games, watching movies, eating like crazy, making smores and all kinds of good stuff.
When I did head back home, my car skidded on the highway and did a 360 turn on ice... osea I was facing the direction I came from and cars were coming straight at me :/
Thank goodness nothing happened to me or my car or anyone else.
I got home and then spent 6 days stuck at home :( Icy roads sucks, btw.

I heard through the grape vine that a once very close friend of mine is now having twins... Idk what to say or think on that one, but I really do hope the best.

In an accident (well, okay, not so much accidental, but it was certainly not deliberate and intentional) mishap, I ended up in Babes fb inbox... and read a message that was most certainly not meant for me....Badass that I am, I saved a copy of it for myself, but I'm kinda regretting it, because I keep reading over it trying to find something that makes me feel better and I honestly only feel the opposite...

I brought it up and got a response of "She was just sad and I was trying to make her feel better. It's not anything like that...She's too young for anything, I saw her when she was little, we grew up together" etcetera, etcetera....
I really don't know what to believe anymore to be honest. I just dropped the conversation and moved on, but the truth is that I still keep thinking about the conversation I read - really, on the things that he wrote to her, if anything- it feels like shards of glass stabbed in my heart.... but oh well, that's life for ya....

The moral of this story folks is that ignorance is bliss. Treasure it. Secrets that are buried are buried, in part because the person who did it, in some shape or another does care enough to do so.
Sometimes, knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.

I'll leave you with the bits and pieces that keep haunting the back of my mind... draw your own conclusions if you will, and learn something if you can.

 December 23, 2010 at 10:12am 

I love you ( & I want you) and I hope everything works out. Bye!
P.S: txt me sometimes, I could never forget about you.

December 25, 2010 at 2:44pm

I hope your having a very merry christmas today princess and I hope Santa gave you all the things you really wanted! 

P.S: I was always a little nervous about this, but remember when you visited us in philly? Well I did want to kiss but I was so much older than you and didn't know how'd you react to it... I think i just should have done it...

You're funny and different from other girls and thats always a plus...

January 19 at 12:19am

I've always given advice when you really needed it and I'm not ever gonna stop, because I honestly care about you and worry when you're upset... I'm not tryin' to be a punk or nothin' but you're too beautiful to me to be frowning... That's just me

It pisses me off more to know that your being played with like game, Jesus, you're beautiful, funny, fun to be around plus you're Dominican, ain't no bitch out there that can touch you or come close... Nobody compares to you... If it was up to me I'd try to shower you with whatever you wanted and rub your feet till you felt better, but I'm so far that the only thing that would really reach you are my words. So please remember not all of us are cut from the same cloth... And I someday I wanna have the chance to show you what it is exactly that your looking for and to make you feel appreciated. Because I just can't stand to know that someone thinks of you only as a game...

... But, lord only knows that if I was the next man... I sorta felt like I had a chance one time before and missed out on it... Anyway, just know there IS someone one out there that see's you for the princess that you are, I was just to afraid to tell you when I could (please dont ask me why)...

Think about it like this, if you would. It's like watching "the Laura show" on t.v as much as I scream and yell at the screen you still end up getting hurt and I could've been the guy to save you, feel me? 

So, that one time we went to Allentown and chilled and had fun, I saw you differently, you were so alive and dancing and drinking and you were just being you! I was attracted instantly... But thinking about being "so much" older than you made think you wouldn't think of me in that way... Also it was the fact that I didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of you. But with everything and everyone in the world going crazy around us, it wouldn't have been so crazy after all. Since then I've been kicking myself in the ass. Laura your one in a million and although it might seem funny to you at times, seriously, to this day it bugs me and then when I see what you go through in your day to day with these stupid-ass niggaz I really get upset...

January 19 at 1:37pm

I know it seems like it would be strange and im not asking you to do anything at all sweety! What I am saying is that I wouldn't mind giving us a shot if we had the chance and yes from a distance nothing can really be done. But the world is ever turning and if I remember correctly the time you did visit us in Philly you felt something just like I did we just didn't do much about it... But to be honest things are headed for a turn soon and you never know who's gonna be knocking on your door next, feel me? So just keep an open mind and remember I DO care about you Laura, when I look at you I see something more...