Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

Oh the Stubborness and the Delight

I know, I know, I have not learned anything at all. But whatever. For now anyway.

I went to see Jacob Wannabe.

This was the 1st time I'd gone back to his apartment since.... I can remember...
I think last time I went to North Ave was around October? I think... Most definitely NOT past November.
Anyhow.

I went back, on a whim. I felt like it. I told him I was up for it.
I went over, we watched a movie, The Gods must be crazy, and then went to eat lunch at Moe's.

We went back to the apartment and watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds.
I'll admit to the fact that I hugged him. Ok, it was a little more. Originally, we sat side by side on his bed (let me just say that his dorm is ridiculously small, there isn't room for anything other than a bed, a desk, a chair and an armoire) and we were facing the TV (which is on the desk, if you must know). But then he threw my legs over his, and pulled me closer, and who the hell am I to refuse a little affection?
He showered me with kisses and hugs, telling me how much he missed me.
But all I kept thinking about was the fact that... he's is taken.
So why does he keep doing this? Hellbent on sabotage? I'm not sure.

I like the attention, but to be honest, I make him keep a distance, and I repeatedly threaten to elbow his face a couple times if he keep pushing for whatever he was trying to get at.
I felt tempted to lay my head on his chest like I used to do... Shit, I'll admit I miss it.
There are so many things about him that attract me at some sort of visceral, primitive, instinctual level, that it's like it just bypasses my conscious thoughts...
Anyhow.
We went to lunch at Moe's . His treat. We're talking about everything, how he missed our afternoons at his apartment watching movies, and how things could've been different if it weren't for BlackWhite guy, and the reasons why he and PB got back together... Eventually we shifted the topic to being Hispanic, and parents and my dad, and of course my pass out episodes. We briefly comment again on how fucked up our whatever it is IS, and he mentions that we should make a show with the drama we have going on with each other.
I told him I could actually write a novel based on it and he laughed.
We walked back to his apt, and watched Criminal Minds. I have to say that those must have been the 3 most messed up episodes I had seen up to date. Cuz Damn. DAYMN.

I was paying attention to the show... but he was kinda caught up in kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders.
I got pissed and told him that he's a jerk, and he backed off, suddenly worried about how I reacted.
I told him that... "You made your choices. I moved on. I'm moving on. The fact that I still cherish the fucked up friendship we share, does NOT give you the right to abuse my feelings mercilessly".
This seemed to make him think deeply. He did back off... but we were kinda cuddling at this point anyway, so he remained content with laying his head next to mine on my shoulder and his arms around me.
Even then, it was much further than I would have liked... but then again, I liked it anyway.
After the 3rd episode, I had to leave. I was set to go to a study session, and, to make sure I wasn't tempted to stay longer, I had set my alarm to buzz off at the time I HAD to leave.
The alarm went off, and I'm about to get off the bed, but he rolls me over to be lying face-up directly below him and he kisses me. Insanely passionately.
Like that day in the car in the middle of the night passionately.
And instead of melting like putty (which I normally would have), I got pissed and told him he is a selfish bastard and that he needs to stop acting like a moron.
He wasn't quite expecting that I guess.
I got up, and got my shoes and my jacket, and he fumbled and mumbled an apology. I didn't care for one. I'm not one to take empty apologies well, which he knows, and which eventually got him to shut up.
We left. He walked me to North Ave again, like he usually does.
We part with a big hug.... the one thing that gets me more attached than a kiss.
The scent lingers in my thoughts.
I catch the train. I sketch, I think, I write.
There is something so dysfunctional with the way we relate to each other... and it tears at me when I'm on my own. Only when he's not around and I'm not busy living the moment, making the most of it, trying to absorb it and make it a keepsake at once.
*sigh*

This complicated story is one that, I get the feeling, is only now really beginning to be woven. It's been almost a year since that first date at the restaurant in mid-town, where we ate and talked and talked and talked before heading over to watch a movie at his house.
This seems like a routine, his modus operandi... one that I got to know very very very well later on, specially during my afternoons at North Ave.
We have yet to finish watching paprika.

I don't know if we will.
I have the running joke that the next time we'll see each other is going to be 4th of July, when we're with the family at Centennial.... I wish I really had the certainty that THAT'S going to be the case, but who am I trying to fool here?
For whatever it's worth, at least I'm being consistent and making some progress. I think.

Anyhow, night Night y'all. I'm out for this one.

-Jezz

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
And....
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

• He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
• Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
• Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
• Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
• Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
• Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
• Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.

So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.

LOL.

I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?

I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!

-Laters

Jezz

Part I: The Secret Santa Debacle [aka Coming Clean: The Great Revelation]

SO in the last post I skipped from Episode II in star wars to a drastic change of emotion on JWB.
yeah about that...
It was past 6 am and I had no common sense.
Or I can blame it on Never mind, that part came after.
So here ye, hear ye. 
In this post I go back to the beginning, sort of, and start to explain the holiday season drama. The finale is yet to come, although you guys kinda already had a preview anyway. 

Part I: The Secret Santa debacle

My last explanatory post was me being pissed about the Secret Santa draw, in which, out of 17 people, I get the ONE person I'm avoiding like a plague. Let's pick it up from here.

I avoided the though of the secret santa completely, in hopes that it would somehow, magically change the outcome of my draw and I wouldn't have to get the guy a present.
Haha.
Didn't work.
The day of the Secret Santa, I'm at Target trying to figure out the most classiest, discreet fuck off present I could find. I had to keep it clean though, the family was going to be there for the opening of the presents.
So...
I bought him a tshirt I knew for a fact he would really like.
In a size too small
and didn't add a gift receipt.
HAHA. Take that MF~!

I get back home and get dressed. Looking rocker chick cool with pumps so high that the heel could stab someone easily, I was put together without trying too hard.
Pilot picks me up, we hang out at his house before everyone gets there.
Jacob calls me and offers to come pick me up at my house, but I totally diss him off cuz I already made my own plans and I'm cool like that.
Guests arrive. We're all there. Rockband comes on, and we're back at the usual spots: Pilot does drums, Jacob does bass, I do vocals and everyone else rotates on guitar.
Jacob sits next to me and we talk, sort of, with sarcastic, bitter comments flying back and forth and me trying to keep face and hold my own as Jacob is bent in causing as much damage with his words as I could imagine. I felt like I was being torn apart bit by bit.
Pilot eventually stepped in the conversation and cut it off cuz well, it was getting outta hand and it was kinda obvious I wasn't too happy about it either...
The Karaoke comes on and then I'm stuck singing "I will survive" in front of everyone and well, shit, I got into it and managed to sneak a dirty look or two at the MF... I mean, might as well, right?
Anyhow, we gather to open presents. Pilot's mom has said that We have to describe the person we're giving the present to, and say something nice about him/her. [Moments like this make me realize God has a fucked up sense of humor].
Pilot was my Secret Santa, and gave me a pj set and fuzzy blue slippers.
This may seem rather random, but it was actually an invitation to stay for the whole party spend the night over with the rest of the fam on new year's eve/new year's day.
I get up, and start off that the person I'm secret santa is ... dominican. (like everyone else is)... and a guy... goes to college.. and ... can you tell I was pretty much struggling for words?I eventually give up on the pretense and just say he like martial arts and engineering and it's Jacob.
I hand him the present and well, just avoid looking at him at all costs.
He shows off the tshirt and says he likes it, and well the end. We stuck around til it ended.
Jacob decided to leave and Pilot walked him out n they talked for a bit.
I was just happy it was over with.
We go back to Karaoke. My mom is hanging out and chilling, me and Pilot get into the  karaoke, get in a couple of songs and dance and sing and laugh and had a good time.
Everyone starts leaving and my mom was heading out too... I was about to head out when Pilot suggests I stay a while longer and he'll take me home. I say cool, and we watch Ferris Bueller's day off.
The thing is that... somewhere along the line... he decided to explain why he cut off the conversation earlier between me and Jacob and well, comes clean and says that he has a crush on me.
O_O WHAAAAAAT?!

to be continued....