Thursday, January 21, 2010

Score! - A perfect application of Master pimp's teachings

So after a night out with my brother Dude, and his best friend Cuban Hottie, some unexpected things happened. The guys told Jacob I was on a date with Cuban Hottie, and when Jacob called, he heard him. Yikes. I agreed to hanging out with Jacob and the Dominican crew to watch the 4th Star Wars movie, and Jacob offered to pick me up around 10-11 am.
Except I didn't get home until somewhere between 5 and 6 am... and passed out. Like all things in this complicated life of mine things got better from there.

Score! A perfect application of Master Pimp's teachings 

After the night out with Cuban Hottie and my brother, I got home and passed out. I slept ridiculously well. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and happy. And then I remembered I was supposed to be up early to meet Jacob.
I looked outside. I was WAY too bright to be 11 am.
I laughed and laughed and laughed. Instead of getting up and going to figure out where was my phone, I rolled over and fell asleep again for a while.
I woke up, and looked through my things. My phone died in my coat pocket.
I plugged in the charger and turned it on. I had 10 messages from Jacob, ranging from happy to pissed.
Needless to say, I was really amused by all of this, of course.
How could I not be? I was getting back in some way the dignity I lost in putting up with all the shenanigans I did before.
I read over the messages, and the last one was the one from which I got the most kick out of:
He said:
"If you changed your mind about hanging out with me, that's cool. You could've at least answered the phone and said something, instead of just turning it off on me so I get the voicemail"

Oh Damn.
I tried to stop my laughing and be serious, and I called Jacob, to which, at my slight surprise, he answered.
He asked what was going on, and I told him I overslept and my phone had died, since I forgot where Cuban Hottie had left it when he dropped me off home.
Jealous again, Jacob asks if he slept over, and I tell him he didn't, adding a slight hint of sadness to my voice.
I ask him if they're all watching the movie, to which he answers that they haven't and offers to pick me up, which I said would be cool.
I scramble out of bed, shower and throw on sweat pants and head out.
We head over to Pilot's house, who's got a girl over, whom we'll call Out-of-State-E because she lives in Arizona, or something like that.
We head to the basement and turn on the movie, and of course they sit on one couch and I have to sit on the other one with Jacob.
This time, in some sort of thoughtless moment, I just sit right next to him and grab a pillow and get cozy. He takes this as a cue to put his arm around me and I give him a look between puzzled and concerned, to which, he answers, "Oh so cause you went on a date I'm not allowed to do this anymore?"
I laughed of course and elbowed him, and just watched the movie.
The movie was ok. I kept falling asleep because I was completely exhausted from everything from the night before.
Jacob offers to take me out to grab lunch or something, and I tell him I'd rather not, because I have plans. He assumes I'm going out with Cuban Hottie again and I don't clarify.
I end up going home, and staying in the rest of the day, but I swear I was happier for it.
It's as though he's like some sort of bad indulgence, one which you pay the consequences for if you overindulge.

I do have to admit. It does feel good to have the upper hand.

-Catch y'all laters

Jezz ♥

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

My brother gave me "sound" dating advice, and stated that I needed to set Jacob Wannabe straight on who's the one in control round these parts. Or something like that. I'm not quite sure. In an attempt to cheer me up from my dating funk, he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend, whom we'll call Cuban Hottie, to a club for a night of fun... and then Jacob texted me. This gets interesting.

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

After work, the guys are waiting for me downstairs, and off we go. My brother even brought my favorite jeans and the new shoes I'm crazy about. I must've been that depressing. Damn.
So off we go to La Rumba, one of the few decent hispanic clubs from around. Cuban Hottie and my brother, whom I usually call Dude, were on a flirting streak and were surrounded by chicks all night. I was the cool one with a drink who looks smug. Or you can look at it like I did, I was the lame one with a drink bored beyond belief. Either way. Same Difference.
Cuban Hottie, whom, in all honesty, is about as smart as a puppy, had a broken leg. With a Cast. And he's at a club. Dancing. We're all talking, we have a couple shots, joke around. We decided to dance. These two guys were pretty much outnumbered by girls, but it was still fun to have them looking in every which direction. Eventually almost everyone goes off, and I'm left dancing with Cuban Hottie. My phone fell out of my pocket. I had a text message. From Jacob himself of course. He was asking me what I was up to and how my day was going. I'll admit that I did answer and said all was good, but then I gave Cuban Hottie my phone and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he left and I kept dancing with a few other guys.

Well... Cuban Hottie kept getting my messages, and Dude, brother that he is, decided to see who it was. Upon realizing it was Jacob himself, they took it upon themselves to start texting Jacob pretending to be me.
They manage to tell Jacob that I'm on a date with Cuban Hottie, and that I had a very very good mojito and that Cuban Hottie can dance better than anyone I've known. As some sort of "finishing touch" they added that he likes me a lot too, but I'm not trying to get serious or anything.


The thing is, they didn't tell me at all.
I was still dancing away, laughing with my brother's friends and having a good time.
I get back to the table, and Cuban Hottie still has my phone, and we keep talking... and then my phone starts ringing, and he accidentally answers the call. He says it's Jacob and realized the call was on, as I'm saying Just ignore it, I don't wanna talk to him.
Guess it was too late for that.

I went to the patio area in the club, and took the phone call.
Jacob asks me if the guy he heard was Cuban Hottie.
I asked him how he knew who I was with, to which he rather puzzled answered that I told him that on my texts.
I look at my phone, and go over my messages... and see what was done... and start laughing while Jacob is confused as hell.
He asks me who is this Cuban Hottie and where I met him, and slightly bragging, I tell him that he's my brother's best friend, and a regular at my house, so he sleeps over every once in a while.
Pretending to be worried, Jacob asks how much I've drunk already and how much has he, I tell him I only had a few mojitos, and explain how Cuban Hottie doenst drink much or often because he's diabetic.
Finally cutting to the point, Jacob invites me to go watch episode 4 of Star Wars with the dominican crew and I say ok. We agree to have him pick me up around 10-11am. At this point, Cuban Hottie comes to get me cause we're doing another round of shots and I'm the one that leads the crew.  I laughed and told Jacob I had to do cuz my date was waiting, to which he simply hung up.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I have to admit I was feeling pretty damn good after that, although I'm not sure if it had anything to do with making Jacob jealous or if it was purely due to my 2 mojitos and my 3 shots.
We eventually left the club, went to Rey's Tacos, another regular place for us, for the Sober-me-up after club food, and somewhere at the break of dawn, my guess is between 5 and 6 am, I got home.

I guess we can consider this a redeeming act in the fact that I'm steering away from my dates with Jacob, and I'm out and about again. However, doesn't the fact that I am relishing in making him jealous make it counter-productive?
I'm not sure. Whatever.

I swear my life is a crazy melodramatic novel. With sick plot twists.
I'll finish the rest of the story on the next one.

Catch y'all laters!


Friday, January 15, 2010

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

  • He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
  • Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
  • Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
  • Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
  • Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
  • Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
  • Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.
So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.
I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?
I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!



Thursday, January 14, 2010

Open Letter to Jacob Wannabe- an honest confession of more things I could've said

In my sulking, depressive mode, I decided I needed to vent. Or at least come to terms with what I was feeling about Jacob Wannabe. Shit. I've been in denial long enough, I might as well assess the damage at this point. It'll make the recovery process easier, I hope.
Anyhow,  in my depressive mindset, I sulked at home, watched movies, ate ice cream and listened to John Mayer's Battle Studies to fall asleep, all the while curling up into a little ball and wishing to get over this soon. Eventually, I decided to write.... and it turned to be a little more insightful than I originally would've guessed.

Open Letter to Jacob Wannabe:
an honest confession of more things I could've said

You represent more than I care to admit.
You were a step up from the guys I usually date.
The relationships I've had all had an expiration date on them. I knew that they would not last
I knew that eventually they would end and I was ok with that.
But I had hopes for you. Higher hopes that I care to admit.
In my life, you were the step up: me finally finding someone who was, at least in a sense, at my level
someone who has compatible ambtions, who was aiming high like I was
someone who had a family who supported his life plans, someone whom I didnt have to boss around
someone who didn't need to be babied, who was responsible and capable and had a certain level of maturity
that I craved in a relationship
someone with some, to some extent I could feel safe with... someone who could, if it came down to it, could protect me.
But you could protect me of many things... except yourself.

In many ways, I put you on a pedestal because I wanted
because I want to believe that I'm worthy of someone like you... the better side of you that lures me and that keeps me here.

But instead of that, you basically stepped all over me...
and it hurts
It kinda reinforces my previous belief that I don't
that I won't be able to find someone up to my level who loves me...
and I'll be stuck in a position where I'll either be
in love with someone whom I consider an equal, and who treats me like shit
or putting up with someone who loves me to death, but lacks the same vision and ambition I have, therefore not attracting me.
Do I really have insanely high standards?

And I feel as though the rejection is like a wave crashing upon me...
I hurl myself at the one constant source of affection in my life for comfort, for reassurance
that I'm still someone... that I still have feelings in there
that I can cry and not have to be strong all the time
that I can let go and not have to worry about getting hurt
and that I'm worth of someone loving me for the sheer fact that I am I.

But why am I willing to settle for less than I deserve? Am I all that morally lost? Or am I really just lacking that much affection?
At the end of the, regardless of whatever happens, I'm the one who goes to sleep every night wondering if there is someone out there, who can relate and can be considered equally yoked and hopes for the same.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Reflections on my best friend

Everyone has their obsessions, consuming thoughts, consuming time... 

They hold high their prized possession...defines the meaning of their lives

you are mine

["You are mine"- Mute Math]

Recently, I made plans, and sadly, they didn't fall through. After having invited some friends to dinner and getting an initial "Sure, let's go"; they decided they didn't want to go anymore, and didn't even bother saying so.
Well damn.
Needless to say, I was rather ticked off, and in a fit, was about to head home.
Babes sat me down and blew some steam off and made me vent, like he usually does when I'm fuming angry, and well, that took off the edge on things.
Instead of heading home, I went out to dinner with Babes.
My best friend... by far and wide.
So we go to Chilli's, order our food and talk.
It's amazing how sometimes, many times, ever too often, we underestimate and undervalue those closest, nearest, dearest to us all.
Dinner was a lot better than I expected. I had a chance to catch up with the other person who can finish my sentences and I was reminded of why we mesh so well together while I finished his.
We shared a dessert and nearly died with the Molten Lava Chocolate whatever it was, it was that good.
We went for a walk, like we used to do a million years ago. Eventually we headed back to the dorms and watched SNL and chilled on the couch.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.... although I pursue other interests and although I have hopes of finding someone else, I would never be able to share the same bond with anyone else.
Here I was, sitting on the couch with my best friend and there was nowhere I'd rather be nor with anyone else.
I guess that certain people have that power over us.
Eventually we turned off the tv and just sat there, each one at one end of the couch and our feet meeting in between, laughing at our usual antics and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep next to my bestie... a guy whom I trust blindly, despite how wrong it may seem.
It's as though there is some protective bubble when we're together... like it's just him and I and we're a team and can truly rely on each other with the knowledge that neither is trying to fool the other.
For over 5 years, honesty has been our main rule.
Honesty to where it hurts, both ourselves and each other. Honesty because it tells us where we stand. Honesty because we'd rather know the truth as opposed to playing games.
So when I say, in all honesty, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with my head and my heart... I'm dead serious.
Is it possible to find the RIGHT person with ALL the possible WRONG circumstances and situations surrounding them?
Because it feels like I found him before I was ready to embrace the magnitude of what it implies....
I'm not ready for that kind of commitment just yet... I want to have fun... but... am I committing the clichéd thing everyone does, wanting to wild out before calling it a good run and settling for the best they could find?
Because that just really sounds wrong.... and I'd hate to be the one doing that...
And as much as I avoid the thought and try to avoid the reality behind it...
I love my best friend like no-one else...
and he loves me beyond words....
so what the hell am I doing?

If I'm all that you're looking for, 
tell me,
why is there a river streaming down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder 
all about 
your love
Love, love, love love....
After some time
it's something I find true.
Love, love, love, love
Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
Too many days I was afraid of love.
Love, love, love, love....

["Love, love, love (love, love)- As Tall as Lions ♥]

Monday, January 11, 2010

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now. 
In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.
He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.
-Funny side note-
In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.
During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.
Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.
There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.
We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.
Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie. 
Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.
I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep. 
I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.
I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.
We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.
As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all...  I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?
Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.
We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.
Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.
All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and  embarrassed and remorseful.
Go fucking figure.
Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle. 
This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.
Yes, I texted back.
I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.
It might help.



Friday, January 08, 2010

Part VI: What now?- Crash landing after a night in the clouds

In my previous post I succumbed into temptation and had an intense evening with Jacob Wannabe... even after everything that went on in December.
After several hours of what the hell I was doing, I eventually went home, and the reality of everything started to sink in. 

Part VI: What Now? Crash-landing after a night in the clouds

There were so many things wrong with what just happened, I was nowhere near beginning to process the night. Instead, I went home and texted him. Like that was a much better idea. Well, I seemed to think so at the time.
The next few days were a blur of sorts.
I was unsure of what was supposed to happen. He was unsure of what he was feeling.
Once again, the same issue arose. It seemed to be as though, as much as he may enjoy spending time with me, it wasn't something certain enough for him to take a chance on. Like they say, a bird in hand is worth a hundred in the bush. I was in a bush, and well, we all now who was in hand. 
Life has a way of being a bitch.

At this point, realizing that, instead of moving forward with what supposed to be the start of a GREAT year, I was headed pretty much in the opposite direction, I decided to cut ties, once again. I did the best thing I could, disappear. 
This did not, however, mean I was happy or celebrating or even learning a lesson. Oh no. 
I was, by all means, wallowing and sulking like a child throwing a tantrum. The good Jezz was desperately trying to stick to the decision while the bad Jezz was whining like a little bitch and complaining and being mad at the universe.
I came back to my same theory: is it because I'm someone who can -by all means and ways- be considered a good catch, that guys tend to steer away from me?! Do I seem that boring? or that intimidating for that matter? I want what everyone else wants, by all means. I want to be loved and appreciated. I want to share my time and combine efforts with a significant other. I want to go places and build memories and have fun. I want someone,who can have fun and still be put together enough so that I can take him to meet the family -all in due time of course-. However, I have NEVER had that luck or luxury. 
I really though, and hoped, for a time at least, secretly, that Jacob could be that someone.
And then I crash landed into reality.
This year is not off to the best of starts. What a fucking bitch.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Part V: The edge of desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

In the previous post, against my better judgment, I decide to watch Star Wars with the Dominican crew, and end up sharing the couch with Jacob Wannabe himself.
After having a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, Jacob offers to stop by my house on his way home... to which, half asleep, I encourage. It's only AFTER I hung up that I realized what I was getting myself into.. and even then, it was ride that took me nowhere near I though I would be.
I originally made an elusive post about it... but it's kindof a spoiler... so... I'm leaving it for the end.
P.s.: This is a ridiculously long post for no reason. Actually, it's because I'm relishing the moment as I write this up. So there. Consider yourself forewarned. 

Part V: The Edge of Desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

"Often times one meets destiny on the path one takes to avoid it"
I can assure you that this was no exception whatsoever.
By repeatedly telling myself that nothing was going to happen and keeping my mouth shut from saying anything that would imply I have any kind of feeling towards the guy... I well.. pretty much helped set up the scenario for what happened next...
It was sudden.... and intense.... and lusted for.
I don't even know what hit me. It was just... unexpected, even to myself. Even when I kept thinking and hoping to have one-on-one time to talk about the whole drama that ensued early last December, I didn't really think much further other than "Will we talk about this?" -and by we talking I mean me saying some hard truths and him not digging for reasons and excuses- and "Will he ask me out again?" reveries that clouded my mind between dusk and dawn.
Despite my million and one thoughts of how I would answer... How I'd act all offended, how I'd be insulted by his proposal, how I'd be upset, how I'd pretend I had better things to do with my life... I just said "Suuuuure, why not?". Talk about anti-climatic... and now, he was on the way to my apartment complex and I was in pjs and not even wearing real shoes and it's the the night was the coldest yet this season...
I run down the 3rd floor open stairs my apartment has and jumped into his car. Things feel more comfortable than they should, and it's almost like nothing ever happened, and I don't think about how upset I was or how much shit has happened... I just get hit by a happy moment and think about how much I like it.
We start talking. He plugs up his iPod and plays the infamous "Chill" playlist of his, which turned out to be a force to be reckoned with on it's own merits.
We talk. We talked about nothing and everything and things in between. We talked about people and places and circumstances.
I swear- and I'm not saying this for his benefit, I promise- he must have apologized for all the things that have happened like a dozen times or so. None of which I really believe, but I guess the intention counts for something right? It certainly set the tone for the moment.
I make a point of asking about PB and how things are going between them, and he mentions how they're ok, but then decided to add how she was impressed when she saw me get to the NYE party... and then he had to explain that it was me, and well, she put a face to the name alright. I was rather surprised... but shit, that was MY moment of glory and vanity and all that other female good stuff and I took it with a smile.
He asked me for a hug, a real hug, and I obliged.
He asked questions on how I've been, and what I've been up to.
He constantly mentions how much he's missed me and I'm slightly flattered... I mean... damn...
The thing is, I'm a skeptic, and I have good reason to be. Why would I take his words for face value when less than a month ago he sorta dissed me and went back to dating his ex?

It's somewhere around 3 am at this point, and here we were, continuously talking in an air that was so charged you cut the tension with a knife.
His gas light came on, so, he turned the car off. I was freezing. I'm not made for cold weather.
I pretended to not be bothered much and we kept talking.... and then he held my hand.

With a sheepish smile I look at my feet and avoid saying the million things racing through my head -what are we doing?! why are you holding my hand? I should just go home- and I try to keep myself in the moment. Matter of fact, I tried that so hard that I flung myself into the moment, and before I know it he's telling me how much he missed me, and how much fun we have together, and we start laughing and joking around, as he kisses my forehead. I vaguely get the slight impression that we're setting boundaries to our somewhat of a friendship and that, all in all, I don't HATE the guy.
He leans his forehead against mine, and I start to wonder how old we are. I feel like a kid in a playground, struggling to find words and to be coherent and thinking about how much I don't want to screw this up, while also, I have the empowered feminist inside me yelling at me for being a blind idiot... but as they say, there is no one more blinded than he who does not want to see.
Ignorance is bliss.
Denial, my good old friend Denial, is like the purgatory of feelings. You fool yourself for ever so long and be happy in your foolishness, until you have a brief moment slip and reality slaps you like a bitch. I was in a happy place and dammit, I was staying there as long as I could... but eventually I pull away in hopes to keep some sort of control behind all the chaos inside me... and just to avoid the temptation...
Oh, but I'm a fool for love. I openly admit it. My plan for control and discipline and distance was hopelessly flawed by the fact that I have a soft spot for the guy...
There we were, his forehead is resting against mine and the music kept playing, and we kept talking... at this point our conversation is going onto how he misses my sarcasm and wit and everything else...
and what's a girl to do? I am susceptible to flattery.
He kissed me... and I didn't stop him. He kissed me again and I was still kinda in shock. He kissed me again, and, third time lucky, I kissed him back. Dammit! I wasn't even supposed to be here!
He held my hands in his, and tried to warm them up, as we kept talking... somewhere down the line, it became clear that my hands were not the only part of me that was cold, it was my whole body.

He beckons me to sit on his lap, open arms offering warmth and comfort that I am not immune to.... so after toughing it out for a while, he rolls up his sleeves and pulls me onto his lap.
Uhm. Okay. I ... I didn't really count on this situation coming up.... so... um... wow.

When he's finally got me on his lap, he gives me the biggest bear hug ever.... a hug that was enough to keep me wrapped up and curled up against him. As cold as it was, he felt warm and cozy and well... who am I gonna try to fool, I liked being against him, so close. I felt comforted in what seemed to be the most innocent, sweet gesture, and at the same time, in the larger scheme of things, thought about how I really could get used to being there more often. Subconsciously, I was was aware of the fact that this was, most likely the last time he and I would be this close... but at the moment it was more like me seeking a validation of affection of sorts... Because, throughout the whole time, I kept questioning if I was literally throwing myself at him, like some two dollar whore, desperate for attention and comfort and reassurance and love.

The playlist, which I keep listening to and thinking God has a messed up sense of humor, makes the whole situation seem like it's a scene out of a movie, or at the very least, like it's the season finale of some cool sit com. I don't mention it, but eventually he does, and we laugh about it, like we always do.
We keep talking, this time about music. He mentions how he's missing someone to talk to this much, and how he's been trying to find new music to listen to lately. John Mayer's new album comes up. He mentions the song that was playing at the time, makes him think of me.
"I want you so bad , I'll go back on the things I believe...
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

That was the last thing I really heard for a while.  I sat on his lap and buried my face in his neck and just savored the moment for what it was worth: a moment in time that was emotionally intense.

Eventually, I did pull away and started asking myself out loud what the hell were we doing and why were we here... but 30 minutes passed... and hour passed... the playlist kept going... the kisses kept coming and the jokes rolled in too... how could you expect me to want to leave?

He asked how I felt... I told him I felt like I went from 0 to 100 mph in a split second.
I asked him how he felt and he told me he felt like he was in some sort of romantic sitcom in which we're the main characters and this was the season finale. (Did I mention he's a movie/ tv fanatic? about that...)
He went so far as to compare it to the season finale of Dexter, one of the many interests we have in common.
We ranted and raved about the playlist, and start pulling away, gathering our minds in an effort to sort whatever just happened... and then King of Leon's "Use Somebody" comes up and I swear, I would totally have to agree that tis was the moment in which I personally felt like we stepped out from reality and stepped into some alternate-universe/ storyline, in which everything was magical...
He kissed me like never before. SO much so that I as surprised... overwhelmed... I felt like my heart was on the verge of explosion itself.... But like all good things, the song ended and we ended it with a baffled look on our faces wondering if this was turning into a bad habit... one that I have yet to manage to kick off...
and well... we keep talking... it's around 4:30 am by then... I'm completely shivering and he's rubbing my arms and shoulders in an attempt to warm me up... and as his forehead leaned against mine again, I distantly hear myself tell him that it's unfair he's taken the situation this far and remind him that we should be anywhere but here. I know I have as much to blame as he does... but... he's the one with the significant other, not me.
Let it be his burden, not mine.
 After a while of convincing myself, I pull away. Eventually, I decide I need to leave... it's starting to dawn, it's 6 am and we're still in his car, in the midst of the most ridiculous situation, avoiding questions whose answers were already known but were bitter and would, most certainly, ruin the moment.

So off into the morning he went, and I went home. We texted while he drove home, a good 30 minutes away. He got home, and we called it a night. I wanted to head to bed but... I decided to get on here, and wrote the following post, which I later removed:

I don't know how this happened.
I was drowsy and sketching... I swear that this BY FAR the most unexpected thing ever.
How does one go from irreparable hurt to intense desire?!
This shit didn't make any kind of sense
A hug. A REAL hug
and another
and another
and foreheads together
and then I missed yous merge into conversation
and who did what to avoid the thought of the other
and why the hell are we here's
and shit then he kissed me and I couldn't stop after that
and 30 minutes
and an hour
and two hours later
in friggin 12 degree weather
wearing flannel pj's and a bubble jacket with bed booties are not a good combination
I shivered like crazy
he sat me on his lap
and held my hands and blew on the to warm them up
and rubbed my calves because I get cold feet
with a playlist that just literally made the moment seem like we were caught in a romantic comedy with the insane plot twist when you least expect it
In the middle of a moment
"Use somebody" came up and I almost felt my heart explode...
you had never ever kissed me like that...
and I'll admit I was rather dumbstruck with awe to be honest

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Part IV: I dont have a name for this one- Yep it's that bad

On my last phone call from Jacob Wannabe, he mentioned the dominican crew watching Avatar and also having a Star Wars marathon, with a date to be determined.
So after my self-proclaimed triumph over PB & Jacob Wannabe on the New Year's Eve party, I was feeling... relieved but... not quite... I don't know what to call it... Suffice it to say that; although I technically had closed off the Jacob Wannabe chapter with the ending year while I was still on top of the game, I was still feeling to much to say I was over it. And of course, bad habits die hard, so....
Part IV: Untitled
My last conversation with Jacob Wannabe was somewhere between Secret Santa and New Year's eve.
At the New Year's eve I felt his eyes linger a bit too long on me, even though he was with PB.
After my minor moment of glory when I finally saw PB face to face for the first time, instead of thinking about the situation less... I thought about it more. So in an effort to start the new year with a better purpose and commitment, I threw myself into sketching, and sketching and sketching and sketching some more. My insomnia came back in full bloom and I was up again past 5 am, until I literally wore myself to exhaustion and would fall asleep, pencil in hand. Not the best way to start the year, but I'm good friends with Denial, and we got along pretty well. At least I can say I got something productive out of it by building up my portfolio.
So there I was on a Saturday morning, unsuspecting and engaged in deep concentration to avoid thinking too much, and Jacob Wannabe calls.
The Star Wars marathon is happening at Pilot's house, and he's offering to pick me up and take me home. I agree, but to make things a little more difficult for me to get into a compromising situation, I said my lil bro, Chino, had to come with me, and I had to swing by my mom's job and drop off something. He agreed, so we the plans were set.
Me and Chino head out, and we make the quick stop at my mom's job. Although I told him to park, Jacob decided to  wait for me right at the door, where my mom stood and of course, went into questions of why on earth I was riding with him, and like any great hispanic mother, gave him the evil eye. She made it so much of a point that, when I got back in the car, Jacob mentioned how he knows that look from his mom's eye and knows he is not welcome at my house any time soon. Shit. At least he's clear about it, right?
We get to Pilot's house and hang out for a bit, but then head out on a popcorn run that took forever.
After we get back, my brother, instead of watching Star Wars with us, has decided to go play PS3. Pilot takes the recliner. Movie & Pilot's dad take the love seat. Jacob and I are left looking at each other and I just head for the big sofa and sit on one end, while he sits at the other end.
By male consensus, they decide to turn on the fans, even though we're at the lowest temperature we've had all season, but hey, I was outnumbered and decided to tough up. But who was I kidding?  I have cold feet, both literally and figuratively. I was raised in the Caribbean, with warm weather year-round. I'm not made for cold. However, in a fuss, I grabbed a throw and snuggled up.
In light of the fact that I'm sitting in the same sofa as Jacob, I build a wall with the cushions in the middle of it, just to make a point. My point was short lived though, because he had the big bowl of popcorn  and the ice and I had the cheezeits and the soda. Crap. Oh well. I tried.
We started watching the first movie, and we were both texting during it. Not each other! just texting people. I, for one, was texting my cousins, and if I know anything about Jacob, I can bet he was texting PB. *sigh*
Since I had never seen any of the Star Wars movies, Jacob kept making comments about the movie and the plot. The problem with this is that we were too far for me to hear him and I was bent on sitting as far as possible, so every time he said something I had to lean towards him and grab his arm to pull myself closer and be able to listen. I didn't mind too much, as long as I went back to my little corner and curled up.
The second movie comes up, and by this point, I've curled up into a ball in hopes of preserving my body heat and to make myself stop shivering. Jacob, in turn, has decided to look for every single possible reason to find something to say to me, making me grab his arm constantly and lean in. Now at first he had some legit things to say, but after he ran out of spoilers to tell me about the plot, he just started asking me dumb questions like "Are you cold?"(I was still shivering, so clearly I was, even when I denied it),  "Are you thirsty?" (I had the soda next to me), "Are you hungry?" (I had a box of cheezits on my lap), and my personal favorite "Are you okay??". YES JACOB I am MF OKAY with your happy ass sitting close and trying to make conversation like all of last fall and winter did not happen and you didn't decided to stop dating me and bring your ex to the family's New Year's eve party. I am PERFECTLY FIIINE.

Somwhere along the second movie, my mom starts freaking out and wants me home. Because I know that this is all due to Jacob being there, I decide to be a nuisance and tell her she has to pick me up, fully knowing that because Pilot's mom is one of her closest friends, I'll stay longer. HAHA.
We finish the second movie, and Pilot's asking for a rockband break before the third one. I'm game, and we resume our regular positions: I do the vocals, Jacob is on bass and Pilot's on drums. Things should not be this easy.
My mom throws a fit and has me get ready to leave because, well, she said so, treating me like a pre-teen. I fully live up to the role, and at 21, manage to throw a fit worthy of a 13 year old who has suddenly lost cell phone privileges, and manage to get to her to let me stay.
Cause see, even though I wasn't talking to Jacob much, even though we were not on good terms, and even though we're just watching a movie with everyone there... He was there and that made the difference, as much as I hated to admit it to myself.
So back to Rockband it is.... but then my mom's car was frozen up... and wouldn't start. Pilot, who reminds me of the better memories I have of my dad, goes to help her out and checks the car, and pulls it into his driveway. He offers to fix it, but says it has to be in the morning cuz, well, it's freezing.
He did offer my mom a ride home, and at this point, I have to head home. Shit. Not cool.
Pilot and I ride on the front seat while Chino, mom and yeah, you guessed it, Jacob ride in the back. And for moments like this, I love, admire and hate my mom all at once. We start driving off and the first question out of my mom's mouth is "So how are the girlfriends doing, guys?" Jacob stammers, Pilot turns on music and I laugh because I see how much I am like my mom, pushing on the awkward subject for the sake of amusement. We talk about the car, and before I know it, we're home. So off to home I go. Like a good kid.
Except I'm not that much of a good kid.

Pilot and Jacob leave, and at home I snuggle up in pj's and go back to my hard labor of sketching. Except that I can't quite focus because, well, I just can't. In an effort to get my life together and get some rest, I take some over-the-counter sleeping pills, and against my better judgment, decide to text Jacob.
When he leaves Pilot's house, about 20 minutes later, he calls. Of course, my happy ass was half asleep, but I still answered. We talk a bit and he laughs at my teenage like anger. We crack a couple jokes from the night, and he mentions how he's right around the block from my house and offers to stop by, and well... I said, sure, why not, without really thinking through the consequences. Both of us surprised at the answer, he says he'll be there in a minute and we hang up. Only then I come to realize, it's 2:30am, and I'm in pjs and look like Frankenstein's bride, and shit, he's already here.
I say fuck it, grab a jacket and bed booties and downstairs I go, to meet with the enemy and forbidden fruit.
And the thing is, that even if I had tried to predict how the night would pan out, I would've been soo far off it's not even funny. It's just sad.
Nothing I could have said to myself would have prepared me for what came.

to be continued...

Wait for the next episode in which I go back on new year resolutions on the 2nd day of the year and dig a hole too deep to get out of...

Part III: Looked over, not overlooked [The face to face encounter]

Well damn. In the last part of the story, I explained how Pilot and I were kinda caught in a compromising situation... and then forgot it ever happened.
After an unexpected call from Jacob Wannabe, the bickering is set aside and the search for the perfect red dress failed. However, that wouldn't deter me from my mission of looking like a million bucks at the NYE party and makin' ma momma proud of the genes she passed on.

Part III: Looked over, but not overlooked

After I had finally given up on my quest to convince my boss to let me leave early on New Year's eve.... I find out, I have pending Paid Time Off, that does NOT roll into the new year.
So I gotta just lose my hard worked paid time off?! Oh HELL no.
I throw a minor tantrum and rant about how I've been forced to work EVERY holiday this year and I have not complained, and how the company was not acting ethically by having the same people working on holidays when clearly, the same people were getting all the holidays off.
So, my PTO was used so I could leave early. Granted, they spread out the hours over 3 different day, but I was leaving early enough to get there before 12 so I didn't mind too much honestly.

The day comes around. I get to work with my after-work kit: dress, heels, necklace and make up, which mainly consisted of black mascara and red lipstick.
10:30 rolls around and I rush out to change and look like a million bucks, or as close as I can get in a bathroom stall at work. And SHIT. It worked alright. At this point, I didn't really know if the red lipstick would look good with everything else.... but once I had it on... Kaboom.
I had my own little Bow-chicka-bow-wow moment in the bathroom when I realized that, despite lacking the red dress, I had the badass bitch look on me and I was ready to rock it.
Make that boy regret his decisions was at the top of my list of final achievements for 2009.

I had worn my trench coat to work that day, which proved to be a good idea, since the black dress rather short and I kinda wanted to have a BANG moment when I decided to take off the coat.
I got there, but everyone was downstairs at that point, so no major coat moment.
I head down and... everyone is there... My heart starts skipping beats and my hands are shaking and my knees are weak... I mean.... I thought I could do this, but I start realizing there are some flaws in my plan. For one, everyone there has a date, and I'm the only one who's gonna be painstakingly single there... and as much as I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, I was there by myself. An accomplice in my plan would have at least spared me the awkward moment in which I had to stand on my own cuz everyone else was making out with their respective date, if anything, by making conversation with me and providing comedic relief. But no. Here I was on my own at the verge of a stairway to hell and feeling my self-assurance plummet deeply and quickly. This was not good.
What kicked me out of my funk was...
...a gorilla suit.
Pilot's younger brother, whom we'll call Movie, had dressed up in a gorilla suit and danced around to a techno beat. As I was staring down at those damn stairs, he ran up, and, right by the door frame decided to hump my leg.
Yes. This is real life. I was relieved from a panic attack by a guy who humped my leg in a gorilla suit. Go friggin figure.
I get to the bottom of the stairs and just walk into the party, hoping that I don't have one of my fainting episodes and ruin the grand entrance, and well, fuck up my moment.
And there they were. First thing I saw in the room. Jacob and PB and everyone else.
You know how you can feel someone's eyes on you? Looking at you? I felt it alright.
She stared. He did a double take and then a look over. I looked at them both in the eye... and then laughed.
Because I'm a brave little solider, I battled on, and went straight to the back of the room in search for some liquid courage in the from of alcohol... but there was none. Water was the only other option at this point. As much as I had enjoyed the entrance, there was still the rest of the party to deal with and my hands were still shaking.
But on I went, and said hello to everyone, starting by the person next to Jacob and "failing to notice" that they were there.
I walked around a bit, got a lot of compliments and managed to ease my nerves a bit and just loosen up. I talked to some of my friends, danced a little, got ready for the ball dropping (we see it on the projector screen every year), and pretended to be cool by leaving the room every time I got a call, which happened 3 times.
I'll admit that I was watching to see if he was looking and his eye caught mine a couple times to which I just looked away.
I got my drink for the new years toast, huddled with my brother and braced myself for the arrival, but my brother scurried away when the countdown began and I stood there, unfortunately, behind the evil two on my own.
Except that, like all magical moments in life, in the last 10 seconds, my grandparents arrived and I was caught by the New Year hugging my gramps and feeling overjoyed.
Well damn.
That wasn't so bad after all. Sure as hell beat nagging my brother to kiss my cheek. lol.
We sing happy birthday for my brother, and who woudda thunk it, Jacob's mom, both of whose birthdays are January1st.
After that I left the room. I got a bunch of text messages at once and of course, I had a couple calls coming through.
By the time I came back downstairs, they had both left.
After that, my night was just fun. Danced a little. Laughed a lot. Ate like crazy. Chilled with the dominican crew. Talked with a couple friends. Made a few new ones.

But, that split second double take still lingered in my mind.
I was most certainly not over looked that night.

Don't miss the next part of the story, in which I explain The Star Wars movie night and hope that Ally doesn't want to kill me.

Catch y'all laterz

Monday, January 04, 2010

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

After an intense night of bickering with Jacob Wannabe, Pilot intervened and cut off the drama. Little did I expect what he had in store. After the Secret Santa party, I agreed to stay later with the guys and watch a movie. Pilot started to explain why he butted into the conversation, and ended up coming clean about a crush.

Part II: 3 people, 2 conversations, and the search for a red dress

So damn.
Pilot has a crush on me?
[How middle school does that sound?]
After a brief minute of awkward silence in which I'm -as usual- dumbstruck in confusion, he kissed me.
*Please note the wording here.*
And crap... he was a better kisser than I would've though too.
So after another slightly awkward silence, we're in a compromising situation where I'm thinking: There is something SO WRONG in this mess, and he's thinking "I feel like I'm betraying Jacob" and well... there's no undo button in real life.
Well fuck.
Uhm... so yeah. About that.
We keep talking and agree that this is just... uhm... the twilight zone and well... I can't remember anything.
So yeah. The end.
I guess.

The next day, Jacob calls.
To my own surprise, he apologized for the Secret Santa. Uhm... okaaay...
He goes on to mention he really liked his Secret Santa present, and said that it was a size too small. He asked for a gift receipt to which I answered that I put in the bag, and *aw shucks* he must've lost it [haha]. He asks where I bought it, to which I assure him that it must've been Ross, even though I knew it was Target.
So, he goes on to mention that the dominican crew is watching Avatar soon at a 3-D theatre and also having a Star Wars marathon and invited me to come along to both. I said it would be cool hanging out with the guys before the quarter started again Monday, and told him to let me know.
I mean, everyone's going, so it shouldn't be too bad right? Besides, I've been cooped up home all winter break depressed about everything and sketching like a possessed artist in the verge of insanity.

SO at this point, there's another problem boiling over: The red dress.
I had agreed, after being threaten to death by fashion students, to wear a red dress to the NYE party [to which Jacob Wannabe decided he was taking PB as his date] and look like a million bucks... except... well, all the red dresses in the state of GA had disappeared into a big black hole and no-one could find them. I went to 5 malls in search of the damn thing and NADA! no one red dress that did not say "old" or "tacky" on it.
I was forced to make a back up plan in which... well, I wore a black dress.
So black dress shopping I went. And I found one... oh yeah I did.
I found a black dress and then I found a gold necklace and then I found gold shoes and... it was a wrap.
When I tried that black dress... I kid you not... I knew it was the one. The fit was perfect. It even made my butt look big lol. SO yeah. It was pretty much a wrap.

The final issue was work. I work a late shift, so I'm usually in past midnight. The problem ensued that I didn't want to be at work past midnight on NYE. Well duh.
After a month's work of insistence and reluctance, I finally resigned myself with the fact that I wouldn't be able to get there before 12 cuz of work.
Oh well. *sigh*

to be continued...

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Part I: The Secret Santa Debacle [aka Coming Clean: The Great Revelation]

SO in the last post I skipped from Episode II in star wars to a drastic change of emotion on JWB.
yeah about that...
It was past 6 am and I had no common sense.
Or I can blame it on Never mind, that part came after.
So here ye, hear ye. 
In this post I go back to the beginning, sort of, and start to explain the holiday season drama. The finale is yet to come, although you guys kinda already had a preview anyway. 

Part I: The Secret Santa debacle

My last explanatory post was me being pissed about the Secret Santa draw, in which, out of 17 people, I get the ONE person I'm avoiding like a plague. Let's pick it up from here.

I avoided the though of the secret santa completely, in hopes that it would somehow, magically change the outcome of my draw and I wouldn't have to get the guy a present.
Didn't work.
The day of the Secret Santa, I'm at Target trying to figure out the most classiest, discreet fuck off present I could find. I had to keep it clean though, the family was going to be there for the opening of the presents.
I bought him a tshirt I knew for a fact he would really like.
In a size too small
and didn't add a gift receipt.
HAHA. Take that MF~!

I get back home and get dressed. Looking rocker chick cool with pumps so high that the heel could stab someone easily, I was put together without trying too hard.
Pilot picks me up, we hang out at his house before everyone gets there.
Jacob calls me and offers to come pick me up at my house, but I totally diss him off cuz I already made my own plans and I'm cool like that.
Guests arrive. We're all there. Rockband comes on, and we're back at the usual spots: Pilot does drums, Jacob does bass, I do vocals and everyone else rotates on guitar.
Jacob sits next to me and we talk, sort of, with sarcastic, bitter comments flying back and forth and me trying to keep face and hold my own as Jacob is bent in causing as much damage with his words as I could imagine. I felt like I was being torn apart bit by bit.
Pilot eventually stepped in the conversation and cut it off cuz well, it was getting outta hand and it was kinda obvious I wasn't too happy about it either...
The Karaoke comes on and then I'm stuck singing "I will survive" in front of everyone and well, shit, I got into it and managed to sneak a dirty look or two at the MF... I mean, might as well, right?
Anyhow, we gather to open presents. Pilot's mom has said that We have to describe the person we're giving the present to, and say something nice about him/her. [Moments like this make me realize God has a fucked up sense of humor].
Pilot was my Secret Santa, and gave me a pj set and fuzzy blue slippers.
This may seem rather random, but it was actually an invitation to stay for the whole party spend the night over with the rest of the fam on new year's eve/new year's day.
I get up, and start off that the person I'm secret santa is ... dominican. (like everyone else is)... and a guy... goes to college.. and ... can you tell I was pretty much struggling for words?I eventually give up on the pretense and just say he like martial arts and engineering and it's Jacob.
I hand him the present and well, just avoid looking at him at all costs.
He shows off the tshirt and says he likes it, and well the end. We stuck around til it ended.
Jacob decided to leave and Pilot walked him out n they talked for a bit.
I was just happy it was over with.
We go back to Karaoke. My mom is hanging out and chilling, me and Pilot get into the  karaoke, get in a couple of songs and dance and sing and laugh and had a good time.
Everyone starts leaving and my mom was heading out too... I was about to head out when Pilot suggests I stay a while longer and he'll take me home. I say cool, and we watch Ferris Bueller's day off.
The thing is that... somewhere along the line... he decided to explain why he cut off the conversation earlier between me and Jacob and well, comes clean and says that he has a crush on me.

to be continued....

Fuck good music, cold weather and sleeping pills. God has a fucked up sense of humor.

well fuck any new years resolutions I might have made...

I think I don't learn a lesson.. under no circumstances....


I agreed to go watch star wars with JWB and Pilot
I had to bring my little bro
After a million in one issues, we finally watch Episode  I
My mom goes crazy paranoid and wants me back home asap
she comes to pick me up, but stays talking to Pilot's mom while I'm at the basement with the guys watching Episode II....
This post is now being interrupted for the following is a Public Service Announcement.

 The part of my post that was originally here, was removed due to being a spoiler of the latest shenanigans I've been up to involving Jacob Wannabe.
So I removed it and now you have to wait til I story in chronological, sequential order.
Sue me. ☺
But since I'm sorta kinda cool, I'll let you guys keep the ending though :P

I know that this doesn't change anything...
but fuckkk....
God has a sense of humor and irony that is not beyond me right now....
cause seriously...
I need to get some sleep.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Notes on a chapter closed

I have been neglecting my blog.
I know... I know.
I've been avoiding all kinds of thinking lately.

To sum the end of 09:
Pilot has a crush on me or something
Jacob Wannabe is still with the ex
Jacob did indeed bring PB to the NYE party...
.... and I looked smokin hot and she kinda looked like a 12 year old. Major WIN :P

They (JWB & PB) left early
I spoke to Babes for like an hour
I danced with my grandpa :D

In light that we are now in 2010, (and two years away from our cataclysmic demise) its kinda time to let bygones be bygones and move on.
Here's to a great year with all the good things the last one lacked ;)