Monday, October 29, 2012

Not really here

I don't want to bother today.I just want to go home. Sleep.I secretly wish Sandy was coming to GA and not NYC.I'd stay home for about a week, eat candy, watch movies.
Dance around in the snow/rain/slush and cuddle up with hot chocolate ...

Not much to say today.Or lately for that matter...I'm just ready to go home and get in bed until... whenever.I thought about the words that describe how I'm feelingBut talking about that stuff never really works so...Here's how I'm feeling today:

The Escapist- The Streets

All these walls were never really thereNor the ceiling or the chairI'm eking weeks of peace at the beachI see the breezes weave the trees
These walls you'll find are yours and mineDefined not by them II'm in times that lie behind my eyelidsThe sunset still the rising silence
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
There's no rain on roof that grates and beats meMy favorite tree breaking light to piecesSprinkling, sharded light on meThrow a stone as high as you can
And hearing with hand not hear it landNothing taxing dusting sandMy window world spins and twirlsThe walls then fall, I recall the sort
White clouds white wash faded spotlessThe weighty shadows, ranges of rocksThe cold is all illusion thought upStroll on the shore, snooze and explore
All possibilities in each new morning'Til satisfied reaching out, yawningFish in a big dish, some rice and spiceSalt over shoulder, never salted so tight
The truth I have told was silence sometimesBut who's soul does not hide any crimesWrapped in walls, encircled by workThe walls fall, the story occurs
No barrier, no boundary or 'low us ID'sThe freedom to stay off straightBe fiend or friend cause no harm but charmThe peaceful end
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near hereI'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
Pale ancient woods, strew white sandy baysThis ugly room pales away todayI'm swimming in the ocean, I sink slow motionFingers, toes, floating
Every year 'til yesterdayI see the eternal setting seaI compare all this to meIt's all fleeting momentary me
I blink my eyes, this is reminding meLife lies in the blink of an eyeThe old die for reasons, new tides for seasonsNew life born is like teasing
All these walls were really never thereNor the ceiling or the chairI'm eking weeks of peace at the beachI see the breezes weave the trees
I am not here at all, you are dearly fooledI see bristling trees, the shush at the seaMischievous, fluttering seagullsNo, I'm not trapped in a box, so I am glancing at rocksI'm dancing off docks, since this stance began that's where I am
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near hereI'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
So done

Monday, October 22, 2012

y luego no nos conocemos....

Enseñame a olvidar lo que siento por ti
como nuestro amor llegó a su fin
enseñame lo que tengo que hacer para olvidar el dolor
de perderte a ti, de perderte a ti, de perderte
Juguemos un juego pa olvidar lo que tenemos,
cuenta hasta tres y luego no nos conocemos
todo quedó en historia, olvidaste mi memoria
y pa asegurar no recordarte, cero zanahoria...

Me mori...
Eso de que cuenta hasta 3 y luego no nos conocemos...
.... es que es imposible... como tu borras una persona, enterecita,
con todas sus manías, sus vicisitudes, sus pensamientos, sus palabras, sus acentos, su presencia
su forma de caminar, sus besos, su todo... como uno lo borra?
That's like erasing a whole fucking decade of my life...
O sea, como se hace eso?! Alguien que me diga !!

It's like that stupid song, "Somebody I Used to Know"
I guess the first thing is that I've never had a break up so terrible that I've never again spoken to an ex
Not once.
And then there's the fact that I've known you... foreeeeeever.
When I had glasses and was a complete dork
When I could never go anywhere
When I finally started to come out of my shell and make friends
When I was finally bold enough to hug you (and felt like I almost died)
When I got smart and snuck out of my house... in the middle of the night... to go to the parties at your  house... and sneak a couple drinks, hope to get to talk to you for a bit...
when we would climb to the roof of your house to look at the stars and talk
when you would come visit my house and have to sneak out when my parents got home
when you left the country... and then when you came back
when I left the country and didn't come back
when you moved to Philly, when I moved to Atl
... and that's like... 4  years ago still...
de ahi pa'lante es que pasamos las mil y una...
los viajes, los pleitos, los pikes, las canciones, los amigos, la uni juntos
there's too much that's related to you...
I feel like Joel, from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind... his whole world is fading before his imaginary subconscious self, and he's trying to hold on the very last, infinitesimal bit of Clementine
and now I feel the same...
I'm trying to grasp that last bits of you, of us, that I can find...
tu gorra, tu camiseta, los peluches que me diste, las cartas que me escribiste...

I don't want to forget... I don't want to let go...
I'm losing my mind here...
pero al final de cuentas, subconscientemente ellos cruzan caminos otra vez...
so I guess it's just a matter of time, right?

I can't forget...
Entre la cama y la puerta, el vacío que siento no me deja disfrutar
Por mas que me ocupo, por mas que me entretengo...
I'm working on a "Fake it til you make it" mentality here
and it's certainly not working... at all....

As much as I enjoy food, and I eat like a tank,
Todo me sabe a cartón.
Nada me interesa...
Not working, not studying, not being busy
Not artwork, not redecorating my whole apt...
nothing is fun.
...nothing is fun ...
without you, babes 

I keep myself "entertained"
doing things to keep the motions going, and stop my brain from thinking
Pero yo toy a un punto que no me importa...
prefiero pasarme la vida peleando contigo que "gozando" con otra persona
nada me sabe igual, y no me gusta
Estoy en huelga de afectos
y si no yo no tengo el tuyo, pues nadie va a tener el mio....

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Vueltas y Vueltas

My head is spinning
Dando vueltas y vueltas y vueltas
I'm upset and I don't know why.
Or maybe I kinda do. I just really don't feel like figuring shit out.
I want to wallow. Hoodie, headphones, solitude.
It's just one of those days.
In the great words of ancient Limp Bizkit:
Its just one a those days when you don't wanna wake upEverything is fucked, everybody sucksYou don't really know why, but you wanna justifyRipping someone's head offNo human contact, and if you interact your life is on contractYour best bet is to stay away mother fuckerIts just one of those days
I don't feel like dealing with people today.
I just want to get in bed and bury myself there until further notice, but I'm constantly surrounded by people. People wanting to talk, and people wanting me to listen, and people wanting me to care, and people wanting me to be funny, and happy and shit like that.
Not every day is going to be a happy day.
I don't think I'm up for faking it today.
The salt from my tears has made my contacts sting my eyes today.
My hair is a mess. A big, curly, puffy, fluffy mess, in a sea of manicured everything. I hate the burbs for how seemingly perfect everything and everyone is.
I don't fit in here. I don't quite fit in in DR either, but what's a girl to do.
I'm counting down the minutes to get out of here, and I don't even know how I'm getting home.
Typical Jezz.
I'm feeling too much shit today and it's irritating me.
I've trapped it all in a box, which I keep in the center of an empty room in my head.
Today my box is rattling furiously
and all I want to do is kick it to the moon.

I spare you, whomever you are, from my sour demeanor today.
Duty calls.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Basic Space- Chronicles of a dying love

Lo extraño.
El resto de las palabras me sobran.
Lo extraño hasta en los huesos. En mis sueños. En mis cosas. En lo que escribo.
Lo extraño y me duele.
No soy tan ilusa de pensar que todo era perfecto.
Pero ciertamente, había amor de sobra. Todavía no entiendo por qué todo tiene que tener un final tan abrupto. Tan frío.
Cuando lo extraño solo recuerdo las cosas buenas.
Los chistes, sus caricias, su olor, sus besos.
Recuerdo como siempre me traía los chocolates que me gustan, los Reeses mini cups, y me los dejaba en la mesa. Recuerdo la última gripe que me dio, tan mala que lloré entre la fiebre y el sueño y el cansancio y el dolor; y ahí estaba él. Quitándome el pelo de entre los ojos, acariciándome la frente con un paño frío, dándome besos para que durmiera mejor.
Tanto amor echado al vacío.
Tengo que recordarme que no terminamos por lo bueno.
Lo bueno siempre fue bueno. Feliz.... pero la vida no es color rosa, él no fue un príncipe azul siempre, y yo no soy la heroína de esta historia tampoco.
We were human, and flawed and selfish.
I have to constantly remind myself the series of events that lead up to this demise.
There wasn't anything left there, I was alone. I had no-one to talk to, I had no-one to battle things out with. Me quedé sola en un lugar donde debíamos ser dos, unidos como uno.
Lloré. Mucho. Sola.
Esas cosas no se improvisan. El hastío que sentí no llegó de la noche a la mañana.
It was an accumulation of grievances, of unspoken disappointments, of hopes crushed and desires ignored.
pero coño, cuánto me dueles. 
Todavía no he podido desencajarte de mi
Todavía me duele pensar en que tú dueles, en que tu sufres ... en especial porque sé que es culpa mía.

At the end of the day, I always knew I was the stronger one of us two.
I have hated that fact for a while now, because it meant I was the one who had to do what had to be done. I still hate that. I still hate that I see things before they happen and have to prepare for their consequences.
I had to do what had to be done, and that was to walk away.
Porque si no, no ibas a entender.
No ibas a captar que el amor es un racimo, creciendo entre espinas, y al dejarlo al olvido, muere de sed
You were so sure that I would always come back that you forgot I had the right not to.
You forgot to love and I loved to forget the things you'd forget.
Until I remembered and things changed. I didn't want to forget anymore.
We fell apart.
Shit happened.

Todavía te extraño.
No con el deseo de que vuelvas a ser mío, sino con la tristeza de verte partir.
Ver esta historia terminar me parte el corazón en veinte mil pedacitos
todos esparciéndose entre las estrellas al ver
un universo entero caducar, y exhalar por última vez.

Todavía te lloro.
Porque me haces falta. Porque todavía te amo, de muchas maneras.
Y no sé cómo apagarlo, y me dueles.
I walked away but every step I've taken is harder than the hardest thing I could have imagined doing.
My parting was abrupt and harsh. I didn't want to dwell. It still hurts.
Your words still haunt me:
This is you, jumping into a moving car.
You left me.
And this is me, waving goodbye in your rearview mirror.

I had no other choice left babes, I really didn't....
I just hope you'll understand that some day.