Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

Spanish state of mind

Pensamiento de A.Rogers (1931)

Todo lo que una persona recibe sin haber trabajado para obtenerlo, otra persona deberá haber trabajado para ello, pero sin recibirlo..
El gobierno no puede entregar nada a alguien, si antes no se lo ha quitado a alguna otra persona.

Cuando la mitad de las personas llegan a la conclusión de que ellas no tienen que trabajar porque la otra mitad está obligada a hacerse cargo de ellas, y cuando esta otra mitad se convence de que no vale la pena trabajar porque alguien les quitará lo que han logrado con su esfuerzo, eso... mi querido amigo... es el fin de cualquier nación.

“No se puede multiplicar la riqueza dividiéndola”.


"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy
out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another
person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody
else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work
because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the
other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody
else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about
the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

Head & Heart

“One ought to hold on to one's heart; 

for if one lets it go, 

one soon loses control of the head too.”

-Nietzche

Reflections on my best friend

Everyone has their obsessions, consuming thoughts, consuming time... 

They hold high their prized possession...defines the meaning of their lives

you are mine

["You are mine"- Mute Math]

Recently, I made plans, and sadly, they didn't fall through. After having invited some friends to dinner and getting an initial "Sure, let's go"; they decided they didn't want to go anymore, and didn't even bother saying so.
Well damn.
Needless to say, I was rather ticked off, and in a fit, was about to head home.

Babes sat me down and blew some steam off and made me vent, like he usually does when I'm fuming angry, and well, that took off the edge on things.

Instead of heading home, I went out to dinner with Babes.

My best friend... by far and wide.

So we go to Chilli's, order our food and talk.

It's amazing how sometimes, many times, ever too often, we underestimate and undervalue those closest, nearest, dearest to us all.

Dinner was a lot better than I expected. I had a chance to catch up with the other person who can finish my sentences and I was reminded of why we mesh so well together while I finished his.

We shared a dessert and nearly died with the Molten Lava Chocolate whatever it was, it was that good.

We went for a walk, like we used to do a million years ago. Eventually we headed back to the dorms and watched SNL and chilled on the couch.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.... although I pursue other interests and although I have hopes of finding someone else, I would never be able to share the same bond with anyone else.

Here I was, sitting on the couch with my best friend and there was nowhere I'd rather be nor with anyone else.

I guess that certain people have that power over us.

Eventually we turned off the tv and just sat there, each one at one end of the couch and our feet meeting in between, laughing at our usual antics and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep next to my bestie... a guy whom I trust blindly, despite how wrong it may seem.
It's as though there is some protective bubble when we're together... like it's just him and I and we're a team and can truly rely on each other with the knowledge that neither is trying to fool the other.
For over 5 years, honesty has been our main rule.
Honesty to where it hurts, both ourselves and each other. Honesty because it tells us where we stand. Honesty because we'd rather know the truth as opposed to playing games.
So when I say, in all honesty, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with my head and my heart... I'm dead serious.

Is it possible to find the RIGHT person with ALL the possible WRONG circumstances and situations surrounding them?

Because it feels like I found him before I was ready to embrace the magnitude of what it implies....

I'm not ready for that kind of commitment just yet... I want to have fun... but... am I committing the clichéd thing everyone does, wanting to wild out before calling it a good run and settling for the best they could find?

Because that just really sounds wrong.... and I'd hate to be the one doing that...

And as much as I avoid the thought and try to avoid the reality behind it...

I love my best friend like no-one else...

and he loves me beyond words....

so what the hell am I doing?

If I'm all that you're looking for, 
tell me,
why is there a river streaming down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder 
all about 
your love
Love, love, love love....

After some time
it's something I find true.
Love, love, love, love
Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
Too many days I was afraid of love.
Love, love, love, love....

["Love, love, love (love, love)- As Tall as Lions ♥]

Part V: The edge of desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

In the previous post, against my better judgment, I decide to watch Star Wars with the Dominican crew, and end up sharing the couch with Jacob Wannabe himself.
After having a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, Jacob offers to stop by my house on his way home... to which, half asleep, I encourage. It's only AFTER I hung up that I realized what I was getting myself into.. and even then, it was ride that took me nowhere near I though I would be.
I originally made an elusive post about it... but it's kindof a spoiler... so... I'm leaving it for the end.
P.s.: This is a ridiculously long post for no reason. Actually, it's because I'm relishing the moment as I write this up. So there. Consider yourself forewarned. 

Part V: The Edge of Desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

"Often times one meets destiny on the path one takes to avoid it"
I can assure you that this was no exception whatsoever.
By repeatedly telling myself that nothing was going to happen and keeping my mouth shut from saying anything that would imply I have any kind of feeling towards the guy... I well.. pretty much helped set up the scenario for what happened next...
It was sudden.... and intense.... and lusted for.
I don't even know what hit me. It was just... unexpected, even to myself. Even when I kept thinking and hoping to have one-on-one time to talk about the whole drama that ensued early last December, I didn't really think much further other than "Will we talk about this?" -and by we talking I mean me saying some hard truths and him not digging for reasons and excuses- and "Will he ask me out again?" reveries that clouded my mind between dusk and dawn.
Despite my million and one thoughts of how I would answer... How I'd act all offended, how I'd be insulted by his proposal, how I'd be upset, how I'd pretend I had better things to do with my life... I just said "Suuuuure, why not?". Talk about anti-climatic... and now, he was on the way to my apartment complex and I was in pjs and not even wearing real shoes and it's the the night was the coldest yet this season...
I run down the 3rd floor open stairs my apartment has and jumped into his car. Things feel more comfortable than they should, and it's almost like nothing ever happened, and I don't think about how upset I was or how much shit has happened... I just get hit by a happy moment and think about how much I like it.
We start talking. He plugs up his iPod and plays the infamous "Chill" playlist of his, which turned out to be a force to be reckoned with on it's own merits.
We talk. We talked about nothing and everything and things in between. We talked about people and places and circumstances.
I swear- and I'm not saying this for his benefit, I promise- he must have apologized for all the things that have happened like a dozen times or so. None of which I really believe, but I guess the intention counts for something right? It certainly set the tone for the moment.
I make a point of asking about PB and how things are going between them, and he mentions how they're ok, but then decided to add how she was impressed when she saw me get to the NYE party... and then he had to explain that it was me, and well, she put a face to the name alright. I was rather surprised... but shit, that was MY moment of glory and vanity and all that other female good stuff and I took it with a smile.
He asked me for a hug, a real hug, and I obliged.
He asked questions on how I've been, and what I've been up to.
He constantly mentions how much he's missed me and I'm slightly flattered... I mean... damn...
The thing is, I'm a skeptic, and I have good reason to be. Why would I take his words for face value when less than a month ago he sorta dissed me and went back to dating his ex?

It's somewhere around 3 am at this point, and here we were, continuously talking in an air that was so charged you cut the tension with a knife.
His gas light came on, so, he turned the car off. I was freezing. I'm not made for cold weather.
I pretended to not be bothered much and we kept talking.... and then he held my hand.

With a sheepish smile I look at my feet and avoid saying the million things racing through my head -what are we doing?! why are you holding my hand? I should just go home- and I try to keep myself in the moment. Matter of fact, I tried that so hard that I flung myself into the moment, and before I know it he's telling me how much he missed me, and how much fun we have together, and we start laughing and joking around, as he kisses my forehead. I vaguely get the slight impression that we're setting boundaries to our somewhat of a friendship and that, all in all, I don't HATE the guy.
He leans his forehead against mine, and I start to wonder how old we are. I feel like a kid in a playground, struggling to find words and to be coherent and thinking about how much I don't want to screw this up, while also, I have the empowered feminist inside me yelling at me for being a blind idiot... but as they say, there is no one more blinded than he who does not want to see.
Ignorance is bliss.
Denial, my good old friend Denial, is like the purgatory of feelings. You fool yourself for ever so long and be happy in your foolishness, until you have a brief moment slip and reality slaps you like a bitch. I was in a happy place and dammit, I was staying there as long as I could... but eventually I pull away in hopes to keep some sort of control behind all the chaos inside me... and just to avoid the temptation...
Oh, but I'm a fool for love. I openly admit it. My plan for control and discipline and distance was hopelessly flawed by the fact that I have a soft spot for the guy...
There we were, his forehead is resting against mine and the music kept playing, and we kept talking... at this point our conversation is going onto how he misses my sarcasm and wit and everything else...
and what's a girl to do? I am susceptible to flattery.
He kissed me... and I didn't stop him. He kissed me again and I was still kinda in shock. He kissed me again, and, third time lucky, I kissed him back. Dammit! I wasn't even supposed to be here!
He held my hands in his, and tried to warm them up, as we kept talking... somewhere down the line, it became clear that my hands were not the only part of me that was cold, it was my whole body.

He beckons me to sit on his lap, open arms offering warmth and comfort that I am not immune to.... so after toughing it out for a while, he rolls up his sleeves and pulls me onto his lap.
Uhm. Okay. I ... I didn't really count on this situation coming up.... so... um... wow.

When he's finally got me on his lap, he gives me the biggest bear hug ever.... a hug that was enough to keep me wrapped up and curled up against him. As cold as it was, he felt warm and cozy and well... who am I gonna try to fool, I liked being against him, so close. I felt comforted in what seemed to be the most innocent, sweet gesture, and at the same time, in the larger scheme of things, thought about how I really could get used to being there more often. Subconsciously, I was was aware of the fact that this was, most likely the last time he and I would be this close... but at the moment it was more like me seeking a validation of affection of sorts... Because, throughout the whole time, I kept questioning if I was literally throwing myself at him, like some two dollar whore, desperate for attention and comfort and reassurance and love.

The playlist, which I keep listening to and thinking God has a messed up sense of humor, makes the whole situation seem like it's a scene out of a movie, or at the very least, like it's the season finale of some cool sit com. I don't mention it, but eventually he does, and we laugh about it, like we always do.
We keep talking, this time about music. He mentions how he's missing someone to talk to this much, and how he's been trying to find new music to listen to lately. John Mayer's new album comes up. He mentions the song that was playing at the time, makes him think of me.

"I want you so bad , I'll go back on the things I believe...
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

That was the last thing I really heard for a while.  I sat on his lap and buried my face in his neck and just savored the moment for what it was worth: a moment in time that was emotionally intense.

Eventually, I did pull away and started asking myself out loud what the hell were we doing and why were we here... but 30 minutes passed... and hour passed... the playlist kept going... the kisses kept coming and the jokes rolled in too... how could you expect me to want to leave?

He asked how I felt... I told him I felt like I went from 0 to 100 mph in a split second.
I asked him how he felt and he told me he felt like he was in some sort of romantic sitcom in which we're the main characters and this was the season finale. (Did I mention he's a movie/ tv fanatic? about that...)
He went so far as to compare it to the season finale of Dexter, one of the many interests we have in common.
We ranted and raved about the playlist, and start pulling away, gathering our minds in an effort to sort whatever just happened... and then King of Leon's "Use Somebody" comes up and I swear, I would totally have to agree that tis was the moment in which I personally felt like we stepped out from reality and stepped into some alternate-universe/ storyline, in which everything was magical...
He kissed me like never before. SO much so that I as surprised... overwhelmed... I felt like my heart was on the verge of explosion itself.... But like all good things, the song ended and we ended it with a baffled look on our faces wondering if this was turning into a bad habit... one that I have yet to manage to kick off...
and well... we keep talking... it's around 4:30 am by then... I'm completely shivering and he's rubbing my arms and shoulders in an attempt to warm me up... and as his forehead leaned against mine again, I distantly hear myself tell him that it's unfair he's taken the situation this far and remind him that we should be anywhere but here. I know I have as much to blame as he does... but... he's the one with the significant other, not me.
Let it be his burden, not mine.
 After a while of convincing myself, I pull away. Eventually, I decide I need to leave... it's starting to dawn, it's 6 am and we're still in his car, in the midst of the most ridiculous situation, avoiding questions whose answers were already known but were bitter and would, most certainly, ruin the moment.

So off into the morning he went, and I went home. We texted while he drove home, a good 30 minutes away. He got home, and we called it a night. I wanted to head to bed but... I decided to get on here, and wrote the following post, which I later removed:



Shit
I don't know how this happened.
I was drowsy and sketching... I swear that this BY FAR the most unexpected thing ever.
How does one go from irreparable hurt to intense desire?!
This shit didn't make any kind of sense
A hug. A REAL hug
and another
and another
and foreheads together
and then I missed yous merge into conversation
and who did what to avoid the thought of the other
and why the hell are we here's
and shit then he kissed me and I couldn't stop after that
and 30 minutes
and an hour
and two hours later
in friggin 12 degree weather
wearing flannel pj's and a bubble jacket with bed booties are not a good combination
I shivered like crazy
he sat me on his lap
and held my hands and blew on the to warm them up
and rubbed my calves because I get cold feet
with a playlist that just literally made the moment seem like we were caught in a romantic comedy with the insane plot twist when you least expect it
In the middle of a moment
"Use somebody" came up and I almost felt my heart explode...
you had never ever kissed me like that...
and I'll admit I was rather dumbstruck with awe to be honest

Part I: The Secret Santa Debacle [aka Coming Clean: The Great Revelation]

SO in the last post I skipped from Episode II in star wars to a drastic change of emotion on JWB.
yeah about that...
It was past 6 am and I had no common sense.
Or I can blame it on Never mind, that part came after.
So here ye, hear ye. 
In this post I go back to the beginning, sort of, and start to explain the holiday season drama. The finale is yet to come, although you guys kinda already had a preview anyway. 

Part I: The Secret Santa debacle

My last explanatory post was me being pissed about the Secret Santa draw, in which, out of 17 people, I get the ONE person I'm avoiding like a plague. Let's pick it up from here.

I avoided the though of the secret santa completely, in hopes that it would somehow, magically change the outcome of my draw and I wouldn't have to get the guy a present.
Haha.
Didn't work.
The day of the Secret Santa, I'm at Target trying to figure out the most classiest, discreet fuck off present I could find. I had to keep it clean though, the family was going to be there for the opening of the presents.
So...
I bought him a tshirt I knew for a fact he would really like.
In a size too small
and didn't add a gift receipt.
HAHA. Take that MF~!

I get back home and get dressed. Looking rocker chick cool with pumps so high that the heel could stab someone easily, I was put together without trying too hard.
Pilot picks me up, we hang out at his house before everyone gets there.
Jacob calls me and offers to come pick me up at my house, but I totally diss him off cuz I already made my own plans and I'm cool like that.
Guests arrive. We're all there. Rockband comes on, and we're back at the usual spots: Pilot does drums, Jacob does bass, I do vocals and everyone else rotates on guitar.
Jacob sits next to me and we talk, sort of, with sarcastic, bitter comments flying back and forth and me trying to keep face and hold my own as Jacob is bent in causing as much damage with his words as I could imagine. I felt like I was being torn apart bit by bit.
Pilot eventually stepped in the conversation and cut it off cuz well, it was getting outta hand and it was kinda obvious I wasn't too happy about it either...
The Karaoke comes on and then I'm stuck singing "I will survive" in front of everyone and well, shit, I got into it and managed to sneak a dirty look or two at the MF... I mean, might as well, right?
Anyhow, we gather to open presents. Pilot's mom has said that We have to describe the person we're giving the present to, and say something nice about him/her. [Moments like this make me realize God has a fucked up sense of humor].
Pilot was my Secret Santa, and gave me a pj set and fuzzy blue slippers.
This may seem rather random, but it was actually an invitation to stay for the whole party spend the night over with the rest of the fam on new year's eve/new year's day.
I get up, and start off that the person I'm secret santa is ... dominican. (like everyone else is)... and a guy... goes to college.. and ... can you tell I was pretty much struggling for words?I eventually give up on the pretense and just say he like martial arts and engineering and it's Jacob.
I hand him the present and well, just avoid looking at him at all costs.
He shows off the tshirt and says he likes it, and well the end. We stuck around til it ended.
Jacob decided to leave and Pilot walked him out n they talked for a bit.
I was just happy it was over with.
We go back to Karaoke. My mom is hanging out and chilling, me and Pilot get into the  karaoke, get in a couple of songs and dance and sing and laugh and had a good time.
Everyone starts leaving and my mom was heading out too... I was about to head out when Pilot suggests I stay a while longer and he'll take me home. I say cool, and we watch Ferris Bueller's day off.
The thing is that... somewhere along the line... he decided to explain why he cut off the conversation earlier between me and Jacob and well, comes clean and says that he has a crush on me.
O_O WHAAAAAAT?!

to be continued....

Fuck good music, cold weather and sleeping pills. God has a fucked up sense of humor.

well fuck any new years resolutions I might have made...

I think I don't learn a lesson.. under no circumstances....

Shit...

I agreed to go watch star wars with JWB and Pilot
I had to bring my little bro
After a million in one issues, we finally watch Episode  I
My mom goes crazy paranoid and wants me back home asap
she comes to pick me up, but stays talking to Pilot's mom while I'm at the basement with the guys watching Episode II....
and....
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This post is now being interrupted for the following is a Public Service Announcement.

 The part of my post that was originally here, was removed due to being a spoiler of the latest shenanigans I've been up to involving Jacob Wannabe.
So I removed it and now you have to wait til I story in chronological, sequential order.
Sue me. ☺
But since I'm sorta kinda cool, I'll let you guys keep the ending though :P
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know that this doesn't change anything...
but fuckkk....
God has a sense of humor and irony that is not beyond me right now....
cause seriously...
Shit...
I need to get some sleep.

Well damn

A sad reality we fail to notice

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Maybe GA is too small for my social circle...

.... or maybe I need to dye my hair a different shade now that I'm officially avoiding Jacob Wannabe once again
.... or maybe I need to stop hanging out with my bestie, who at 6'1 tall  (yes, barefoot!) is becoming a landmark to find me when I'm out.


So, remember the New Moon Premiere I was so happy about??
Yeah, about that...

Jacob Wannabe was there. With PB.
Que decirte!

He mentioned, in passing, that he was going to see the premiere, and I mentioned I was going too.
Before I get into any further detail, let me just say:
Jacob wannabe lives about an hour away from my side of town.
He goes to school about 1/2 away from where I go to school, which is also in my side of town.
PB goes to school 4 hours away from where I live.

So, that said; Can someone PLEASE explain to me WTF this dude and this chick were at THE SAME THEATER I went to?!?!?!
This is still rather baffling to me.
I spotted him in the line to get into the movie (which, I might add, went around the plaza where I went to see the movie) & I saw him again in the vending line, while waiting to get some popcorn.
My friends printed their tickets all together, and all had auditorium 7 on them... I printed mine at work, and it had auditorium 8 on it. We didn't think too much of it cuz, hell, it's the same movie in all the damn auditoriums anyway.
So my mind keeps wondering if I really did see him or not, or wtf, and we finally are able to enter the auditoriums to watch the movie, but hey, I can't sit with my friends cuz I have to go to 8, not 7; cuz 7 is sold out, even though there are over 50 empty seats in it.
I went to the box office with Babes, and we were told the same.... but I wasn't having none of that. Babes offered to swap his ticket at the box office in order for us to sit in 8; but that wasn't going to satisfy me either... so... Babes went in, took out CoccoSooz's ticket, and gave it to me, and I was in. Yayyyy!!
The movie was pretty awesome :) Not better than the book, but then again, when does that ever happen anyway?
I was, of course, going for Team Jacob :P even when I know Edward is the real thing. Taylor Lautner is well, delicious looking... to the point where my mom agrees with me on that (lol yeah, imagine THAT conversation); and Babes was rather resented cuz I like Taylor Lautner (the dude that plays Jacob) and he was a very obvious resemblance to Jacob wannabe (hence the name); but whatever.
I went home, all good, night's over yadda yadda yadda, I hit the bed, night night y'all.

Next day, I get a text from Jacob wannabe himself, telling me we were at the same theater and he saw me a couple times. I asked how he could be sure it was me... and he said he saw me with Soozi. Dammit (this is why I say she's becoming a landmark).
I asked why he didn't bother to come and say hi, and he explained that he was with PB. ( SO I WASN'T CRAZY AFTER ALL!) and that he didn't want her to get all upset and well, psycho.
I was a little curious... so I asked him what auditorium he was in.... he said 8, and that there was barely15-20 people in that one.
WELL DAMN!
I'll admit I spent about an hour laughing at the fact that my minor tantrum with Babes spared me a looong dramatic encounter with the evil creature that PB is.... Jesus works in magical, mysterious ways.
Anyhow y'all....
In sum, the movie was good, the ending was expected (if you've read the books anyway) but good nonetheless and I had fun; all of which is what really matters.

Til the next one folks
-Jezz

Thicker than water

Oh Bloood,
so much thicker than water
you're drowning me twice as fast
a cross between mud and and quicksand
murky and sticky
no matter how dirty things are
I am unavoidably bound to you
and the more I struggle, the sooner I sink
I'm trying my best to just give in, but
how do you hold still watching your life pass by,
feeling each moment slip through your fingertips
seeing snapshots of what could've been flashing before your eyes
while slowly losing faith that you'll ever get out of this alive?
All we have is fear & faith, hoping for another chance to seize the day

"Slowing Down"- Anthony Green

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long time coming.
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never change.
Well I never wanted it to feel like this, to feel this way.

I'm just afraid that if you stay...


Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long, long, long, long time...
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never ever change.
Well I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me.






[[[ I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll hate you...]]] (#._.#)

:)

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

- Sherlock Holmes

Nuff said !  lol

One Tree Hill Quote

One Tree Hill Quote

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

... enough said.

Refletions on Gravity and Gratitude

You can’t stop yourself from loving someone you shouldn’t but you can’t force yourself to love someone you’re better off with.

I got that phrase from here, at the The Bulleted Something ( a blog which I am kind of jealous of because I feel as though I should have come up with that first).
Why is it that as humans we are constantly tempted and lured by what we want but cannot have?
Why do we overlook what we get freely?
I have to wonder.
There are countless posts about me and Babes. Things of the past. A relationship that will never end: my best friend. The one who finishes my sentences and my jokes, the one who can comfort me, and ease me, the one who can soothe and relax me. The one who feeds off of my energy, who knows how to make me smile and whom I share so many memories with. He is -as of right now- the one man I trust. After knowing him for so long, and know how he and I share an indescribable bond, I am utterly open with him; I am vulnerable and sensitive and I believe he wishes no harm.
But as much as I love him, and believe me when I say I do; I can't force my curiosity out of me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head of wondering what else is out there, who else roams this world and what they are like, I can't stop asking myself if there is anyone in this world I could learn to trust and I could share a similar bond with.
Why is this? Why are we humans genetically encoded to not be content and satisfied with the things we already have in our head and hearts? Wouldn't we all be happier if we could learn to be that way?
Makes me think of John Mayer's song "Gravity". Here are the snippets that apply to this post:

"I'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart could stand
dream of ways just to throw it all away"

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good
and can't sustain what one half could
It's wanting more that's going to send me
to my knees"

Well folks, this is my queue. Just remember to be content and grateful with the many blessings you already have. I'm learning to do the same with mine.

My view on marraige

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married."

- Katherine Hepburn

enough said, right?