Thursday, November 26, 2009


Dearest all!!!
Why Helllooo!!!
Sooo, it's thanksgiving and although I'm working, I can still manage to find a couple things to day, right
I know. I should be with the family n stuff... it really was not my choice, but hey, holiday pay works, right? Yeahh... about that...
I want to mention the things that I AM really TRULY grateful for:
  • My mom- who, despite everything (and there has been plenty) has managed to keep moving forward and keeping a soulful spirit
  • My chinese boy- whom has helped me see the challenges of parenting (even though he's my youngest brother)
  • Dude, my middle brother. Who has helped me realize exactly what I DON'T like in men, and how our family is affected by the changes we've gone through
  • My family -because the world is meaningless without people to share your life with
  • My job- because even when I feel as though I'm sucked into a black hole and I'm never going to see the sunlight- it has kept my family fed and bills paid
  • Cooco Sooz and Babes- because they help me remember that life is not as serious as I unwittingly wrap myself into. Because through thick & thin, they have managed to make me find humor in everything. Because they decided to move across state lines to support my crazy self & be HERE
  • for food. Cuz I'm a fatass and I eat like well, a fatass. So hey.
    Oh and the Good genes cuz they keep me looking good despite my fatass appetite
  • Cell phones cuz we get to reach out to anyone, virtually anywhere; making the world smaller and larger at the same time
  • Anything with chocolate, because it calms me when I'm about to have a meltdown
  • Dreams & vision.
    because they help us transcend who we are and where we came from and empower us to reach for higher standards, deeper values, and help us realize the potential inside each and everyone of us.

Although I didn't get to hang out with the fam and eat consistently all day long, My mom brought me food :) and Jacobwannabe brought me food and hung out with me during my lunch break :D
And I'm going black friday shopping after i gets outta here :P

<3 much love y'all


Sunday, November 22, 2009

A sad reality we fail to notice

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Maybe GA is too small for my social circle...

.... or maybe I need to dye my hair a different shade now that I'm officially avoiding Jacob Wannabe once again
.... or maybe I need to stop hanging out with my bestie, who at 6'1 tall  (yes, barefoot!) is becoming a landmark to find me when I'm out.

So, remember the New Moon Premiere I was so happy about??
Yeah, about that...

Jacob Wannabe was there. With PB.
Que decirte!

He mentioned, in passing, that he was going to see the premiere, and I mentioned I was going too.
Before I get into any further detail, let me just say:
Jacob wannabe lives about an hour away from my side of town.
He goes to school about 1/2 away from where I go to school, which is also in my side of town.
PB goes to school 4 hours away from where I live.

So, that said; Can someone PLEASE explain to me WTF this dude and this chick were at THE SAME THEATER I went to?!?!?!
This is still rather baffling to me.
I spotted him in the line to get into the movie (which, I might add, went around the plaza where I went to see the movie) & I saw him again in the vending line, while waiting to get some popcorn.
My friends printed their tickets all together, and all had auditorium 7 on them... I printed mine at work, and it had auditorium 8 on it. We didn't think too much of it cuz, hell, it's the same movie in all the damn auditoriums anyway.
So my mind keeps wondering if I really did see him or not, or wtf, and we finally are able to enter the auditoriums to watch the movie, but hey, I can't sit with my friends cuz I have to go to 8, not 7; cuz 7 is sold out, even though there are over 50 empty seats in it.
I went to the box office with Babes, and we were told the same.... but I wasn't having none of that. Babes offered to swap his ticket at the box office in order for us to sit in 8; but that wasn't going to satisfy me either... so... Babes went in, took out CoccoSooz's ticket, and gave it to me, and I was in. Yayyyy!!
The movie was pretty awesome :) Not better than the book, but then again, when does that ever happen anyway?
I was, of course, going for Team Jacob :P even when I know Edward is the real thing. Taylor Lautner is well, delicious looking... to the point where my mom agrees with me on that (lol yeah, imagine THAT conversation); and Babes was rather resented cuz I like Taylor Lautner (the dude that plays Jacob) and he was a very obvious resemblance to Jacob wannabe (hence the name); but whatever.
I went home, all good, night's over yadda yadda yadda, I hit the bed, night night y'all.

Next day, I get a text from Jacob wannabe himself, telling me we were at the same theater and he saw me a couple times. I asked how he could be sure it was me... and he said he saw me with Soozi. Dammit (this is why I say she's becoming a landmark).
I asked why he didn't bother to come and say hi, and he explained that he was with PB. ( SO I WASN'T CRAZY AFTER ALL!) and that he didn't want her to get all upset and well, psycho.
I was a little curious... so I asked him what auditorium he was in.... he said 8, and that there was barely15-20 people in that one.
I'll admit I spent about an hour laughing at the fact that my minor tantrum with Babes spared me a looong dramatic encounter with the evil creature that PB is.... Jesus works in magical, mysterious ways.
Anyhow y'all....
In sum, the movie was good, the ending was expected (if you've read the books anyway) but good nonetheless and I had fun; all of which is what really matters.

Til the next one folks

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

All in a moment's notice

This is a mental note. This is an archive. This is a reminder, a "saving the date for future reference" post. This is me keeping a time-line of the story behind the scenes. This is me being a pessimist and mentally preparing myself for the backlash of the whip.

Monday night was not supposed to be like this.
I was not supposed to let you hold my hand, nor give me a hug like you and I were not just mere acquaintances, or at most friends; a hug that gave me inappropriate mental images and left my head whirling.
I was not supposed to talk to you for hours on end like nothing as ever happened and we are two people simply getting to know each other.

But I did.
And I'm not sure exactly what happened. I don't know if it was something you said, or if it was something you did. I don't know what the hell it was, but it got me good.

I'm starting to let my guard down with you.
Looking back, last night, I did things I'd never done in the 5 months I've known you. I let myself stop freaking out about the meaning and implications and situations and just really enjoyed the moment.
I laid my head on your lap, and looked up at you. We talked for a bit. I took your hand and placed it on my cheek, so you would touch my face. You traced your fingers lightly, almost tenderly, and I felt joy. We talked, I laughed and forgot about the boundaries and consequences, I stopped the screaming voices in my head and just relished the moment.
I even reached up for a kiss, which you landed on the tip of my nose with a smile. For a split second, it crossed my mind that the moment I was relishing in was not with the person I have those kind of moments with, Babes. It was with you, Jacob wannabe.
That night... It was rather memorable to me...
but you... you drove home and disappeared away into the night, into reality, into life and I crash land into the world off of cloud 9 wondering when I'm going to feel the sting after the burn and if I'll be able to handle it with grace. I hope so.
Until then, I'll just hang on to that moment, that little trace of what could be but will not.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

What had happened was....

I swear it wasn't my fault!

Ok, well, kinda.
Y'all already know where this post is going.
I did... again.
Well, actually, not kinda.
So what, yeah, I hung out with Jacob wannabe again.
Let me make it clear that this was on a Friendship-only basis, and there was no date-ish crap involved. Ok maybe a little. He bought me a milkshake and paid for my entrance to the movie. The END.
Anyhow, all in all it went pretty well. Rather insightful day it was.

In light that we haven't really hung out recently, we were just catching up, talking both amongst ourselves and with our friends, Blackwhite guy and American Kate Winslett; who were house sitting for some of their friends.
Jacob wannabe's been rather caught up in his own drama, to which, after lending an ear for him to vent some frustration, I'll limit myself to saying is rather fukttup, and with which I have maintained myself as far as possible. I sure as hell don't wanna be there when shit hits the fan cause it ain't going to be pretty.

On the other hand, I can tell you that I figured out that I like my dogs the way I like my men. lmao. This came to light because where we were there were 3 dogs: 2 Great Danes and a Doberman.
Back in the day, (which was a Wednesday by the way.... Dane Cook joke) in DR, I had 2 Rottweilers, which had several litters together. The very last litter was birthed in the guest bathroom of my house, and for almost 5 months, we had a set of 12 puppies running around the yard, yapping away with their adorable baby barks.
Anyhow, for those of you that don't know, a doberman is pretty much the anorexic version of a Rottweiler. Literally, they have the same marks, the same features, same colors. The only (Very noticeable) difference is well, weight/build.
Now, I don't wanna hear none of that BS that people say about Rottweiler's being vicious and big. They are big softies. I loved my rotties and to this day, anytime I see one I get overwhelmed by an intense desire to hug one.
That said, after some thinking.... I came to the conclusion that the Pilot is to Jacob Wannabe as a Doberman is to a Rottweiler.
Well DAMN! I'll admit that I burst out in laughter at the thought of it, cuz, well... yeah about that.
So, with that said... I'll stand by the fact that I like my men like I like my dogs: built, scary looking, big softies, and that are able to make me feel safe, and well, with some meat on their bones! lol

Back to the real theme of the post, the date-ish thing whatever with Jacob Wannabe and our friends went pretty well. Nothing overwhelming. Watched the movie "The Box" (a post on that is coming later on), went back to the house, cooked some chill and rice, and ate while watching "I love you Beth Cooper". Went back home. The end.
We spent over 2 hours talking when he dropped me off home... and well, what can I say? I like the guy. I like a lot of things about him...  but damn, there are plenty of UGLY things in there too.... most of which are deal breakers for me.

But, on the brighter side of things, listening to him talk about all his BS & drama, I finally finally FINALLY figured out why the hell I have such a damn infatuation with the guy:
He is literally, EVERYTHING I WANT, wrapping up EVERYTHING I DON'T.
How's that for an relationship version of Pandora's box.
the fuckktup part about everything is that KNOWING and SEEING the ugly parts does not, very regrettably, take away the attraction to the good parts... so yeah... about that... since we all do what we can or what we must... the only real thing I can say is that I gotta keep ma distance.

In even greater news, I can say I am anxiously waiting on Thursday....
NEW MOON bitzniches!!
I'm going to the midnight premiere straight outta work :P
So even if I can't get the reality checked version of Jacob in my life, I can at least watch the "real" Jacob, in the movie, and dream like a 12 year-old school girl crushing on the cute boy in class. lol
I've already got my ticket, lest it should happen to be sold out (yes, it has happened pretty much everywhere around here), and I'm going with my besties  :) I'm even dragging Babes into this one lol
I'll leave y'all with a poster of the good stuff in the movie :P

Catch y'all laters
-Jezz ♥

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Thicker than water

Oh Bloood,
so much thicker than water
you're drowning me twice as fast
a cross between mud and and quicksand
murky and sticky
no matter how dirty things are
I am unavoidably bound to you
and the more I struggle, the sooner I sink
I'm trying my best to just give in, but
how do you hold still watching your life pass by,
feeling each moment slip through your fingertips
seeing snapshots of what could've been flashing before your eyes
while slowly losing faith that you'll ever get out of this alive?
All we have is fear & faith, hoping for another chance to seize the day

"Slowing Down"- Anthony Green

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long time coming.
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never change.
Well I never wanted it to feel like this, to feel this way.

I'm just afraid that if you stay...

Things start slowing down for you and I.
It's been a long, long, long, long time...
If you keep holding onto what we've lost.
You're gonna drag down the road behind us.

I never wanted it to feel like this, to be this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay we'll never ever change.
Well I never wanted it to be like this, to feel this way.
I'm just afraid that if you stay, you'll hate me.

[[[ I'm afraid that if I stay, I'll hate you...]]] (#._.#)

Monday, November 09, 2009

Prisioner of my own desicions

Well Damm. Post Secret, ya manage to do it again.
Maybe at some point things will be different. Until then, I must say I concur.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Dad - part of the untold story

I don't really talk about my dad. In all honesty, I'll admit that I avoid thinking about him as much as possible. However, my tumulous relationship with him marginally defines my view of men, my fears and my own relationships.
My dad was never really there. For circumstances I can't quite explain, my parents were split for 9 years, which began when I was 1 & 1/2. They did, however manage to get back together when I was somewhere between 9 and 10, and thus my little brother, whom I'll nickname Chino, came to be.
After almost 7 years together again, my parents decided to move to the US from Dominican Republic. Much debate ensued from the idea, and finally, my mom moved to the US and my dad was left behind to finish up the process. Except it never quite finished.
Again, for circumstances I can't quite explain, my dad never made it to the US.
Instead, he found a mistress, whom happened to be a family friend whom we knew from church. Yes, there is ugly in this world, and I'll admit that my dad having such a richeous and do-gooder attitude and character bit him in the ass. This would also be the part where I mention that my grandfather, whom I love and adore, also had a mistress whom was my grandmother's niece. The real reason I mention this is because my dad, richeous do-gooder as aforementioned, was ruthlessly judgemental of my grandfather's affair; and then ended up having to choke on his own words.
Anyhow, my relationship with my father has always been tumultous, conflicting.
I was a free-spirited child. I was, by no means an angel. I was curious as hell, and sneaky too. I will however give myself some credit and say that I was on the good side of things. I was pretty much your average kid.

I don't mean to critize my dad in a negative light,  I understand that as parents, no-one hands you a guide book on how to discipline your kid and how to raise them to be honorable, well-rounded, disciplined individuals. I know in my heart of hearts that he had the very best intentions in mind and that he loves me.
But, as we say Amor no quita conocimiento (love does not take away knowledge). My dad was not the easiest person to get along with. He has such a rough personality, a rough character. He fails to understand the power of his words and his critique, both for positive and negative. In many ways, his harsh ways are part of the mold for my own character and also the demon behind my own insecurities.
In his effort to build a strong character in me, he has also left vestiges of fear and self-doubt that I constantly struggle with. I'll admit that, to this day, I constantly seek for my parent's approval in everything I do, out of fear and respect. This has also caused me alot of pain, and sacrifice, but I just don't feel right when my parents dissaprove of something I've decided to do. I feel hindered, like there are chains over my shoulder. I feel like there is a black cloud over my head wherever I go.
My main gripe about him has always been that he fails to realize that you catch more flies with a teaspoon of honey than a barrel of vinegar.... and quite the barrel he had.

He was a cadet, it was his dream to be an army man, but for medical reasons, he had to drop out. He was always very strict, organized and methodical from a young age, according to what my grandmother has told me. These strict views collided with my need for independence and liberty and space. During my high-school years, I was usually only allowed to go 3 places: Church, school, and my grandmother's house. Other than that, I had to be with either parent everywhere I went.... all the way through Senior year in highschool.
Yeah.... about that. This triggered me to learn how to climb out the balcony, over the roof, walk the wall between my house and my neighbor's and jump over the 15ft fence in my house. Yes, I did. This was my only way to see the world, even if it was only to catch a cab to my bestie's house to sit on her porch and talk bs with a group of people. To this day, I wonder if I really got away with it, or if he turned a blind eye on me and let me THINK I got away with it. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Nowadays, my dad is in Spain. From what I know, he has officially broken away from the mistress. Then again, we hardly ever talk, so what do I know, really?
During the years we lived together, my dad hardly acknowledged birthdays. He would usually wake me up earlier and express, in a very formal tone, that he wished that I had a good day, and I had the opportunity to have many more birthdays. I don't know bout y'all, but to my 11 year old self, this was rather puzzling and quite dissapointing.

This year, however, he managed to remember my birthday, early even. It's this Thursday, and he already called my mom and spoke to her because I was alseep yesterday.
He sent a present this year, all the way from Spain. He also sent a card.
Although many people see this as customary and unimpressive.... it means the world to me.
I'm literally in tears over it.
He sent the meaning of both my first and second name, in little framed boxes.
These have a personal meaning. In my grandmother's house, where I lived for part of my childhood, there were two sets, one for my grandmother, and one for my grandfather; and I would always look at these in awe, because of how simple and charming they were. I remember mentioning to my dad that I wanted a set of my own at some point. Now, I have my own.

The real reason I'm writing this post is for anyone out there with a kid. Anyone out there with a daughter, any dads that might happen to be reading this.
Know that, as a man, and as a father figure, you mold your child's personality and your actions impact very profoundly on their lives. Know that your lack of expression of affection will not go unnoticed in them, and will leave them craving for something only you have: true, uninterested love and aprooval.
Know that you are the stick to which they measure the men they will have their lives, and in your absence, the only other way they end up judging men is through facts, hearsay and trial & error.
So, if you happen to have a daughter, tell her she is the most beautiful child on this earth and make sure she knows you love her.

As for me, I've added my little frames to my wall. I promise to post a picture later on.

Night night y'all.


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Well damn

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”
-C.S. Lewis

Help? anyone??

I'm doing a little maintenance. I get bored with things looking the same for too long,and frankly, I like the whole idea of switching things around.

I do not like, however, things not going as planned and things not working as they should.
Sadly, this is the case for my header.
I'm trying to add an image.... and no matter wtf I do, it still doesn't work :(
Any ideas or solutions for this?? I miss having a wonderful image up there :/