February in the life

I'm staring at the page wondering where to begin,  but the reality of it is that I'm not even sure.
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...

Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.

Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.

In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.

As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.

I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
 I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?

....

About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls)  and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!) 
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)

While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.

Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.

I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...

In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.

Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)

Much love to all.

-Jezz

I meant to make it longer but...

This is, as usual, the catch up post where I dump everything within recent history before I erase my mental temporary files and cookies.
Sorry for the analogy... working on IT gets to me sometimes.
Anyhow...
I've got some explaining to do, and not the good kind, the kind that I know makes people (you know who you are) call me wondering WTF is wrong with my head and when I'm gonna grow up.
But I'm only gonna be young once, and if I'm alive, I've gotta make a story worth telling; specially since I'm like writing a novel loosely based on facts and circumstances that may or may not have occurred in real life.... I'm gonna be rich and famous and then people are gonna wonder if I'm crazy, boy crazy or just simply in some dire need of fame and fortune. Which I kinda am but whatever.
Notice the rambling? I'm avoiding the subject at hand. I do this more often than you'd think. I'm turning it into an art form of sorts, and it'll be a mysterious and beautiful confusion.

So here we go:

Shit just got real. Like for real life.
My little brother is leaving to Spain by the end of the year.
Yup.
I'm having a minor nervous break down here... I mean, I've been taking care of him since I was 13. Not just your usual hanging out in front of the tv... I mean, diapers and bottles, building play dough creatures and blanket forts and fixing things, and bathing the dog, and learning how to write and bedtime stories and eating my ice cream secretly before I remember it was there.
I mean, doing home work and sharing secrets, and talking about the girl with the really really blue eyes in his catechism class, and debating on what kind of roller-coasters are best, and fighting over who gets to sleep in the bed with mom, and tickle fights mid afternoon and random nicknames that have nothing to do with anything.
He's my brother, but he might as well be my own kid. I mean, I have to admit, I've learn to understand my parents by dealing with him. I've learn to appreciate the innocence and happiness and carefree approach to life we have when we're not blindsided by our goals and ambitions and what we're going to do for the rest of forever.
So the thought of not having him around is like... impossible.
I mean, who else am I gonna hunker down when I get home? Who's cheeks am I going to kiss when I get home? Where am I supposed to find that cute baby smell when he's not around (and yes, there's this spot on the top of his head, that STILL smells like heavenly baby goodness, even though he's 10 and thinks he's "cool"), who's going to wake me up saying "Jissy, Jissy, tengo hambre"?
I'm sad... and technically, I'm not really supposed to be.
After all, I'm the big one with a life ahead of me and a bunch of places to travel to and a million things to do, right? So why is it that I see him being the fearless adventurer that I saw myself as, and I'm the one feeling like a deer caught in headlights?
Maybe it's genes, I think we all have a bit of that "bring it on" attitude in our blood... but hey, I have to admit...
I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am.
I told him "What am I supposed to do when I come back? (Yeah, I'm the one escorting him to Spain to my dad's house. It makes perfect sense cuz I'll get to spend time with my dad, who I haven't seen in about 3 years, and take a nice little va-cay and well, drop off the kiddo). I told him I'd cry in the airport and he'd have to tell me to go get on the plane... and this kid told me "You'll be alright. You're a big girl and you have stuff to do when you come home". I think there might be a Buddhist  monk trapped inside this child. That would really explain alot.

I had the intention of writing about other random things and happenings in life, but I've kinda lost the inspiration to....
I'm not quite looking forward to the new year much right now...

anyhow,

I'll get back to y'all on the rest of the stuff I've been up to.

much love,

Jezz

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

My brother gave me "sound" dating advice, and stated that I needed to set Jacob Wannabe straight on who's the one in control round these parts. Or something like that. I'm not quite sure. In an attempt to cheer me up from my dating funk, he invited me to tag along with him and his best friend, whom we'll call Cuban Hottie, to a club for a night of fun... and then Jacob texted me. This gets interesting.

Make up attempts at fixing my year- The Cuban Hottie Episode

After work, the guys are waiting for me downstairs, and off we go. My brother even brought my favorite jeans and the new shoes I'm crazy about. I must've been that depressing. Damn.

So off we go to La Rumba, one of the few decent hispanic clubs from around. Cuban Hottie and my brother, whom I usually call Dude, were on a flirting streak and were surrounded by chicks all night. I was the cool one with a drink who looks smug. Or you can look at it like I did, I was the lame one with a drink bored beyond belief. Either way. Same Difference.

Cuban Hottie, whom, in all honesty, is about as smart as a puppy, had a broken leg. With a Cast. And he's at a club. Dancing. We're all talking, we have a couple shots, joke around. We decided to dance. These two guys were pretty much outnumbered by girls, but it was still fun to have them looking in every which direction. Eventually almost everyone goes off, and I'm left dancing with Cuban Hottie. My phone fell out of my pocket. I had a text message. From Jacob himself of course. He was asking me what I was up to and how my day was going. I'll admit that I did answer and said all was good, but then I gave Cuban Hottie my phone and decided to keep dancing. Eventually, he left and I kept dancing with a few other guys.

Well... Cuban Hottie kept getting my messages, and Dude, brother that he is, decided to see who it was. Upon realizing it was Jacob himself, they took it upon themselves to start texting Jacob pretending to be me.
They manage to tell Jacob that I'm on a date with Cuban Hottie, and that I had a very very good mojito and that Cuban Hottie can dance better than anyone I've known. As some sort of "finishing touch" they added that he likes me a lot too, but I'm not trying to get serious or anything.

O.M.F'N.G.

The thing is, they didn't tell me at all.
I was still dancing away, laughing with my brother's friends and having a good time.
I get back to the table, and Cuban Hottie still has my phone, and we keep talking... and then my phone starts ringing, and he accidentally answers the call. He says it's Jacob and realized the call was on, as I'm saying Just ignore it, I don't wanna talk to him.
Oops.
Guess it was too late for that.

I went to the patio area in the club, and took the phone call.
Jacob asks me if the guy he heard was Cuban Hottie.
I asked him how he knew who I was with, to which he rather puzzled answered that I told him that on my texts.
I look at my phone, and go over my messages... and see what was done... and start laughing while Jacob is confused as hell.
He asks me who is this Cuban Hottie and where I met him, and slightly bragging, I tell him that he's my brother's best friend, and a regular at my house, so he sleeps over every once in a while.
Pretending to be worried, Jacob asks how much I've drunk already and how much has he, I tell him I only had a few mojitos, and explain how Cuban Hottie doenst drink much or often because he's diabetic.
Finally cutting to the point, Jacob invites me to go watch episode 4 of Star Wars with the dominican crew and I say ok. We agree to have him pick me up around 10-11am. At this point, Cuban Hottie comes to get me cause we're doing another round of shots and I'm the one that leads the crew.  I laughed and told Jacob I had to do cuz my date was waiting, to which he simply hung up.
Mission accomplished, I guess.
I have to admit I was feeling pretty damn good after that, although I'm not sure if it had anything to do with making Jacob jealous or if it was purely due to my 2 mojitos and my 3 shots.
We eventually left the club, went to Rey's Tacos, another regular place for us, for the Sober-me-up after club food, and somewhere at the break of dawn, my guess is between 5 and 6 am, I got home.

I guess we can consider this a redeeming act in the fact that I'm steering away from my dates with Jacob, and I'm out and about again. However, doesn't the fact that I am relishing in making him jealous make it counter-productive?
I'm not sure. Whatever.

I swear my life is a crazy melodramatic novel. With sick plot twists.
I'll finish the rest of the story on the next one.

Catch y'all laters!

_jezz

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now. 

In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.

He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.

-Funny side note-

In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.

During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.

Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.

>_<

There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.

We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.

Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie. 

Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.

I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep. 

I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.

I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.

We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.

As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all...  I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?

Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.

We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.

Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.

All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and  embarrassed and remorseful.

Go fucking figure.

Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle. 

This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.

Yes, I texted back.

I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.

It might help.

Laters

-Jezz

Refletions on Gravity and Gratitude

You can’t stop yourself from loving someone you shouldn’t but you can’t force yourself to love someone you’re better off with.

I got that phrase from here, at the The Bulleted Something ( a blog which I am kind of jealous of because I feel as though I should have come up with that first).
Why is it that as humans we are constantly tempted and lured by what we want but cannot have?
Why do we overlook what we get freely?
I have to wonder.
There are countless posts about me and Babes. Things of the past. A relationship that will never end: my best friend. The one who finishes my sentences and my jokes, the one who can comfort me, and ease me, the one who can soothe and relax me. The one who feeds off of my energy, who knows how to make me smile and whom I share so many memories with. He is -as of right now- the one man I trust. After knowing him for so long, and know how he and I share an indescribable bond, I am utterly open with him; I am vulnerable and sensitive and I believe he wishes no harm.
But as much as I love him, and believe me when I say I do; I can't force my curiosity out of me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head of wondering what else is out there, who else roams this world and what they are like, I can't stop asking myself if there is anyone in this world I could learn to trust and I could share a similar bond with.
Why is this? Why are we humans genetically encoded to not be content and satisfied with the things we already have in our head and hearts? Wouldn't we all be happier if we could learn to be that way?
Makes me think of John Mayer's song "Gravity". Here are the snippets that apply to this post:

"I'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart could stand
dream of ways just to throw it all away"

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good
and can't sustain what one half could
It's wanting more that's going to send me
to my knees"

Well folks, this is my queue. Just remember to be content and grateful with the many blessings you already have. I'm learning to do the same with mine.

New Diggs at work

Yeah, new offices. **Pics coming soon**
They're ok I suppose.
I'm kinda starting to get tired of this job, and that's something I can't allow myself to do. I see no future growth opportunities, and I specially don't see myself applying the knowledge from my major here. Not a major disappointment, just not uplifting in any way.
The new diggs are further from home. About a 20 minute drive, as opposed to a 10 minute one. I have to admit we've been pretty lucky with our jobs, because they have all been quite near to home.
The thing about the new diggs is that we went from 3 person cube divisions will full walls, to individual cubicles that are divided at seat level. Meaning, literally, transforming into a call center. Major downer for me. I feel as though it was a downgrade for the staff, but hey, maybe that's just me.
The cubicles are also organized by work areas, so I won't be sitting near Carolyn anymore. She'll be sitting, facing me, two rows away. Sad Sad Sad. Big Momma used to scold, laugh, listen and advise me on everything you could think of. At least she'll be a holler away, right?
There is not an ounce of privacy anymore. While on the floor, anybody and everybody is visible. Which is something NOT cool with me at all. This means that I am now going to have to reduce my web surfing and actually WORK -gasp!- lest I risk getting fired, which is kinda not cool.
I do however, have a panoramic view of ... trees. There is a lake in that general direction, but since I'm sitting and there are another 3 rows of cubicles ahead of me, all I see are trees. And the office window of the COO. Great.
The company is now also changing names, and steering towards a more -call center- like appearance and operation, and it's kind of a shame for me. I guess, it's kinda that time again. After a year working at Gap, I was getting tired and depressed, the same thing that's happening now. After a year and a half, I started looking for another job. In the economy we are in, I can't afford to get a lesser-paying job, or to lose the one I have, so it looks like I might be here for a while. That does not, however, undermine the feeling of dread I get nowadays when I have to sit at work and well, work here.
Oh damn.
Anyhow folks, I gotsa get to work. Catch y'all later chumps.

A good reason to tone down the texting.. (o_0)

Yesterday turned out be a random day of sorts. Everything was going fine, i guess, until my math class rolled around and of course, the one day I understand everything and am not bored out of my mind, I get repeatedly disturbed by random BS.
It IS after all, a four hour class... the four hours sent from hell if you ask me.
Anyhow, it all started like this:
I got out of Des105, hung out with Dj and Babes, London and Magic 8 (people I know from campus). Ate some food, took an energy drink. Went to Math class, and texted Jacob wannabe.
Yes the infamous sorta kinda something or another guy I've been hanging out with.

Before the odyssey of a four hour class really began, I drank the energy drink, which if you ask me, tasted like shit. Considering he drinks these things like water, I asked him htf he managed to do that. He answered back, and a slow conversation ensued. Mind you, I am in the middle of class, texting under the desk while looking at the teacher and somewhat participating in the nonsense people these days call trig.
Anyhow, I randomly get a text saying, and I quote from my Inbox:

"So when are we gonna have sex again?"

UHM!!! WTMFFF?!?!?!
I should I figured at this point that this was headed the wrong direction. But oh nooo! I decided to engage in this obvious madness because, fyi No, I did not (and the whole situation that ensues from this text has assured that WILL NEVER happen) sleep with the guy.
So I text back saying I seriously doubt that's going to happen.
In an awkward-psycho like twist, he says: But you'd like to?
again.. WTF?! I tell him I like you and I'm not getting myself into a situation I can't handle.

=Brief Intermission=
In my previous post about Jacob Wannabe, I mentioned he had a gf.
On the get-go, I stated clearly that we are nothing but friends and I would not get involved in any kind of drama or shenanigans of sorts.
Somewhere in between then and now, they broke up *cough BULLSHIT cough* but were still "talking to each other" (please note these are some of the reasons why not much has been heard of Jacob wannabe recently. I mean, c'mon, do you IDIOT placed over my forehead?!)
Anyhow, based on the status change (which I doubt ever took place) conversations ensue about relationships passed, and things were said. Nothing of any consequence. Nonetheless, I maintain my original intentions: I'm not getting involved, and whatever, life moves on. Or something like that.
During one of our times hanging out with friends, it came to the light that his now ex, was somewhat of a manipulative kinda crazy person... not by his words, but by his friends... all 7 of them. I mean, I know guys will be guys, and of course they will talk smack and exaggerate; but when they congratulated him on getting his balls back because he finally stood up for himself and ended a relationship that had been on the demise for what seemed like a while; a girl's gotta wonder.
=Continuing the story=

Anyhow, he gets this insane desire to know if I'd like to and I made a point that 1. I am not his fuck buddy and will never be, and 2. that he needs to go fuck Psycho Bitch (his now "ex". Why the name? you'll figure it out)

He insisted that I'd better. UHM... okay... Soooo, who was a vivid inappropriate imagination? (o_O)
In somewhat of a smart ass moment, I reply that better implies ALOT more than an occasional lunch and a couple text messages.
No answer from Jacob wannabe.
I text back again saying "not much to say now? yeah I thought so too."

He then says PB texted everything before.... but I was too caught up telling him a couple things... and I quote from my Outbox:

"So thank you for proving me right. It's a damn shame, but hey: at least I know I was right all along.

Cuz honestly, let's be real. Did you ever really break up with PB? Probably not. That said, go running back to her while you still can get laid, if that's what you need...

Cuz let me put it out clear for you: Neva Eva gonna get it. You proved exactly why I can't and won't trust you. Good Job Jacob wannabe!"

At this point I read the message where he stated he just got back his phone, and that PB had it all this time before.... Instant in which I feel blood boil over me, and I start seeing red, and I can't hear anything... mind you, I'm still in class, it's a privilege and a shame I know my keyboard so well (lol).

Then, to interrupt the whole thing, I get a message from my mom. My brother, the brilliant creature I see maybe once a week even though we all live in the same apartment, has decided to get into his own kind of shenanigans. Messing with the law kind of shenanigans. Older sister role clicks in, and I leave class, and talk to my mom and somewhat figure out what needs to be done. or something of that nature, and try to avoid the though of slapping my brother around when I get a hold on him. But anyhow, let's leave the fam out of this.

So, after reading this last msg, I am FUMING, as in about to break shit kinda angry. It suddently dawns on me that, hey, I'm pretty sure it's still her talking BS... but maybe I'm wrong. The combumtion of things are starting to pile up, it's 9:00pm, and I've only got 4 hours worth of sleep from the night before, which doesn't add for much mental clarity.
I've already left the classroom, and decided to stay out. So I responded to Jacob wannabe/PB that THAT was a lame excuse, and I didn't want to know more. I then added that he need not call me until he takes care of his shit with PB; that I don't like or need any drama but that if it came down to it, I would fuck her up. (yea, I'm a gansta bitch like that. Have you ever seen an angry latina? You don't wanna. We mix white chick crazy with some Ghetto shit... lol)

I proceed to smoke a cigarrette. Mind you, I do not smoke... ever. I cooled down for a little bit. Talked to Magic 8 for a bit. Talked to Babes for a bit, and that helped plenty. I was still pretty wound up about the whole situation, but I managed to talk some of it off.
Turtle text me asking if I was ok, I stated that I would be staying outside, and asked him to let me know when class was over; and he said ok.

In the meantime, PB answered, again from Jacob wannabe's phone, saying, and I quote from my inbox, yet again:

"Sweetie if you think you can take me then you feel free to try. Although I have to say at least I'm not a fucking easy lay and by the way that was me just messing the whole time. Cause I thought it would be funny. Just goes to show how easy you really are!"

UHM. Did I ever say I slept with him? NO. Did I ever engage in such activities? NO.
So can someone please tell me why the hell this heffa talking bout shit she don't know about?! In my anger, I end up breaking the cigarette I was smoking by accident, which kinda pissed me off a bit more.
At this point, even though I know I could mention some of the things said during my conversation with Jacob wannabe in regards to relationships past, I decide not. I stand by my original thoughts of not getting involved. So what if she's some crazy chick who's kinda stalkerish if you ask me. I still decided to mess with her mind a bit and not clarify that I didn't sleep with him, not because I care what she thinks about me (because I don't) but because I knew it would certainly make her mind wander and wonder if I ever did.

I responded that I'm not wasting my time on her, and told her not to talk shit about what she doesn't know. In an attempt to disengage from the whole situation, I ended my response with Have a nice life. (lol I know, kinda pathetic, but IDC)

She responded: "Oh but why when bitches like you are so easy. And my life will be nice with my lovely boy."

I must admit I got the last laugh, and in all honesty, it was a good one. I ended the conversation with "Yeah, you go SETTLE for THAT. lol"

At this point, class has ended, Turtle texted me, I went to get my stuff, and Turtle had also taken some notes for me, which I must admit was really really nice. I head home on the shuttle. I take the train. I call mom. I take the bus. I get off at my usual stop to wait for mom.

Jacob wannabe calls. At this point, I don't know if it's him or PB, but I answer anyway.

Fuck it. Bring it on bitch.

He tells me he just left her house, and that he was soo soo sorry.

I let him apologize. Asked him if he had anything else left to say, and he said he was sorry again. I told him : "Yeah... about that. I don't have much to say. I'll talk to you whenever I talk to you. Have a nice life" and hung up.

He texted again saying he was sorry.

In all honesty, I suppose it's not really his fault. But then again, I said the WHOLE time, I didn't want any part or piece of this kind of crap. In hindsight, even when I clearly stated I didn't want to get involved in all this drama, I did the minute I went out with him in a sorta kinda something like a date even though he has a gf. I suppose this is the part where I acknowledge that I brought this upon myself or something... *shrug*

I got home. Ate dinner.

I decided to ask him if he had read the conversation or if PB had erased all the mgs. He said she had erased everything and he swore he had no idea what she said and that what he said over the phone was the truth.

I told him I would forward him the whole conversation so he would know why I won't be talking or hanging out with him again.

He responded saying: "ever again? So you want nothing more to do with me?"
I just forwarded the messages from both sides.

Anyhow, this was the official demise of our whatever it was:

-"Wow. I'm so sorry about all of that. I don't think of you in that way at all. Plus, we just talked about how we're only gonna hang out with friends and not go on dates. I swear to you that's not who I am. Especially to you. I completely understand if you never wanna see me but please let us be friends whenever you wanna talk to me again. You're an absolutely stunning person and I'd hate to lose you completely. I'm sorry."

***"Yeah... I don't know... I feel shamed and scorned for the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do: get involved between you two. And that's the gem that is your girlfriend."

-"We are broke up, but you are right, I am still talking to her. You deserve to be the only girl, not the other girl, and I'm so sorry for putting you in that position. I hate that this happened to you."

***"Anyhow, at this point, I haven't got much to say... I think it's best you deal with whatever bullshit you two have going on, cause I WILL fuck her up if I get a chance.
And about being friends? Maybe. Not for now. But at least know you know why. Ttly"

-"Ok. A maybe is good enough for me. Thank you..."

The End.

***Names have been changed to reflect my anger and maintain some degree of respect for my privacy (not her personal identity).


So... Wow.. Interesting.
Why did I chose to cut him off cold turkey instead of just ignoring the whole situation? I'm not quite sure, but something in my head told me it was the right choice. (maybe it was the voice of reasoning or the echo of my mother's words resonating, I dunno.) I just decided to remove myself from further drama, and like I said before, the minute I decided to go on that single, infamous date with him, I got involved.
In a sense, I'm pretty clear that he didn't quite have a role in the drama. However, who the fuck leaves their phone within reach of a well-known manipulative ex gf, even if you're "still friends"?
And her. Don't get me started. I have a strong dislike for bullshit, drama, and all around bitchass-ness. But that was just two steps too far for me. I just hope I never get to see her.. cuz it's on, b!

Anyhow, it is now past midnight, and I gotsa get ousta here... But some questions remain to be answered... did I really bring this upon myself? Was my anger out of line? Or was it well deserved?

Another day in the life :)
I'm actually kinda happy today.
Never mind the fact that I have very few hours of sleep behind my eyes, and that I had to come into work at 8am to get some training done (inhumane considering I don't get home til 11 on Wednesdays and then have to do school work, usually until I crack at 2 am), and the fact that I have yet to eat breakfast despite the fact that it's almost 5 pm and I have another 7 hours of work to go.
I am happy. (My mood swings scare the crap outta me sometimes though.)

Jacob wannabe is going to Florida this weekend, so I don't have to deal with the constant struggle of liking him but not letting myself like him too much.

Babes moved out of his dorm, and moved in with one of his friends from Georgia.

Last night's class with Has wasn't bad at. Matter of fact, last night's class wasn't bad at all. Considering it's a math class, and my mathematically impaired brain, and the fact that I understood everything (well, almost everything) was awesome. Austin (another math team mate) and I had some decent conversation in breaks, ranging from his wife and daghter to my brothers and school and of course how awful math is and even some latin american food he's tasted with his wife's cooking.

Next friday is the Incubus concert (YEAH!!!) and I can't wait, since I have tickets to the pit, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STAGE (Loving my life about that :D) and a I'm taking a salsa class is September, which will be kinda fun too, considering my partner is gonna be Jacob wannabe.

My carpel tunnel is back too :/ and to make matters worse, it's also affecting my sketches a bit.
Oh, and now that I remember, I left my sketchbook on campus last night, in the math room. I didn't notice until I was halfway home, at which point, it was pointless to try to get back to campus because it was closed. I called some friends and they told me they'd try to get it today, but I haven't heard any word that it's been secured. That sketch pad has all my sketches for Figure Drawing. As in, hundreds of one minute sketches, dozens of five minute sketches and a couple of ten minute sketches of live models; which of course, I won't be able to re-do. Bummer.
I'm not letting that get to me though.

I'm happy today and bent on enjoying that.
I do have to work though, so I'll catch y'all later :P

-Jezz

I hate Bank of America

I hate Bank of America with a PASSION!


I had a Suntrust account, and I was a happy, law abiding citizen. I made sure I kept my balance straight, had my savings account and paid for my trip to NY, never had a credit card or a loan, just kept things simple. But my mom, tired of having to take me to the bank to cash my check, insistently nagged about how much of a drag it was to take ME somewhere else and that I should open an account with Bank of America, and that it was "the bank of opportunity" and that they were really really nice at the branch near my house.
I, silly, innocent I, as usual, decide to follow mom's advise and sure, go ahead, and open an account with Bank of America. I swear that right now, I have this insane urge to go to the nearest branch and hijack every last cent they have. Those people are trained to scam you, I swear.
I have had a horrible horrible experience with them since the day I opened my account.
I mean, my credit card was maxed out the day after I opened the damn thing. Then it was a fraud charge on my checking, which was reimbursed. Then there was the charge that went through two weeks after I used my card, and of course, I got slapped with an overdraft fee.
Then there was another fraud charge on my checking. Someone withdrew $600 from my checking account. This is school tuition money, that I work 10 hour daily shifts for. Rent money that I give my mom. Food money ( and believe me, never should you ever mess with me and my food!) and most importantly this is what caused me to have to use my credit card myself. I was never refunded those $600, no matter that I called numerous times and spoke to a million bzillion people and had like 5 claim numbers. I kept speaking to reps telling me that this issue was under investigation, that there was an account manager assigned to this and whole lot more baloney. Ultimatly, I got tired of getting the roundabout, went to the Bank and demanded to speak to the Branch Manager, just to find out that since the claim had been "Closed" over a month (which no-one decided to call me and let me know) there was nothing that could be done. Grrrreat.

See, I work in the Customer Service industry myself. I know what it's like when someone calls all frantic about something, so I try to be nice, civilized even. But what good does that do when people take advantage of you? I still decided to be the better citizen and take the high road... God will serve them their justice, I just gotta deal with paying off the pending balance on my credit card and close that damn thing out.
So why is it, that now I have 3 fraudulent charges on my account, all within 6 days and I also have 2 overdraft fees and I now owe the bank $200 that I didn't have to begin with?

So I got charged for a company called A1 Memberships, and here is the funny part. They first charge you $1.97. Then they charge you $2.17, and THEN they charge you $72.21. Please add overdraft fees here as necessary.
The even more messed up part is that they even have a phone number listed on the transaction description. It's 866-200-5473. Google it and see what you get. A listing of people saying they got Fraudulent transactions with the same general description: A1, several charges, $72.21, fraudulent charge.
It's supposedly from some "online source" that sells "Google kits" and that someone found from an add on Facebook. Like, SERIOUSLY?! and then, even more hilarious, the company is based in India, and it's a POS transaction (Point of Sale). Meaning you'd have to be in India and use your card to make the transaction. REALLY MF?! Don't you think I'd have enough money to cover the damn transaction IF and WHEN I was in India? Even more hilarious is the fact that several transactions for the same date were made in GA.
The exact same date.
Only ONE card for the account.
India and Atlanta, GA, within several hours.
In case you need a geography lesson, let me educate you a little: It would take several flights to get there, resulting in a total travel time exceeding 8-10 hours.
Now that all of this has been said, I'm a little cooled down. I'm still very much puzzled on how a single account can get targeted so many damned times within a YEAR!
I also happen to pay for credit protection. Biotches! you ain't protecting nothing when I get charges from India from shyt I didn't even try to buy, in a place I ain't ever been to!!!
So now I get the fantabulous task of once again, dealing with Bank of America Customer Services tomorrow.

"If these are the best days of my life, then someone shoot me now and get it over with already!"

-Jezzuka (2004)

Well chumps, that all for now... I'll keep y'all posted on this drama :/
Wish me patience. They're the ones that are gonna need the luck.
P.S.: If you a story that includes hostages, Bank of America, robbery and an Indian company called A1, it might've been me. haha.

The balancing act

SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)

After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.

As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.

That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]

Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.

Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.

Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.

More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!

-ttys

So far in 09...

I'm at home, burning cd's into my pc, bored with life, pondering on the events of last month. Shit is crazy. Life is just crazy all around in 09. (o_0)

• New Year's- Party at Donna's, going to H.aS.'s house, going to Loca Luna, falling asleep til the next day!, then going home and getting dressed for work... getting to work and falling asleep (LOL)
• My Valentine's day Date with H.a.S., and my present, and dinner, and Loca Luna with my friends
• my dad moving to Hamburg,Germany;
• My relationship with H.aS., and all the issues that came up
  
• my parent's incessant drama among themselves,
• dropping my GPA to 1.37
• Working with Ms. Shay (my academic advisor) and bringing my GPA back up to 2.67 in a single quarter (I'm going to get it back up to 3.5 by next quarter, just you watch!),
• longing for warmer days,
• Ally J announcing she's coming over in June/July,
• dealing with mom & dad's reaction to my relationship with H.a.S.
• trying to figure out wtf i'm supposed to be doing
• dealing with babes and how our relationship changed,
• finding out about he and CoccoSooz moving out here and going to AIU,
• H.a.S losing his grandfather,
• my tax return and having enough money to buy a car :D
• the tumultous way babes and CoccoSooz arrived in GA, H.a.S and babes actually meeting (akward!) and the rescue mission to Lavonia, GA
• going thru orientation, getting them (babes and CoccoSooz) set up in their dorms, getting registered for class,
• changing my routine, going over to their dorms every other day, chilling, hanging out
• feeling caught between babes and H.a.S., trying to divide my affection and attention between the two,
• the incident between H.a.S. and babes the night after the club (o_O)
• deciding that they are NOT going to hang out together, ever
• trying to balance out my time evenly
• realizing my life is a friggin mess, and taking time to get myself together slowly,
  
• deciding not to buy a car just yet, much to my disdain
• the Blogger conference in Chicago in June
  
• my aunt losing her father,
• dealing with work and all it's incessant changes,
• mom reading my blog, and all my drafts and flipping the f! out ( ay yikes... :S)
• ALLERGY SEASON being back and me being miserable and sleepy,
• dealing with Dr K and her lisp (rawr), and getting a B on my 1st paper :D (told y'all I'm getting that GPA up)
• getting bangs on my hair and having everyone tell me I look like a child (wtf?!)
  
• convincing mom about me going to Chicago for the blogger conference (after the incident with her reading my drafts)
  
• Sabrina, Chris and Joey coming down from NY, trying to fit in and still be nice

Somewhere after the combumction of events that have occurred in the last months, I've managed to get some sort of peace of mind and order...
I still have like a million bzillion things I need to get together, but for now, things look pretty hopeful.
Some things still worry me. I still feel like I'm working with a ticking bomb, and that before I know it everything will blow up in my face, but at least I have my own little version of a support group going on.
I'm a tab jealous that soozi's been here for like 2 weeks and she's hanging out with celebrities? (uhhh wtf b?!) but I know good and damn well that she just manages her way around people like that (lol)
Oh, and work is still a biatch. I admit I'm still there for all the wrong reasons: the money, the schedule flexibility, the hours (even though that's also part of the reason I want to leave), the prestige, oh Lordie!

Anyhow, it is now 1 pm and my sorry bum needs to get ready for work :/
I'd promise to blog more oftern buuuuttt...
Idk what's 09 has in store for me in the next month... I swear I can feel something brewing already...
anyway,
catch ya latta chumps.

Another day in the life- Version 3.10

Spring has come around and my spirits are higher, I feel a LOT better when waking up, and I'm usually in a better mood.
But today has a store of bad things for me.
My right eye hurts and feels like I'm about to get a stye :( [see my previous post styes, Fate]
My average went from A to B- in PSP111 due to my absences.
I was able to hand in a late paper, and I can also give a speech for some credit, which should help my cause, I suppose.
On the good side, I handed in my Transformational Leadership paper in early, for a change. I was somewhat proud.

I went to Financial Aid... hoping they could help me re-finance my payment plan and then take in my tax information.
Well, no only is my advisor gone, and they lady that did help me pretty much did everything BUT, I was also informed that
1. There is nothing FA can do for me,
2. I need to re-submit my FAFSA,
3. I need to harass my mom to re-submit her FAFSA for me as well, and
4. I have to deal with Student Accounts.

So, now I stroll to Student Accounts, and find out that Khadija, my Student Accounts advisor, is no here anymore... I mean WTF?! I now have deal with Mrs. House, a lady so stuck up she might as well have a stick up her @ss to keep her straightened up. She then informs me that I must first pay off the balance in full before any changes can be made, which is bullshit, cause for the last year, I've been going to Student Accounts and getting my payments re-structured in order to be able to meet all my school deadlines. Great. So now I owe a grand total of $1300 to school, BEFORE I can register for next quarter, which mind you, starts in approximately2 weeks from now... ajaa...
Now here's also the tricky part. I ahve a measly $400 in my back account. Sadly, I got paid last friday, a meager 4 days ago... meaning I have another week and a half before I get any more cash flowing in.
So. I am left with 2 options. I can either dip into my car savings and put that in for my tuition, once again, making my car purchase date left to somewhere in the distant future...NAAAH I DON'T THINK SO!
But it's either that, or Pay what I have now, and then pay my next paycheck in full and then find out a way to scape up another chunk of money for my late registration fee and then wait 'til my ext paycheck in order to get the books I need. Oh, and not eat or go out or break anything for the next 5 weeks... haha.
Ah.. the wonders of college life.
Overall, I think it won't be so bad. I think I can manage it... I'll hoard off the food at home... and I mean, who needs to go out on the quickly dissipating 2 weeks of vacations between semesters?
This is nothing! This is where boys are made men, well in this case girls are made Superwomen :P
I need to get my life together, seriously.
Should I take a second job? I've been considering going back to ON on saturdays, or even Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays as a Logistics agent... I wonder if they're hiring again.

Nonetheless, I'm still gonna take a self-defense class or something next quarter. I need to have something to vent, cause I feel like I'm boxed up and can barely breathe sometimes.
But, truthfully, I actually feel a bit better now, after venting.
I just remembered both of my best friends in this world are coming in 10 days, and will be here for Moral Support. YAY!

Anyhow... I need to get back to work.
Life calls citizens.
Till the next one....
-Peace out

The infinite list of things I've been putting off

(I think I'll need to create my infinite playlist too :P)

-unit 4 DB
-unit 4 Indiv
-unit 5 DB
-unit 5 indiv
-Post on Jezzuka in class blog
-catch up with work (close old tickets, update existing)
-call Vikki about payment for hospital bill
-make appointment with cardiologist
-laundry
-pay phone bill
-make plans for A's december trip
-investigate flight, stay, things to do in Washington for trip with G
-call DV
-start making Xmas shopping list
-find screen
-file papers in blue box
-to buy:
~shower curtain
~file cabinet
~storage bin
~new xmas tree & ornaments
~black coat
~purple jacket
~item for turtle's "etchd"
~coat rack
~new cam
-See Bridget Jackson: change major at AIU to VisCom
-go to FA and re-package for next quarter
-set date for BC with turtle
-get my nails done




(to be continued... :S)

Stressin'

yet another day in the endless wanderings of life and I wonder WTF does it take
after decades of struggle, i still see them in the same place,
i still see them struggling with the same things, the mundane,
daily life driving them insane
and I see me, caught in the center
while they run around me in this vicious circle
I'm wanting out, but I also know they'll lose their balance
if they see me go....so what am i to do?
The sand clock of my life has no rewind button,
and I see the grains slowly slipping by
like silky smooth liquid
I see my days going right before my eyes
It's march, blink, it's june, blink, it's august, and before you know it you're 10 feet under, 20 steps behind
life beat you up before you even got ready and you didnt even realize,
still in a haze, don't even know what hit you, your time is gone, and what did you do?
all these years have past and you have nothing to show for them
nothing but your plain empty hands and this gap in your heart

how do you keep the faith when everything is just so damn hard??
when all you build, you watch fall apart?
when Divine providence does not come down to your aid?
How do you believe?

Days pass and I constantly wonder what does it take
and all I can do is laugh
cause none of us are getting out of this alive.

Murphy's Plans

As some of you may know, Mr. Chewie, my dear and beloved BF lives in PA and I in GA.
So, considering the fact that we live aproximatly 1000 miles away (yes, i looked it up on Google maps), we don't get really much face-time (which totally sux).

This weekend was the grand mid-year visit for which I had actually PLANNED all kinds of fun, intresting things.
There was the day we'd go to the beach and hangout with my friends, the day we'd go downtown, to Buckhead, and to a couple museums (yes, we're geeky like that), maybe rent Kung-Fu Panda or go to the movies and grab dinner.
There was also the day we'd go to six-flags and go to the pool, go clubbing at night, and somewhere in between all the activities, we'd find some alone-time to hang out.

Turns out, Murphy had his plans for my plans. Not only did Murphy manage to totally mess up my plans, he also found a way to change my time-frames. Murphy, my dear friends, is a bitch.

First off, Chewie missed his flight. He got reassigned though .... for the next day (so there went my plans for day 1). On my way to the airport, I was fumming, to say the least; just dying for my chance to say those marvelous 4 words we all (myself included) hate to hear: I told you so. But once I got the airport, just the sight of him: duffle bag and hat, dimpled grin and honey-colored eyes, was enough to take me away to la-la land; I was utterly speachless and blushing, so happy I had no words, just like the very first time we kissed.... and off we were to our fabulous weekend of great adventures.

My friends managed to change their minds about 50% of our plans 3 hours before, effectively leaving me stranded and then utterly clueless as to where to go to kill the time... so we just watched tv (hey, homer was hilarious and the rules of marraige even more so, but it was the fact that we were kicking back and talking fce to face that made it all amazing).

We didn't go clubbing... or to the beach... or to the pool... or to the movies.
We did however, go tubing on the Chatahoochee river in Helen, GA and having a picnic with my friends, we did go to Buckhead and walk around for a while, and we did get to grab dinner together twice.

Now, let's get into the subject of six-flags.
I, am a daredevil. I love the adrenaline rush and have no fear whatsoever of feeling the blood rushing to my head and screaming my lungs out. I LOVE six-flags.
But, for some strange un-foresited reason, which I believe to have been my own enthusiasm, I completly. and absolutely forgot the fact that Chewie, manly man that he is, suffers from a condition I call Vertigo.
As you can see, this is quite the recepie for disaster.
I was giddy and excited and practically jumping upand down while he was dreading the moment, or, to be more presice, the whole day; at least I saw it that way.
Once we were in, I had a sudden epiphany: he found this whole scheme to be of utter misery; and here was I, happy-go-lucky, to the whole idea of it. My bubble was popped and I was feeling very much miserable at the thought that I dragged him into this. I was crushed.
So we pretty much spent the day in silence, with him constantly asking me if I was ok, and I constantly making some lame excuse: "I'm hungry".... "I'm full"... "I'm tired" ... "I'm sweaty and icky" ... "I'm just thirsty"... and so on.
But we both knew better than that.
He was the one to touch the wound first: He knows me better that I give him credit for, better that I know myself sometimes. He knew exactly where to put his finger and I confess I wasn't exactly trying to reach out.
Ultimately, HE SAYS he had a good time and that he enjoyed the rides we got on. I SAY he bared it thru and is really just trying to by nice. YOU can cast your own opinions.

We didn't go downtown, nor did we see Kung Fu Panda; we didnt go clubbing, nor did we visit the museums; but we did find some very much needed alone time to hang out by the pool at night, and eat burgers and milkshakes at 4 am. Taking walks in the dim-light suburbs in the middle of the night is quite romantic, I must say, until you're laughing so hard you're making dogs bark around the neighborhood (jeje... he's outrageously funny that way :] ).

Today was also chaos. We had left his jeans in one of my friend's cars when we were at the river. We ALSO left his cd case (which he might as well worship) in the car of ANOTHER freind and he was most definetly NOT leaving without it; both of which we managed to retrieve at the very last minute of his stay, causing us a significant delay.
I wanted to go all the way out to the airport with him like I did last time, but reality is a brick that Murphy had hidden up his sleeve, and and tossed at me with maquiavelic premeditation. The delay was so bad that we had to say our goodbyes on a crowded train. A bug hug, a kiss and some whispers were all that I had left once the train pulled away right in front of me, his face indellible in my eyes.
I ended up waiting 20 minutes for the next train and then another 30 minutes for the next bus. I might as well have gone with him to the airport and and come back in time for my bus. Murphy had his way once again.
Needless to say, today work today has been endless. I was late, but then I realized that everyone else was too (not that it's an excuse but these are special cirumstances: I only get a visit every 4 months).
My schedule, once 8am til 4pm, is now 2pm til 10pm... what a misery.... and I'm dying to pick up the phone and hear his voice.
Ultimatly, the weekend seemed longer than what it really was and 2 1/2 days felt more like a week, and as usual we had a ball just because we were together :)
I'm more than eccstatic to have seen Mr. Chewie, live in the flesh, and have had my short share of time....
... and I can't wait til November <3 <3 <3

Killing time at the office

I'm slowly dying in this awkard working-ish enviroment:
6 people all in a single office, one oval desk and each with a PC.
I'm the youngest one.
One is reading some news about two cops that were shot.
Two is bidding on some items on Ebay.
Three is watching videos of gay guys on youtube (some weird funny shyt)
Four is listening to music, Ruben Blades, I think (She's colombian)
Five is the only one trying to work with our crappy system that is down and doesnt work more than a minute straight.
And I dear friends have done some research in the wonderful world of google.

The right word for my annoying un-avoidable condition is ORZUELO in spanish, and STYE in english. that bitchy little thing ('>_<)

The article in wikipedia is quite thourough, including a nasty pic that gave me shivers, but, concering my post, these are the most relevant parts:

Los orzuelos suelen aparecer a causa de una debilidad orgánica que produce un descenso de las defensas, lo cual deriva en una proliferación de los gérmenes que tapan las glándulas oculares. Esto produce la blefaritis, una inflamación de las glándulas locales, que es la que produce la formación de orzuelos.
Las debilidades que generan las llamadas congestiones palpebrales (de los párpados) pueden tener un origen general (anemia, gripe, estrés) o bien producirse por motivos locales (miopía, hipermetropía, astigmatismo sin un debido control).

El tratamiento del orzuelo se basa primordialmente en la aplicación en el ojo afectado de paños secos calientes durante diez a quince minutos; tres o cuatro veces por día.

So I guess there is some truth behind myth!!

And soo, I will continue my quest to the cure, but for now the clock struck 4:00 pm...

I'm outta hurrrrrr!

Fate

After another set of grueling days at the office and the last not-so-sad, but more happy-to-be-leaving days at the store, we are HERE.
All is good, more or less, more than less I should say...
But why is it that fate finds it hilarious to fuck up other people's lives....when they least expect it? Cause unfortunately, after all my constant hustling back and forth thru my days, I have fallen prey to fate.

Let's get a little dominican here. To el mundo conoce o a visto un pana con un onzuelo (if that's the word for it) ... some weird shit that makes your eyelid swell to the point it looks like you either had a severe allergic reaction to something, or like you got your lights punched out.... yup... I am fortunate enough to bear one of my very own!!
of course, the timing for this was the absolute worse, cuz I'm going to a concert, and my boo is coming out here (and he gets to see me like this after 4 months and a haircut since I last saw him), and I'm going to the beach (I wonder if salt water would make it heal faster?)

Anyway, I was bit with the curiosity of finding out more details about this bizarre condition that causes me eye-stabbing pain, so I did some "investigating" (if you can call it that).
According to my mother, it's kinda like a distant cousin of conjunctivitis, and closely related to cold-sores -which i hate with a PASSION- and that there is nothing that I can do except let it run it's course, and it'll go away on it's own (arrrrg!)

According to my aunt, this is just me having a nervous breakdown because of stress (i say that's BS), and that if (lol, this is ghetto Dominican shyt) if i heat up a spoon on the stove (I'm telling ya, Dominican ghetto) and let it warm up and then place it on my very-painfully-swollen eye and that it'll help it heal a lot sooner and prevent it from swelling even more (I'm not taking chances with that :S)

And then, of course, there's my grandmother's theory, which I personally find hilarious.
She said: -"muchacha eso fue un mal de ojo que te echaron!"
ayyy las famosas supersticiones de las abuelas!!! Mejor aún está la solución a mi problema:
-"Tu lo que tienes que hacer es irte a la iglesia, pásate la misa entera de rodillas y cuando salgas úntate agua bendita y resa un rosario por quien te echó ese mal de ojo, y a los 3 dias eso va a estar sanado"
So not only superstitious, we are also quite religious as well!
I being I, exercising my dominance of 3S (stubborn, selfish and stupid) decided to put ice on it. I mean, when you bump your head and get a swollen bump, you put ice on it, right? Well, aside from giving me brain-freeze, and irritating me quite a bit, it didn't really do much (:\)

Now this is the funny part, which motivates me to say
♫♪"Fate is a cold hearted whore. She loves nothing more than to salt my wounds..." ♫♪
(just for the record, this is the lyrics to an alessana song!! pa k despues no piensen!)
I had to get my pic taken for my ID badge for work (shoot me, pleeease!) NO EXCEPTIONS as I was not-so-politely informed. (._.) damn.
So, terrified of coming out with and awful pic that does me no justice (like the pic on my ID, and my fake ID, and my YMCA card, and my school ID, and any other form of ID), I succumbed into curiosity and went for the warm spoon... and I have to admit it worked a lot better than I thought it would.. jeje.. guess they really weren't that far off from the mark!
I went to work the next day, with my eye, not as swollen as before but still quite visibly affected and turn my face to the side for my pic (You can faintly see my swollen purple-ish eye on the far end though).
So now, that I tried the spoon I'm wondering if it wouldn't be so bad to go to church ... how bad could it possibly be? hmmmmm
Well peeps, I'm back to pretending to work. This is our 2nd week of training and the system is still down so there isn't much to do but to munch on pop-tarts and mess around with the software, but knowing my luck, I don't really think that's a good idea...
but hey, gotta keep face!!
so anyway... that's all folks!! :P

Another day in the life... The going ons

Another day in the life, here we go again
The damned travelclick software isnt working.... so i'm blogging (instead of working... and still "makin dat paper, booboo")

I miss my hair :(
Yeh yeahh i know... You dont have to say "we told you so Jess"
[for those of y'all that didn't know, The model on the cover once has long hair; but she was 3S (Stupid, Selfish and Spitefull)
and chopped it all off herself (yup... that would be me:$)
BUUUUT!! recognizing my 3S syndrome I donated most of it to Locks of Love (a foundation that makes wigs for Cancer patients) so at least I tried to make ammends!
But good news is that it (my hair) is growing quite quickly xD

Ma boiz are goneee (T_T) they're both in DR, visiting my dad and my gramps and unlces and aunts and that whole set of extended family you only see on special days...
I have been bored outta ma minddd... the house is WAAAAY too quiet for anything
and I got no-one to bug and bother and no-one to scream at the tv and eat my dinner
and no-one to say "jessyjessyjessyjessyjessyjessy MIRAAAA!!! mira lo que yo puedo hace en el juego!! (,_,) i miss my chinease boy!!!

Sooo NEXT friday I'll be seeing Mr.Chewie and roaming the city :D
Long distance relationships require a LOT of commitment and dedication
4 months of no face time is the longest I can go... I still need hugs n kisses!!!
but as hard as it can possible get... I wouldnt trade it for the world <3>

so yeahhh... funny... I'm sitting in a conference room with 5 more people and I'm the youngest one here (>_<) so I've been adopted as the baby girl/ office pet/ advice collector here... jeje OHHH wait! i just remembered.... this is like NEWS!! uhm, ok.... let's hit rewind for a bit... so I have been working for the last year and a half at Old Navy, spending my days folding t-shirts and stacking jeans. Then I started working at Sweet Tomatoes as Catering Coordinator, organizing offices lunches and talking to people about what they wanna eat and at what time. Quite some time after, I FINALLLYYY!!! got into college, a whole 2 years after I grad'd from high school in DR and now it became a balancing act: 1 PT morning job, 1 PT night job and being in school PT too. So summer gets here and I've got 7 weeks to just work my butt off... but i DON'T wanna work... I'm hating my jobs, leaving at 8 am and not getting home til 10 (or later!!!) and dealing with Alpharetta's soccer moms carrying endless conversations in which I one have one main word (O_o) for example: -"omiggoshhhh my kids have grown like SO MUCHH!!" -"oh really?" -" yeahh!! and they're like, goin to camp!! and i mean, it's like, they totally need a whole new wardrobe!! -"yeah, really" -"cuz it's like, it's summer!! you know?!" -"yeahh, i really do" and so on and so forth... .... so anyway back to my story


I was bored outta my mind on a sunday night, so I finished updating my resume and then decided to (tan tan taaaaaaaan) post in on Career Builder
yeh yehhh I know, kinda lame, but whatever, at least I'd give it a shot, right?
I applied to 3 jobs, got call backs on 2 and got an offer for a FT position (^_^)!! YAYYY!!
I got hired and I know wear suits and heels all day, feeling like I'm playing dress up :$
and now I sit on my butt all day and get paid... how bout that?!


(its sad how I've just made this whole post when I should've been "working" but the system is down :\ but oh well)

SO nowww I start back into HW on the 21, which is the day Chewie leaves back to Philly, and is also the day I start evening training, and is also the day I get my new books for school
but other than the over-crowded schedule, life is dandy for now, at least til ma boiz get back from DR in august (O_o) and then the back to school comotion begins...

oh wow look at that!! it's past 12:30!! Chow time!!! catch ya latta chumps! =P