In which the recent developments explode and we're left wondering WTF

so... this post is slightly dramatic, and quite frankly  I don't really care.
In the last 3 weeks the following has occurred in the over-eventful life of Jezz:

My pc crashed days before my project was due... which of course was stored in my pc.
I was able to restore it, but now the tablet functions and the speakers don't work... at all.

My car broke down, and became undrivable... while I was in traffic gridlock... at 8 am... on my way to school... and I was scared out of my wits.
I managed to make it to the repair shop, and then they quoted $547.00 to fix it.
Haha.
I left the car there for like 2 days.
I went to a junk yard with a few friends, and bought the piece my car needed for $50.
I took th piece to the repair shop, and they started to fix it, but then they said they needed another part.
fml.

I went to work... only to find out that ... I no longer have a job.
I should say that I'm upset... but I'm not...
I was HAPPY.
How insane is that? With the economy and the fact that I've got bills to pay... well I have no idea what's gonna happen now, but I am SO! HAPPY! to be gone from that place after 2 1/2 years of that blank void!
But, what really sucks that I found this out AFTER pay $30 in a cab to get to work, since my car was at the shop.... I could use those $30 bucks right about now.

There were some program changes on my degree... and now there are some new required classes, which of course I haven't taken, and then to make matters worse, the one class I was forced to retake this quarter (because I failed it once, and then withdrew from it the time after) is NOT a required class after all, and of course I find this out AFTER I almost committed suicide several times which trying to force myself to do the hw. Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. Now instead of being eligible to graduate from my associates' in January, I'll have to endure another 2 quarters, and then be able to transfer schools by June. Which is fine I suppose. I mean, it's not like I've got other big things to keep me busy at the time, no job and all...


I'd say that is all, but when has Jezz's life not included some romantic life drama? hehe...Besides, I know you wanna know....

SO I went to one of the Dominican Crew's get-togethers.
This was a baaaad idea.
I planned to go in my car, and let mom go in hers... but she parked behind me and basically blocked me until I said I'd go with her... even though I literally begged her to let me drive my car over there... but fuck it, I went with mom.
We got there. Said hello to the usuals...
and then, of course, they were there.
I don't need to elaborate, do I? In case I do, I'll say it. Jacob & PB were there.
I wasn't mentally prepared for that.. . it was like NYE last year, all over again, except this time I looked like crap and she was on point, and I was also sick and tired from all the Other bs I've been dealing with.
I might add that, at this point, after I had a minor panic attack and reemerged from the bathroom with the reddest dace I've ever seen myself have, Mom felt bad, and said that she was sorry. But sorry was kinda late cause I was stuck there for the rest of the night, with no way of being able to leave.
The night went along, I felt kinda left out, but whatever, they disappeared to Pilot's room, and I just ate, and texted the night away.

A few days later, I got a few calls & msgs from the man himself, in which he said "That night totally sucked. I ended up going to Pilot's room & crying all night cuz I missed my dad. I wish I would've talked to you more, you always make me feel better."
uhm... whatever dude.

On some random good notes:
I have, at this point, managed to torrent the missing drivers on my computer, so there is a slight possibility that I *might* be able to get it back to where I miss having it. The computer, that is. Ha. I'm hoping that once I restart it, the drivers will work and I'll be able to listen to music and play PvZ with my pen and kick some zombie ass.

I got my car back, and it's working fine. It makes a weird squeaking noise though.

I have registered for classes again, and thank goodness, I get some graphic design classes (Computer Design II, Fundamentals of Color and VCD Lab Instructions)  mixed in with the missing business ones I've got to take (Microeconomics, Macroeconomics and Principles of Accounting, if you must know)

I have more free time than I can manage... I'm bored outta my mind! I've cleaned the car, done all the laundry and the housework and done some Xmas shopping with what little I have in savings (yes, I was semi-smart about saving. Thank Goodness!) and been to Borders and Barnes & Noble this week more times than I had in the last 3 months... so... here I am....
I'm hoping that it doesn't snow here, cause that would totally suck, however it seems very likely in the near future. Oh well.

and that, dear friends, are the recent developments in Jezz Land.

love ya's all around.

-Jezz

Antother one comes & goes....

So another year comes & goes, I have to say that even at this point, you manage to amuse, bewilder and exacerbate me beyond words.
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:

"You're too pretty to be so apologetic about yourself"

You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.

Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.

But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.

I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)

Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch.  xD ♥

much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P

-Jezz

I meant to make it longer but...

This is, as usual, the catch up post where I dump everything within recent history before I erase my mental temporary files and cookies.
Sorry for the analogy... working on IT gets to me sometimes.
Anyhow...
I've got some explaining to do, and not the good kind, the kind that I know makes people (you know who you are) call me wondering WTF is wrong with my head and when I'm gonna grow up.
But I'm only gonna be young once, and if I'm alive, I've gotta make a story worth telling; specially since I'm like writing a novel loosely based on facts and circumstances that may or may not have occurred in real life.... I'm gonna be rich and famous and then people are gonna wonder if I'm crazy, boy crazy or just simply in some dire need of fame and fortune. Which I kinda am but whatever.
Notice the rambling? I'm avoiding the subject at hand. I do this more often than you'd think. I'm turning it into an art form of sorts, and it'll be a mysterious and beautiful confusion.

So here we go:

Shit just got real. Like for real life.
My little brother is leaving to Spain by the end of the year.
Yup.
I'm having a minor nervous break down here... I mean, I've been taking care of him since I was 13. Not just your usual hanging out in front of the tv... I mean, diapers and bottles, building play dough creatures and blanket forts and fixing things, and bathing the dog, and learning how to write and bedtime stories and eating my ice cream secretly before I remember it was there.
I mean, doing home work and sharing secrets, and talking about the girl with the really really blue eyes in his catechism class, and debating on what kind of roller-coasters are best, and fighting over who gets to sleep in the bed with mom, and tickle fights mid afternoon and random nicknames that have nothing to do with anything.
He's my brother, but he might as well be my own kid. I mean, I have to admit, I've learn to understand my parents by dealing with him. I've learn to appreciate the innocence and happiness and carefree approach to life we have when we're not blindsided by our goals and ambitions and what we're going to do for the rest of forever.
So the thought of not having him around is like... impossible.
I mean, who else am I gonna hunker down when I get home? Who's cheeks am I going to kiss when I get home? Where am I supposed to find that cute baby smell when he's not around (and yes, there's this spot on the top of his head, that STILL smells like heavenly baby goodness, even though he's 10 and thinks he's "cool"), who's going to wake me up saying "Jissy, Jissy, tengo hambre"?
I'm sad... and technically, I'm not really supposed to be.
After all, I'm the big one with a life ahead of me and a bunch of places to travel to and a million things to do, right? So why is it that I see him being the fearless adventurer that I saw myself as, and I'm the one feeling like a deer caught in headlights?
Maybe it's genes, I think we all have a bit of that "bring it on" attitude in our blood... but hey, I have to admit...
I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am.
I told him "What am I supposed to do when I come back? (Yeah, I'm the one escorting him to Spain to my dad's house. It makes perfect sense cuz I'll get to spend time with my dad, who I haven't seen in about 3 years, and take a nice little va-cay and well, drop off the kiddo). I told him I'd cry in the airport and he'd have to tell me to go get on the plane... and this kid told me "You'll be alright. You're a big girl and you have stuff to do when you come home". I think there might be a Buddhist  monk trapped inside this child. That would really explain alot.

I had the intention of writing about other random things and happenings in life, but I've kinda lost the inspiration to....
I'm not quite looking forward to the new year much right now...

anyhow,

I'll get back to y'all on the rest of the stuff I've been up to.

much love,

Jezz

On Love....

I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
in life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs
that you take as your gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
in life after life, in age after age forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
its ancient tale of being apart or together,
as I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
you become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
at the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell--
old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
the love of all man's days both past and forever:
universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
the memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours--
and the songs of every poet past and forever.
        --Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

The californication of LIFE!

God works wonders.
Things and people leave your life for the best reasons, even when you can't see it.
Believe in Divine intervention.... God doesn't abandon his children.

I feel... empowered.
The thought that I have someone protecting me, in all my madness, is comforting, and empowering.

What's been going on in the life?

My parents are trying to get back together in Spain.
My dad lives in Spain, and my mom wants to move to Spain soon, as soon as she gets her US residency documents.
They're planning on sending my little bro to Spain by the end of the year, and from there, Mom leaving early next year, hopefully with my other brother, the middle kid. He has some loose ends to tie up before he leaves, and the goal is for him to leave soon too.
As for me, well I'm up in the air. I don't exactly want to go. I have student loans here to pay off, and also, I kinda have my life on track here... I'm just not sure if my parents are kinda okay with that idea just yet. o.0

I kinda got into ...another... car accident
In my defense, it was raining, and when I looked before changing lanes, the dude was stopped at the light. seriously, like a split second before I switched lanes.
However, that said, I am aware that I'm the one at fault... and it sucks. On top of that, I got a citation for driving with the wrong license class, and it sucks.... but I don't really have to deal with that until December.... soo....yeah. For right now, I've kinda got to deal with the Insurance company to make sure they deal with the scratch on the other dude's car, and then figure out wth I'm gonna do about the huge dent the driver's door in my car. :/
Nonetheless, both cars are fine and drivable, thank God. I told my mom about it, since I'm on her insurance, and there was the initial shock, followed by the subsequent anger, and then the educational speech on driving. Guess I kinda had that coming. But speaking of cars and driving....


I get to tell my gramps and dad that I'm driving and have a car.
You'd think that, months post-facto, they would've already known... but there are some details there.
I got my car, and then didn't drive it. I didn't tell anyone, other than my parents and a few friends. I got my license, and my mom said that she wasn't ready for me to tell my dad about that just yet cause she isn't sure how he's going to take it... so, we ended up not telling him. However, my little bro slipped and mentioned it to my cousins, who then mentioned it to their parents, who then asked my mom about it. So my mom told my aunt and uncle. The end, right? not.
My aunt then told my grandmother, who didn't know, because my dad was vacationing over at her house at the time. Yikes.
Needless to say, my gramps, a 80+ lady who has a minor case of hypochondria, was not exactly... as thrilled as I was. My mom was kinda pissed my aunt spilled the beans, but then called my grandma and calmed her down. She even managed to throw a compliment or two about me in the mix, and then told me about it. XD
Turns out, my gramps was just worried about the places I'd be going and stuff I'd be doing, to which my mom replied that I'm "mature and level headed and make the right choices"... XD
Which reminds me....

I'm not going to DR for my Bday
On a whim, I decided I'd try to go to DR in November and try to go to a Yanni concert with Ally J.
In theory it was perfect, there were even discounted flights on sale.
However, I didn't get the days off from work :( so no trip to DR.
but....


My gramps are coming to ATL for the Holidays again
Which is totally awesome, cuz this year is their 50th Wedding Anniversary, and we're kinda planning a bit of a party. They're so awesome they got married on Christmas Day. I mean seriously, who does that? lol

But speaking of Christmas and Holidays...


There will be no NYE party this year
Every year for the last 4 years, I've been going to the NYE party hosted by some family friends.... Last year was kind of an awkward one, considering my uhm... circumstances with JWB. However, this year, the usual host has decided to go to Florida for NYE, so as of right now, there will be Xmas/ NYE party. Which, honestly is quite fine by me, considering....

I had a JWB- fall off the wagon moment
So this is like a bad habit I can't break. Whatever, we've known that for a minute.
I had -in a regrettable choice of decision streak- decided to -once again- talk to JWB.
Texts turned to calls, calls went to setting up a lunch date, and well, we ended up hanging out and watching Dexter (the new season started last sunday BTW)
For now, all has been ok, thank goodness... I have this mental reminder that half of what he says is nowhere near true and the other half is meant to seduce me. LOL. As conceited as that may sound... whatever.
I've kinda been busy with other things on my mind to dwell much on this anyway.

Babes got a job! YAAAY!
And the best part is that he's working at this British store...Karen Millen.
owww mai gaaa
I'm already aching for the employee discount for the most amazing LBD's and this leopard print tench coat to DIE for. *_*


Well folks..... I think 'tis all for now....
I gotta finish up some stuff anyways.... so

much love ♥

Jezz

Happy quotes

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet.  ~James Openheim


Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.  ~John Barrymore


"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne


People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness.  Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.  ~H. Jackson Browne


Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.

- Helen Keller

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The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

- Mark Twain

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

- George Burns

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Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.

- Benjamin Disraeli

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The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure.

- Francoise de Motteville

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Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

- Albert Schweitzer

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The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.

- Martha Washington

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Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

- Norman MacEwan

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When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

- Albert Camus

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Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

- Robert Heinlein

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There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

- George Sand

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The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.

- John Milton

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Thinking

I'm probably pms'ing... but i don't quite feel right....
like everything is a burden like life itself is a chore, like we are dragging ourselves through mudslides and quicksand and nothing is worth the effort of movement.

>> Service Bell
I think that I've been listening to too many depressive songs.
and I think that I'm hungry, and that doesn't help either.
I really think I don't like being stuck in this dead end...
My life feels like a dead end game of tetris.


I really think I just need some ice cream.
but for now I got work to do.

...

I'll be witty

look pretty

block out your existence with my
sunglasses and bikini

you don't have to love me

& I don't have to pretend it
doesn't hurt.

Emotions

What does a feeling sound like? Like shattering glass, like a soft lullaby, like a Russian drum beat, like halting breaks and a sad lonely violin playing alone in the darkest night. Feelings are just emotions overcoming our spirits in such ways that we are immersed in them, bathed, drenched & drowning in them. We must all find a way, our own way of learning to live with them and expressing them. Some use them for good, some for evil. Some in a constructive and others in a productive way and others in a destructive manner. But then there are those who use it as a muse, inspiration... They know and see that the created result is nothing more than the emotion itself, immortalized & exposed, ripe for the picking & open for the purging, in hopes to remove the emotion itself from our insides & cast it out into the world, like a demon exorsized from our hearts, looking for a new host to reside in & devour from the inside...

Selfish...

I'm coming to terms with the fact of life that you need to be selfish.
You will come to a point where you'll have to tput yourself first.
Your needs. Your wants.
I feel as though I try to make sure that everyone else is ok so much that I let go of myself... that I stop taking into account my own things... my responsibilities...

Try as I might, how can I manage to save everyone and take care of myself....
....

I don't really know what else to say or think...
 I just want to get home and call it a day....

Random thoughts while driving- Coping

 Random thoughts while driving

... and it's funny cause I understand it, I grasp the need behind it behind it all,

Behind addictions, behind mental illnesses....

I can sympathize with the whole breakdown 

 and mental illusions, hallucinations, the need for a fix

... 

it's all meant to cope. 

They're all coping mechanisms

ways for us to deal with reality, our realities.

I cope. 

I have to cope, with everything that happens. 

But what if I don't want to cope? 

What if I just want to break down into a million little pieces and shatter away?

But I have to cope. 

I have no other choice...

For me, coping is the only thing that's left. 

Coping is the only way I can believe I'll ever get out of this mess, this disaster.

Coping became in essence, a need.
It became a survival mechanism, a matter of instinct and self preservation.

So coping is no longer coping... coping is hoping. 

Living

... 

coping is believing there is an end to this all that won't kill me in the process

....

Morning after dark

I think the only reason I'm still here is so I can tell myself I knew it all along.
Maybe I'm mistaken.
...

Maybe I'm mistaken. 

Maybe still waters do run deep. 

I'm living proof of it.

But it feels as though something lurks beneath the surface and I cant quite make out what it is... 

And honestly, at the end of the day we're right back to where we were to begin with,
doing the same things we did before, complicating this dysfunctional whatever it is that we are... 

and although I have to admit I'm kinda okay with most of it,
I'm still the biggest coward when it comes to things about love... 

I'm terrified of the outcome, yet I keep playing with fire,
putting my fingers to the flame like its nothing
and taunting fate with my tongue out like I'm a badass
when on the inside I'm just your typical girl looking for what everyone else also wants:
To love and be loved in return.... 

I know I'm rambling on in vague terms, purposely avoiding addressing the issue at hand... 

But what's a lady who can't keep a secret? 

....

oh yeah, I know... 

A girl with a blabbermouth!

Random quotes

Life moves too fast, if you don't stop and look at it, you could miss it- Ferris Bulleur

I came like Water, I left like Wind - Persian Poet

Nothing is so wretched or foolish as to anticipate misfortunes. What madness is it to be expecting evil before it comes. - Seneca
...
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for. - Maureen Dowd

When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than my talent for absorbing positive knowledge. - Albert Einstein

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. - Les Brown

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand. - Albert Einstien

I am now omnipotent. What should I do with such almighty power? The answer to that is really quite simple: Anything I want. Anything. I am incapable of error. Any result that displeases me I can simply reverse. There is nothing I need to worry on, for I am Richard. And Richard is supreme. Supreme." - Some comic book

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.
V for Vendetta

You Jabbering Your Jaw While I'm Jacking Your Jill - Kosherbeets

Why!? - Freddy P. the Monster

"Bitch, I didn't choose to fuck you!
You chose me to fuck you!"
Keefer

Girl- Hey I know you!
Me- I KNOW you know me.

Master Oogway- Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift, that's why it's the present

Te quiero at 2am

You said

"Te quiero"


what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
I mean, if I'm honest....

.... that's about a year late.

You're on some sort of mission... it's like you only want me when I'm not there. You like the chase.
and it's all good and fine....

the only thing I've ever asked is to not play around with my feelings,
which,
happens to be the one thing you cannot help yourself avoid.


NOW you're on some sort of good behavior
single,
being honest
calling me every night before you go to sleep
texting me all day to see how everything's going on my side of the world...

but the truth is...

it's still a year late...
and I didn't bother to wait for you that long.

Primitive Lifestyles- Critical views of civilization.

People interested in the primitive lifestyle, or in a perspective from the mind of this Securo Sapiens as versus agriculturally industrialised automatons should read some essays criticial of civilization. I suggest John Zerzan (Excerpts:)

"The project of subduing nature, begun and carried through by agriculture, has assumed gigantic proportions. The “success” of civilization’s progress, a success earlier humanity never wanted, tastes more and more like ashes. James Serpell summed it up this way: “In short we appear to have reached the end of the line. We cannot expand; we seem unable to intensify production without wreaking further havoc, and the planet is fast becoming a wasteland.”"
-- from 'Agriculture'

"Thus, as Binford (1968) put it, "The question to be asked is not why agriculture...was not developed everywhere, but why it was developed at all." The end of gatherer-hunter life brought a decline in size, stature, and skeletal robusticity (Cohen and Armelagos 1981, Harris and Ross 1981), and introduced tooth decay, nutritional deficiencies, and most infectious diseases (Larsen 1982, Buikstra 1976a, Cohen 1981). "Taken as a whole...an overall decline in the quality--and probably the length--of human life," concluded Cohen and Armelagos (1981)."
-- from 'Future Primitive'

"A defining feature of the present world is built-in disaster, now announcing itself on a daily basis. But the crisis facing the biosphere is arguably less noticeable and compelling, in the First World at least, than everyday alienation, despair, and entrapment in a routinized, meaningless control grid."
-- from 'The Modern Anti-World'

"We succumb to objectification and let a web of culture control us and tell us how to live, as if this were a natural development. It is anything but that, and we should be clear about what culture/civilization has in fact given us, and what it has taken away. "
-- from 'Running on Emptiness'

La vie en Rose- Edit Pilaf

LA VIE EN ROSE (French Lyrics)

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens,
Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche—
Voilà le portrait sans retouche
De l’homme auquel j’appartiens.

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.
Il me dit des mots d’amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.
Il est entré dans mon cœur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.
C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie,
Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie.
Et dès que je l’aperçois,
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

Des nuits d’amour à plus finir,
Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place,
Les ennuis, les chagrins s’effacent,
Heureux, heureux à en mourir.

Quand il me prend dans ses bras,
Il me parle tout bas,
Je vois la vie en rose.
Il me dit des mots d’amour,
Des mots de tous les jours,
Et ça me fait quelque chose.
Il est entré dans mon cœur,
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause.
C’est lui pour moi,
Moi pour lui dans la vie,
Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie.
Et dès que je l’aperçois,
Alors je sens en moi
Mon cœur qui bat.

LA VIE EN ROSE (English translation)

Eyes that gaze into mine,
A smile that is lost on his lips—
That is the unretouched portrait
Of the man to whom I belong.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

In endless nights of love,
A great delight that comes about,
The pains and bothers are banished,
Happy, happy to die of love.

When he takes me in his arms
And speaks softly to me,
I see life in rosy hues.
He tells me words of love,
Words of every day,
And in them I become something.
He has entered my heart,
A part of happiness
Whereof I understand the reason.
It’s he for me and I for him, throughout life,
He has told me, he has sworn to me, for life.
And from the things that I sense,
Now I can feel within me
My heart that beats.

------------

If I had a dime for everytime I said I wouldn't but did, I'd be filthy rich

I'm taking FULL responsibility of this.
Because I know it's my own fault.
Okay, maybe not completely, but almost. But whatever.

Can you guess where this is going?
ha.
I bet.
and I can't blame you.
BUT! I'll leave that for last.
Just to make sure you listen to me. Or something like that.

I got my car registered, and I got my license plate.
I'd give you a pic, but that doesn't like a rather wise idea.
I got the title in the mail this week too. It says J. A. A. H. on it.
and then it kinda hit me...
DAMN. I bought my 1st car by myself...
paid for, checked, fixed and registered.
I think I'm going places in life.
but that's gonna be after I get my license.
Lol. ^.^

SO.
I'm pretty much half way though the quarter... it feels alot easier this time around. I'm not sure if that means I'm getting better or it means I'm just failing at something.
Maybe both?
I'd hope neither.
If I get too comfortable then shit happens. It's a fact of life. You relax, and then you drop the ball, and screw up and holler at the top of your lungs and have a minor existential crisis or something like that. I think. I wouldn't quite know though.

I've got some interesting news of sorts...
I'm kinda not supposed to tell but... I mean, it's not like y'all live here anyways.
I had to go to Jury Duty.
This means... I was selected to be *potentially* a part of a jury.
It ended up being a TOTAL waste of my day, in which I sat in a room with 400 other people.
and did nothing.
ALL DAY LONG.
which was, in every which way, a Turkish  torture

I was there from 7:40 am...
until 6:15 pm
and I ended up NOT being selected to be interviewed for the Jury.
Which is a GOOD thing.
Being there was like an inverse feeling kickball in school...
you did NOT want to be picked, under any circumstances at all.

After they selected about 170 people of the 400, a judge came out and said that the case they were looking for a jury was a triple murder
*_*
*&^#$^%@#$
and that it would probably be 4-5 weeks of jury duty.

Anyhow.
6:30 rolled around and I had nothing to do...
so I did a BAD thing.
I'll make it short and sweet in hopes it makes it better?
I called Jacob, and agreed to go to North Ave to hang out.
SO.
That I did.
We went to Moe's and got some food, then back to the dorms & watched some episodes of True blood.

The thing is... that in doing that... I've set myself up for failure again... how can I not?
The truth is that I need to go back a little bit more.

Last Saturday, I was bored.
I was a tad... down. For various reasons, to which we can tally PMS, work, headache, hw, wanting to party and feeling like I'm 21 going on 35.
.... and Jacob texted me. something simple and *seemingly* inconsequential: I miss you and wish you feel better.
I start talking to the guy, in a non-aggressive manner for the first time in months, and he's genuinely ... nice.
Which kinda concerns me but whatever.
He asks me a question... what would be the one thing that would make me happy right now?
I answer in true Jezz fashion: Chocolate ice cream.
I keep doing hw, and later find out that he's texting me while he's in the movies ( I mean, who does that?) and told him I'd stop talking to him and tell him to watch the movie.
...
an hour later, he calls me, but I don't answer and head to take a shower.
When I get out the shower 20 minutes later, I see 3 text messages, all from Jacob.
-What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
-Why aren't you answering?
   &
- I really hope you're not asleep... I'm outside & I've got a surprise for you.

So imagine the look on my face when I go outside, and walk around the parking lot to find him leaning back in his car seat staring at his phone.
I got in his car... and he gave me the world's hugest hug, and reaches into the back seat, and pulls out a pint of Death by chocolate ice cream.
I nearly cried. No joke. I mean, there was no way in hell he could've known that my favorite cookie recipe is for Death by Chocolate cookies, and that I used to make them with the now-infamous person who was once my BFF.
But there we were and I was in awe... he drove about 30 miles to bring me ice cream at 3 am.
Maybe I'm easily impressed, but... damn.

We went into my house to get two spoons, and of course all the spoons were dirty, so he had to wait for a little.
It's funny... that was the 1st time he'd ever been to my house, and he actually noticed that too.
Anyhow, we headed back out to the car, cause we didnt mean to wake anyone in my house.. and we did the usual: sit in the car & talk, & listen to music.
Which was all good and fine, until John Mayer, Block Party and Imogen Heap came on back to back to back to which we decided that we don't mess with his ipod on random and changed it to a hip hop playlist in order to make things a little more... cordial and less tempting? I guess that's the closest word I have.

and we talked for hours again, and it's funny how I say never again, and not two weeks later end up talking to him and in a somewhat compromising situation with him again. I mean, DAMN!

So yeah.
That's all for one night's confessions.
Not that there's really more to tell, but you know.

SN: I am starting to work on making this an actual book. Yes.
Ally: you are officially the un-official editor. XD
cause you called dibbs like, a lifetime ago.

Although, Jacob seems to see this a tv show of sorts.
He said, and I quote: "NOOO! You're not getting rid of me that easy. This is only season 2. In which you dumped me and I came back with ice cream in the middle of the night. Last season's finale was the car episode... we have a WHOLE lotta more ground to cover."

Okay I guess?
Maybe I should be mad.

Anyhow, I'm gonners. It's 12:18 and I am OUSTA here.

Night y'all.
Much love

-Jezz

Maybe I should just post this anyway?

So well,

I've been kinda MIA.

I'm back in class. HOORAY... not quite.
I'm taking business classes only :/ not too awesome.
But I mean, it's better than not, right?

I'm a quarter away from graduating with my associate's degree, and I have no fucking idea what I want to do. o_o
Completing my bachelors is the ONLY option, for sure
But at what? Graphic Design? Photography? Arts?
I was so sure of my choices a while back, but not quite so much anymore.
I've even gone so far as to question whether I want to take a completely different turn and go for Psychology (which was my original choice, way back when) or Marketing (which I've learned I enjoy plenty).
In the end... I know I'm sticking to arts though. It catches me every time.

In somewhat positive news... I have a new hard drive, after the catastrophic fail of my other one, I now have a bright yellow hard drive that makes me giggle every time I see it. Yellow was my favorite color as a kid, and even today, it makes me happy when I see yellow things :P
When my other hard drive crashed... it happened to be right after I had backed up ALL my older files: my school work, my pictures, my blog posts, my videos and movies, my music, my sheet music... EVERYTHANG.
I was able to go to the IT guy at my school and beg him to try to recover my files -which he did- and I'll be getting ALL -well most of it anyway- my stuff back tomorrow !!! major YAY! :D

I got a ticket about a month ago ... not cool. I "forgot" to mention to my mom... and it later turned out that, because my wonderful mother is on the insurance and I am under the age of 24, I HAVE to tell her and get her to show up to court. WTF!

Other than that, life has been pretty low key... uneventful even.
I'm not talking to Jacob Wannabe anymore, this time, even to my own surprise.
See, I figured out a few things about him.
Whenever we hang out, something BAD happens within the few days after.
Like effin clockwork. It's like Karma is punishing me for going back on my word and dealing with a person I have no business with, whatsoever.
However, even with that knowledge under my belt, I was still tempted to go hang out, and being treated like a princess even when I know the rest of the circumstances to this story. In which he is NO prince charming, I might add.
Now, this was something I learned the HARD way.
I REFUSE, with a passion, to be psychotic control freak maniac that must have everything done a certain way. Specially, in a relationship. Or whatever, cause this dramatic whatever was, most certainly not, a relationship.
You are grown, and you know what's right and what's wrong. You are responsible for your actions or lack-thereof. I'm not going to fuss and nag and be a bitch to get you to do what I want. I'll ask.
It's ENTIRELY up to you whether or not you decide to, and that's ok. You're your own person with your own mind and opinions and wants and needs.
However. In being this way, I was also letting Jacob basically get away with murder.I was letting him be his own person, and have his wants and need, even when it meant that in his quest to get whatever it was he wanted, he would mislead me and also mess with MY feelings.
SO.... I caved. I decided to do the one thing I know can drive a non-committed man insane in 2 seconds flat.
I started nagging and complaining, and then talking about my feelings.
Funny how it works like a fucking charm.
Whenever he would try to cross the line... I'd get all "Sensitive" and tell him he's "an asshole" and that "He hurts my feelings" and he's "breaking my heart" and then, for good measure, I'd add that he "doesn't love me or care for me" like he should.

and VOILA!
I was surprised how EASILY the change happened.
See, I thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different, considering we were pretty close.
But the truth is, that these are, indeed, the true colors of the man: He didn't give a fuck.
So, when it came down fight or flight... He flew.


and so, for good this time, the Jacob Wannabe Saga has ended.
It's been 3 months strong.
Hoooray for me.


anyhow my loves, I'm gone.
Gotta get some work done, lest I should be fired.

Mucho love



-Jezz ♥

I literally, don't have a thing to write about.
Seriously.

Is this the reason I keep Jacob Wannabe around?
For the sake of amusement and entertainment, at the expense of my feelings?
well damn.
Oh well.


I'm actually feeling like writing dilutes my feelings.
Which I kind of end up needing for sketching.
Oh goodness gracious....

In uninteresting  news, I'm taking an online class again... I know, I know... but it's better than not, right?

What makes me feel a little better about it all, is that I'm actually 2 quarters away from graduating from my associates degree. It sounds so big... and yet I feel like I have done NOTHING... o_O
I'm not quite sure it's supposed to be that way?


Either way, I guess I need to start looking into my options for transferring? I want to go to the Art Institute... and find a job in my field... Maybe after I have my degree I can afford to switch over industries into the good stuff... I feel like I'm under-read in life. Lol

I want to plan ahead... I always try my hardest to be 10 steps ahead of everything... but maybe the glorious joy of it all is that we can't see what's coming around the corner.

Babes is happier. Things are kinda falling into place slowly. He asked me to go to Church with him yesterday.
I'm honestly surprised and delighted by that! Go figure. The self-professed non-believer is slowly inching his steps closer...

I haven't been reading much lately... mainly because I kinda owe the library like 50 bucks in fines (which I kinda gotta pay back eventually) and can't check out any books :(

I'm hoping that somewhere in the near future my wanderings take me to Myrtle Beach for a stress free weekend, but that is yet to be seen.
I had high hopes for taking my bum to Japan for my birthday, but later decided I'd make it my graduation present and go to China instead so I could try to be there for the new year celebrations... I might even try to see my friend Ana Maria in Sweden.... that would be pretty sweet, wouldn't it? If not, then I'd probably end up visiting my dad in Spain... that would be a trip alright. Nuff Said.

I gotta go... I'm tired beyond words, and I kinda gotta be up early too... so...

catcha later

Jezz

Feeling like a hypocrite

I'm stuck in a bind, these words on my mind
I lack the right to make a judgement 
I mean, shit, who am I?
I've made my mistakes
but i'd be lying if I say I didn't try
to make ammends, to stop the pretend
to make things better...
I'm not an angel, but I do the best I can
I try my hardest to make the most out of the things that fall in my hands
deal with circumstance and try to understand
believe that there's a ruling order behind everyone's last stance...
But maybe I've met my match
maybe I've gotten what I deserved all along.
Maybe I'm just human and confused and lost and changing
maybe it's just life but maybe I'm just blaming
every thing and one around me in hopes of obtaining
some kind of redemption or some vindication...
I'm not sure I know
if this is a curse or a blessing...
I just know I got a dose of my own medicine.

Peace, War and Coldplay

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one- Agatha Christie


Peace is not the absence of war; it is a virtue; a state of mind; a disposition for benevolence; confidence; and justice.- Baruch Spinoza

Never, "for the sake of peace and quiet," deny your own experience or convictions.- Dag Hammarksjold


You can't shake hands with a clenched fist. - Indhira Gahndi



Namaste. I honour the place in your where the entire universe resides... a place of light, of love, of truth, of peace, of wisdom. I honour the place in you where when you are in that place and I am in that place there is only one of us. - M.K. Gahndi


"A Rush of Blood to the head" - Coldplay
He said I'm going to buy this place and burn it down
I'm going to put it six feet underground
He said I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm going to buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return

Ah, ah, ah
He said Oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head to the head

(And) honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

He said I'm going to buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby watch the orange glow
Some'll laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why
So I'm going to buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

And honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane
When am I going to see that pretty face again
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

A little bit of Holiness!

“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all (wo)men, most richly blessed.”

♥ God understands our prayers,
Even when we can't find the words to say them.

♥ God loves each of us as if there were only one of us.

♥ What we are is God's gift to us.
What we become is our gift to God.

♥ When you are down to nothing,
God is up to something!

♥ The will of God will not take you anywhere the grace of God cannot protect you.

♥ A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.

♥ "Many are the plans in a (wo)man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." - (Proverbs 19:21)

♥ If you’re going in the wrong direction,
God allows u-turns.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

okay, okay. I get it.

Dear God:

I get it.

I get the point you're trying to make.

Just help me set up to the plate and make things easier. Please?

I'm headed in the direction you want. Really, I am.
I see where you're coming from. I know that you're trying to prepare me for real life and you're molding me like clay, and you'll be baking me in the oven and glazing me as well...

I understand.

Just give me faith and understanding.

I know we're supposed to go blindly on faith... I'm working on that. Really, I am, Seriously.
It's just that when I understand the direction I can follow all the more easier.

I said a prayer and you are answering. I heard myself repeat the same words I said months before in my prayer today when the proposal came through.
And damn.
I am humbled.
It might sound a little kooky or senseless, but I'm starting to see everything pull together, slowly.
Just like what happened with the car.

You didn't want mom to keep that car anymore, did ya?
I mean, she fixed it once, and it broke down again.
She left it broken and drove around like that and then it pretty much, died on her.
She fixed it again and then the coolant flooded into the car.
She fixed it again, and not a week later, she got into an accident, wrecking it completely.
And even though the car was majorly wrecked, she came out of the car with not a single broken bone or drop of blood shed. NOTHING. Perfectly. My little brother came out of the car bouncing and kicking and trying to make sure mom was ok, not even stopping to think about his little self... he even ran to my uncle's house (3 houses up the street where the accident happened) to get help. I mean, c'mon now.
They say 3rd time lucky, and you know... the 3rd time she fixed it, you decided to take drastic measures.
Ya.
Entendimos.
We go the point. You wanted her to get a new car.
And so she did.

They say that things fall apart so better things can fall together...
I can honestly say that I see why you are tearing down the walls on the life we have right now. I can feel the changes coming and I'm looking forward to them.
I can feel You rearranging things up there, and you know what, I'm ok with that. I'm ok knowing that things will be different. I'm ok, because I know Divine Providence never abandons the faithful.

I'm laughing on the inside because I know that YOU have everything in control, despite my overwhelming desire to find the solution to everything.
But how can I know I need to jump when I can't even see the rock ahead in the path? Everything, everything, EVERYTHING gets to us in DUE time.
Not when I think I'm ready, not when I want to know, not when I feel like making plans... no. You provide answers and solutions at the RIGHT time. When I NEED to know. A la hora de la hora, Dios nunca abandona a sus hijos.
So there ya go.
This is my formal response to your handling of recent events, pranks, sense of humor, character development and plot twists.
God makes a way out of no way and opens doors where there were only walls.
Dale que nos fuimos!

PS.
I know that there isn't really much of anything here... but I'll post sometime soon. Probably after the dust settles and my sinuses clear. Love u all. ☺


Catch ya later peeps

-Jezz ♥

Spanish state of mind

Pensamiento de A.Rogers (1931)

Todo lo que una persona recibe sin haber trabajado para obtenerlo, otra persona deberá haber trabajado para ello, pero sin recibirlo..
El gobierno no puede entregar nada a alguien, si antes no se lo ha quitado a alguna otra persona.

Cuando la mitad de las personas llegan a la conclusión de que ellas no tienen que trabajar porque la otra mitad está obligada a hacerse cargo de ellas, y cuando esta otra mitad se convence de que no vale la pena trabajar porque alguien les quitará lo que han logrado con su esfuerzo, eso... mi querido amigo... es el fin de cualquier nación.

“No se puede multiplicar la riqueza dividiéndola”.


"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy
out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another
person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody
else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work
because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the
other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody
else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about
the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."