Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last Minute Disaster- From Auburn to Cherry Cola

So you know how, when you're going somewhere important you usually make an effort at looking good, or at least somewhat better than usual?
Yeah, this time, it happened to back-fire on me. I say it was just trying to damn hard to prove a useless point.

Last Minute Disaster- From Auburn to Cherry Cola

I'm finally, finally, finally going to DR.
My little island, a slice of heaven on earth. With hellish heat to it.
Anyhow, it's been almost 3 1/2 years since I've been over there, and well, I haven't seen any of my friends from back home.
This is interesting.
I had dyed my hair, for the first time ever, right before my 21st bday. It went from a chocolate brown to an auburn brown, and to me, it looked the same.
Except it really didn't.
In an effort for me to really notice the different color, I went lighter... and went for a medium auburn.
This seemed to be half way decent, and you could, in fact tell somewhat the difference in the color. 
I had ambition.
I wanted auburn coppery hair... and well... I decided to dye my hair again.
For the record and in my defense, I HAD to dye my hair because the roots had grown in after 6 weeks of no dying.
Well then, I chose a Light auburn shade, thinking I would end up with my desired shade of red, a la Isla Fisher kinda thing. Or something to that extent.
That was the intention.
Based on the color and the predictions on the box.
That was most certainly NOT what happened on my head.

I waited the time, and then washed it out.
Instead of the usual dirty red water that comes as I washed off the dye, it was a dark brown, almost purple.
I thought this was a rather curious thing. Could it be that I have finally gotten the shade I craved??

Well damn. My hair eventually dried.
And then I panicked.

Now I have a cherry cola kind of red. Think Sharon Osbourne or even worse, (sorry to any who might be offended) Shakira in her red head days.
See, the color isn't really that bad in itself. It's just that they all have pale skin. Ivory. I, however, have olive skin. Golden looking.
Golden skin and fiery red hair do NOT look natural. It's just a plain old no-no.
It's the day before I have to leave and I have a mess going on... FUDGE!
This is some BS!
I gotta go figure something out, cause seriously!

catch y'all laters


Thursday, March 11, 2010

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.
After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his  number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I  made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Oh the Stubborness and the Delight

I know, I know, I have not learned anything at all. But whatever. For now anyway.

I went to see Jacob Wannabe.

This was the 1st time I'd gone back to his apartment since.... I can remember...
I think last time I went to North Ave was around October? I think... Most definitely NOT past November.

I went back, on a whim. I felt like it. I told him I was up for it.
I went over, we watched a movie, The Gods must be crazy, and then went to eat lunch at Moe's.

We went back to the apartment and watched 3 episodes of Criminal Minds.
I'll admit to the fact that I hugged him. Ok, it was a little more. Originally, we sat side by side on his bed (let me just say that his dorm is ridiculously small, there isn't room for anything other than a bed, a desk, a chair and an armoire) and we were facing the TV (which is on the desk, if you must know). But then he threw my legs over his, and pulled me closer, and who the hell am I to refuse a little affection?
He showered me with kisses and hugs, telling me how much he missed me.
But all I kept thinking about was the fact that... he's is taken.
So why does he keep doing this? Hellbent on sabotage? I'm not sure.

I like the attention, but to be honest, I make him keep a distance, and I repeatedly threaten to elbow his face a couple times if he keep pushing for whatever he was trying to get at.
I felt tempted to lay my head on his chest like I used to do... Shit, I'll admit I miss it.
There are so many things about him that attract me at some sort of visceral, primitive, instinctual level, that it's like it just bypasses my conscious thoughts...
We went to lunch at Moe's . His treat. We're talking about everything, how he missed our afternoons at his apartment watching movies, and how things could've been different if it weren't for BlackWhite guy, and the reasons why he and PB got back together... Eventually we shifted the topic to being Hispanic, and parents and my dad, and of course my pass out episodes. We briefly comment again on how fucked up our whatever it is IS, and he mentions that we should make a show with the drama we have going on with each other.
I told him I could actually write a novel based on it and he laughed.
We walked back to his apt, and watched Criminal Minds. I have to say that those must have been the 3 most messed up episodes I had seen up to date. Cuz Damn. DAYMN.

I was paying attention to the show... but he was kinda caught up in kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders.
I got pissed and told him that he's a jerk, and he backed off, suddenly worried about how I reacted.
I told him that... "You made your choices. I moved on. I'm moving on. The fact that I still cherish the fucked up friendship we share, does NOT give you the right to abuse my feelings mercilessly".
This seemed to make him think deeply. He did back off... but we were kinda cuddling at this point anyway, so he remained content with laying his head next to mine on my shoulder and his arms around me.
Even then, it was much further than I would have liked... but then again, I liked it anyway.
After the 3rd episode, I had to leave. I was set to go to a study session, and, to make sure I wasn't tempted to stay longer, I had set my alarm to buzz off at the time I HAD to leave.
The alarm went off, and I'm about to get off the bed, but he rolls me over to be lying face-up directly below him and he kisses me. Insanely passionately.
Like that day in the car in the middle of the night passionately.
And instead of melting like putty (which I normally would have), I got pissed and told him he is a selfish bastard and that he needs to stop acting like a moron.
He wasn't quite expecting that I guess.
I got up, and got my shoes and my jacket, and he fumbled and mumbled an apology. I didn't care for one. I'm not one to take empty apologies well, which he knows, and which eventually got him to shut up.
We left. He walked me to North Ave again, like he usually does.
We part with a big hug.... the one thing that gets me more attached than a kiss.
The scent lingers in my thoughts.
I catch the train. I sketch, I think, I write.
There is something so dysfunctional with the way we relate to each other... and it tears at me when I'm on my own. Only when he's not around and I'm not busy living the moment, making the most of it, trying to absorb it and make it a keepsake at once.

This complicated story is one that, I get the feeling, is only now really beginning to be woven. It's been almost a year since that first date at the restaurant in mid-town, where we ate and talked and talked and talked before heading over to watch a movie at his house.
This seems like a routine, his modus operandi... one that I got to know very very very well later on, specially during my afternoons at North Ave.
We have yet to finish watching paprika.

I don't know if we will.
I have the running joke that the next time we'll see each other is going to be 4th of July, when we're with the family at Centennial.... I wish I really had the certainty that THAT'S going to be the case, but who am I trying to fool here?
For whatever it's worth, at least I'm being consistent and making some progress. I think.

Anyhow, night Night y'all. I'm out for this one.