The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda.

FYI: DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE GETTING DUMPED.

(Sorry if I disappointed ya :/)

Ok, now that said, a LOT has happened and I have yet to post the stories... but that doesn't mean I can't give you a trailer preview :P THIS IS , however, A LONG POST. Brace Yourself.

Yeahh, I'm awesome like that :D I'm just gonna dump it all in a single pot and make some sort of Jumbo out of it, LA style. Not that I've ever been there... but you get the point.

The Dump Post: A time line of sorts. Kinda

Well, my last real post ended with me sorta getting even on some pitiful level with Jacob Wannabe by making it seem as though my brother's best friend, Cuban Hottie, is kinda digging me, and then missing a bunch Jacob Wannabe's the next day.

After that, plenty has happened.

My mom got into a car accident. 

She was leaving my uncle's house and headed to go get my little brother's eye exam done, and another car steered out of his lane, into hers and hit her car head-on.

Lil' bro was a big man, and got out of the car, which, btw, was flipped on it's side, and ran up the street to my uncle's to get help. (P.S.- He's 9)

They took both to different hospitals, and both were ok. They were released that same night. No broken bones, no bleeding, no cuts, no life threatening issues. God's hand was DEFINITELY on that car, and HIS grace was seen.
The car was, by all means, totaled.

I cut speaking to Jacob Wannabe cold turkey for a while.

I was , by all means, trying my hardest to get over the BS and get on with my life. Obviously, he had plenty of plans for Valentine's day... you know, considering he has a gf and all... so why the hell would I make an ass out of myself and make myself seem pitiful? oh HELL NO.

I went on a TWO dates , including one double date for Valentine's day 

See, what happens is this. My dad lives overseas. My mom does not date. She doesn't really even go out much, other than work, my uncle's house and the grocery store. So, when seemingly superfluous holidays come around, I try to at least show some appreciation and love for the woman's who's given up on pretty much EVERYTHING and yet, encourages and  inspires me to do EVERYTHING I want to do.
I got her a cute present, and a mug (for her desk) and a lil pink puppy that said "You're the sweetest" and lots of candy and I also took her and the boys (Dude and Chino, my brothers) out for lunch date and a movie. We even got into a photo booth and took pics of all of us, and mom kept one strip and I keep the other on my desk :)

My other date, the double date, was Me & Babes and Cocco Sooz and her then date, Spitzeh. No, that's not his name. That's my personal nickname for him.

We went out to dinner at the Olive Garden and then went to a Bar for Karaoke and drinks. Best Valentine's ever. WAAAAAY too much fun. The good thing was that we were walking distance from where we were spending the night, because we were pretty drunk by the time we left the Bar, so we walked back, drank some more and then passed out on random places of the apartment. I, for one, fell asleep half on the couch and half on the floor. Go figure.

Mom quit her Job. Well, one of them anyway.

 Mom was working an Administrative Assistant for a law firm. This implies a lot of paper work and data entry. AKA: typing a lot.

In the car accident, the car flipped on it's side, landing driver's side on the pavement. When this happened, my mom was basically thrashed against the side of the car violently. This caused her wrist's ligaments to tear, swell and bruise. Which, causes wrist pain. Which screws you up when you are trying to type.

She had a medical license for 14 days, but even when she went back, she was still in pain. After a month of forcing herself, I eventually encouraged her to stop pushing herself so hard.

So she quit.
She's still working part time as a Crew Leader at the Restaurant though, so at least she's not completely out of it.

We have no car.

If you've ever been to Atlanta, you know that, unless you live in the downtown area, having no car is a pain. In the ass. 

we were basically screwed. Because I had to take Marta to campus every other day and then stay at a friend's during the week, take a bus to work and walk about 1.5 miles to get there and pay cabs to come home. A few friends pitched in and took me home after work, including Cuban Hottie, Dumdum and even Pilot. 

We get a car again, finally

After what seemed an eternity, we got a car again :)

The other accident victim (which, let me add, was not a victim. Dude straight up slammed his SUV into my mom's car and then said "I have no idea what happened") was, thank God, insured with a decent policy, and after looking at the car and the conditions, the insurance company called it totaled and paid my mom a hefty sum for her car.

So, she ended up getting a Honda Accord 2002. Which, I will now add, she does not like much.

She says, and I quote, that the car "doesn't represent her values" and what "she stands for" and does not "portray an accurate image of her". Uhm. Whatever.

She doesn't like the color either, it's silver. Her Volvo used to be Burgundy; which I have to admit, did seem a lot more like her. Oh... and she doesn't feel safe in her new car either. She wants another Volvo. Ah... dealing with life post-facto. She eventually got back on the road and is now doing a lot better and feeling a lot more confident.

Planning my trip- and everything else

So, I decided to go to DR to visit. Checked online fares. Called Mom. Got the ok. Called my aunt in DR, go the ok. Bought the ticket. However, a couple things happened after that.

My passport was expired. When I went to renew it, I noticed, my ID was expired.

I spent a WHOLE DAY in the DDS (direction of Driver's services) to get the ID renewed and then paid A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY to get my passport renewal expedited by mail.

Then it got returned to my house, saying I had to apply in person, because it was my first time applying as an Adult, and of course I had to pay some more fees. But all good.

Then my brother forgot to go to court for some traffic tickets. And then got arrested for driving with a suspended license. I ended up using some (most) of my vacation spending $$ on bailing him out, but (SIGH) whatever keeps Moms happy needs to be done. So done it was.

I wentto DR. Hurrraayyyy!

 After what seemed an eternity, but was only 2 years, I went back to DR to visit. For the sad amount of 6 days. Depressing? Kinda. Still better than not having gone.

Stayed at my aunt's. Went to my cousin's quinceañera celebration (if you don't know what it means, Google it. Cause Seriously) and stayed at a resort 6 hours away from the city for the weekend. I ate like an animal, got sick, went to the pool, went to the beach, realized I forgot my camera in GA and had a blast with my cousin. I went back home, spent a few days with the gramps, who also decided to torture me and have me visit every last uncle I had in the city, to go and say hello and goodbye basically, since I was leaving like the day after.

I went to an AWESOME concert with Ally J, in the flesh. She basically got me back for taking her to a Braves' game that had an All American Reject's concert after.  The Hard Rock Café in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic is a HELLUVA lot nicer than the one in Atlanta, GA. I'm just saying. Oh, and let me add, Dominican Republic is the first Caribbean/ Latin American Country to have an IKEA. Showoffs.

Anyhow, I went back home to GA and then had some sort of trouble re-adjusting into life.

Spoiled & Sheltered vs. Struggling & Independent

While I was in DR, my grandmothers were avidly trying to convince me to stay back at home, and well... Live there.

And I then realized the fundamental differences of the lifestyles I have there and here.

Over there, I am an upper-middle class young lady, who, among other things, does not have to work, has a chauffeur, gets weekly facials,  massages and my hair done, and has everything paid for by the family. All I have to do is just... go to school.

 But alas, it's not quite that simple. See, we're breeding THAT version of Jezz for marriage and well, kids and a house. After she graduates from College, of course.

But over here, I'm strugglin'. Oh I'm strugglin. From riding the bus and the train because I have no car, to waking up at the crack of dawn to go to school on only 2 days of the week, and then working 10 hours a day and finding study time and socialize and keep some sort of sanity and everything else... it gets tough to say the least. However, I do have INDEPENDENCE. Financially, having my own income means I get to do whatever I want with that money, Which mostly goes to paying bills at home, but that's not the point.

Emotionally, I'm free date as I will... as long as it's not serious enough to give my parents a heart attack.

And well... deciding what I want to do with my future for my self- marry or not marry, kids or no kids, travel or work, whatever- is in essence, priceless.... but damn... this shit is HARD!

Eventually, my head have up on the nonsense ideas I was having on staying in DR.

The date with Canadian Kermit

Before I went to DR, and after I tried renewing my passport the first time, I was asked to go, with an acquaintance, to Canada, no less, and attend his cousin's wedding. He even offered to pay the cost of the trip for me to go. I told mom about this, and instead of her usual panic, she was actually GAME to let me go. WTF mom?! I would've gone, if not for 2 things: My passport was still not renewed. AKA: I couldn't leave the country; and I couldn't take days off from work for a wedding and then a week later take days off for vacation. That would've been just too much to ask. So no Canada trip. However, my invitor, still swears to this day, he does not remember me explaining this to him. Once I got back from DR, he called and demanded I go on a date with him. LOL.
I agreed to go, and of course, my mom went head over heels for the idea.... uhm, ok mom. The date was nice - Atlantic Seafood for dinner, then a movie (Shutter Island). We had great conversation and he's a riot to be around... but I could never take him seriously as a person.

His vocie, -I SWEAR- sounds like Kermit from the Muppets. Add the tipical Canadia -"eh" to every other word, and well... it's just too funny. In a not so funny way. It gets kinda annoying after a while. :S  Oh, and he's the type of guy that totally diggs me being hispanic for some odd reason (which is something I have yet to understand, but I mean, whatever) so that kinda puzzled me little. But whatever. There was talks of a second date, but nothing ever materialized. Oh well. I'm not crushed or whatever. That's kinda because...

I started talking to Jacob Wannabe Again... and then went to visit. Again.

What had happened was.... 

Shit I don't have an excuse. The dude is like my most amusing, favorite fucked up mistake ever. I can live with that.

Before I left for DR, I had already gone and visited and got pissed when he tried to make a move on me and then talked again to him and set some ground rules to our complicated & dramatic friendship.

The second time visiting him, once I came back from my trip, was rather more civilized and calm, and well, just regular stuff. Hang out. Lunch. Movie. Same old Same old. Minus the hot making out. I was focused on trying to be good.... even though I kinda failed, but that's another story for another time.

The changes- Oh DAYMN

So after I came back from DR, and was rather miserable with everything for a while, things started to change.

CoccoSooz moved from one apt to another. Still in Student Housing though. Spitzeh and CoccoSooz are officially dating, which is rather cute. I sorta kinda officially got back together with Babes... heavy on the sorta kinda part.

Mom decided we should move, and I kinda pushed her into that. She went around and checked on a few apartments, and we found one we like.  I applied as the main leaser... and much to my own surprise, I got it. 

So now, it's all the moving around that's going to drive me crazy.

I'm moving tomorrow, with the help of my wonderful crew: Dude, Cuban Hottie, Clueless (Cuban Hottie's older brother), Chino, Babes and I. Mom's going to be working, so I'm basically the Captain of the crew... and shit, I better be. I'm the one paying the bills biznotches!! I'm sure as hell not moving any furniture down from the 3rd floor where I live in now. Oh, in case you're wondering, my new apt is now closer to the city, and also closer to where my office eventually relocated. Still a 2 bedroom, it's a little smaller that the one I currently live in... but it's a whole lot nicer. It's got a little balcony, a REALLY nice kitchen, and plenty of closets to go around. It's about 10 feet away from the pool in one direction and 10 feet away from the grilling area in another direction and 10 feet away from the tennis court in another direction. Oh, and it's also on the 1st floor. I was head over heels the first time I saw it. lol. oh, and it's cheaper too. lol.

I went with mom to check out the assigned Elementary school, where my lil bro will now be going, and also to the closest church. We discovered that there's a river nearby (I'm still in Middle of Nowhere, Suburbs, GA) and several parks are close by.

I'm completely excited and can't wait to start moving!!!!

Other random BS that's happened:

-I have an Asian professor, who's last name is Ho. Yeah... this makes for random jokes that the professor doesn't quite understand but still laughs at. He hasn't quite figure out why they call him Mrrrrrr. HOE!! lol

-I haven't shown up to a class in 3 weeks. What happens is this: I work until 12 on Thursday. This means, I don't usually get to bed until 2-ish, sometimes later. But the class in question is on Friday 8am. So I have to be up at 6 to get to class by 8. Every Friday, my mom pities me and lets me sleep in. SO I never get my ass to class. Oh, btw, next week is midterms. (minor FML moment here). I have however, at least kept up with my assignments :P nana nana naaa- NAHH!! 

Anyhow, I can't think of much else that I left out.

Matter of fact, consider this my official catch up post. Fuck the other posts that I have saved as drafts with all the same things I just condensed here. 

I'll try my hardest to kept everything current, but I make no promises.. I got a heavy week ahead of me.

I will close out with this final thought. 2010 is being, by far and wide, a year of change by trial and error and by mistakes and bumps.

I can feel all the changes that are coming, slowly and I know that they are coming for the better. Sooner, better, more abundant, beyond imaginable blessing are coming and I'm not even sure how I'm going to handle all of the, but Divine Providence is incredibly amazing and humbling.

Changes are, in many ways, the path to growth as people, and friends, lovers, children, parents, dreamers, poets, fools in love and bickering idiots. Like a plant that needs pruning to cut off the dried and dead stems and leaves, we also must re-evaluate our goals, refocus our aim and shoot for the stars again.

Changes are, by all means, the road between who we are and who we want to be, and where we came from to where we want to go.

Anyhow, I'm out y'all... I'm exhausted and got a hefty week ahead.

TTYLS.

-Jezz ♥

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt

 

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

 

“If you don't create change, change will create you”

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  - Anatole Frances

 

 

The balancing act

SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)

After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.

As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.

That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]

Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.

Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.

Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.

More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!

-ttys

Another day in the life- Version 3.10

Spring has come around and my spirits are higher, I feel a LOT better when waking up, and I'm usually in a better mood.
But today has a store of bad things for me.
My right eye hurts and feels like I'm about to get a stye :( [see my previous post styes, Fate]
My average went from A to B- in PSP111 due to my absences.
I was able to hand in a late paper, and I can also give a speech for some credit, which should help my cause, I suppose.
On the good side, I handed in my Transformational Leadership paper in early, for a change. I was somewhat proud.

I went to Financial Aid... hoping they could help me re-finance my payment plan and then take in my tax information.
Well, no only is my advisor gone, and they lady that did help me pretty much did everything BUT, I was also informed that
1. There is nothing FA can do for me,
2. I need to re-submit my FAFSA,
3. I need to harass my mom to re-submit her FAFSA for me as well, and
4. I have to deal with Student Accounts.

So, now I stroll to Student Accounts, and find out that Khadija, my Student Accounts advisor, is no here anymore... I mean WTF?! I now have deal with Mrs. House, a lady so stuck up she might as well have a stick up her @ss to keep her straightened up. She then informs me that I must first pay off the balance in full before any changes can be made, which is bullshit, cause for the last year, I've been going to Student Accounts and getting my payments re-structured in order to be able to meet all my school deadlines. Great. So now I owe a grand total of $1300 to school, BEFORE I can register for next quarter, which mind you, starts in approximately2 weeks from now... ajaa...
Now here's also the tricky part. I ahve a measly $400 in my back account. Sadly, I got paid last friday, a meager 4 days ago... meaning I have another week and a half before I get any more cash flowing in.
So. I am left with 2 options. I can either dip into my car savings and put that in for my tuition, once again, making my car purchase date left to somewhere in the distant future...NAAAH I DON'T THINK SO!
But it's either that, or Pay what I have now, and then pay my next paycheck in full and then find out a way to scape up another chunk of money for my late registration fee and then wait 'til my ext paycheck in order to get the books I need. Oh, and not eat or go out or break anything for the next 5 weeks... haha.
Ah.. the wonders of college life.
Overall, I think it won't be so bad. I think I can manage it... I'll hoard off the food at home... and I mean, who needs to go out on the quickly dissipating 2 weeks of vacations between semesters?
This is nothing! This is where boys are made men, well in this case girls are made Superwomen :P
I need to get my life together, seriously.
Should I take a second job? I've been considering going back to ON on saturdays, or even Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays as a Logistics agent... I wonder if they're hiring again.

Nonetheless, I'm still gonna take a self-defense class or something next quarter. I need to have something to vent, cause I feel like I'm boxed up and can barely breathe sometimes.
But, truthfully, I actually feel a bit better now, after venting.
I just remembered both of my best friends in this world are coming in 10 days, and will be here for Moral Support. YAY!

Anyhow... I need to get back to work.
Life calls citizens.
Till the next one....
-Peace out