Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now. 

In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.

He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.

-Funny side note-

In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.

During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.

Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.

>_<

There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.

We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.

Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie. 

Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.

I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep. 

I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.

I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.

We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.

As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all...  I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?

Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.

We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.

Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.

All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and  embarrassed and remorseful.

Go fucking figure.

Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle. 

This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.

Yes, I texted back.

I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.

It might help.

Laters

-Jezz

Part V: The edge of desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

In the previous post, against my better judgment, I decide to watch Star Wars with the Dominican crew, and end up sharing the couch with Jacob Wannabe himself.
After having a tantrum because I didn't want to leave, Jacob offers to stop by my house on his way home... to which, half asleep, I encourage. It's only AFTER I hung up that I realized what I was getting myself into.. and even then, it was ride that took me nowhere near I though I would be.
I originally made an elusive post about it... but it's kindof a spoiler... so... I'm leaving it for the end.
P.s.: This is a ridiculously long post for no reason. Actually, it's because I'm relishing the moment as I write this up. So there. Consider yourself forewarned. 

Part V: The Edge of Desire- From 0 to 100 mph in a split second

"Often times one meets destiny on the path one takes to avoid it"
I can assure you that this was no exception whatsoever.
By repeatedly telling myself that nothing was going to happen and keeping my mouth shut from saying anything that would imply I have any kind of feeling towards the guy... I well.. pretty much helped set up the scenario for what happened next...
It was sudden.... and intense.... and lusted for.
I don't even know what hit me. It was just... unexpected, even to myself. Even when I kept thinking and hoping to have one-on-one time to talk about the whole drama that ensued early last December, I didn't really think much further other than "Will we talk about this?" -and by we talking I mean me saying some hard truths and him not digging for reasons and excuses- and "Will he ask me out again?" reveries that clouded my mind between dusk and dawn.
Despite my million and one thoughts of how I would answer... How I'd act all offended, how I'd be insulted by his proposal, how I'd be upset, how I'd pretend I had better things to do with my life... I just said "Suuuuure, why not?". Talk about anti-climatic... and now, he was on the way to my apartment complex and I was in pjs and not even wearing real shoes and it's the the night was the coldest yet this season...
I run down the 3rd floor open stairs my apartment has and jumped into his car. Things feel more comfortable than they should, and it's almost like nothing ever happened, and I don't think about how upset I was or how much shit has happened... I just get hit by a happy moment and think about how much I like it.
We start talking. He plugs up his iPod and plays the infamous "Chill" playlist of his, which turned out to be a force to be reckoned with on it's own merits.
We talk. We talked about nothing and everything and things in between. We talked about people and places and circumstances.
I swear- and I'm not saying this for his benefit, I promise- he must have apologized for all the things that have happened like a dozen times or so. None of which I really believe, but I guess the intention counts for something right? It certainly set the tone for the moment.
I make a point of asking about PB and how things are going between them, and he mentions how they're ok, but then decided to add how she was impressed when she saw me get to the NYE party... and then he had to explain that it was me, and well, she put a face to the name alright. I was rather surprised... but shit, that was MY moment of glory and vanity and all that other female good stuff and I took it with a smile.
He asked me for a hug, a real hug, and I obliged.
He asked questions on how I've been, and what I've been up to.
He constantly mentions how much he's missed me and I'm slightly flattered... I mean... damn...
The thing is, I'm a skeptic, and I have good reason to be. Why would I take his words for face value when less than a month ago he sorta dissed me and went back to dating his ex?

It's somewhere around 3 am at this point, and here we were, continuously talking in an air that was so charged you cut the tension with a knife.
His gas light came on, so, he turned the car off. I was freezing. I'm not made for cold weather.
I pretended to not be bothered much and we kept talking.... and then he held my hand.

With a sheepish smile I look at my feet and avoid saying the million things racing through my head -what are we doing?! why are you holding my hand? I should just go home- and I try to keep myself in the moment. Matter of fact, I tried that so hard that I flung myself into the moment, and before I know it he's telling me how much he missed me, and how much fun we have together, and we start laughing and joking around, as he kisses my forehead. I vaguely get the slight impression that we're setting boundaries to our somewhat of a friendship and that, all in all, I don't HATE the guy.
He leans his forehead against mine, and I start to wonder how old we are. I feel like a kid in a playground, struggling to find words and to be coherent and thinking about how much I don't want to screw this up, while also, I have the empowered feminist inside me yelling at me for being a blind idiot... but as they say, there is no one more blinded than he who does not want to see.
Ignorance is bliss.
Denial, my good old friend Denial, is like the purgatory of feelings. You fool yourself for ever so long and be happy in your foolishness, until you have a brief moment slip and reality slaps you like a bitch. I was in a happy place and dammit, I was staying there as long as I could... but eventually I pull away in hopes to keep some sort of control behind all the chaos inside me... and just to avoid the temptation...
Oh, but I'm a fool for love. I openly admit it. My plan for control and discipline and distance was hopelessly flawed by the fact that I have a soft spot for the guy...
There we were, his forehead is resting against mine and the music kept playing, and we kept talking... at this point our conversation is going onto how he misses my sarcasm and wit and everything else...
and what's a girl to do? I am susceptible to flattery.
He kissed me... and I didn't stop him. He kissed me again and I was still kinda in shock. He kissed me again, and, third time lucky, I kissed him back. Dammit! I wasn't even supposed to be here!
He held my hands in his, and tried to warm them up, as we kept talking... somewhere down the line, it became clear that my hands were not the only part of me that was cold, it was my whole body.

He beckons me to sit on his lap, open arms offering warmth and comfort that I am not immune to.... so after toughing it out for a while, he rolls up his sleeves and pulls me onto his lap.
Uhm. Okay. I ... I didn't really count on this situation coming up.... so... um... wow.

When he's finally got me on his lap, he gives me the biggest bear hug ever.... a hug that was enough to keep me wrapped up and curled up against him. As cold as it was, he felt warm and cozy and well... who am I gonna try to fool, I liked being against him, so close. I felt comforted in what seemed to be the most innocent, sweet gesture, and at the same time, in the larger scheme of things, thought about how I really could get used to being there more often. Subconsciously, I was was aware of the fact that this was, most likely the last time he and I would be this close... but at the moment it was more like me seeking a validation of affection of sorts... Because, throughout the whole time, I kept questioning if I was literally throwing myself at him, like some two dollar whore, desperate for attention and comfort and reassurance and love.

The playlist, which I keep listening to and thinking God has a messed up sense of humor, makes the whole situation seem like it's a scene out of a movie, or at the very least, like it's the season finale of some cool sit com. I don't mention it, but eventually he does, and we laugh about it, like we always do.
We keep talking, this time about music. He mentions how he's missing someone to talk to this much, and how he's been trying to find new music to listen to lately. John Mayer's new album comes up. He mentions the song that was playing at the time, makes him think of me.

"I want you so bad , I'll go back on the things I believe...
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me..."

That was the last thing I really heard for a while.  I sat on his lap and buried my face in his neck and just savored the moment for what it was worth: a moment in time that was emotionally intense.

Eventually, I did pull away and started asking myself out loud what the hell were we doing and why were we here... but 30 minutes passed... and hour passed... the playlist kept going... the kisses kept coming and the jokes rolled in too... how could you expect me to want to leave?

He asked how I felt... I told him I felt like I went from 0 to 100 mph in a split second.
I asked him how he felt and he told me he felt like he was in some sort of romantic sitcom in which we're the main characters and this was the season finale. (Did I mention he's a movie/ tv fanatic? about that...)
He went so far as to compare it to the season finale of Dexter, one of the many interests we have in common.
We ranted and raved about the playlist, and start pulling away, gathering our minds in an effort to sort whatever just happened... and then King of Leon's "Use Somebody" comes up and I swear, I would totally have to agree that tis was the moment in which I personally felt like we stepped out from reality and stepped into some alternate-universe/ storyline, in which everything was magical...
He kissed me like never before. SO much so that I as surprised... overwhelmed... I felt like my heart was on the verge of explosion itself.... But like all good things, the song ended and we ended it with a baffled look on our faces wondering if this was turning into a bad habit... one that I have yet to manage to kick off...
and well... we keep talking... it's around 4:30 am by then... I'm completely shivering and he's rubbing my arms and shoulders in an attempt to warm me up... and as his forehead leaned against mine again, I distantly hear myself tell him that it's unfair he's taken the situation this far and remind him that we should be anywhere but here. I know I have as much to blame as he does... but... he's the one with the significant other, not me.
Let it be his burden, not mine.
 After a while of convincing myself, I pull away. Eventually, I decide I need to leave... it's starting to dawn, it's 6 am and we're still in his car, in the midst of the most ridiculous situation, avoiding questions whose answers were already known but were bitter and would, most certainly, ruin the moment.

So off into the morning he went, and I went home. We texted while he drove home, a good 30 minutes away. He got home, and we called it a night. I wanted to head to bed but... I decided to get on here, and wrote the following post, which I later removed:



Shit
I don't know how this happened.
I was drowsy and sketching... I swear that this BY FAR the most unexpected thing ever.
How does one go from irreparable hurt to intense desire?!
This shit didn't make any kind of sense
A hug. A REAL hug
and another
and another
and foreheads together
and then I missed yous merge into conversation
and who did what to avoid the thought of the other
and why the hell are we here's
and shit then he kissed me and I couldn't stop after that
and 30 minutes
and an hour
and two hours later
in friggin 12 degree weather
wearing flannel pj's and a bubble jacket with bed booties are not a good combination
I shivered like crazy
he sat me on his lap
and held my hands and blew on the to warm them up
and rubbed my calves because I get cold feet
with a playlist that just literally made the moment seem like we were caught in a romantic comedy with the insane plot twist when you least expect it
In the middle of a moment
"Use somebody" came up and I almost felt my heart explode...
you had never ever kissed me like that...
and I'll admit I was rather dumbstruck with awe to be honest

Monday morning [>_<]

It's monday and I'm miserable.
i suppose that lack of sleep and food might have something to do with it, but I don't really know that for a fact.
I just know that I have some sort of killer rage boiling inside me for no fuckin reason.
I didn't go to class today. Has says the warm weather has gotten to my head. I do admit that being from the Carribbean, warm weather does tend to make me lose focus from my priorities. I begged to go on some random great adventure for the day, that would involve me riding shotgun in his car. However, he wasn't quite diggin it, and wanted to email our proffessor. I begged and begged, all to no avail.
After he dragged my ass up the stairs to the 4th floor and then to the 5th floor to get online and start doing some work, Has and I realized that we can't even log into the school network.
Fantabulous.
I decide to go to Financial Aid and at least TRY to do something productive the class time I'm missing.
I got some good & some bad news from Financial Aid, but overall, nothing that will be particularly helpful at the momment. So I deiceded to try to figure out why I couldn't log into the school network, but of course no-one was there. I tracked down the head of the IT Dept and she changed my password. I was finally able to log in. Somehow, I'm not exactly thrilled nor overwhelmed with the news. *blank stare*
I TRY to start working on the damned assisgnemnt, purposely designed to bore you to death and back before you're even half-way done with the damned essay.
I gave up in record time, 7.52 minutes. ^#@#$ this @#@$#$!
anyhow. I think this has a strong dependency on lack of food and sleep, mainly, most likely completly, the food part.
I'm cranky andnow that I think of it I'm kinda sorry I'm being a meanie to Has.
For whatever it's worth, I decided to actually email the proffessor, like Has dragged me to. *grim half-assed smile that looks like a cross between a confused look and pain*
Anyhow. I need to get me some breakfast before I end up breaking something.

Whomever said that Breakfast is brainfood, Dude you were SO damnned right man!\

Catch y'all later chumps.

-Jezz