Friday, September 19, 2008


yet another day in the endless wanderings of life and I wonder WTF does it take
after decades of struggle, i still see them in the same place,
i still see them struggling with the same things, the mundane,
daily life driving them insane
and I see me, caught in the center
while they run around me in this vicious circle
I'm wanting out, but I also know they'll lose their balance
if they see me what am i to do?
The sand clock of my life has no rewind button,
and I see the grains slowly slipping by
like silky smooth liquid
I see my days going right before my eyes
It's march, blink, it's june, blink, it's august, and before you know it you're 10 feet under, 20 steps behind
life beat you up before you even got ready and you didnt even realize,
still in a haze, don't even know what hit you, your time is gone, and what did you do?
all these years have past and you have nothing to show for them
nothing but your plain empty hands and this gap in your heart

how do you keep the faith when everything is just so damn hard??
when all you build, you watch fall apart?
when Divine providence does not come down to your aid?
How do you believe?

Days pass and I constantly wonder what does it take
and all I can do is laugh
cause none of us are getting out of this alive.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Random Ramblings - Love

As humans,
are utterly, unavoidbly condemned
to take one step forward and then two steps back?

Are we genetically flawwed into falling into the same hole,
tripping on the same rock
like a periodic number that can only repeat that last number endlessly?
Are we really plainly that stupid?
to fall for the same things over and over?

Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released (particularly in areas such as the nucleus accumbens and ventral tegmental area) by naturally rewarding experiences such as food, sex,[8][9] drugs, and neutral stimuli that become associated with them. This theory is often discussed in terms of drugs such as cocaine, nicotine, and amphetamines, which seem to directly or indirectly lead to an increase of dopamine in these areas, and in relation to neurobiological theories of chemical addiction, arguing that these dopamine pathways are pathologically altered in addicted persons. Recent studies indicate that aggression may also stimulate the release of dopamine in this way.
-Wikipedia article on Dopamine

The human brain releases dopamine when it is in pleasure.
When you have good food, when you acheive something you are proud of,
when you have sex, when you are happy.
Now this substance is also released when you are in love...
and also when you are on drugs.

So let me see if I get this straight:
Love pretty much triggers the same response as a drug on your system.
I dont need to be high on LOVE!!
I got enough shit going on to make me go crazy on a daily basis on my own!

And help me understand:
If Love does the same thing for your brain as drugs do,
can love be addicting?
are we hopelessly vulnerable to become addicted to someone's love?
as to crave that person's affection to a point where nothing else matters?
to make you go against everything you stand for?
is there nothing we can do to stop this wide-spread evil?!?!

I ain't no rocket scientist, but damn, that is some seriously fucked up shit man....

Now, I wonder,
in the hypothtical situation that I'm addicted to love,
particularly someone's love,
for these educational purposes we'll call it " X "
so, in saying that I'm addicted to X's love;
I suppose that I wouldn't possibly be able to get over my addiction to X Love by trying some other crazy compund of love,
something like, say"ZMS Love"; right?
I would only become further addicted to the general drug form,
LOVE itself...
regardless the final compound, the different variety.... so basiclly,
I need to go to rehab? (nooo, Nooo, NOO!)
Shoot, I'm already suffering all the withdrawl syndromes....
all twitchy and scatter-brained...
LOL, as someone told me, I'm all discombabulated (:P)
aw damn, I wasnt supposed to say that, it was originally a hypothetical situation...
oh well... I already admitted into it, what the hell...

So indeed, my only "cure" would just be to avoid it all costs...
indeed, stupid, and pointless
Love is damn near everywhere :/
and don't get me wrong...
for those of you lovebirds out there, by all means, man, I have no dubbs on it
Love all you want...
just keep that damn thing hella far away from me....
I need to get my head straight!!

and this insane craving is seriously NOT helping...

Well folks, I gotta finish up my working-ish day... and try to actually steer the fog that clouds my thoughts to see if I can be a productive citizen and finish my class assignments sometime in this century, hopefully before class on Monday...
-til the next one peoples...
and remember,
Say NO to Drugs!!!!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Denial 2.1 [The complete version]

For those of you who call me when I'm at work asking WTF is wrong with me (AKA yes you Allanah! tq un tro :] ) here you go...
this is somewhat the full story:

We spent a month arguing...
I felt he didnt care
He felt I was holding back

He was drunk and someone kissed him
He felt guilty so
He said we should take a break, for the sake of both of us
I went completly into shock
He took back what he said about taking a break
I was still hurt
I decided it was worth the effort to try and salvage what was left of what we had

We spent 2 weeks trying to mend things
walking on eggshells
trying to stay on our best behavior

but the truth was that I felt like he just wanted out
and he kept saying that he was sorry and still wanted to be here
yet his words sounded so impassionate and insincere
and to him I seemed so cold and impassive

Eventually we both decided there wasnt much left to do.
so now we're just friends.

He calls every once in a while
I call every once in a while too
cause how do you go from hearing someone's voice everyday
to not at all?

I'm still in denial
I think he might be too, but I dont know that for a fact...

all in all,
our conversations, though somewhat strained,
feel like they once were a loong loong time ago:
like I found my best friend again...
a bittersweet feeling:
the guy I love, but once again can't have

we have spoken about the the whole ordeal
and our friendship has made it easier to be honest to each other
there is still a lot of sorting out to do....

and I dont have to see him to know
the look in his eyes
to hear in my head
all the things that were unsaid
to know
what songs he will tell me to hear
and to see
that he aches just as much as I do.

But Denial it still the dish of the day
I know that at some point I will wake up and ask myself WTF I'm trying to do
but in the meantime
all I need to do is get thru the day
with a smile on my face

♪♫ ... i sit alone watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts and all I think about is you... believe in me... ♫♪

Friday, September 05, 2008


For over a month, I've been in complete denial.
Mr. Chewie... my once beloved stranger... is now gone.
what can I possibly ever say?
There is so much history in this,
so much weight to the plot...
that there is really not much I can express
It just bottled up inside me,
like my words completly dried up...

so I guess I'll just walk thru this desert
and keep a smile on my face
cause its the only thing I can do
and I still have the memories