Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Have you ever had friends who, even though you don't like some of their ways, you still put up with?
Have you ever had a friend you thought you knew, and that you knew well, until to find out, MUCH MUCH LATER, that said person was NOTHING like you originally thought, and then have some sort of an existential crisis when you find out your close friend is far from that?


I just realized that ending a friendship is kind of like a bad breakup. Except there's more ammo for cheap shots and a lot more resentment and bitterness.

 This is a Hate Post. I need to vent.

I just need to get this off my chest.
It's taking up too much mental space and WAY too much energy that I need to focus on other things.
Negativity only breeds further negativity, and quite honestly, a little is already too much. But instead of letting it go, I keep holding on to it and resent the feelings I have, and then those feelings start to get nasty and fester and all that other BS, and I'm stuck in this negative loop that is bringing me down.


There is a spanish  phrase that I have heard before, and that came to mind today:

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

Literally, it means: 

Not all those who are there are; nor are not those who are not there.

Confusing?? Very. It's one of those phrases that usually get lost in translation.

But hey, look at it this way:

Not all those who are there are  (Crazy/sane/strong/powerful) ,
nor are not (crazy/sane/strong/powerful) those who are not there.

another translation of this is that:

Neither all who are [guilty] stand [here], nor all who stand [here] are [guilty].

Feel free to change the word "Guilty" as needed. Some examples that can be used are crazy, sane, true, innocent, honest, suffering, etc.



In essence, this saying means, the presence or absence of people in one context/social setting or the other, does not, in any way, represent their true numbers.
AKA: The fact that you are not racing in a marathon, does not mean you are not a runner. Nor, does it mean that you truly ARE a runner if you are in a marathon.
In sum,  appearances are deceiving.

 You get the point. 
(If you don't then I don't think you should bother reading the rest of the post, mostly because you'd miss the point behind the point I was just trying to make. Forgive me, I'm rather cut & dry and insensitive lately.)

So, in that light, I use the phrase in tone and tune with friendship.

Ni son todos los que están, ni están todos los que son.

No all who surround you are friends, and not all who are friends are surround you.
Sometimes we are mistakenly believe that those who surround us are unconditional friends, when truly that is not the case.


Usually, it's sad the way we realize who really are our friends, those people around you who care enough to literally, care for you when you need it.
It is said that when you are in need, then you will truly find those who are your true friends.
Sometimes, despite knowing someone for most of your life, their true colors never really come out until you actually need them, and realize that, even if you had their back... they don't have yours. At all. Period.

“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient;
it's about being there when it's not.”

 How is it, that after knowing someone X amount of YEARS, being a faithful, honest friend, being there for crying fits, broken hearts, drunken nights, major favors, city touring, college broke-ass-ness and ramen noodles, window shopping and hookups gone bad, when you need someone there.... there's anybody but said friend?
I'm more than hurt, I'm resentful.
See, I can understand that everyone has priorities. I can understand that some things will always take precedence over others. I am ok with the fact things will not always be the way I want them and the world does not run on my schedule.
However, it is an insult to me that... as a friend who HAS helped you move, who has paid for your luggage before your flight when your ass was broke, who has fed you and helped you clean your house, among many many other things... you decide to go to a pool party and tell me you have things to do and can't help me move.
That, is the very definition of BITCHASSNESS.

To be more, politically correct with my words, I'll say this:
Friendship is a two way street. While, as a friend, I do not keep a tally of who did what last for whom, when the scales tip significantly in such a manner that I ALWAYS give, and you always receive and it never goes the other way... well you know... I've got to say...

FUCK YOU!!
Fuck you and your selfishness and self-centeredness.
FUCK YOU and how everything is always about you and what you want and when you want it
F U C K  Y O U and your spoiled ass who does not know the meaning or concept of HARD WORK and who does not understand the terms GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION.
Fuck you for every single damn time I ended up doing you a favor when I could've done something else, BECAUSE I CARED about you.

Looking at things objectively, I've always known you were spoiled. That you were also childish, immature and selfish.
But you know, recently I've seen a side that I really disliked and much to my dismay and disdain it has only become worse over the last few months.
You are like a fucking leech. You siphon your needs and wants off from other people and when you realize that they're over financing your next greatest adventure and bending over to your every whim, you kick them out of your life.
It is a disappointment to say the least, and at best, it makes you a low-life scum.
And see, after knowing you so long, you'd think that, for the sheer amount of BS we've seen each other through, the very bond of our friendship would deter you even considering trying that same bullshit with me, and yet that's not the case.

So you know,
FUCK YOU.

With this wonderfully eloquent post I conclude the calamitous dramatic demise of our friendship.
Matter of fact, I don't even need or want some sort of truce or peace offering.
What for? To go back to the same bullshit all over again? Nah, I'll pass.
Besides, we both already know that your proud ass isn't going to even try. You don't need me, and I can honestly see now that you don't care either.
I don't need your apology.
Matter of fact, I don't need you in my life either.
Quite honestly, aside from moments and memories, there's barely any common ground between you and I.
You don't work, you don't understand the concept of having to work and EARN your things and places. You treat people and life and things as though they are all disposable to your every desire and as of now, you only live, breathe and exist for your significant other.

So what would I want a truce for? Much less an apology?
To go back to the same routine in which for the first week I'm agreeable, then the second one I'm cranky, on the third one I'm frowning and by the last one I'm ready and willing to toss knives at you when you open your mouth?
Nah.
I'll pass.
I have better things to do with my life. Matter of fact, better people are out there. Those who can truly know the meaning of friendship, and understand that a friend is not the same thing as an endless debit card.

So let these be my parting words:
Fare well. Grow up. Appreciate. Understand. Be independent and self-reliant. Life will not always be kind and you must also learn you don't have a right to get what you want, or else.
In the end, I just hope you look back and see where the mistakes were made, so that you don't make them again. And lastly, learn to be kind, to be generous, in all possible ways. Seek to give more than you receive because in the end that is the true joy in life.


~chao.


Jezz.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules

After my visit to North Ave to see Jacob Wannabe, I left feeling like usual: a little demoralized, a little dirty and kinda hurt and a little worthless.
I sketched. I wrote. I lived through paper and pen and died a little on the inside.
However, as usual, there is more to be said about this, and another conversation sparks, one which, for a change I am glad happened.

The conversation I was looking forward to- Setting ground rules.

After leaving my study session, I ended up going to the mall and indulging in some retail therapy. Two dresses, a Victoria Secret body splash, a sweater and a shirt later, I was somewhat better. I had a smoothie and it kinda sealed the deal.
I hit up the dorms and spent some time with Babes, who mos def knows how to cheer me up and make me feel better.
I had to head over to work at 11:00... I've got VACATIONS coming up in 8 days! and I can't wait! However, because they've had to switch around my schedule, I'm covering someone else, who in turn is going to cover me when I'm gone. So I had a grave yard shift to cover, and I head to work.
I texted Jacob for a little while, and eventually did some work.
I left around 8:30 am, and headed home to get some rest. I got up around 5 to head to work again at 6pm. I know, it's just retarded.

Anyhow, during this whole time, I hadn't heard from Jacob, but, needless to say, I didn't feel all so awesome about my visit over to North Ave. I enjoyed spending time with him, but I dislike the aftertaste of the visit.
Somewhere around 9 we start texting again.
He asks how's my day, I ask about his. I throw in that I had fun and that I missed him, but that it's a BAD thing. He agrees on missing me and asks how bad can it be?
I tell him we both know better... to which he replies "Well...."
I ask him "Well what?" and he says "I don't wanna agree with you. I miss you too much"
I tell him I have nothing to do with this and that we have a dramatic friendship of sorts...
I missed ya, and I felt like going. Obviously not going for a while has not changed things at all. I still like him and that's not good. He asks questions. I answer. I'm usually the one who brings up these conversations, because well, I dislike being in Limbo. That gray area where anything goes because nothing is defined.

I explain to him that nothing changed in the sense that everything feels the same; I'm happy to see him and spend time with him, but I feel awful when I leave. I tell him I keep putting my beliefs aside and compromise because I like him, but in the end wrong is wrong regardless of the circumstances around it... and THAT'S what I want no part of: his wrongdoing, because in the end, choices were made and we both have to stick to them and keep our boundaries clear because otherwise we're headed to the same BS as last year.
Which nobody really wants.

He asks questions. He's a good listener. I'll give him that. I appreciate the fact that he usually admits when he has no idea of what to say. He replied with "I really don't know what to say to all of that. I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Yeah, I miss you, and love spending time with you, but I also hate to hurt you. So what should we do?"

I didn't reply.
I really didn't have any kind of solution or anything of the sort.
Truthfully, I didn't even have anything positive to say, other than to point out that he's a chauvinistic, selfish jerk with double standards, which I hate beyond reason (the double standards, not him, of course). So in that light, Silence was the best idea.

At 12 , when I was finally off from work, I clicked on my phone's dial button, and since I still had the text from Jacob open, to dialed his  number. I hung up when I realized my mistake. I get home and eat dinner, and right before getting into bed, I see the 2 missed calls from Jacob. I call back but get no answer. I start dozing off to sleep, but he calls back. We make small talk for a bit, and eventually get to talking about our previous conversation. Much to my surprise, he's the one who brings it up. He mentions how he's contemplating things, specifically, us. He tells me how my remarks about how I feel leaving North Ave have set him into deep thought. Well damn. (There IS mental capacity for deep thought in-there?! [0.0] damn!).

We talk about how messed things are between us. I explain to him how, as much as I may like him, I don't want the same drama we've had lingering. I tell him its one thing if I go to North Ave to visit a friend, and it's a completely different thing if things take a different course from there. I can live with spending time with a friend who has a GF. I cannot, however, live with being the other chick he sees on the side every once in a while. THAT'S not ok. At all.
He tells me how at this point it's not a choice. After not seeing me for months, he knows how much it sucks to not talk and he's willing to back off altogether if that means he still gets to see me.
So I guess this means we're flat out friends only as of today.
This is gonna be fun.

I laugh and tell him that we're in store for more awkward holidays and he laughs. I tell him I won, I  made him laugh first. He says that we never know what's in store, and that things could be different for the next holidays. I ask him what he means, and he says that for all we know, he might not even be with PB at this point.
I tell him I have no answer to that.
I explain how I have no control over that.
I mention how in this situation, nobody wins. He makes a point by saying that, by him sticking to the boundaries set, I win. I tell him I'm not winning at the one that counts.
We don't have much to say about that.... but I'm glad to say that we at least got to a consensus agreement that we're not to be like we used to be, no more official dates, no more cuddles and kisses, no more of all that good stuff, no no.
We talk about when we get to hang out again. I tell him about my trip to DR. He talks about his finals, next week. We make plans to hang out at the end of the month. I tell him we'll have time to reflect on our conversation, with a mockery of a too serious tone. He laughs.
I call it a night.

I feel like I'm doing the right thing here.
I just hope it sticks. Cause Seriously.

I'm out.

Catch y'all laters.
-Jezz

Head & Heart

“One ought to hold on to one's heart; 

for if one lets it go, 

one soon loses control of the head too.”

-Nietzche

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

So after my break down of sorts, after pouting and sulking, my brother, kind of concerned (I'll admit I was touched) asked me what was going on and why I was in such a shitty mood.
... to which I explained the whole Jacob wannabe story.
And....
he laughed.
Yes, he laughed at me in my face.

He did, however, do two good things: help me find the humor in the situation (in a rater fucked up way) and also gave me some dating advice of sorts. Go friggin figure.
I'll make it a short list, and share the wisdom:

Dating advice regarding Jacob Wannabe from self-proclaimed Master Player

• He thinks he has you in the palm of his hand, and he knows that, even though you get mad, it has an expiration date. Don't give in.
• Whenever he wants to make plans with you, tell him you've got plans with a friend. Preferably a male friend.... and then tell him that you like this friend a little.
• Act coy. Don't let him think he's really important, but don't make it seem as though you don't care about him anymore at all.
• Eventually, make plans with him... and then cancel. This makes sure that he misses you.
• Tell him you'll be home all weekend, and insinuate you want him to come over and hang out. If he calls to come over (which according to my brother, he will) tell him you're not home.
• Hang out with his friends and tell him. He'll be pissed he wasn't there.
• Be complicated. It'll drive him insane and make him miss you. And this is important. If he misses you, he'll make plans to hang out with you on his own terms and give in to what you want.

So there ya have it, folks. This is what my younger brother, in his infinite dating wisdom, has decided to share with me in hopes I get some sort of decent outcome.

LOL.

I guess, I should make some sort of use out of it?

I'm not sure I'll pull these off, but we'll see how it goes!

-Laters

Jezz

Reflections on my best friend

Everyone has their obsessions, consuming thoughts, consuming time... 

They hold high their prized possession...defines the meaning of their lives

you are mine

["You are mine"- Mute Math]

Recently, I made plans, and sadly, they didn't fall through. After having invited some friends to dinner and getting an initial "Sure, let's go"; they decided they didn't want to go anymore, and didn't even bother saying so.
Well damn.
Needless to say, I was rather ticked off, and in a fit, was about to head home.

Babes sat me down and blew some steam off and made me vent, like he usually does when I'm fuming angry, and well, that took off the edge on things.

Instead of heading home, I went out to dinner with Babes.

My best friend... by far and wide.

So we go to Chilli's, order our food and talk.

It's amazing how sometimes, many times, ever too often, we underestimate and undervalue those closest, nearest, dearest to us all.

Dinner was a lot better than I expected. I had a chance to catch up with the other person who can finish my sentences and I was reminded of why we mesh so well together while I finished his.

We shared a dessert and nearly died with the Molten Lava Chocolate whatever it was, it was that good.

We went for a walk, like we used to do a million years ago. Eventually we headed back to the dorms and watched SNL and chilled on the couch.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.... although I pursue other interests and although I have hopes of finding someone else, I would never be able to share the same bond with anyone else.

Here I was, sitting on the couch with my best friend and there was nowhere I'd rather be nor with anyone else.

I guess that certain people have that power over us.

Eventually we turned off the tv and just sat there, each one at one end of the couch and our feet meeting in between, laughing at our usual antics and enjoying the moment. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep next to my bestie... a guy whom I trust blindly, despite how wrong it may seem.
It's as though there is some protective bubble when we're together... like it's just him and I and we're a team and can truly rely on each other with the knowledge that neither is trying to fool the other.
For over 5 years, honesty has been our main rule.
Honesty to where it hurts, both ourselves and each other. Honesty because it tells us where we stand. Honesty because we'd rather know the truth as opposed to playing games.
So when I say, in all honesty, I have no fucking idea what is wrong with my head and my heart... I'm dead serious.

Is it possible to find the RIGHT person with ALL the possible WRONG circumstances and situations surrounding them?

Because it feels like I found him before I was ready to embrace the magnitude of what it implies....

I'm not ready for that kind of commitment just yet... I want to have fun... but... am I committing the clichéd thing everyone does, wanting to wild out before calling it a good run and settling for the best they could find?

Because that just really sounds wrong.... and I'd hate to be the one doing that...

And as much as I avoid the thought and try to avoid the reality behind it...

I love my best friend like no-one else...

and he loves me beyond words....

so what the hell am I doing?

If I'm all that you're looking for, 
tell me,
why is there a river streaming down your face?
Sometimes makes me wonder 
all about 
your love
Love, love, love love....

After some time
it's something I find true.
Love, love, love, love
Love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.
Too many days I was afraid of love.
Love, love, love, love....

["Love, love, love (love, love)- As Tall as Lions ♥]

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

At the beginning of the year, I decided, against my better judgement, to hang out with the dominican crew and watch Star Wars.
We only watched 2 episodes, and, also I managed to unleash some sort of demon and wreck havoc on my New Year's resolution of ridding myself of Jacob Wannabe.
After a reality check and a good conversation on dating with my brother, I was still up to no good.

An Awkward Moment- Courtesy of Jezzuka's drama ridden life

Well now. 

In some sort of attempt to be complicated, as advised by my brother, I decided to hang out with Pilot, Jacob's best friend, and my mom's best friend's son.

He picks me up at home, and we head over to his house. We talk, play rockband, grab some food. Eventually decide to watch the 3rd Star Wars movie. At the time, this seemed like a good idea.

-Funny side note-

In the secret santa, Pilot's brother, Movie (who humped my leg in a gorilla suit on New Year's Eve) was his giver. He asked Pilot what he wanted, and Pilot, ever so much the dork of the family, says he wants a Snuggie.

During the secret santa, Pilot opens his gift, rather enthusiastically, only to find that, he DID in fact, get a snuggie. He proceeds to yell: IT WAS A JOKE! making a hilarious moment for all of us who knew the back story.

Well, after a week or two of movie nights, Pilot turned out to love the damn thing, proclaiming to all who listen: THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!
In a sort of awkward, funny moment he tells me this: Dude, the snuggie should have an extra sleeve, for when you have a boner.

>_<

There is no hope for the male psyche.

Anyhow, back to my story.

We decide to watch episode 3 of Star Wars and everything was going fine. We're sitting side by side, sharing a bowl of pop corn and talking at times.

Except I was getting sleepy and started to fall asleep during the movie. 

Apparently, during my dozing off, my head started rolling towards him.

I ended up snuggling into his shoulder and passing out for a third of the movie. This is the messed up part: He didn't wake me up. He just watched the movie and let me sleep. 

I woke up, kinda puzzled and embarrassed, mortified with the thought that I might've drooled on his shoulder and feeling kinda awkward. He was pretty much ok with it, and didn't put much thought into it.

I was afraid this would lead to talking about that awkward incident we had the last time we hung out... the one in which we ended up kissing... and then forgetting about.

We did, indeed talk about it for a bit, but basically agreed that it was just a slip and not something neither one of us was serious about. Whew. Major elephant out of the room. Thank god that was solved.

As if on some sort of cue, Jacob calls. As tempted as I was to just say I was busy and not bother at all...  I was just awful as hell and picked up the phone and left the room, leaving also, Pilot on his own. But hey, it's his house anyway, so it doesn't make me THAT bad, does it?

Anyhow. I talk to Jacob... but I don't mention where I'm at or who I'm with. I'm not sure why, but it seemed like some sort of code violation to hang out with his best friend and then shove it in his face. Not that he doesn't deserve it. I don't know. Maybe I was just paranoid about having kissed Pilot once and then "forgetting" it happened at all.

We talked for a bit. Eventually, I come up with some sort of lame excuse and get off the phone. I get back to the couch, only to find the movie is pretty much over. Anakin is marrying Queen Amidala and I don't miss the irony in the scene I come back to.

Pilot asks who I was talking to, and I willingly 'fess up. In a sense, at least in a tactical sense, talking to HIS best friend wasn't the brightest idea. Or maybe it was THE brightest idea. I don't know, really.

All I know is that before I can figure out what I'm saying, I'm talking about the whole situation, and for once, venting about it to a REAL, LIVE person and feeling shitty and  embarrassed and remorseful.

Go fucking figure.

Pilot, in some sort of chivalrous empathy, listens and kinda tries to comfort me a bit. He also takes it upon himself to warn me that Jacob's behavior isn't new- it's a vicious cycle. 

This, I think, was something I needed to hear.

Eventually, I go home and as I'm headed to bed, Jacob texts.

Yes, I texted back.

I know, I'm a mess. Sue me.

It might help.

Laters

-Jezz

Well damn

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

-C.S. Lewis

Refletions on Gravity and Gratitude

You can’t stop yourself from loving someone you shouldn’t but you can’t force yourself to love someone you’re better off with.

I got that phrase from here, at the The Bulleted Something ( a blog which I am kind of jealous of because I feel as though I should have come up with that first).
Why is it that as humans we are constantly tempted and lured by what we want but cannot have?
Why do we overlook what we get freely?
I have to wonder.
There are countless posts about me and Babes. Things of the past. A relationship that will never end: my best friend. The one who finishes my sentences and my jokes, the one who can comfort me, and ease me, the one who can soothe and relax me. The one who feeds off of my energy, who knows how to make me smile and whom I share so many memories with. He is -as of right now- the one man I trust. After knowing him for so long, and know how he and I share an indescribable bond, I am utterly open with him; I am vulnerable and sensitive and I believe he wishes no harm.
But as much as I love him, and believe me when I say I do; I can't force my curiosity out of me. I can't get these thoughts out of my head of wondering what else is out there, who else roams this world and what they are like, I can't stop asking myself if there is anyone in this world I could learn to trust and I could share a similar bond with.
Why is this? Why are we humans genetically encoded to not be content and satisfied with the things we already have in our head and hearts? Wouldn't we all be happier if we could learn to be that way?
Makes me think of John Mayer's song "Gravity". Here are the snippets that apply to this post:

"I'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart could stand
dream of ways just to throw it all away"

"Twice as much, ain't twice as good
and can't sustain what one half could
It's wanting more that's going to send me
to my knees"

Well folks, this is my queue. Just remember to be content and grateful with the many blessings you already have. I'm learning to do the same with mine.

A good reason to tone down the texting.. (o_0)

Yesterday turned out be a random day of sorts. Everything was going fine, i guess, until my math class rolled around and of course, the one day I understand everything and am not bored out of my mind, I get repeatedly disturbed by random BS.
It IS after all, a four hour class... the four hours sent from hell if you ask me.
Anyhow, it all started like this:
I got out of Des105, hung out with Dj and Babes, London and Magic 8 (people I know from campus). Ate some food, took an energy drink. Went to Math class, and texted Jacob wannabe.
Yes the infamous sorta kinda something or another guy I've been hanging out with.

Before the odyssey of a four hour class really began, I drank the energy drink, which if you ask me, tasted like shit. Considering he drinks these things like water, I asked him htf he managed to do that. He answered back, and a slow conversation ensued. Mind you, I am in the middle of class, texting under the desk while looking at the teacher and somewhat participating in the nonsense people these days call trig.
Anyhow, I randomly get a text saying, and I quote from my Inbox:

"So when are we gonna have sex again?"

UHM!!! WTMFFF?!?!?!
I should I figured at this point that this was headed the wrong direction. But oh nooo! I decided to engage in this obvious madness because, fyi No, I did not (and the whole situation that ensues from this text has assured that WILL NEVER happen) sleep with the guy.
So I text back saying I seriously doubt that's going to happen.
In an awkward-psycho like twist, he says: But you'd like to?
again.. WTF?! I tell him I like you and I'm not getting myself into a situation I can't handle.

=Brief Intermission=
In my previous post about Jacob Wannabe, I mentioned he had a gf.
On the get-go, I stated clearly that we are nothing but friends and I would not get involved in any kind of drama or shenanigans of sorts.
Somewhere in between then and now, they broke up *cough BULLSHIT cough* but were still "talking to each other" (please note these are some of the reasons why not much has been heard of Jacob wannabe recently. I mean, c'mon, do you IDIOT placed over my forehead?!)
Anyhow, based on the status change (which I doubt ever took place) conversations ensue about relationships passed, and things were said. Nothing of any consequence. Nonetheless, I maintain my original intentions: I'm not getting involved, and whatever, life moves on. Or something like that.
During one of our times hanging out with friends, it came to the light that his now ex, was somewhat of a manipulative kinda crazy person... not by his words, but by his friends... all 7 of them. I mean, I know guys will be guys, and of course they will talk smack and exaggerate; but when they congratulated him on getting his balls back because he finally stood up for himself and ended a relationship that had been on the demise for what seemed like a while; a girl's gotta wonder.
=Continuing the story=

Anyhow, he gets this insane desire to know if I'd like to and I made a point that 1. I am not his fuck buddy and will never be, and 2. that he needs to go fuck Psycho Bitch (his now "ex". Why the name? you'll figure it out)

He insisted that I'd better. UHM... okay... Soooo, who was a vivid inappropriate imagination? (o_O)
In somewhat of a smart ass moment, I reply that better implies ALOT more than an occasional lunch and a couple text messages.
No answer from Jacob wannabe.
I text back again saying "not much to say now? yeah I thought so too."

He then says PB texted everything before.... but I was too caught up telling him a couple things... and I quote from my Outbox:

"So thank you for proving me right. It's a damn shame, but hey: at least I know I was right all along.

Cuz honestly, let's be real. Did you ever really break up with PB? Probably not. That said, go running back to her while you still can get laid, if that's what you need...

Cuz let me put it out clear for you: Neva Eva gonna get it. You proved exactly why I can't and won't trust you. Good Job Jacob wannabe!"

At this point I read the message where he stated he just got back his phone, and that PB had it all this time before.... Instant in which I feel blood boil over me, and I start seeing red, and I can't hear anything... mind you, I'm still in class, it's a privilege and a shame I know my keyboard so well (lol).

Then, to interrupt the whole thing, I get a message from my mom. My brother, the brilliant creature I see maybe once a week even though we all live in the same apartment, has decided to get into his own kind of shenanigans. Messing with the law kind of shenanigans. Older sister role clicks in, and I leave class, and talk to my mom and somewhat figure out what needs to be done. or something of that nature, and try to avoid the though of slapping my brother around when I get a hold on him. But anyhow, let's leave the fam out of this.

So, after reading this last msg, I am FUMING, as in about to break shit kinda angry. It suddently dawns on me that, hey, I'm pretty sure it's still her talking BS... but maybe I'm wrong. The combumtion of things are starting to pile up, it's 9:00pm, and I've only got 4 hours worth of sleep from the night before, which doesn't add for much mental clarity.
I've already left the classroom, and decided to stay out. So I responded to Jacob wannabe/PB that THAT was a lame excuse, and I didn't want to know more. I then added that he need not call me until he takes care of his shit with PB; that I don't like or need any drama but that if it came down to it, I would fuck her up. (yea, I'm a gansta bitch like that. Have you ever seen an angry latina? You don't wanna. We mix white chick crazy with some Ghetto shit... lol)

I proceed to smoke a cigarrette. Mind you, I do not smoke... ever. I cooled down for a little bit. Talked to Magic 8 for a bit. Talked to Babes for a bit, and that helped plenty. I was still pretty wound up about the whole situation, but I managed to talk some of it off.
Turtle text me asking if I was ok, I stated that I would be staying outside, and asked him to let me know when class was over; and he said ok.

In the meantime, PB answered, again from Jacob wannabe's phone, saying, and I quote from my inbox, yet again:

"Sweetie if you think you can take me then you feel free to try. Although I have to say at least I'm not a fucking easy lay and by the way that was me just messing the whole time. Cause I thought it would be funny. Just goes to show how easy you really are!"

UHM. Did I ever say I slept with him? NO. Did I ever engage in such activities? NO.
So can someone please tell me why the hell this heffa talking bout shit she don't know about?! In my anger, I end up breaking the cigarette I was smoking by accident, which kinda pissed me off a bit more.
At this point, even though I know I could mention some of the things said during my conversation with Jacob wannabe in regards to relationships past, I decide not. I stand by my original thoughts of not getting involved. So what if she's some crazy chick who's kinda stalkerish if you ask me. I still decided to mess with her mind a bit and not clarify that I didn't sleep with him, not because I care what she thinks about me (because I don't) but because I knew it would certainly make her mind wander and wonder if I ever did.

I responded that I'm not wasting my time on her, and told her not to talk shit about what she doesn't know. In an attempt to disengage from the whole situation, I ended my response with Have a nice life. (lol I know, kinda pathetic, but IDC)

She responded: "Oh but why when bitches like you are so easy. And my life will be nice with my lovely boy."

I must admit I got the last laugh, and in all honesty, it was a good one. I ended the conversation with "Yeah, you go SETTLE for THAT. lol"

At this point, class has ended, Turtle texted me, I went to get my stuff, and Turtle had also taken some notes for me, which I must admit was really really nice. I head home on the shuttle. I take the train. I call mom. I take the bus. I get off at my usual stop to wait for mom.

Jacob wannabe calls. At this point, I don't know if it's him or PB, but I answer anyway.

Fuck it. Bring it on bitch.

He tells me he just left her house, and that he was soo soo sorry.

I let him apologize. Asked him if he had anything else left to say, and he said he was sorry again. I told him : "Yeah... about that. I don't have much to say. I'll talk to you whenever I talk to you. Have a nice life" and hung up.

He texted again saying he was sorry.

In all honesty, I suppose it's not really his fault. But then again, I said the WHOLE time, I didn't want any part or piece of this kind of crap. In hindsight, even when I clearly stated I didn't want to get involved in all this drama, I did the minute I went out with him in a sorta kinda something like a date even though he has a gf. I suppose this is the part where I acknowledge that I brought this upon myself or something... *shrug*

I got home. Ate dinner.

I decided to ask him if he had read the conversation or if PB had erased all the mgs. He said she had erased everything and he swore he had no idea what she said and that what he said over the phone was the truth.

I told him I would forward him the whole conversation so he would know why I won't be talking or hanging out with him again.

He responded saying: "ever again? So you want nothing more to do with me?"
I just forwarded the messages from both sides.

Anyhow, this was the official demise of our whatever it was:

-"Wow. I'm so sorry about all of that. I don't think of you in that way at all. Plus, we just talked about how we're only gonna hang out with friends and not go on dates. I swear to you that's not who I am. Especially to you. I completely understand if you never wanna see me but please let us be friends whenever you wanna talk to me again. You're an absolutely stunning person and I'd hate to lose you completely. I'm sorry."

***"Yeah... I don't know... I feel shamed and scorned for the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't do: get involved between you two. And that's the gem that is your girlfriend."

-"We are broke up, but you are right, I am still talking to her. You deserve to be the only girl, not the other girl, and I'm so sorry for putting you in that position. I hate that this happened to you."

***"Anyhow, at this point, I haven't got much to say... I think it's best you deal with whatever bullshit you two have going on, cause I WILL fuck her up if I get a chance.
And about being friends? Maybe. Not for now. But at least know you know why. Ttly"

-"Ok. A maybe is good enough for me. Thank you..."

The End.

***Names have been changed to reflect my anger and maintain some degree of respect for my privacy (not her personal identity).


So... Wow.. Interesting.
Why did I chose to cut him off cold turkey instead of just ignoring the whole situation? I'm not quite sure, but something in my head told me it was the right choice. (maybe it was the voice of reasoning or the echo of my mother's words resonating, I dunno.) I just decided to remove myself from further drama, and like I said before, the minute I decided to go on that single, infamous date with him, I got involved.
In a sense, I'm pretty clear that he didn't quite have a role in the drama. However, who the fuck leaves their phone within reach of a well-known manipulative ex gf, even if you're "still friends"?
And her. Don't get me started. I have a strong dislike for bullshit, drama, and all around bitchass-ness. But that was just two steps too far for me. I just hope I never get to see her.. cuz it's on, b!

Anyhow, it is now past midnight, and I gotsa get ousta here... But some questions remain to be answered... did I really bring this upon myself? Was my anger out of line? Or was it well deserved?

Wise words from a wise man

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask oursleves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Nelson Mandela
1994 Inaugural speech

Enough said!

Past Poetry

This was written a while ago, about a year and a half. I was still dating babes and I was so confused and lost. I do think, that it's one of my most clear, coherent expressions of how I felt the last few months of our relationship.
Here's to sharing parts of me we never get to see.

Burn the edges of this faded photograph, you know we were never picture perfect.
Pose a minute, try to laugh; could we ever postpone this
cataclysmic demise
that cautiously covers every minute, every precious second of the history we share?

I'm afraid of out growing you, like a t-shirt worn one too many times
I'm afraid of letting up, and facing it all on my own
I'm scared to death of losing you, all I've really ever had

So why do I put my fingers to the flame?
Knowing for certain I'll get burned
I inch closer and closer, and decide to defy some more

The poetic memory of my heart is taken over, occupied
by sentimental things related to everything we've done before
the only one I could ever trust blindly
the only one i could ever adore

Twisted roads
our paths intertwine and mingle,
and at times I am lost as to
where you end and I begin
where you stop and I continue
where we are apart and where we meet.
you & I,
our endless possibilities
and yet I fear the change
my comfort zone is my niche
where everything fits perfectly,
and yet I push my luck,
I test the fire,
I swim dark water against strong currents
remind me
I can't let myself get carried away.

There will be better days ahead
but oh, this darkness looms around me
casting shadows and burdens,
weights on my shoulder that make it impossible for me to walk away
Could I ever give up on the impractical love story we carry?

Esperar.::|::.Waiting

I originally wrote this in Spanish, which I have spoken since as long as I can remember. I'll admit I kinda cheated and instead of translating it myself, I used the Google Language tools. I did however, tweak it afterwords, so that it was coherent and cohesive.
Let me know what ya think. :)

Esperar

Comprendo
vendo tiempo al tiempo
haciendo horas en un intento de entretenimiento
en la espera
al ver pasar el viento, viviendo en silencio
esperando
sin conocimiento
el momento
preciso, exacto, friamente calculado
esperando
sin saber el dia la fecha y la hora,
esperando
porque es lo unico que queda por hacer
esperando
para no perder el juicio, la cordura,
esperando
para tener razon de existir
esperando
para poder soñar
para soñar los sueños que hoy son solo humo que escapan mis labios
los sueños que son el futil intento de besar el sol, de viajar en una nube.

Esperar
porque el alma añora, anhela
porque queda aflijida en la envidia vana
Esperar
porque sin la espera no hay esperanza.

Esperar
porque es lo único que nos queda, lo que nunca termina
Esperar
porque sin la espera, no hay vida

________________________________________________________

Waiting

I understand
I sell time to time
making hours in an attempt at entertainment
in the waiting
to see the wind pass, living in silence
waiting,
without knowing
the when, the moment
accurate, precise, coldly calculated
waiting
not knowing the day, the date and time,
waiting
it is the only thing left to be done
waiting
hoping not to lose judgement, sanity,
waiting
to have a reason to exist
waiting
to be able to dream,
to dream the dreams that today are just smoke that slips through my lips
the dreams that are the futile attempts to kiss the sun, to travel a cloud.

Waiting
because the soul yearns, longs
because it remains aching in vain envy
Waiting
Because without waiting there is no hope

waiting
because it is all that we have, all that never ends
waiting
because without the wait there is no life

Glasses of water

A heart sinks and soars as the endless waves of life crash upon it
deception, disappointment's, discourage...
they come from all directions
struggling to stay head over water, trying to find a way
beyond are endless miles of treacherous sea,
nothing to bear onto, nothing to keep going, nothing to strive for,
no aim, no hope,
all faith is lost and the outcome turns bleak....
yet the truth of the matter is that oceans are merely puddles, and we drown while standing on our knees...

when will we realize that we should stand our own, and not drown ourselves in glasses of water?

Monday morning [>_<]

It's monday and I'm miserable.
i suppose that lack of sleep and food might have something to do with it, but I don't really know that for a fact.
I just know that I have some sort of killer rage boiling inside me for no fuckin reason.
I didn't go to class today. Has says the warm weather has gotten to my head. I do admit that being from the Carribbean, warm weather does tend to make me lose focus from my priorities. I begged to go on some random great adventure for the day, that would involve me riding shotgun in his car. However, he wasn't quite diggin it, and wanted to email our proffessor. I begged and begged, all to no avail.
After he dragged my ass up the stairs to the 4th floor and then to the 5th floor to get online and start doing some work, Has and I realized that we can't even log into the school network.
Fantabulous.
I decide to go to Financial Aid and at least TRY to do something productive the class time I'm missing.
I got some good & some bad news from Financial Aid, but overall, nothing that will be particularly helpful at the momment. So I deiceded to try to figure out why I couldn't log into the school network, but of course no-one was there. I tracked down the head of the IT Dept and she changed my password. I was finally able to log in. Somehow, I'm not exactly thrilled nor overwhelmed with the news. *blank stare*
I TRY to start working on the damned assisgnemnt, purposely designed to bore you to death and back before you're even half-way done with the damned essay.
I gave up in record time, 7.52 minutes. ^#@#$ this @#@$#$!
anyhow. I think this has a strong dependency on lack of food and sleep, mainly, most likely completly, the food part.
I'm cranky andnow that I think of it I'm kinda sorry I'm being a meanie to Has.
For whatever it's worth, I decided to actually email the proffessor, like Has dragged me to. *grim half-assed smile that looks like a cross between a confused look and pain*
Anyhow. I need to get me some breakfast before I end up breaking something.

Whomever said that Breakfast is brainfood, Dude you were SO damnned right man!\

Catch y'all later chumps.

-Jezz

The balancing act

SO I've come to see myself in a different light. (Yes I know I can be self-centered at time, wtfe)

After much debacle about me cutting my hair, and how much I've changed in the last 10 months... after hearing what everyone has to say and thinking of their opinions and how they affect mine.... after my conversation with H.a.S. last night about opinions, choices, priorities, consequences, failures, predicting the future and trying to overshadow the past, I've gain some perspective.

As individuals, we remain, ever changing, continually in evolution. By evolution, I don't mean the kind of changes that alter the biological makeup of our genetics, those take thousands of years of course. I mean, internally, emotionally we continually evolve, be it to better or worse versions of who we are.

That being said, I realize that, as insignificant as it may have seemed to me, I completely changed my values, my beliefs, my priorities, my choices and basically, what I defined as important to me when I cut my hair.
[[Leave it to me, to take something bane and trivial and turn it into the the apple that hit Newton in the head, causing me to discover the simplest of complexities about me. HA.]]

Having short hair made me change my focus. I saw it as an act of quiet rebelliousness. I didn't give 2 fucks about who said what and what I should've or could've done with it when I did it, or if I looked good or bad. I was tired of the stereotyping, the assumptions made about me, the other things that were overlooked about me. I was tired of the prejudice! I didn't care about anything else. I wanted to valued for who I was. I was speaking out, making the boldest statement I could: Beauty is not my main focus. It is only skin deep, and like most things in life, it will pass.

Days later it sunk in that, although I had made a point, there was more at stake for me that I initially accounted for. Turns out that all those assumptions and stereotypes we in fact quite close to the truth. They really were part of who I was.
Having long hair, I gave the impression of being quiet and reserved and shy; and although it was that way on the surface; I had self-confidence; a little fire in my heart that made me a toughened up cookie. I was strong. Fearless. I valued family above all else, I was committed to getting things right, doing things right.
When I cut my hair, I felt like I was a stranger to myself. I feel like I was standing in someone else's skin, being someone other than me. I was confused. I was lost.
Things happened. Life got in the way. I was in different circumstances, in situations I had never seen myself before, in things I could not have imagined. I made choices, I made changes.
Looking back at it, I see that although cutting my hair was meant to be an act of rebelliousness to prove my confidence in myself, to prove that I was strong and fearless, it back fired on me. It did the exact opposite. I became a mirror opposite of who and how I was. Maybe the circumstances I was involved in made it difficult for me, and made it easier for the changes to emerge; maybe they didn't. Who knows.

Fact remains that the confident, self-assured individual I was found itself MIA. I appeared to be strong and fearless at first, on the surface; but on the inside I was so insecure. I put my desires and chose instant gratification over the things I knew I should have been doing, over what once were my priorities. I put having fun and enjoying myself over being righteous and putting my responsibilities before my enjoyment. Live up now and deal with the consequences later.
I was so unsure of my choices I kept second-guessing myself. I knew something was off... but I was too caught up in my life, in everything, to take a cold hard look at the things I was denying. Denial and I are good old friends. We fit in right together. Deep inside, I felt like I was a cheap, mediocre, brittle version of the original Jessica. I felt and saw my life unraveling at the edges, I saw it crumble to pieces, and I didn't even know where to begin to put it back together.

More changes, more circumstances, more choices, more situations around me... and yes, my hair growing out. I seem to be finding elements and pieces of who and how I was and fitting it into who and how I am now. I'm trying to make a holistic version of me this time. A balanced act, not an ignorant fool who will follow blindly, but certainly not one who is oblivious of the consequences of her actions.
My hair is mid-length, slightly below my shoulders. My life is in somewhat of a harmonious balance. I feel empowered even if I am still quite fragile.
I'm still in the works... then again, aren't we all always in the works?
Someone should have told me life was this complicated mad long ago!

-ttys

Looong Weekend

I have to admit this weekend has been nothing short of surreal...
I am at a point where I feel like I stepped into the Twilight Zone (and after hearing soozi talk repeatedly about Twilight, who would'nt?!)
There is just SOOO MUCH TO SAY, I don't even know where to begin.
I also have a whole crazy lot of emotions going on around my head and my heart, which make things aot more difficult. I want to be honest and fair though, so I'll give myself some time to put things together and make my words cohesive and coherent...
but damn... so much in so little time!

Random sites

Winning Surveys
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Budget Pulse
https://www.budgetpulse.com/

Broke Grad Student
http://www.brokegradstudent.com/

America Saves
http://www.americasaves.org/

CashCrate
http://cashcrate.com/

Letting go of Me

oh goodness my dear turtle... the things you do to me!

After reading your last blog post, I have finally, finally, finally found the words that will explain the mystery of me. I have come across the missing piece you had strived for incesantly.

Let me explain (and for the record, there is a 25¢ fee for my thoughts!).

I want to hand you my heart. Completly. And I haven't been able to explain why I haven't done it yet.

See, here is the thing.... My mind is at peace with you...
...but only because my heart has a little tiny corner, the piece of me that is critical for survival, and it's guarded within; in a watchtower with gates and barbed wire and snippers all around.

I've kept this little corner for myself... because I know the power that lies inside it. It contains what little innocence I have left in me; the child we all carry inside that never grows; the part of us that will naively believe anything that is told to us, the part of us that will hope against all odds and that still believes in magic.

You see, that little piece of me is what I had given him freely, innocently, while I was oblivously in love.
After all was said & done in the story of him and I... I learned my lesson.
I can still say that I can love freely, and that I trust you completly....
... but I don't do it blindly; like I once did.

THAT is the reason I don't fear much, that I can trust you so easily, that I understand how you feel, and why you ask me so much: I was there, and I built my defenses against falling there again.

There is that small corner, that little piece of my heart that keeps me together, keeps me sane.
It's almost like I'm not putting my whole <3 in your basket, so to speak.
I'm not saying I don't trust you nor that I don't see a future in out relationship: I do, and I do.
It's just that I've learned that this little magical piece of me is what keeps me from falling apart when times get rough and things go sour.

It's what makes me, the trooper I am.

And I know that in giving it to you, in relinquishing that power, I put myself, absolutly, completly, entirely in your hands.

You've learned by now that I'm a pretty private person. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything, it's more along the lines of me enjoying the quietude of privacy, the joy of not being exposed...
But I love the way you find all the layers of me, and peel them off one by one, slowly, steadily.
I love how you endlessly try to figure out this insane mind of mine.
I love how you crave to know me, all of me: my thoughts, my habits, my mind, my routines, my heart.

And I want to give my heart to you. I feel like I am ready to trust you with it (still; take me one step at a time though!) I feel like I can open my hand and place my heart in yours. I have known I could since the very begining, since the wonderful days of wishy-washy (lol) ... but I'm comfortable with it now. I'm capable of letting go calmly, without that fear, without feeling like a deer in headlights, without being terrified about my desicion. I feel like I'm ready to let go of me; completly.

I hope that seeing all the shades of me, every side, every quirk doesn't overwhelm you; that knowing about all the mushyness housed inside me isn't going to send you into a panic; that realizing the concentration of feelings in that little piece of me won't send you away, because that would ultimatly prove why I kept it to myself in the first place.

I hope you handle it, cause it's coming for you.

I'm giving you my heart, and not only just a piece...

<3

Homesick for DR

random links to pics of the city of Santo Domingo... I'm homesick today :\


http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=456562&page=5

http://static.panoramio.com/photos/original/113247.jpg

http://www.skyscrapercity.com/showthread.php?t=456562&page=6

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Santo_Domingo_15.jpg

Standing on the edge of 20

Yet another day of working-ish...
I'm sitting here wondering wtf I'm tryna do with my life...
I see myself busy all the time, but am I really??
I feel like I'm wasting my time. Sometimes I think that by clinging so tightly to the things I have, I'm not giving myself the oportunity to be completly open to the posibilities, to the things that may come my way, if I give them a chance...
Damn... if only we were born with the wisdom we adquire thru all the bumps and bruises we get along the way... wait we do have access to that wisdom! they come in the form of weird, odd-looking creatures... They're called parents... riight... if only they weren't so damn annoying and they stopped nagging!!
I am certainly not appreciating the insight that comes with growing up... this shit is not all it's made up to be... when you are a child, even though you are bossed around, things were way much easier!!
If only we could turn back the clock!

I'm standing on the edges of 2 decades of existance... damn has it been that long?!?
Last night it dawned on my little bro that once i turn 20 I'm no longer a teenager (LMAO)... apparently because I'm no longer going to be a teen, I'm expected to be some sort of genius, and most importantly (and sadly, the most bizzare idea) I'm supposedly a "grown up"... jaja, if he only knew I don't have no damn clue of what I'm doing either!

well, toodles fellow citizens, I got some stuff to do before I get fired for blogging! yikes!