Saturday, September 06, 2008

Denial 2.1 [The complete version]

For those of you who call me when I'm at work asking WTF is wrong with me (AKA yes you Allanah! tq un tro :] ) here you go...
this is somewhat the full story:

We spent a month arguing...
I felt he didnt care
He felt I was holding back

He was drunk and someone kissed him
He felt guilty so
He said we should take a break, for the sake of both of us
I went completly into shock
He took back what he said about taking a break
I was still hurt
I decided it was worth the effort to try and salvage what was left of what we had

We spent 2 weeks trying to mend things
walking on eggshells
trying to stay on our best behavior

but the truth was that I felt like he just wanted out
and he kept saying that he was sorry and still wanted to be here
yet his words sounded so impassionate and insincere
and to him I seemed so cold and impassive

Eventually we both decided there wasnt much left to do.
so now we're just friends.

He calls every once in a while
I call every once in a while too
cause how do you go from hearing someone's voice everyday
to not at all?

I'm still in denial
I think he might be too, but I dont know that for a fact...

all in all,
our conversations, though somewhat strained,
feel like they once were a loong loong time ago:
like I found my best friend again...
a bittersweet feeling:
the guy I love, but once again can't have

we have spoken about the the whole ordeal
and our friendship has made it easier to be honest to each other
there is still a lot of sorting out to do....

and I dont have to see him to know
the look in his eyes
to hear in my head
all the things that were unsaid
to know
what songs he will tell me to hear
and to see
that he aches just as much as I do.

But Denial it still the dish of the day
I know that at some point I will wake up and ask myself WTF I'm trying to do
but in the meantime
all I need to do is get thru the day
with a smile on my face

♪♫ ... i sit alone watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts and all I think about is you... believe in me... ♫♪

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