Vueltas y Vueltas

My head is spinning
Dando vueltas y vueltas y vueltas
I'm upset and I don't know why.
Or maybe I kinda do. I just really don't feel like figuring shit out.
I want to wallow. Hoodie, headphones, solitude.
It's just one of those days.
In the great words of ancient Limp Bizkit:

Its just one a those days when you don't wanna wake upEverything is fucked, everybody sucksYou don't really know why, but you wanna justifyRipping someone's head offNo human contact, and if you interact your life is on contractYour best bet is to stay away mother fuckerIts just one of those days

I don't feel like dealing with people today.
I just want to get in bed and bury myself there until further notice, but I'm constantly surrounded by people. People wanting to talk, and people wanting me to listen, and people wanting me to care, and people wanting me to be funny, and happy and shit like that.
Not every day is going to be a happy day.
I don't think I'm up for faking it today.
The salt from my tears has made my contacts sting my eyes today.
My hair is a mess. A big, curly, puffy, fluffy mess, in a sea of manicured everything. I hate the burbs for how seemingly perfect everything and everyone is.
I don't fit in here. I don't quite fit in in DR either, but what's a girl to do.
I'm counting down the minutes to get out of here, and I don't even know how I'm getting home.
Typical Jezz.
I'm feeling too much shit today and it's irritating me.
I've trapped it all in a box, which I keep in the center of an empty room in my head.
Today my box is rattling furiously
and all I want to do is kick it to the moon.

I spare you, whomever you are, from my sour demeanor today.
Duty calls.

Basic Space- Chronicles of a dying love

Lo extraño.
El resto de las palabras me sobran.
Lo extraño hasta en los huesos. En mis sueños. En mis cosas. En lo que escribo.
Lo extraño y me duele.
No soy tan ilusa de pensar que todo era perfecto.
Pero ciertamente, había amor de sobra. Todavía no entiendo por qué todo tiene que tener un final tan abrupto. Tan frío.
Cuando lo extraño solo recuerdo las cosas buenas.
Los chistes, sus caricias, su olor, sus besos.
Recuerdo como siempre me traía los chocolates que me gustan, los Reeses mini cups, y me los dejaba en la mesa. Recuerdo la última gripe que me dio, tan mala que lloré entre la fiebre y el sueño y el cansancio y el dolor; y ahí estaba él. Quitándome el pelo de entre los ojos, acariciándome la frente con un paño frío, dándome besos para que durmiera mejor.
Tanto amor echado al vacío.
Tengo que recordarme que no terminamos por lo bueno.
Lo bueno siempre fue bueno. Feliz.... pero la vida no es color rosa, él no fue un príncipe azul siempre, y yo no soy la heroína de esta historia tampoco.
We were human, and flawed and selfish.
I have to constantly remind myself the series of events that lead up to this demise.
There wasn't anything left there, I was alone. I had no-one to talk to, I had no-one to battle things out with. Me quedé sola en un lugar donde debíamos ser dos, unidos como uno.
Lloré. Mucho. Sola.
Esas cosas no se improvisan. El hastío que sentí no llegó de la noche a la mañana.
It was an accumulation of grievances, of unspoken disappointments, of hopes crushed and desires ignored.
pero coño, cuánto me dueles. 
Todavía no he podido desencajarte de mi
Todavía me duele pensar en que tú dueles, en que tu sufres ... en especial porque sé que es culpa mía.

At the end of the day, I always knew I was the stronger one of us two.
I have hated that fact for a while now, because it meant I was the one who had to do what had to be done. I still hate that. I still hate that I see things before they happen and have to prepare for their consequences.
I had to do what had to be done, and that was to walk away.
Porque si no, no ibas a entender.
No ibas a captar que el amor es un racimo, creciendo entre espinas, y al dejarlo al olvido, muere de sed
You were so sure that I would always come back that you forgot I had the right not to.
You forgot to love and I loved to forget the things you'd forget.
Until I remembered and things changed. I didn't want to forget anymore.
We fell apart.
Shit happened.

Todavía te extraño.
No con el deseo de que vuelvas a ser mío, sino con la tristeza de verte partir.
Ver esta historia terminar me parte el corazón en veinte mil pedacitos
todos esparciéndose entre las estrellas al ver
un universo entero caducar, y exhalar por última vez.

Todavía te lloro.
Porque me haces falta. Porque todavía te amo, de muchas maneras.
Y no sé cómo apagarlo, y me dueles.
I walked away but every step I've taken is harder than the hardest thing I could have imagined doing.
My parting was abrupt and harsh. I didn't want to dwell. It still hurts.
Your words still haunt me:

This is you, jumping into a moving car.

You left me.

And this is me, waving goodbye in your rearview mirror.

I had no other choice left babes, I really didn't....
I just hope you'll understand that some day.

ending august

It's been ages since I posted anything
Partially that's been due to the lack of planning
and the lack of time
and internet at my house
and all the stuff I've been wrapped around with

As usual this will be another dump post where everything is said with very little coherence
I apologize in advance for the lack of continuity
and furthermore, to all those who have been awaiting my reply for a long long time
I thrice apologize: for not answering at the time, for not getting around to it, and for knowing I won't reply in the near future either.

I can't believe I missed April, May, June and July, and almost August... I guess the year is flying by before our disbelieving eyes. *sigh*

Long Story short:
new job is good
my car died, permanently
my brother got into more mischief, again
we filed my mom's residence papers and we're waiting... and waiting
my mom gave me her car
i went to PA with babes
i road tripped to NYC with Ally J
i came to reality and work
i went to spain to drop off JO with dad
my mom is driving me crazy, as much as I love her
my dad is a cave man
I have a fit of madness and buy a bunch of random shit and call it retail therapy
i come back home to reality
i have a meltdown that turns into an existential crisis