Well, it seems as though I'm just as vulnerable and foolish as all women are said to be. But maybe I was right at calling myself a little smarter.

Ally will still look at me with a smirk that says "I told you so" and tell me I brought it upon myself, which to both, I will have to concurr.

The story as most stories of recent events, involves our favorite character, Jacob wannabe.

I hung out with Jacob wannabe again, and this time, in front of family. The interesting part is that, instead of sticking to our agreement to be neutral in front of the fam in order to avoid any awkward situations, he is openly flirting with me... and it's all going pretty well.
The whole day was great. I kept catching myself thinking I could get used to days like that, and hoping that there would be more... but then I kept catching him texting other girls.
Yeah... about that. The one thing we most certainly were clear about was the fact that we are nowhere near serious and neither one of us wants to head in that direction. I mean, it's all fun and games, right?
Yeahh... what had happened was... well... I got caught up in everything that happened during the day, and how easy going things were, and how comfortable it was, that I.. uhm... kinda let my guard down. I wasn't as tough and he wasn't an ass, so yeah... foolishness is persistent.
At the end of the day, when he dropped me off home, he kissed me goodnight. My hands were shaking, and I kinda left in a panic, heart racing and all.

See, I knew that I shouldn't have gone and ... well. I guess that it's useless trying to mend over dumb mistakes.
Anyhow. I text him telling him that although I had a great day, and a good time, I wouldn't be hanging out with him for a while. He proceeds to ask questions and I ultimately answer that I might end up getting emotionally involved and I'm trying to stop myself. And the sad sad sad part is that, instead of reassuring me that everything would be ok, and that I had nothing to worry about (I was pretty clear that wishing for him to say he's kinda getting emotionally involved was far beyond his capability), he goes on to say how he understands that and how he's ok with it because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that pretty much a diss in my eyes... So, I tell him how we want different things from each other, and he proceeds to ask me what do I want. Yeah. ABOUT THAT.
I cut off the conversation and called it a night.

I panicked and I'm currently fleeing, heart in hand, as far as I can go. See, the thing I keep forgetting is that, as tough as I am and cynical and sarcastic I can be, I want pretty much, what everyone wants: loved, appreciated, valued, esteemed, and yeah someone who wants me and only me... and I want these things because I want to feel the same way about someone else too; but... Jacob wannabe is mos def not relationship material.

So why is it that despite knowing better, people still go for the one thing that is not good for us? I have yet to figure it out.
In the meantime, I guess you could say I'm being a coward. I just see it as intelligence prevailing over foolishness and emotions and attraction and desire and hope and trouble.
SO there. At least I'm smarter. HAHA.

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy for those who think"
I'm failing to see the humor in the whole situation... soo... I don't know where that leaves me.
Oh well. I have two more days of moping around before I officially force myself to do things to keep myself busy and remove myself from that situation. As to hanging out again with him? Ahh... I'd say never again, but we know THAT won't work soo...

Catch y'all laters.

-Jezz

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy”

-Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942)

 I suppose that this is where my issues begin. I consider myself rather on the smart side. not a genius, but a rather a socially adept dork.
I've been having issues with the male gender recently. Namely, loss of respect, trust, reliance.... in general, a loss of faith in them and what they represent in women's lives.


I suppose it's because I've been dealing with the rather stupid side of the gender. Or is it because I'm dealing with the stupid but nice and cute, and the smart and cute asshole. I don't know. But when it comes to men, I've come to regard them all with lust and disdain.
An old saying goes:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

So, IS that my problem? That I bear the burden of intelligence? ad knowledge and wisdom, and standards and expectations? Is it really? It makes a girl wonder. It makes me reconsider and question if I'm not being to harsh, or too uptight, or too selfish. It makes me think that maybe I'm just asking for too much of a guy. But then again, I quote Erica Jong once again:

 “Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

Sadly, she has a point. Men are, in general, selfish creatures. I'm not saying that there aren't women that are this way too, but in women, there is  a certain desire to nourish and cradle, to be there, to be supportive, and understanding, to be sympathetic that is just plain undeniable and more often than not, it is of a subconscious  nature. I'll blame it on biology, evolution and preservation of the species. If men are known to be selfish, rather thoughtless creatures, someone's gotta take care of business with the family and make sure the kids are taken care of.... hence the nourishing, selfless ways, and when the selfless ways are ignored and women become deviant from this norm, we feel guilty. Yes, we feel guilty. I'll openly admit that the one reason I haven't left home and gone to do my own thing is because I would feel insanely guilty about leaving my mom like my dad has and I'd feel guilty for not having her being able to rely on me, just like she has come to be with my brother.

Which leads me into my next point in case. As much as I am independent and self reliant and have a can-do attitude, it can only go so far. Hormones are hormones and I can't fight the enemy betraying me from the inside... I am, a sucker for men. Wait, that didn't come out right. lol. What I mean is, that I am pretty much like any other girl out there, I want a guy I can rely on. Not because I will (because I most likely won't) but because it is comforting to have the option and the knowledge that  my back is covered. I read somewhere today:

Its interesting to consider that women are attracted to strong men. Many of these women don't even realize why they are attracted to them. I do. Its because they're looking for the man who is in complete control of his faculties and his life. The man of unrelenting strength of character and mind. Why? Because such a man wouldn't let anything mare his plans for happiness. And guess who would directly benefit from that?

 Well damn. That's all I can say to that. It's truly impressive that I hadn't realized that yet, with how true it is and how much I dwell on the subject of relationships. Nonetheless, it is true. I posted it as a facebook status earlier today, and someone commented that:

The statement is false... A relationship has always and will always consist of one stronger partner than another, the human condition unfortunately. In scientific terminology, 2 elements of equal polarity regardless of mass or volume will oppose one another equally, strong men and strong women normally will not permanently attract each other, one has to be stronger thus making one weaker by default.. Look at super stars who marry other super stars, they never last... So, a strong woman is not actually looking for a strong man, just someone stronger than themselves... and vice-versa.

To which I replied:

I do agree with it. I don't think that one necesary must be stronger than the other, I think it's more of consistent with being able COMPLEMENT each other, and work as a team in general. No matter how strong you are, you will always have flaws and weak spots. If you have a person by your side that can complement you and vice versa, then you are more likely to be strong as a unit, not just as individuals. but hey, I'm just sayin'.

As much as I am coming to distrust men and refuse to rely on them, I do still hope to get to someone, someone I can rely one, and believe in, and empower and feel uplifted by... I want to feel someone is part of my team, someone I know can stand by my side and I can consider an equal, a compliment. This is after all, what God intended when he created women.

But the more time passes I lose faith that this is ever gonna happen... but hey what do I know.

I'll end the post with another quote from Erica Jong, one that proves that feminists are not devoid of a vagina and a ♥:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Laters folks.

Jezz

:)

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

- Sherlock Holmes

Nuff said !  lol

Modesty, Holmes, Men and Settling

While talking to my somewhat awesome asshole of a boss, we came onto the subject of a "good guy".
I mentioned not needing a friday night off as I had requested cuz my date had canceled. (yes, curious ones, this was Jacob wannabe).
He proceded to laugh, and then ask, rather incredulously, your date dumped you? I explained, the whole thing (six flags day with his college wasn't gonna be going on this year as he thought)
He then mentioned Jacob's college, and says I though XXX was for smart people? I said it was, and explained that Jacob wannabe is indeed, rather smart... and then told him I didn't care too much because he's kind of an asshole.
He replies, "Well, I mean, you can't expect to have it all! If he's smart and good looking, he's gonna be an ass. Its the way things work" My co-worker states, "Yeah, unless you go for  the geeks, they're the nice ones, even if they are a little weird." My boss finishes it up by saying "There is no possible combination in which a man has all the above. He's either cute and smart but not good looking, or good looking and  nice, but stupid, or he's smart and good looking, but an ass. I am the smart and good looking, and yes, I'm kind of an ass."
To finish off the above conversation, I asked my boss, and my co-worker, that well, because I'm smart, and nice and hard-working and -if I say so myself- pretty darn good looking, do I not have the right to hope, expect and demand the same from a guy? To which I got mock chastised over "tooting my own horn" and not being modest.
To that, I quote my childhood hero, Sherlock Holmes:

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

But, my dears, the real reason behind my post, is not whether not I am modest, but rather, if for lack of modesty, I am expecting too much of the opposite sex.

I mean, I stand by what I say... Considering I'm not a whinny bitch, I'm fun, I'm nice, I'm responsible, I'm smart and I'm really damn self reliant and independent, and like I said before, I'm pretty good looking. Not a supermodel, but good looking none the less.

So IS it too much to expect from a guy to be up to par? I mean, I would like to be with someone I can call and consider an equal. I do like the thought of seeing my significant other as a teammate in life, someone I can count on and vice versa. If I have so much to offer, why should I have to settle for someone who won't put 50 to my 50?

*sigh*

Another day in which my faith in men drowns slowly.

One Tree Hill Quote

One Tree Hill Quote

"The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home."

... enough said.

In light of Kanye's VMA stage crash, and Patrick Swayze's death....

Texts From Last Night (404): I hope Kanye doesn't show up to Patrick Swayze's funeral. " I'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but Michael Jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

I know it's kinda messed up and all... but ya gotta admit it would be funny in a sick kinda way... LOL

Turning 21 and making plans for a celebration of sorts

I, my dear friends, will be turning 21 this year. Such a wonderful occasion.
I am a loss as to what I should do.

I have 3 options, and so far, I like all 3.
I can...

a) Go to NYC. The city I love. *cue Jay-Z's "New York" featuring Alicia Keys*
b) Go to VEGAS. Shiiit. You only turn 21 once.
or
c) Buy myself a much needed car.

I explain myself.
a) Go to NYC.
         This one is a no-brainer. There is a little bit of everything in New York. I love the damn city. I love it's grittiness, it's rude people, the endless nights, the constant wtf at everything that can be seen. The bright lights, and the hope and ambition in the air.
b) Go to VEGAS.
         Where do I begin with this? I'm turning the big 21. The official landmark of age. I've grown up in a position where I'm forced to be mature and responsible and leveled all my life... I want to be a little bit reckless, a little bit crazy, a little over the top. I wanna be my age... the FUN part of my age. And quite frankly, Vegas just sounds glamorous and AWESOME.
Now, here's the even better part: I work with hotels. I have access to all the rate discounts on dozens of Vegas hotels. For Pete's sake, I can get a room for 50.00 a night, in the hotel of a world known real estate businessman who has a TV show, and whose last name rhymes with Hump. That said, I'd also be splitting the trip with my fab entourage, yet to be determined if it's 2, 3, 4, or 5, but still I'd be splitting the costs. And I'm turning 21... c'mon now. 21 in Sin City with my entourage in a five star suite. That's one to be remembered

and
C)Buying the much needed car
        Yes, I am still to this day a pedestrian. Considering I'm in a single parent household, and that I usually end up paying the rent, well, yeah... about that.
I've been meaning to get myself a car, but every time I have the money for it, some emergency or another arises, and well, the car purchase vanishes into thin air. I could take into account the money I'd invest over the next 3 months in my NYC or Vegas trip and stash it away into the realms of the unknown, and most importantly, brainwash myself into believing that I've already spent it, and get a car for my 21st bday and relish in the freedom. But the truth is, it simply feels like, dare I say it, *sigh* the mature and responsible thing to do... and I'm having issues with that part of myself.
Mature and responsible have not made for awesome memories and tons of fun. They have not made for crazy adventures or unbelievable and unpredictable turns of events. I want a little crazy in my life. A little youth and recklessness. Is that too bad or too much to ask for?

Anyhow... If I plan right and limit considerably my spending down to the bare needs, I might be able to go to NYC and get the car... but that is yet to be seen. I keep turning the thought around in my head, and I'm sure that I'll probably settle for stashing the cash and getting the car, but I really wish I could let myself go loose in Vegas and have fun... I really wish I could.

So, what did you do for your 21st? Any regrets?

Fade to black

My heart soars and lusts to Apocalyptica's version of this popular Metallica song.
It's just dreamy, lusty, intense all around.
It's a baroque painting in sounds.

The same thing happens to me when I listen to the main theme of the movie Amelie. That song is a watercolor painting, transposed into song.

I am an arts person. I find meaning to life in arts. I strive in them. I find joy, and happiness and meaning to life. All of my ambitions and desires are centered around one art form or another.
I recently realized I have a hard time concentrating if there is no visual appeal to what I'm doing... which would explain my constant doodles.
I am a visual artist. This much I know for certain, and this much I love about myself. :)

Night night y'all. Happy Monday! :P

Watagatpitusberry!

henny con granberry
I'm feeling so dirty
Baby you spagghettii?
lets go I'm ready
Tirame por el blackberry
Vamono en el ferry
Be happy dont worry

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watagatapitusberry (QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(que lo que pui)

Taba nevando y me puse mi coat
Baje a pelarme pa ponerme en flow
atra de do suave slow
te lo voy a decir en ingles pa que me entienda you know ?
easy, what is this marylin monroe & el tiffany I'm am the show
lo policia lo mono im in tro in the show
ayy woah woah woah
que lo que ta ta diciendo no toy entendiendo no toy comprendiendo
y haga me el favor y hame caso
dimelo ma al paso pedazo por pedazo
pa yo ver si yo puedo entender
sera fraces ? no en ingles
quien te dijo que tu sabe hablar ingles dilo otra ves.

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watgatapitusberry (QUE!?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry que lo que pui.

es como i love you i berry
como eskinny berry
como eskiles como berry
abrir el cute eskerry
oh my berry im singing el berry
smoking berry comprendes el berry
si mami eso es el berry
esto es para todas las ladys
la que le gusta la strawberry
la que le encanta lo berry y agarale el berry le abro las pienas esberry y le meto el berry.

henny con granberry
im feeling so dirty
baby you spagghettii?
lets go im ready tirame por el blackberry
vamono en el ferry
be happy dont worry

watagatapitusberyy (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (WHAT!?)
watagatapitusberry (que lo que se significa watapitusberry!?)
watagatapitusberry (QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(EL QUE !?)
watagatapitusberry(que lo que pui)

dedicada para todas las berrys en latino america y el mundo entero de parte de black point
el sensato del patio heh el mas completo todas esas manos suaves esto es pati y mas nadie

Like a wound sealed shut and bandaged away
I stray from looking at it, from testing the healing skin.
I know the pain I felt and I'm not curious to know if it still aches.

I don't look back and try to remember.
Like the knowledge of being burned when touching the fire,
I know that the memories will sting.
Not because they were bad, but because they were really good and I cannot have them back.
Because I cannot build upon them, because I cannot construe more with the same characters and situations.

I... just sigh and let it go.
Maybe in time, my time will come.
Maybe there will be something to hope for. Maybe I'll be able to dream, and soar and relish in the joys that will come and I won't fear crash landing back into reality.
Maybe I'll get to a point where I'll allow myself that which seems like a guilty pleasure at the moment.
Maybe things will simply fall into place on their own...
for now, I'd rather be a surpised pessimist than a dissapointed optimist.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. My dad told me this as well and I still believe him :)
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her.
- Ricky, age 10