Monday, September 28, 2009

Well, it seems as though I'm just as vulnerable and foolish as all women are said to be. But maybe I was right at calling myself a little smarter.

Ally will still look at me with a smirk that says "I told you so" and tell me I brought it upon myself, which to both, I will have to concurr.

The story as most stories of recent events, involves our favorite character, Jacob wannabe.

I hung out with Jacob wannabe again, and this time, in front of family. The interesting part is that, instead of sticking to our agreement to be neutral in front of the fam in order to avoid any awkward situations, he is openly flirting with me... and it's all going pretty well.
The whole day was great. I kept catching myself thinking I could get used to days like that, and hoping that there would be more... but then I kept catching him texting other girls.
Yeah... about that. The one thing we most certainly were clear about was the fact that we are nowhere near serious and neither one of us wants to head in that direction. I mean, it's all fun and games, right?
Yeahh... what had happened was... well... I got caught up in everything that happened during the day, and how easy going things were, and how comfortable it was, that I.. uhm... kinda let my guard down. I wasn't as tough and he wasn't an ass, so yeah... foolishness is persistent.
At the end of the day, when he dropped me off home, he kissed me goodnight. My hands were shaking, and I kinda left in a panic, heart racing and all.

See, I knew that I shouldn't have gone and ... well. I guess that it's useless trying to mend over dumb mistakes.
Anyhow. I text him telling him that although I had a great day, and a good time, I wouldn't be hanging out with him for a while. He proceeds to ask questions and I ultimately answer that I might end up getting emotionally involved and I'm trying to stop myself. And the sad sad sad part is that, instead of reassuring me that everything would be ok, and that I had nothing to worry about (I was pretty clear that wishing for him to say he's kinda getting emotionally involved was far beyond his capability), he goes on to say how he understands that and how he's ok with it because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that pretty much a diss in my eyes... So, I tell him how we want different things from each other, and he proceeds to ask me what do I want. Yeah. ABOUT THAT.
I cut off the conversation and called it a night.

I panicked and I'm currently fleeing, heart in hand, as far as I can go. See, the thing I keep forgetting is that, as tough as I am and cynical and sarcastic I can be, I want pretty much, what everyone wants: loved, appreciated, valued, esteemed, and yeah someone who wants me and only me... and I want these things because I want to feel the same way about someone else too; but... Jacob wannabe is mos def not relationship material.

So why is it that despite knowing better, people still go for the one thing that is not good for us? I have yet to figure it out.
In the meantime, I guess you could say I'm being a coward. I just see it as intelligence prevailing over foolishness and emotions and attraction and desire and hope and trouble.
SO there. At least I'm smarter. HAHA.

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy for those who think"
I'm failing to see the humor in the whole situation... soo... I don't know where that leaves me.
Oh well. I have two more days of moping around before I officially force myself to do things to keep myself busy and remove myself from that situation. As to hanging out again with him? Ahh... I'd say never again, but we know THAT won't work soo...

Catch y'all laters.

-Jezz

3 comments:

  1. as much as u didnt want to admit it i knew it was a person...

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  2. 1)I never said it wasn't a person
    2) It's not just the person, it's the circumstances that involve said person
    3) you sound as though you resent me for it... what gives? I'm human too.

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