Well, it seems as though I'm just as vulnerable and foolish as all women are said to be. But maybe I was right at calling myself a little smarter.

Ally will still look at me with a smirk that says "I told you so" and tell me I brought it upon myself, which to both, I will have to concurr.

The story as most stories of recent events, involves our favorite character, Jacob wannabe.

I hung out with Jacob wannabe again, and this time, in front of family. The interesting part is that, instead of sticking to our agreement to be neutral in front of the fam in order to avoid any awkward situations, he is openly flirting with me... and it's all going pretty well.
The whole day was great. I kept catching myself thinking I could get used to days like that, and hoping that there would be more... but then I kept catching him texting other girls.
Yeah... about that. The one thing we most certainly were clear about was the fact that we are nowhere near serious and neither one of us wants to head in that direction. I mean, it's all fun and games, right?
Yeahh... what had happened was... well... I got caught up in everything that happened during the day, and how easy going things were, and how comfortable it was, that I.. uhm... kinda let my guard down. I wasn't as tough and he wasn't an ass, so yeah... foolishness is persistent.
At the end of the day, when he dropped me off home, he kissed me goodnight. My hands were shaking, and I kinda left in a panic, heart racing and all.

See, I knew that I shouldn't have gone and ... well. I guess that it's useless trying to mend over dumb mistakes.
Anyhow. I text him telling him that although I had a great day, and a good time, I wouldn't be hanging out with him for a while. He proceeds to ask questions and I ultimately answer that I might end up getting emotionally involved and I'm trying to stop myself. And the sad sad sad part is that, instead of reassuring me that everything would be ok, and that I had nothing to worry about (I was pretty clear that wishing for him to say he's kinda getting emotionally involved was far beyond his capability), he goes on to say how he understands that and how he's ok with it because he doesn't want me to get hurt. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that pretty much a diss in my eyes... So, I tell him how we want different things from each other, and he proceeds to ask me what do I want. Yeah. ABOUT THAT.
I cut off the conversation and called it a night.

I panicked and I'm currently fleeing, heart in hand, as far as I can go. See, the thing I keep forgetting is that, as tough as I am and cynical and sarcastic I can be, I want pretty much, what everyone wants: loved, appreciated, valued, esteemed, and yeah someone who wants me and only me... and I want these things because I want to feel the same way about someone else too; but... Jacob wannabe is mos def not relationship material.

So why is it that despite knowing better, people still go for the one thing that is not good for us? I have yet to figure it out.
In the meantime, I guess you could say I'm being a coward. I just see it as intelligence prevailing over foolishness and emotions and attraction and desire and hope and trouble.
SO there. At least I'm smarter. HAHA.

"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy for those who think"
I'm failing to see the humor in the whole situation... soo... I don't know where that leaves me.
Oh well. I have two more days of moping around before I officially force myself to do things to keep myself busy and remove myself from that situation. As to hanging out again with him? Ahh... I'd say never again, but we know THAT won't work soo...

Catch y'all laters.

-Jezz

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy”

-Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942)

 I suppose that this is where my issues begin. I consider myself rather on the smart side. not a genius, but a rather a socially adept dork.
I've been having issues with the male gender recently. Namely, loss of respect, trust, reliance.... in general, a loss of faith in them and what they represent in women's lives.


I suppose it's because I've been dealing with the rather stupid side of the gender. Or is it because I'm dealing with the stupid but nice and cute, and the smart and cute asshole. I don't know. But when it comes to men, I've come to regard them all with lust and disdain.
An old saying goes:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

So, IS that my problem? That I bear the burden of intelligence? ad knowledge and wisdom, and standards and expectations? Is it really? It makes a girl wonder. It makes me reconsider and question if I'm not being to harsh, or too uptight, or too selfish. It makes me think that maybe I'm just asking for too much of a guy. But then again, I quote Erica Jong once again:

 “Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

Sadly, she has a point. Men are, in general, selfish creatures. I'm not saying that there aren't women that are this way too, but in women, there is  a certain desire to nourish and cradle, to be there, to be supportive, and understanding, to be sympathetic that is just plain undeniable and more often than not, it is of a subconscious  nature. I'll blame it on biology, evolution and preservation of the species. If men are known to be selfish, rather thoughtless creatures, someone's gotta take care of business with the family and make sure the kids are taken care of.... hence the nourishing, selfless ways, and when the selfless ways are ignored and women become deviant from this norm, we feel guilty. Yes, we feel guilty. I'll openly admit that the one reason I haven't left home and gone to do my own thing is because I would feel insanely guilty about leaving my mom like my dad has and I'd feel guilty for not having her being able to rely on me, just like she has come to be with my brother.

Which leads me into my next point in case. As much as I am independent and self reliant and have a can-do attitude, it can only go so far. Hormones are hormones and I can't fight the enemy betraying me from the inside... I am, a sucker for men. Wait, that didn't come out right. lol. What I mean is, that I am pretty much like any other girl out there, I want a guy I can rely on. Not because I will (because I most likely won't) but because it is comforting to have the option and the knowledge that  my back is covered. I read somewhere today:

Its interesting to consider that women are attracted to strong men. Many of these women don't even realize why they are attracted to them. I do. Its because they're looking for the man who is in complete control of his faculties and his life. The man of unrelenting strength of character and mind. Why? Because such a man wouldn't let anything mare his plans for happiness. And guess who would directly benefit from that?

 Well damn. That's all I can say to that. It's truly impressive that I hadn't realized that yet, with how true it is and how much I dwell on the subject of relationships. Nonetheless, it is true. I posted it as a facebook status earlier today, and someone commented that:

The statement is false... A relationship has always and will always consist of one stronger partner than another, the human condition unfortunately. In scientific terminology, 2 elements of equal polarity regardless of mass or volume will oppose one another equally, strong men and strong women normally will not permanently attract each other, one has to be stronger thus making one weaker by default.. Look at super stars who marry other super stars, they never last... So, a strong woman is not actually looking for a strong man, just someone stronger than themselves... and vice-versa.

To which I replied:

I do agree with it. I don't think that one necesary must be stronger than the other, I think it's more of consistent with being able COMPLEMENT each other, and work as a team in general. No matter how strong you are, you will always have flaws and weak spots. If you have a person by your side that can complement you and vice versa, then you are more likely to be strong as a unit, not just as individuals. but hey, I'm just sayin'.

As much as I am coming to distrust men and refuse to rely on them, I do still hope to get to someone, someone I can rely one, and believe in, and empower and feel uplifted by... I want to feel someone is part of my team, someone I know can stand by my side and I can consider an equal, a compliment. This is after all, what God intended when he created women.

But the more time passes I lose faith that this is ever gonna happen... but hey what do I know.

I'll end the post with another quote from Erica Jong, one that proves that feminists are not devoid of a vagina and a ♥:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Laters folks.

Jezz

:)

"My dear Watson," said he, "I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers."

- Sherlock Holmes

Nuff said !  lol