Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Emo rambling over fearing the future.

We can be a beautiful tragedy as we hold hands and fade into the sunset
Maybe somewhere along the line, thoughts were confused,
boundaries were blurred.
I thought sincerely thought we would spend our lives together.

I'm not sure what I believed
I guess you could say
led me to think everything would be ok
even in the moments I would get stomach-churning thoughts of what if
usually in the middle of your monologue conversations with me
and I've come to the conclusion that I'm used to having "Powers that Be"
in control of my life and destiny.
I look into my future and I don't see independence and freedom
I see a chain and ball tying me down
I see moral responsibilities, I see persistance and struggle
I see hope deception and disappointment
I fear my future.
I fear the uncertainty. I fear the thought that I have to go meet my future unknowing and unprepared.
I panic at the thought of the rest of my life, and I have yet to understand why.
I feel as though I'm tied down, like I completely skipped a decade of my life and ended up with a family to maintain and support and I see my own hopes and ambitions pushed down to a second plane, where things go to be forgotten, dreams deffered, relegated, gathering dust.
My heart feels like an abandoned home, like it was forgotten all together.
I fear that I will stay. and stay. and stay.
that i will stay in this sick sad situation and bear up with it, and let go of the dreams of independence and travel and adventure and excitement
I fear it will never go away, that these circumstances will remain the same for all of time and I will end up crying endless tears over the one thing no-one can ever get back: time.

No hay mal que dure 100 años ni cuerpo que lo resista.
Entonces, o el mal no dura 100 años, o el cuerpo no lo resiste?
Soy lo suficientemente fuerte para resistirlo 99?

"Even the sand is made of seashells"- Thursday
It's just another of those emo days for me, yet again.
Maybe I do need counseling. Is it normal to have these random mood swings, and feeling like an icy-hot liquid pours inside me repeatedly?
I'm thinking about death again. Bad idea, I know.
The sad part is that I'm at a point where even if I did have the intention to act on it, I wouldn't do it to avoid being the burden.

La parabola del hijo prodigo.
The story of the prodigal son. I am the eldest, literally and figuratively.
I had to take a break from writing this, because even the thought of this makes me cry.
I am the eldest, the one who stayed, the one who endured, and remained. The one who held things down, the one gave up freedom.
That is something mom will never understand because she isn't the one who stayed. She left, she got married, she had kids, she did her own thing.
I see Dude and I see the prodigal son, making his own choices, living his life, while I stay here, miserable. While I remain with a pride that feels like a stab in the heart, the spear that took away the life of my dreams. While I wonder what it feels like, wonder if the air is any sweeter, if the sun shines any brighter from doing as you wish, knowing that it probably feels that way.

.... to be continued.
I have a vast empty feeling in my heart that isn't getting any better with this thought.
I'm sad, and gloomy and just plain depressed.

"I know there are better days ahead, but oh this darkness looms around me, casting shadows, weighting burdens that make it impossible for me to walk away".... The words fit in more ways than one (._.)
Sorry for the rambling. :/

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