Friday, January 08, 2010

Part VI: What now?- Crash landing after a night in the clouds

In my previous post I succumbed into temptation and had an intense evening with Jacob Wannabe... even after everything that went on in December.
After several hours of what the hell I was doing, I eventually went home, and the reality of everything started to sink in. 

Part VI: What Now? Crash-landing after a night in the clouds

There were so many things wrong with what just happened, I was nowhere near beginning to process the night. Instead, I went home and texted him. Like that was a much better idea. Well, I seemed to think so at the time.
The next few days were a blur of sorts.
I was unsure of what was supposed to happen. He was unsure of what he was feeling.
Once again, the same issue arose. It seemed to be as though, as much as he may enjoy spending time with me, it wasn't something certain enough for him to take a chance on. Like they say, a bird in hand is worth a hundred in the bush. I was in a bush, and well, we all now who was in hand. 
Life has a way of being a bitch.

At this point, realizing that, instead of moving forward with what supposed to be the start of a GREAT year, I was headed pretty much in the opposite direction, I decided to cut ties, once again. I did the best thing I could, disappear. 
This did not, however, mean I was happy or celebrating or even learning a lesson. Oh no. 
I was, by all means, wallowing and sulking like a child throwing a tantrum. The good Jezz was desperately trying to stick to the decision while the bad Jezz was whining like a little bitch and complaining and being mad at the universe.
I came back to my same theory: is it because I'm someone who can -by all means and ways- be considered a good catch, that guys tend to steer away from me?! Do I seem that boring? or that intimidating for that matter? I want what everyone else wants, by all means. I want to be loved and appreciated. I want to share my time and combine efforts with a significant other. I want to go places and build memories and have fun. I want someone,who can have fun and still be put together enough so that I can take him to meet the family -all in due time of course-. However, I have NEVER had that luck or luxury. 
I really though, and hoped, for a time at least, secretly, that Jacob could be that someone.
And then I crash landed into reality.
This year is not off to the best of starts. What a fucking bitch.

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