Anyhow, in my depressive mindset, I sulked at home, watched movies, ate ice cream and listened to John Mayer's Battle Studies to fall asleep, all the while curling up into a little ball and wishing to get over this soon. Eventually, I decided to write.... and it turned to be a little more insightful than I originally would've guessed.
Open Letter to Jacob Wannabe:
an honest confession of more things I could've said
You represent more than I care to admit.
You were a step up from the guys I usually date.
The relationships I've had all had an expiration date on them. I knew that they would not last
I knew that eventually they would end and I was ok with that.
But I had hopes for you. Higher hopes that I care to admit.
In my life, you were the step up: me finally finding someone who was, at least in a sense, at my level
someone who has compatible ambtions, who was aiming high like I was
someone who had a family who supported his life plans, someone whom I didnt have to boss around
someone who didn't need to be babied, who was responsible and capable and had a certain level of maturity
that I craved in a relationship
someone with some, to some extent I could feel safe with... someone who could, if it came down to it, could protect me.
But you could protect me of many things... except yourself.
In many ways, I put you on a pedestal because I wanted
because I want to believe that I'm worthy of someone like you... the better side of you that lures me and that keeps me here.
But instead of that, you basically stepped all over me...
and it hurts
It kinda reinforces my previous belief that I don't
that I won't be able to find someone up to my level who loves me...
and I'll be stuck in a position where I'll either be
in love with someone whom I consider an equal, and who treats me like shit
or putting up with someone who loves me to death, but lacks the same vision and ambition I have, therefore not attracting me.
Do I really have insanely high standards?
And I feel as though the rejection is like a wave crashing upon me...
I hurl myself at the one constant source of affection in my life for comfort, for reassurance
that I'm still someone... that I still have feelings in there
that I can cry and not have to be strong all the time
that I can let go and not have to worry about getting hurt
and that I'm worth of someone loving me for the sheer fact that I am I.
But why am I willing to settle for less than I deserve? Am I all that morally lost? Or am I really just lacking that much affection?
At the end of the, regardless of whatever happens, I'm the one who goes to sleep every night wondering if there is someone out there, who can relate and can be considered equally yoked and hopes for the same.