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Monday, October 29, 2012
Not really here
I don't want to bother today.I just want to go home. Sleep.I secretly wish Sandy was coming to GA and not NYC.I'd stay home for about a week, eat candy, watch movies.
Dance around in the snow/rain/slush and cuddle up with hot chocolate ...
Not much to say today.Or lately for that matter...I'm just ready to go home and get in bed until... whenever.I thought about the words that describe how I'm feelingBut talking about that stuff never really works so...Here's how I'm feeling today:
The Escapist- The Streets
All these walls were never really thereNor the ceiling or the chairI'm eking weeks of peace at the beachI see the breezes weave the trees
These walls you'll find are yours and mineDefined not by them II'm in times that lie behind my eyelidsThe sunset still the rising silence
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
There's no rain on roof that grates and beats meMy favorite tree breaking light to piecesSprinkling, sharded light on meThrow a stone as high as you can
And hearing with hand not hear it landNothing taxing dusting sandMy window world spins and twirlsThe walls then fall, I recall the sort
White clouds white wash faded spotlessThe weighty shadows, ranges of rocksThe cold is all illusion thought upStroll on the shore, snooze and explore
All possibilities in each new morning'Til satisfied reaching out, yawningFish in a big dish, some rice and spiceSalt over shoulder, never salted so tight
The truth I have told was silence sometimesBut who's soul does not hide any crimesWrapped in walls, encircled by workThe walls fall, the story occurs
No barrier, no boundary or 'low us ID'sThe freedom to stay off straightBe fiend or friend cause no harm but charmThe peaceful end
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near hereI'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
Pale ancient woods, strew white sandy baysThis ugly room pales away todayI'm swimming in the ocean, I sink slow motionFingers, toes, floating
Every year 'til yesterdayI see the eternal setting seaI compare all this to meIt's all fleeting momentary me
I blink my eyes, this is reminding meLife lies in the blink of an eyeThe old die for reasons, new tides for seasonsNew life born is like teasing
All these walls were really never thereNor the ceiling or the chairI'm eking weeks of peace at the beachI see the breezes weave the trees
I am not here at all, you are dearly fooledI see bristling trees, the shush at the seaMischievous, fluttering seagullsNo, I'm not trapped in a box, so I am glancing at rocksI'm dancing off docks, since this stance began that's where I am
I'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near hereI'm not full of fear 'cause I'm not really hereI'm nowhere near here
So done
Monday, October 22, 2012
y luego no nos conocemos....
Enseñame a olvidar lo que siento por ti
como nuestro amor llegó a su fin
enseñame lo que tengo que hacer para olvidar el dolor
de perderte a ti, de perderte a ti, de perderte
Juguemos un juego pa olvidar lo que tenemos,
cuenta hasta tres y luego no nos conocemos
todo quedó en historia, olvidaste mi memoria
y pa asegurar no recordarte, cero zanahoria...
Me mori...
Eso de que cuenta hasta 3 y luego no nos conocemos...
.... es que es imposible... como tu borras una persona, enterecita,
con todas sus manías, sus vicisitudes, sus pensamientos, sus palabras, sus acentos, su presencia
su forma de caminar, sus besos, su todo... como uno lo borra?
That's like erasing a whole fucking decade of my life...
O sea, como se hace eso?! Alguien que me diga !!
It's like that stupid song, "Somebody I Used to Know"
I guess the first thing is that I've never had a break up so terrible that I've never again spoken to an ex
Not once.
And then there's the fact that I've known you... foreeeeeever.
When I had glasses and was a complete dork
When I could never go anywhere
When I finally started to come out of my shell and make friends
When I was finally bold enough to hug you (and felt like I almost died)
When I got smart and snuck out of my house... in the middle of the night... to go to the parties at your house... and sneak a couple drinks, hope to get to talk to you for a bit...
when we would climb to the roof of your house to look at the stars and talk
when you would come visit my house and have to sneak out when my parents got home
when you left the country... and then when you came back
when I left the country and didn't come back
when you moved to Philly, when I moved to Atl
... and that's like... 4 years ago still...
de ahi pa'lante es que pasamos las mil y una...
los viajes, los pleitos, los pikes, las canciones, los amigos, la uni juntos
there's too much that's related to you...
I feel like Joel, from Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind... his whole world is fading before his imaginary subconscious self, and he's trying to hold on the very last, infinitesimal bit of Clementine
and now I feel the same...
I'm trying to grasp that last bits of you, of us, that I can find...
tu gorra, tu camiseta, los peluches que me diste, las cartas que me escribiste...
I don't want to forget... I don't want to let go...
I'm losing my mind here...
pero al final de cuentas, subconscientemente ellos cruzan caminos otra vez...
so I guess it's just a matter of time, right?
I can't forget...
Entre la cama y la puerta, el vacío que siento no me deja disfrutar
naaaadaaa...
Por mas que me ocupo, por mas que me entretengo...
I'm working on a "Fake it til you make it" mentality here
and it's certainly not working... at all....
As much as I enjoy food, and I eat like a tank,
Todo me sabe a cartón.
Nada me interesa...
Not working, not studying, not being busy
Not artwork, not redecorating my whole apt...
nothing is fun.
...nothing is fun ...
without you, babes
I keep myself "entertained"
doing things to keep the motions going, and stop my brain from thinking
Pero yo toy a un punto que no me importa...
prefiero pasarme la vida peleando contigo que "gozando" con otra persona
...
nada me sabe igual, y no me gusta
Estoy en huelga de afectos
....
y si no yo no tengo el tuyo, pues nadie va a tener el mio....
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Vueltas y Vueltas
My head is spinning
Dando vueltas y vueltas y vueltas
I'm upset and I don't know why.
Or maybe I kinda do. I just really don't feel like figuring shit out.
I want to wallow. Hoodie, headphones, solitude.
It's just one of those days.
In the great words of ancient Limp Bizkit:
I just want to get in bed and bury myself there until further notice, but I'm constantly surrounded by people. People wanting to talk, and people wanting me to listen, and people wanting me to care, and people wanting me to be funny, and happy and shit like that.
Not every day is going to be a happy day.
I don't think I'm up for faking it today.
The salt from my tears has made my contacts sting my eyes today.
My hair is a mess. A big, curly, puffy, fluffy mess, in a sea of manicured everything. I hate the burbs for how seemingly perfect everything and everyone is.
I don't fit in here. I don't quite fit in in DR either, but what's a girl to do.
I'm counting down the minutes to get out of here, and I don't even know how I'm getting home.
Typical Jezz.
I'm feeling too much shit today and it's irritating me.
I've trapped it all in a box, which I keep in the center of an empty room in my head.
Today my box is rattling furiously
and all I want to do is kick it to the moon.
I spare you, whomever you are, from my sour demeanor today.
Duty calls.
Dando vueltas y vueltas y vueltas
I'm upset and I don't know why.
Or maybe I kinda do. I just really don't feel like figuring shit out.
I want to wallow. Hoodie, headphones, solitude.
It's just one of those days.
In the great words of ancient Limp Bizkit:
Its just one a those days when you don't wanna wake upEverything is fucked, everybody sucksYou don't really know why, but you wanna justifyRipping someone's head offNo human contact, and if you interact your life is on contractYour best bet is to stay away mother fuckerIts just one of those daysI don't feel like dealing with people today.
I just want to get in bed and bury myself there until further notice, but I'm constantly surrounded by people. People wanting to talk, and people wanting me to listen, and people wanting me to care, and people wanting me to be funny, and happy and shit like that.
Not every day is going to be a happy day.
I don't think I'm up for faking it today.
The salt from my tears has made my contacts sting my eyes today.
My hair is a mess. A big, curly, puffy, fluffy mess, in a sea of manicured everything. I hate the burbs for how seemingly perfect everything and everyone is.
I don't fit in here. I don't quite fit in in DR either, but what's a girl to do.
I'm counting down the minutes to get out of here, and I don't even know how I'm getting home.
Typical Jezz.
I'm feeling too much shit today and it's irritating me.
I've trapped it all in a box, which I keep in the center of an empty room in my head.
Today my box is rattling furiously
and all I want to do is kick it to the moon.
I spare you, whomever you are, from my sour demeanor today.
Duty calls.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Basic Space- Chronicles of a dying love
Lo extraño.
El resto de las palabras me sobran.
Lo extraño hasta en los huesos. En mis sueños. En mis cosas. En lo que escribo.
Lo extraño y me duele.
No soy tan ilusa de pensar que todo era perfecto.
Pero ciertamente, había amor de sobra. Todavía no entiendo por qué todo tiene que tener un final tan abrupto. Tan frío.
Cuando lo extraño solo recuerdo las cosas buenas.
Los chistes, sus caricias, su olor, sus besos.
Recuerdo como siempre me traía los chocolates que me gustan, los Reeses mini cups, y me los dejaba en la mesa. Recuerdo la última gripe que me dio, tan mala que lloré entre la fiebre y el sueño y el cansancio y el dolor; y ahí estaba él. Quitándome el pelo de entre los ojos, acariciándome la frente con un paño frío, dándome besos para que durmiera mejor.
Tanto amor echado al vacío.
Tengo que recordarme que no terminamos por lo bueno.
Lo bueno siempre fue bueno. Feliz.... pero la vida no es color rosa, él no fue un príncipe azul siempre, y yo no soy la heroína de esta historia tampoco.
We were human, and flawed and selfish.
I have to constantly remind myself the series of events that lead up to this demise.
There wasn't anything left there, I was alone. I had no-one to talk to, I had no-one to battle things out with. Me quedé sola en un lugar donde debíamos ser dos, unidos como uno.
Lloré. Mucho. Sola.
Esas cosas no se improvisan. El hastío que sentí no llegó de la noche a la mañana.
It was an accumulation of grievances, of unspoken disappointments, of hopes crushed and desires ignored.
pero coño, cuánto me dueles.
Todavía no he podido desencajarte de mi
Todavía me duele pensar en que tú dueles, en que tu sufres ... en especial porque sé que es culpa mía.
At the end of the day, I always knew I was the stronger one of us two.
I have hated that fact for a while now, because it meant I was the one who had to do what had to be done. I still hate that. I still hate that I see things before they happen and have to prepare for their consequences.
I had to do what had to be done, and that was to walk away.
Porque si no, no ibas a entender.
No ibas a captar que el amor es un racimo, creciendo entre espinas, y al dejarlo al olvido, muere de sed
You were so sure that I would always come back that you forgot I had the right not to.
You forgot to love and I loved to forget the things you'd forget.
Until I remembered and things changed. I didn't want to forget anymore.
We fell apart.
Shit happened.
Todavía te extraño.
No con el deseo de que vuelvas a ser mío, sino con la tristeza de verte partir.
Ver esta historia terminar me parte el corazón en veinte mil pedacitos
todos esparciéndose entre las estrellas al ver
un universo entero caducar, y exhalar por última vez.
Todavía te lloro.
Porque me haces falta. Porque todavía te amo, de muchas maneras.
Y no sé cómo apagarlo, y me dueles.
I walked away but every step I've taken is harder than the hardest thing I could have imagined doing.
My parting was abrupt and harsh. I didn't want to dwell. It still hurts.
Your words still haunt me:
I had no other choice left babes, I really didn't....
I just hope you'll understand that some day.
El resto de las palabras me sobran.
Lo extraño hasta en los huesos. En mis sueños. En mis cosas. En lo que escribo.
Lo extraño y me duele.
No soy tan ilusa de pensar que todo era perfecto.
Pero ciertamente, había amor de sobra. Todavía no entiendo por qué todo tiene que tener un final tan abrupto. Tan frío.
Cuando lo extraño solo recuerdo las cosas buenas.
Los chistes, sus caricias, su olor, sus besos.
Recuerdo como siempre me traía los chocolates que me gustan, los Reeses mini cups, y me los dejaba en la mesa. Recuerdo la última gripe que me dio, tan mala que lloré entre la fiebre y el sueño y el cansancio y el dolor; y ahí estaba él. Quitándome el pelo de entre los ojos, acariciándome la frente con un paño frío, dándome besos para que durmiera mejor.
Tanto amor echado al vacío.
Tengo que recordarme que no terminamos por lo bueno.
Lo bueno siempre fue bueno. Feliz.... pero la vida no es color rosa, él no fue un príncipe azul siempre, y yo no soy la heroína de esta historia tampoco.
We were human, and flawed and selfish.
I have to constantly remind myself the series of events that lead up to this demise.
There wasn't anything left there, I was alone. I had no-one to talk to, I had no-one to battle things out with. Me quedé sola en un lugar donde debíamos ser dos, unidos como uno.
Lloré. Mucho. Sola.
Esas cosas no se improvisan. El hastío que sentí no llegó de la noche a la mañana.
It was an accumulation of grievances, of unspoken disappointments, of hopes crushed and desires ignored.
pero coño, cuánto me dueles.
Todavía no he podido desencajarte de mi
Todavía me duele pensar en que tú dueles, en que tu sufres ... en especial porque sé que es culpa mía.
At the end of the day, I always knew I was the stronger one of us two.
I have hated that fact for a while now, because it meant I was the one who had to do what had to be done. I still hate that. I still hate that I see things before they happen and have to prepare for their consequences.
I had to do what had to be done, and that was to walk away.
Porque si no, no ibas a entender.
No ibas a captar que el amor es un racimo, creciendo entre espinas, y al dejarlo al olvido, muere de sed
You were so sure that I would always come back that you forgot I had the right not to.
You forgot to love and I loved to forget the things you'd forget.
Until I remembered and things changed. I didn't want to forget anymore.
We fell apart.
Shit happened.
Todavía te extraño.
No con el deseo de que vuelvas a ser mío, sino con la tristeza de verte partir.
Ver esta historia terminar me parte el corazón en veinte mil pedacitos
todos esparciéndose entre las estrellas al ver
un universo entero caducar, y exhalar por última vez.
Todavía te lloro.
Porque me haces falta. Porque todavía te amo, de muchas maneras.
Y no sé cómo apagarlo, y me dueles.
I walked away but every step I've taken is harder than the hardest thing I could have imagined doing.
My parting was abrupt and harsh. I didn't want to dwell. It still hurts.
Your words still haunt me:
This is you, jumping into a moving car.
You left me.
And this is me, waving goodbye in your rearview mirror.
I had no other choice left babes, I really didn't....
I just hope you'll understand that some day.
Thursday, September 01, 2011
ending august
It's been ages since I posted anything
Partially that's been due to the lack of planning
and the lack of time
and internet at my house
and all the stuff I've been wrapped around with
As usual this will be another dump post where everything is said with very little coherence
I apologize in advance for the lack of continuity
and furthermore, to all those who have been awaiting my reply for a long long time
I thrice apologize: for not answering at the time, for not getting around to it, and for knowing I won't reply in the near future either.
I can't believe I missed April, May, June and July, and almost August... I guess the year is flying by before our disbelieving eyes. *sigh*
Long Story short:
new job is good
my car died, permanently
my brother got into more mischief, again
we filed my mom's residence papers and we're waiting... and waiting
my mom gave me her car
i went to PA with babes
i road tripped to NYC with Ally J
i came to reality and work
i went to spain to drop off JO with dad
my mom is driving me crazy, as much as I love her
my dad is a cave man
I have a fit of madness and buy a bunch of random shit and call it retail therapy
i come back home to reality
i have a meltdown that turns into an existential crisis
Partially that's been due to the lack of planning
and the lack of time
and internet at my house
and all the stuff I've been wrapped around with
As usual this will be another dump post where everything is said with very little coherence
I apologize in advance for the lack of continuity
and furthermore, to all those who have been awaiting my reply for a long long time
I thrice apologize: for not answering at the time, for not getting around to it, and for knowing I won't reply in the near future either.
I can't believe I missed April, May, June and July, and almost August... I guess the year is flying by before our disbelieving eyes. *sigh*
Long Story short:
new job is good
my car died, permanently
my brother got into more mischief, again
we filed my mom's residence papers and we're waiting... and waiting
my mom gave me her car
i went to PA with babes
i road tripped to NYC with Ally J
i came to reality and work
i went to spain to drop off JO with dad
my mom is driving me crazy, as much as I love her
my dad is a cave man
I have a fit of madness and buy a bunch of random shit and call it retail therapy
i come back home to reality
i have a meltdown that turns into an existential crisis
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Round 2
Is this what we've become? .... I don't recognize any of this, I can't see the two people who loved each other at some point or another... It's like you resent me for being me.... Maybe i'm way off base.... As for myself, it's like I see a child when I look at you... Which would explain my utter disregard for what you say.... Maybe i'm the problem, me & my issues with being told what to do & what not to do & my preconceived notions, forged by a mental regime imposed by my dad's ocd, on how people need to act & appropriate behavior.... I'm rambling & I'm sleepy.... Guess I'll call it a night for now... Laters
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
....
I'm siting next to you and all I can think about is how much longer will we do this... Time keeps passing & it feels like you're still stuck at 16 and I feel like the more I try to make things work, the less effort you seem to want to make... So what am I supposed to do? How do I make peace with all this disdain and disappointment I feel when we're together?... Is it unreasonable of me to expect more than mediocrity from you? Is it insensible of me to believe that you CHOOSE to live a life of underachieving and hoping and dreaming of greatness and success? Maybe I'm being stupid... But i'll be caught dead before I actually tell you that 50% of the time I feel like you're dragging me down in a downward spiral that ends on a rut & a grave, and the other half I sit, puzzled & confused, wondering if this is all you have to offer & if that's enough for me... Is this all I deserve? .... Days like this make me feel like love, no matter how much of it you may have for me & I for you... is just not enough to turn a blind eye & stay with a heavy heart... I'm trying, I'm really trying here.... but at what point do I forgo saving the sinking ship of us and save whatever is left of me?... & you're high & asleep while I, wonder our fates away...
Thursday, March 03, 2011
So it's March and I write a new post
February is officially over and done with and so I can write a post and not feel like I'm twitting my life over blogger.
HA.
I now have a job! YAAAAAY! I start monday! I'm working in the same field and in a similar schedule (late afternoons & evenings), but I'm making a little more than before, and I get a 401K plan and I get overtime as well, so... pretty shoes of the world, hear my cry! I'm coming for ya!! :)
My mom was extra happy & nice and bought me stuff for me to wear to work so I look extra pretty on my first week. Luckily, the new job is like 5 minutes away from my school, which also means that I won't have to rush like a maniac from campus to work and vice versa. Sadly, the 3 weeks of training start on monday, and I have to be there by 9 am.... I'm not a morning person, at allllll.... o.O but I've been a little better about my sleeping habits and I've been hitting bed by 12am, which is significant progress compared to my usual 3 am-ish bedtime.
In other notes, Babes and I have weaned off the arguing - Thank God- and we've been actually having a lot of fun. Part of it, I think, is due to the fact that he's been a tab more social and sociable, because one of his friends got kicked out by his gf, and has been staying at Babes house for the last few days.
Random note: Taco Bell is open til 2 am or later. 4th meal is that random, middle of the night craving you get and head out to any of the very select few places open past 1 am in a Wednesday night. The only problem with 4th meal is that, while you may eat it at night.... you pay for it the morning after. o.O Worst.Stomachache.EVER.
mmmh.... I'm trying to think of what else has been going on in life, and thankfully, this is all for now.
Then again, it's been about a week, if not less, since my last post so I guess it's just a matter of giving time, time.
laters gaters!
Jezz
HA.
I now have a job! YAAAAAY! I start monday! I'm working in the same field and in a similar schedule (late afternoons & evenings), but I'm making a little more than before, and I get a 401K plan and I get overtime as well, so... pretty shoes of the world, hear my cry! I'm coming for ya!! :)
My mom was extra happy & nice and bought me stuff for me to wear to work so I look extra pretty on my first week. Luckily, the new job is like 5 minutes away from my school, which also means that I won't have to rush like a maniac from campus to work and vice versa. Sadly, the 3 weeks of training start on monday, and I have to be there by 9 am.... I'm not a morning person, at allllll.... o.O but I've been a little better about my sleeping habits and I've been hitting bed by 12am, which is significant progress compared to my usual 3 am-ish bedtime.
In other notes, Babes and I have weaned off the arguing - Thank God- and we've been actually having a lot of fun. Part of it, I think, is due to the fact that he's been a tab more social and sociable, because one of his friends got kicked out by his gf, and has been staying at Babes house for the last few days.
Random note: Taco Bell is open til 2 am or later. 4th meal is that random, middle of the night craving you get and head out to any of the very select few places open past 1 am in a Wednesday night. The only problem with 4th meal is that, while you may eat it at night.... you pay for it the morning after. o.O Worst.Stomachache.EVER.
mmmh.... I'm trying to think of what else has been going on in life, and thankfully, this is all for now.
Then again, it's been about a week, if not less, since my last post so I guess it's just a matter of giving time, time.
laters gaters!
Jezz
Saturday, February 26, 2011
February in the life
I'm staring at the page wondering where to begin, but the reality of it is that I'm not even sure.
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...
Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.
Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.
In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.
As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.
I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?
....
About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls) and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!)
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)
While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.
Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.
I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...
In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.
Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)
Much love to all.
-Jezz
It feels like it's been SO SO long since I've actually sat down and had a good thought about my thoughts on anything. I kinda feel like I've been in autopilot for so long that I've lost something. Is that really the case? ...
Life's been pretty insane in 2011 and it's February is barely ending.
Soozi is pregnant with twins. We had a nasty argument over FB messages, and to be honest, I still wonder why I even give a fuck about the whole ordeal... I suppose that it's because it bothers Babes so much, and how bad their arguing has gotten?
I miss how things used to be. She's become so angry, and resentful, and belligerent... It's almost as if she's so afraid of being judged and criticized that she shuns everyone away and in her paranoid fear attacks everyone trying to get close to her. Defense mechanisms can be a bitch sometimes, huh?
After the fb message showdown it's painfully obvious that we all need time away from each other, to let time heal old wounds and nasty words to be left behind... but even now, it really sucks to see someone you cared about drift further and further apart... that's life though... We live, learn and move along.
In regards to my Jacob Wannabe saga, I'm pretty happy to say that we've managed to settle in an easy going friendship as of late. After the great debacle where all the cheating was brought to light, and he & PB broke up, he's been a lot more mellowed and zen-like. Don't get me wrong, he's still his usual flirt and social butterfly. But it's very comforting to know that we don't have that magnetic fatal attraction in the way of a sincere friendship. He's slowly become less of an attraction and more of an open ear and vice versa.
As for me and Babes, well, where do I begin? We've been on a losing streak with arguments ensuing over dumb shit like ordering pizza and major things like me feeling neglected and him feeling like I'm a selfish bitch.
Is it that we've been together for so long that we've grown accustomed to each other and see ourselves with such a sad mundane eye? I can't quite explain what the hell it is that's going wrong. All I know is that we're on a 3 day basis where we just end up stuck in another argument & I leave his apt, and he won't even bother to say a word...
Valentine's day was a TOTAL fiasco. So bad, so bad to the point where I'm crying, and he's yelling and then we both stop in our tracks and just wonder WTF we're even fighting about. He ended up going to work. I went to pick him up. In a sweet gesture to end the arguing, he gave me a box of chocolates. I ate them and cried, of course, because of the gesture, because of the chocolate, and because I was just that sad. I ended up just going home after dropping him and that was that.
I went to Florida for a weekend (more on that later on) and he threw a fit when I was leaving. I stocked his fridge before I left, making sure he had plenty of easy-grab snacks and tried to ease my absence by texting as much as I could.
But THE DAY I GOT BACK we argued to the point where I swore up and down I was DOOONE with everything, with feeling like we're not going anywhere and there was no point to even bothering.
I changed my fb status to single. He freaked. I didn't know what the hell to do about it. I drove to his house at 4 am and we argued for 3 hours and then I went back home. Apparently, our attempts at progress mean taking one step forward and then 2 steps back.
I ended up changing it to BLANK. According to JWB, that's the definition of relationship limbo. I guess he's right? I'm not sure.
We've called a truce. Supposedly back together. We're working on no more arguing.
...but how many times can I actually convince myself that this time will be different before enough is enough?
....
About the trip to FL.
I went with some friends, and while I had a good time, I was pretty pissed for a good portion of the trip because of stupid annoyances.
For example, (true story) We went to a club while we were in Ft. Lauderdale. At said club, I decided to get slightly very happy and tipsy and dance the night away. There was a stage. Me & a friend got on said stage (along with a bunch of random girls) and started dancing. At some point everyone started to take off their shoes, so I did the same. I mean them shoes were KILLING me! So I left my shoes resting beside me and keep dancing, and some random guy, who had been standing a few feet away to my left, decided to grab my shoes and toss them across the bar.... W. T. F. (!!!!)
I freaked out and then the bartender threw out the guy & his friend and my shoes were later on recovered, but damn... only in my life would random shit like that happen. (O.o)
While on the trip, I also figured out that I REALLY REALLY REALLY dislike people who manipulate other people and manipulate situations and circumstances to ONLY get what THEY want and nothing else, and then don't give two shits about anybody else's time or plans.
Let it suffice to say that I was ridiculously HAPPY to get home and get away from those people, and just be at home with my mom & brothers. Not that I dislike being with them, but, well, it was THAT bad.
I'm still (un)happily unemployed, but, I recently found out that my previous employer is now... out of business... Go figure. The company is closing down, and everyone that was still working there was given a 5 day notice, and advised to apply for unemployment benefits. So yeah, about that...
In the meantime, I went to a few interviews at the same place this week, which seems to be a good thing. I'm hoping that this one's the one for now. I kinda miss having my own funding, and eating Chinese food, and shopping for pretty shoes.
Well world... this has been it for the last month or so... Life's crazy twists and turns never stop, so never fear, I'll be back soon enough :)
Much love to all.
-Jezz
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Ignorance is bliss.
This post is ridiculously overdue, and for that I apologize. Feels like all I do lately is apologize, but oh well.
I have come to the conclusion that my life will be, inevitably, over dramatic regardless of what I do, but I'm moving on cause we already knew that.
In sum, life has gone a little something like this (just in January):
New Years, I was sick in bed, so I partied with my mom and ice cream and the Ball Drop in NYC in my Bed.
My grandparents left back to DR :(
Jacob WB discovered that his best friend, Pilot, went out with and slept with PB secretly last year, and they both had kept it a secret. Later on, when he tried to break up with her, she brought this up.
And thus, a player was played, and he turned into a mess of tears and insomnia.
On the 10th, there was an epic snow storm that had us locked in. I was "smart" enough to head over to a friend's house and got snowed in. We spent 3 days drinking, playing video games, watching movies, eating like crazy, making smores and all kinds of good stuff.
When I did head back home, my car skidded on the highway and did a 360 turn on ice... osea I was facing the direction I came from and cars were coming straight at me :/
Thank goodness nothing happened to me or my car or anyone else.
I got home and then spent 6 days stuck at home :( Icy roads sucks, btw.
I heard through the grape vine that a once very close friend of mine is now having twins... Idk what to say or think on that one, but I really do hope the best.
In an accident (well, okay, not so much accidental, but it was certainly not deliberate and intentional) mishap, I ended up in Babes fb inbox... and read a message that was most certainly not meant for me....Badass that I am, I saved a copy of it for myself, but I'm kinda regretting it, because I keep reading over it trying to find something that makes me feel better and I honestly only feel the opposite...
I brought it up and got a response of "She was just sad and I was trying to make her feel better. It's not anything like that...She's too young for anything, I saw her when she was little, we grew up together" etcetera, etcetera....
I really don't know what to believe anymore to be honest. I just dropped the conversation and moved on, but the truth is that I still keep thinking about the conversation I read - really, on the things that he wrote to her, if anything- it feels like shards of glass stabbed in my heart.... but oh well, that's life for ya....
The moral of this story folks is that ignorance is bliss. Treasure it. Secrets that are buried are buried, in part because the person who did it, in some shape or another does care enough to do so.
Sometimes, knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.
I'll leave you with the bits and pieces that keep haunting the back of my mind... draw your own conclusions if you will, and learn something if you can.
I have come to the conclusion that my life will be, inevitably, over dramatic regardless of what I do, but I'm moving on cause we already knew that.
In sum, life has gone a little something like this (just in January):
New Years, I was sick in bed, so I partied with my mom and ice cream and the Ball Drop in NYC in my Bed.
My grandparents left back to DR :(
Jacob WB discovered that his best friend, Pilot, went out with and slept with PB secretly last year, and they both had kept it a secret. Later on, when he tried to break up with her, she brought this up.
And thus, a player was played, and he turned into a mess of tears and insomnia.
On the 10th, there was an epic snow storm that had us locked in. I was "smart" enough to head over to a friend's house and got snowed in. We spent 3 days drinking, playing video games, watching movies, eating like crazy, making smores and all kinds of good stuff.
When I did head back home, my car skidded on the highway and did a 360 turn on ice... osea I was facing the direction I came from and cars were coming straight at me :/
Thank goodness nothing happened to me or my car or anyone else.
I got home and then spent 6 days stuck at home :( Icy roads sucks, btw.
I heard through the grape vine that a once very close friend of mine is now having twins... Idk what to say or think on that one, but I really do hope the best.
In an accident (well, okay, not so much accidental, but it was certainly not deliberate and intentional) mishap, I ended up in Babes fb inbox... and read a message that was most certainly not meant for me....Badass that I am, I saved a copy of it for myself, but I'm kinda regretting it, because I keep reading over it trying to find something that makes me feel better and I honestly only feel the opposite...
I brought it up and got a response of "She was just sad and I was trying to make her feel better. It's not anything like that...She's too young for anything, I saw her when she was little, we grew up together" etcetera, etcetera....
I really don't know what to believe anymore to be honest. I just dropped the conversation and moved on, but the truth is that I still keep thinking about the conversation I read - really, on the things that he wrote to her, if anything- it feels like shards of glass stabbed in my heart.... but oh well, that's life for ya....
The moral of this story folks is that ignorance is bliss. Treasure it. Secrets that are buried are buried, in part because the person who did it, in some shape or another does care enough to do so.
Sometimes, knowing nothing is better than knowing at all.
I'll leave you with the bits and pieces that keep haunting the back of my mind... draw your own conclusions if you will, and learn something if you can.
December 23, 2010 at 10:12am
I love you ( & I want you) and I hope everything works out. Bye!
P.S: txt me sometimes, I could never forget about you.
P.S: txt me sometimes, I could never forget about you.
December 25, 2010 at 2:44pm
I hope your having a very merry christmas today princess and I hope Santa gave you all the things you really wanted!
P.S: I was always a little nervous about this, but remember when you visited us in philly? Well I did want to kiss but I was so much older than you and didn't know how'd you react to it... I think i just should have done it...
You're funny and different from other girls and thats always a plus...
January 19 at 12:19am
I've always given advice when you really needed it and I'm not ever gonna stop, because I honestly care about you and worry when you're upset... I'm not tryin' to be a punk or nothin' but you're too beautiful to me to be frowning... That's just me
It pisses me off more to know that your being played with like game, Jesus, you're beautiful, funny, fun to be around plus you're Dominican, ain't no bitch out there that can touch you or come close... Nobody compares to you... If it was up to me I'd try to shower you with whatever you wanted and rub your feet till you felt better, but I'm so far that the only thing that would really reach you are my words. So please remember not all of us are cut from the same cloth... And I someday I wanna have the chance to show you what it is exactly that your looking for and to make you feel appreciated. Because I just can't stand to know that someone thinks of you only as a game...
... But, lord only knows that if I was the next man... I sorta felt like I had a chance one time before and missed out on it... Anyway, just know there IS someone one out there that see's you for the princess that you are, I was just to afraid to tell you when I could (please dont ask me why)...
Think about it like this, if you would. It's like watching "the Laura show" on t.v as much as I scream and yell at the screen you still end up getting hurt and I could've been the guy to save you, feel me?
So, that one time we went to Allentown and chilled and had fun, I saw you differently, you were so alive and dancing and drinking and you were just being you! I was attracted instantly... But thinking about being "so much" older than you made think you wouldn't think of me in that way... Also it was the fact that I didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of you. But with everything and everyone in the world going crazy around us, it wouldn't have been so crazy after all. Since then I've been kicking myself in the ass. Laura your one in a million and although it might seem funny to you at times, seriously, to this day it bugs me and then when I see what you go through in your day to day with these stupid-ass niggaz I really get upset...
January 19 at 1:37pm
I know it seems like it would be strange and im not asking you to do anything at all sweety! What I am saying is that I wouldn't mind giving us a shot if we had the chance and yes from a distance nothing can really be done. But the world is ever turning and if I remember correctly the time you did visit us in Philly you felt something just like I did we just didn't do much about it... But to be honest things are headed for a turn soon and you never know who's gonna be knocking on your door next, feel me? So just keep an open mind and remember I DO care about you Laura, when I look at you I see something more...
Saturday, December 04, 2010
In which the recent developments explode and we're left wondering WTF
so... this post is slightly dramatic, and quite frankly I don't really care.
In the last 3 weeks the following has occurred in the over-eventful life of Jezz:
My pc crashed days before my project was due... which of course was stored in my pc.
I was able to restore it, but now the tablet functions and the speakers don't work... at all.
My car broke down, and became undrivable... while I was in traffic gridlock... at 8 am... on my way to school... and I was scared out of my wits.
I managed to make it to the repair shop, and then they quoted $547.00 to fix it.
Haha.
I left the car there for like 2 days.
I went to a junk yard with a few friends, and bought the piece my car needed for $50.
I took th piece to the repair shop, and they started to fix it, but then they said they needed another part.
fml.
I went to work... only to find out that ... I no longer have a job.
I should say that I'm upset... but I'm not...
I was HAPPY.
How insane is that? With the economy and the fact that I've got bills to pay... well I have no idea what's gonna happen now, but I am SO! HAPPY! to be gone from that place after 2 1/2 years of that blank void!
But, what really sucks that I found this out AFTER pay $30 in a cab to get to work, since my car was at the shop.... I could use those $30 bucks right about now.
There were some program changes on my degree... and now there are some new required classes, which of course I haven't taken, and then to make matters worse, the one class I was forced to retake this quarter (because I failed it once, and then withdrew from it the time after) is NOT a required class after all, and of course I find this out AFTER I almost committed suicide several times which trying to force myself to do the hw. Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. Now instead of being eligible to graduate from my associates' in January, I'll have to endure another 2 quarters, and then be able to transfer schools by June. Which is fine I suppose. I mean, it's not like I've got other big things to keep me busy at the time, no job and all...
I'd say that is all, but when has Jezz's life not included some romantic life drama? hehe...Besides, I know you wanna know....
SO I went to one of the Dominican Crew's get-togethers.
This was a baaaad idea.
I planned to go in my car, and let mom go in hers... but she parked behind me and basically blocked me until I said I'd go with her... even though I literally begged her to let me drive my car over there... but fuck it, I went with mom.
We got there. Said hello to the usuals...
and then, of course, they were there.
I don't need to elaborate, do I? In case I do, I'll say it. Jacob & PB were there.
I wasn't mentally prepared for that.. . it was like NYE last year, all over again, except this time I looked like crap and she was on point, and I was also sick and tired from all the Other bs I've been dealing with.
I might add that, at this point, after I had a minor panic attack and reemerged from the bathroom with the reddest dace I've ever seen myself have, Mom felt bad, and said that she was sorry. But sorry was kinda late cause I was stuck there for the rest of the night, with no way of being able to leave.
The night went along, I felt kinda left out, but whatever, they disappeared to Pilot's room, and I just ate, and texted the night away.
A few days later, I got a few calls & msgs from the man himself, in which he said "That night totally sucked. I ended up going to Pilot's room & crying all night cuz I missed my dad. I wish I would've talked to you more, you always make me feel better."
uhm... whatever dude.
On some random good notes:
I have, at this point, managed to torrent the missing drivers on my computer, so there is a slight possibility that I *might* be able to get it back to where I miss having it. The computer, that is. Ha. I'm hoping that once I restart it, the drivers will work and I'll be able to listen to music and play PvZ with my pen and kick some zombie ass.
I got my car back, and it's working fine. It makes a weird squeaking noise though.
I have registered for classes again, and thank goodness, I get some graphic design classes (Computer Design II, Fundamentals of Color and VCD Lab Instructions) mixed in with the missing business ones I've got to take (Microeconomics, Macroeconomics and Principles of Accounting, if you must know)
I have more free time than I can manage... I'm bored outta my mind! I've cleaned the car, done all the laundry and the housework and done some Xmas shopping with what little I have in savings (yes, I was semi-smart about saving. Thank Goodness!) and been to Borders and Barnes & Noble this week more times than I had in the last 3 months... so... here I am....
I'm hoping that it doesn't snow here, cause that would totally suck, however it seems very likely in the near future. Oh well.
and that, dear friends, are the recent developments in Jezz Land.
love ya's all around.
-Jezz
In the last 3 weeks the following has occurred in the over-eventful life of Jezz:
My pc crashed days before my project was due... which of course was stored in my pc.
I was able to restore it, but now the tablet functions and the speakers don't work... at all.
My car broke down, and became undrivable... while I was in traffic gridlock... at 8 am... on my way to school... and I was scared out of my wits.
I managed to make it to the repair shop, and then they quoted $547.00 to fix it.
Haha.
I left the car there for like 2 days.
I went to a junk yard with a few friends, and bought the piece my car needed for $50.
I took th piece to the repair shop, and they started to fix it, but then they said they needed another part.
fml.
I went to work... only to find out that ... I no longer have a job.
I should say that I'm upset... but I'm not...
I was HAPPY.
How insane is that? With the economy and the fact that I've got bills to pay... well I have no idea what's gonna happen now, but I am SO! HAPPY! to be gone from that place after 2 1/2 years of that blank void!
But, what really sucks that I found this out AFTER pay $30 in a cab to get to work, since my car was at the shop.... I could use those $30 bucks right about now.
There were some program changes on my degree... and now there are some new required classes, which of course I haven't taken, and then to make matters worse, the one class I was forced to retake this quarter (because I failed it once, and then withdrew from it the time after) is NOT a required class after all, and of course I find this out AFTER I almost committed suicide several times which trying to force myself to do the hw. Yeah. Life's a bitch at times. Now instead of being eligible to graduate from my associates' in January, I'll have to endure another 2 quarters, and then be able to transfer schools by June. Which is fine I suppose. I mean, it's not like I've got other big things to keep me busy at the time, no job and all...
I'd say that is all, but when has Jezz's life not included some romantic life drama? hehe...Besides, I know you wanna know....
SO I went to one of the Dominican Crew's get-togethers.
This was a baaaad idea.
I planned to go in my car, and let mom go in hers... but she parked behind me and basically blocked me until I said I'd go with her... even though I literally begged her to let me drive my car over there... but fuck it, I went with mom.
We got there. Said hello to the usuals...
and then, of course, they were there.
I don't need to elaborate, do I? In case I do, I'll say it. Jacob & PB were there.
I wasn't mentally prepared for that.. . it was like NYE last year, all over again, except this time I looked like crap and she was on point, and I was also sick and tired from all the Other bs I've been dealing with.
I might add that, at this point, after I had a minor panic attack and reemerged from the bathroom with the reddest dace I've ever seen myself have, Mom felt bad, and said that she was sorry. But sorry was kinda late cause I was stuck there for the rest of the night, with no way of being able to leave.
The night went along, I felt kinda left out, but whatever, they disappeared to Pilot's room, and I just ate, and texted the night away.
A few days later, I got a few calls & msgs from the man himself, in which he said "That night totally sucked. I ended up going to Pilot's room & crying all night cuz I missed my dad. I wish I would've talked to you more, you always make me feel better."
uhm... whatever dude.
On some random good notes:
I have, at this point, managed to torrent the missing drivers on my computer, so there is a slight possibility that I *might* be able to get it back to where I miss having it. The computer, that is. Ha. I'm hoping that once I restart it, the drivers will work and I'll be able to listen to music and play PvZ with my pen and kick some zombie ass.
I got my car back, and it's working fine. It makes a weird squeaking noise though.
I have registered for classes again, and thank goodness, I get some graphic design classes (Computer Design II, Fundamentals of Color and VCD Lab Instructions) mixed in with the missing business ones I've got to take (Microeconomics, Macroeconomics and Principles of Accounting, if you must know)
I have more free time than I can manage... I'm bored outta my mind! I've cleaned the car, done all the laundry and the housework and done some Xmas shopping with what little I have in savings (yes, I was semi-smart about saving. Thank Goodness!) and been to Borders and Barnes & Noble this week more times than I had in the last 3 months... so... here I am....
I'm hoping that it doesn't snow here, cause that would totally suck, however it seems very likely in the near future. Oh well.
and that, dear friends, are the recent developments in Jezz Land.
love ya's all around.
-Jezz
Monday, November 08, 2010
Antother one comes & goes....
So another year comes & goes, I have to say that even at this point, you manage to amuse, bewilder and exacerbate me beyond words.
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:
You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.
Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.
But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.
I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)
Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch. xD ♥
much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P
-Jezz
Friday was my birthday and I was a total grouch. I was mean, and feisty, like a spoiled brat, I'd say borderline two-year-old-in-a-tantrum. And even though I know better, I still believe that I had the right to be that way cause It's my party and I cry if I want to, so there.
However, I gotta hand it to you... You must either really love me or I've got you chained or something, cuz
the things you did to make me smile, the ensuing attitude I dished out, along with the relentless amount of smart ass sass I threw all over the place were not even remotely deserving of the selfless way you chose to make me happy....
But you did. And you did it anyway.
Most importantly for some reason I can't yet quite comprehend, you do it to make me happy, and make ME smile, and make me feel like I'm the greatest thing since slice bread and coca-cola.
You even managed to throw in a compliment that threw me off completely:
"You're too pretty to be so apologetic about yourself"
You have made me the happiest person over and over... even if in between I've gone insane & bzerk on you.
Today it's YOUR birthday, and despite everything I've tried planning for you, you still have a grouchy face and groan slips your lips... You're not happy that you're older, and I can understand why.
But the truth is, I celebrate today, not to drive you insane and annoy the heck outta you (which I have been proudly doing since 2001) and certainly not to try to cheer you up (because I know you hate it when I succeed at that) but really because I'm happy you are you, and you are here, and that you and I are us, and we celebrate life every other day of the year.
I'm annoyingly buying your bday present -which I already know you will love- and I'm cooking your favorite food and I'm baking your favorite cake because in my heart it's one of the few ways I can really get to show you that I'm REALLY happy you're around and we wreck havoc together on everyday life, cause I can look to the side and see you there and know you're my pohtna ;)
Te quiero mi cielo bello & happy birthday...
you old grouch. xD ♥
much love to everyone else!
I know the updates are overdue but they're coming soon, promise! I'll even post a pic or two :P
-Jezz
Monday, November 01, 2010
I meant to make it longer but...
This is, as usual, the catch up post where I dump everything within recent history before I erase my mental temporary files and cookies.
Sorry for the analogy... working on IT gets to me sometimes.
Anyhow...
I've got some explaining to do, and not the good kind, the kind that I know makes people (you know who you are) call me wondering WTF is wrong with my head and when I'm gonna grow up.
But I'm only gonna be young once, and if I'm alive, I've gotta make a story worth telling; specially since I'm like writing a novel loosely based on facts and circumstances that may or may not have occurred in real life.... I'm gonna be rich and famous and then people are gonna wonder if I'm crazy, boy crazy or just simply in some dire need of fame and fortune. Which I kinda am but whatever.
Notice the rambling? I'm avoiding the subject at hand. I do this more often than you'd think. I'm turning it into an art form of sorts, and it'll be a mysterious and beautiful confusion.
So here we go:
Shit just got real. Like for real life.
My little brother is leaving to Spain by the end of the year.
Yup.
I'm having a minor nervous break down here... I mean, I've been taking care of him since I was 13. Not just your usual hanging out in front of the tv... I mean, diapers and bottles, building play dough creatures and blanket forts and fixing things, and bathing the dog, and learning how to write and bedtime stories and eating my ice cream secretly before I remember it was there.
I mean, doing home work and sharing secrets, and talking about the girl with the really really blue eyes in his catechism class, and debating on what kind of roller-coasters are best, and fighting over who gets to sleep in the bed with mom, and tickle fights mid afternoon and random nicknames that have nothing to do with anything.
He's my brother, but he might as well be my own kid. I mean, I have to admit, I've learn to understand my parents by dealing with him. I've learn to appreciate the innocence and happiness and carefree approach to life we have when we're not blindsided by our goals and ambitions and what we're going to do for the rest of forever.
So the thought of not having him around is like... impossible.
I mean, who else am I gonna hunker down when I get home? Who's cheeks am I going to kiss when I get home? Where am I supposed to find that cute baby smell when he's not around (and yes, there's this spot on the top of his head, that STILL smells like heavenly baby goodness, even though he's 10 and thinks he's "cool"), who's going to wake me up saying "Jissy, Jissy, tengo hambre"?
I'm sad... and technically, I'm not really supposed to be.
After all, I'm the big one with a life ahead of me and a bunch of places to travel to and a million things to do, right? So why is it that I see him being the fearless adventurer that I saw myself as, and I'm the one feeling like a deer caught in headlights?
Maybe it's genes, I think we all have a bit of that "bring it on" attitude in our blood... but hey, I have to admit...
I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am.
I told him "What am I supposed to do when I come back? (Yeah, I'm the one escorting him to Spain to my dad's house. It makes perfect sense cuz I'll get to spend time with my dad, who I haven't seen in about 3 years, and take a nice little va-cay and well, drop off the kiddo). I told him I'd cry in the airport and he'd have to tell me to go get on the plane... and this kid told me "You'll be alright. You're a big girl and you have stuff to do when you come home". I think there might be a Buddhist monk trapped inside this child. That would really explain alot.
I had the intention of writing about other random things and happenings in life, but I've kinda lost the inspiration to....
I'm not quite looking forward to the new year much right now...
anyhow,
I'll get back to y'all on the rest of the stuff I've been up to.
much love,
Jezz
Sorry for the analogy... working on IT gets to me sometimes.
Anyhow...
I've got some explaining to do, and not the good kind, the kind that I know makes people (you know who you are) call me wondering WTF is wrong with my head and when I'm gonna grow up.
But I'm only gonna be young once, and if I'm alive, I've gotta make a story worth telling; specially since I'm like writing a novel loosely based on facts and circumstances that may or may not have occurred in real life.... I'm gonna be rich and famous and then people are gonna wonder if I'm crazy, boy crazy or just simply in some dire need of fame and fortune. Which I kinda am but whatever.
Notice the rambling? I'm avoiding the subject at hand. I do this more often than you'd think. I'm turning it into an art form of sorts, and it'll be a mysterious and beautiful confusion.
So here we go:
Shit just got real. Like for real life.
My little brother is leaving to Spain by the end of the year.
Yup.
I'm having a minor nervous break down here... I mean, I've been taking care of him since I was 13. Not just your usual hanging out in front of the tv... I mean, diapers and bottles, building play dough creatures and blanket forts and fixing things, and bathing the dog, and learning how to write and bedtime stories and eating my ice cream secretly before I remember it was there.
I mean, doing home work and sharing secrets, and talking about the girl with the really really blue eyes in his catechism class, and debating on what kind of roller-coasters are best, and fighting over who gets to sleep in the bed with mom, and tickle fights mid afternoon and random nicknames that have nothing to do with anything.
He's my brother, but he might as well be my own kid. I mean, I have to admit, I've learn to understand my parents by dealing with him. I've learn to appreciate the innocence and happiness and carefree approach to life we have when we're not blindsided by our goals and ambitions and what we're going to do for the rest of forever.
So the thought of not having him around is like... impossible.
I mean, who else am I gonna hunker down when I get home? Who's cheeks am I going to kiss when I get home? Where am I supposed to find that cute baby smell when he's not around (and yes, there's this spot on the top of his head, that STILL smells like heavenly baby goodness, even though he's 10 and thinks he's "cool"), who's going to wake me up saying "Jissy, Jissy, tengo hambre"?
I'm sad... and technically, I'm not really supposed to be.
After all, I'm the big one with a life ahead of me and a bunch of places to travel to and a million things to do, right? So why is it that I see him being the fearless adventurer that I saw myself as, and I'm the one feeling like a deer caught in headlights?
Maybe it's genes, I think we all have a bit of that "bring it on" attitude in our blood... but hey, I have to admit...
I didn't think I'd be as sad as I am.
I told him "What am I supposed to do when I come back? (Yeah, I'm the one escorting him to Spain to my dad's house. It makes perfect sense cuz I'll get to spend time with my dad, who I haven't seen in about 3 years, and take a nice little va-cay and well, drop off the kiddo). I told him I'd cry in the airport and he'd have to tell me to go get on the plane... and this kid told me "You'll be alright. You're a big girl and you have stuff to do when you come home". I think there might be a Buddhist monk trapped inside this child. That would really explain alot.
I had the intention of writing about other random things and happenings in life, but I've kinda lost the inspiration to....
I'm not quite looking forward to the new year much right now...
anyhow,
I'll get back to y'all on the rest of the stuff I've been up to.
much love,
Jezz
Thursday, October 28, 2010
On Love....
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
in life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs
that you take as your gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
in life after life, in age after age forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
its ancient tale of being apart or together,
as I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
you become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
at the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell--
old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
the love of all man's days both past and forever:
universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
the memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours--
and the songs of every poet past and forever.
--Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)
in life after life, in age after age forever.
My spell-bound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs
that you take as your gift, wear round your neck in your many forms
in life after life, in age after age forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, its age-old pain,
its ancient tale of being apart or together,
as I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge
clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
you become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount
at the heart of time love of one for another.
We have played alongside millions of lovers, shared in the same
shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell--
old love, but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you,
the love of all man's days both past and forever:
universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life,
the memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours--
and the songs of every poet past and forever.
--Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)
Monday, October 04, 2010
The californication of LIFE!
God works wonders.
Things and people leave your life for the best reasons, even when you can't see it.
Believe in Divine intervention.... God doesn't abandon his children.
I feel... empowered.
The thought that I have someone protecting me, in all my madness, is comforting, and empowering.
What's been going on in the life?
My parents are trying to get back together in Spain.
My dad lives in Spain, and my mom wants to move to Spain soon, as soon as she gets her US residency documents.
They're planning on sending my little bro to Spain by the end of the year, and from there, Mom leaving early next year, hopefully with my other brother, the middle kid. He has some loose ends to tie up before he leaves, and the goal is for him to leave soon too.
As for me, well I'm up in the air. I don't exactly want to go. I have student loans here to pay off, and also, I kinda have my life on track here... I'm just not sure if my parents are kinda okay with that idea just yet. o.0
I kinda got into ...another... car accident
In my defense, it was raining, and when I looked before changing lanes, the dude was stopped at the light. seriously, like a split second before I switched lanes.
However, that said, I am aware that I'm the one at fault... and it sucks. On top of that, I got a citation for driving with the wrong license class, and it sucks.... but I don't really have to deal with that until December.... soo....yeah. For right now, I've kinda got to deal with the Insurance company to make sure they deal with the scratch on the other dude's car, and then figure out wth I'm gonna do about the huge dent the driver's door in my car. :/
Nonetheless, both cars are fine and drivable, thank God. I told my mom about it, since I'm on her insurance, and there was the initial shock, followed by the subsequent anger, and then the educational speech on driving. Guess I kinda had that coming. But speaking of cars and driving....
I get to tell my gramps and dad that I'm driving and have a car.
You'd think that, months post-facto, they would've already known... but there are some details there.
I got my car, and then didn't drive it. I didn't tell anyone, other than my parents and a few friends. I got my license, and my mom said that she wasn't ready for me to tell my dad about that just yet cause she isn't sure how he's going to take it... so, we ended up not telling him. However, my little bro slipped and mentioned it to my cousins, who then mentioned it to their parents, who then asked my mom about it. So my mom told my aunt and uncle. The end, right? not.
My aunt then told my grandmother, who didn't know, because my dad was vacationing over at her house at the time. Yikes.
Needless to say, my gramps, a 80+ lady who has a minor case of hypochondria, was not exactly... as thrilled as I was. My mom was kinda pissed my aunt spilled the beans, but then called my grandma and calmed her down. She even managed to throw a compliment or two about me in the mix, and then told me about it. XD
Turns out, my gramps was just worried about the places I'd be going and stuff I'd be doing, to which my mom replied that I'm "mature and level headed and make the right choices"... XD
Which reminds me....
I'm not going to DR for my Bday
On a whim, I decided I'd try to go to DR in November and try to go to a Yanni concert with Ally J.
In theory it was perfect, there were even discounted flights on sale.
However, I didn't get the days off from work :( so no trip to DR.
but....
My gramps are coming to ATL for the Holidays again
Which is totally awesome, cuz this year is their 50th Wedding Anniversary, and we're kinda planning a bit of a party. They're so awesome they got married on Christmas Day. I mean seriously, who does that? lol
But speaking of Christmas and Holidays...
There will be no NYE party this year
Every year for the last 4 years, I've been going to the NYE party hosted by some family friends.... Last year was kind of an awkward one, considering my uhm... circumstances with JWB. However, this year, the usual host has decided to go to Florida for NYE, so as of right now, there will be Xmas/ NYE party. Which, honestly is quite fine by me, considering....
I had a JWB- fall off the wagon moment
So this is like a bad habit I can't break. Whatever, we've known that for a minute.
I had -in a regrettable choice of decision streak- decided to -once again- talk to JWB.
Texts turned to calls, calls went to setting up a lunch date, and well, we ended up hanging out and watching Dexter (the new season started last sunday BTW)
For now, all has been ok, thank goodness... I have this mental reminder that half of what he says is nowhere near true and the other half is meant to seduce me. LOL. As conceited as that may sound... whatever.
I've kinda been busy with other things on my mind to dwell much on this anyway.
Babes got a job! YAAAY!
And the best part is that he's working at this British store...Karen Millen.
owww mai gaaa
I'm already aching for the employee discount for the most amazing LBD's and this leopard print tench coat to DIE for. *_*
Well folks..... I think 'tis all for now....
I gotta finish up some stuff anyways.... so
much love ♥
Jezz
Things and people leave your life for the best reasons, even when you can't see it.
Believe in Divine intervention.... God doesn't abandon his children.
I feel... empowered.
The thought that I have someone protecting me, in all my madness, is comforting, and empowering.
What's been going on in the life?
My parents are trying to get back together in Spain.
My dad lives in Spain, and my mom wants to move to Spain soon, as soon as she gets her US residency documents.
They're planning on sending my little bro to Spain by the end of the year, and from there, Mom leaving early next year, hopefully with my other brother, the middle kid. He has some loose ends to tie up before he leaves, and the goal is for him to leave soon too.
As for me, well I'm up in the air. I don't exactly want to go. I have student loans here to pay off, and also, I kinda have my life on track here... I'm just not sure if my parents are kinda okay with that idea just yet. o.0
I kinda got into ...another... car accident
In my defense, it was raining, and when I looked before changing lanes, the dude was stopped at the light. seriously, like a split second before I switched lanes.
However, that said, I am aware that I'm the one at fault... and it sucks. On top of that, I got a citation for driving with the wrong license class, and it sucks.... but I don't really have to deal with that until December.... soo....yeah. For right now, I've kinda got to deal with the Insurance company to make sure they deal with the scratch on the other dude's car, and then figure out wth I'm gonna do about the huge dent the driver's door in my car. :/
Nonetheless, both cars are fine and drivable, thank God. I told my mom about it, since I'm on her insurance, and there was the initial shock, followed by the subsequent anger, and then the educational speech on driving. Guess I kinda had that coming. But speaking of cars and driving....
I get to tell my gramps and dad that I'm driving and have a car.
You'd think that, months post-facto, they would've already known... but there are some details there.
I got my car, and then didn't drive it. I didn't tell anyone, other than my parents and a few friends. I got my license, and my mom said that she wasn't ready for me to tell my dad about that just yet cause she isn't sure how he's going to take it... so, we ended up not telling him. However, my little bro slipped and mentioned it to my cousins, who then mentioned it to their parents, who then asked my mom about it. So my mom told my aunt and uncle. The end, right? not.
My aunt then told my grandmother, who didn't know, because my dad was vacationing over at her house at the time. Yikes.
Needless to say, my gramps, a 80+ lady who has a minor case of hypochondria, was not exactly... as thrilled as I was. My mom was kinda pissed my aunt spilled the beans, but then called my grandma and calmed her down. She even managed to throw a compliment or two about me in the mix, and then told me about it. XD
Turns out, my gramps was just worried about the places I'd be going and stuff I'd be doing, to which my mom replied that I'm "mature and level headed and make the right choices"... XD
Which reminds me....
I'm not going to DR for my Bday
On a whim, I decided I'd try to go to DR in November and try to go to a Yanni concert with Ally J.
In theory it was perfect, there were even discounted flights on sale.
However, I didn't get the days off from work :( so no trip to DR.
but....
My gramps are coming to ATL for the Holidays again
Which is totally awesome, cuz this year is their 50th Wedding Anniversary, and we're kinda planning a bit of a party. They're so awesome they got married on Christmas Day. I mean seriously, who does that? lol
But speaking of Christmas and Holidays...
There will be no NYE party this year
Every year for the last 4 years, I've been going to the NYE party hosted by some family friends.... Last year was kind of an awkward one, considering my uhm... circumstances with JWB. However, this year, the usual host has decided to go to Florida for NYE, so as of right now, there will be Xmas/ NYE party. Which, honestly is quite fine by me, considering....
I had a JWB- fall off the wagon moment
So this is like a bad habit I can't break. Whatever, we've known that for a minute.
I had -in a regrettable choice of decision streak- decided to -once again- talk to JWB.
Texts turned to calls, calls went to setting up a lunch date, and well, we ended up hanging out and watching Dexter (the new season started last sunday BTW)
For now, all has been ok, thank goodness... I have this mental reminder that half of what he says is nowhere near true and the other half is meant to seduce me. LOL. As conceited as that may sound... whatever.
I've kinda been busy with other things on my mind to dwell much on this anyway.
Babes got a job! YAAAY!
And the best part is that he's working at this British store...Karen Millen.
owww mai gaaa
I'm already aching for the employee discount for the most amazing LBD's and this leopard print tench coat to DIE for. *_*
Well folks..... I think 'tis all for now....
I gotta finish up some stuff anyways.... so
much love ♥
Jezz
Friday, October 01, 2010
Happy quotes
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne
Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure.
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.
Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open. ~John Barrymore
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. ~H. Jackson Browne
Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
- Helen Keller
Related Quotes: Happiness Quotes, Helen Keller Quotes, Purpose Quotes This quote: PermalinkThe perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.
- Mark Twain
Related Quotes: Happiness Quotes, Mark Twain Quotes, Philosophy Quotes, Wisdom Quotes This quote: PermalinkHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Related Quotes: Family Quotes, George Burns Quotes, Happiness Quotes This quote: PermalinkAction may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.
- Benjamin Disraeli
Related Quotes: Action Quotes, Benjamin Disraeli Quotes, Happiness Quotes This quote: PermalinkThe true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure.
- Francoise de Motteville
Related Quotes: Francoise de Motteville Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Work Quotes This quote: PermalinkHappiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
- Albert Schweitzer
Related Quotes: Albert Schweitzer Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Health Quotes, Memory Quotes This quote: PermalinkThe greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.
- Martha Washington
Related Quotes: Attitude Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Martha Washington Quotes This quote: PermalinkHappiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
- Norman MacEwan
Related Quotes: Happiness Quotes, Life Quotes, Norman MacEwan Quotes, Sharing Quotes This quote: PermalinkWhen you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
- Albert Camus
Related Quotes: Albert Camus Quotes, Connections Quotes, Happiness Quotes This quote: PermalinkLove is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
- Robert Heinlein
Related Quotes: Happiness Quotes, Love Quotes, Robert Heinlein Quotes This quote: PermalinkThere is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
- George Sand
Related Quotes: George Sand Quotes, Happiness Quotes, Love Quotes This quote: PermalinkThe mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and a hell of Heaven.
- John Milton
Related Quotes: Happiness Quotes, Heaven Quotes, Hell Quotes, John Milton Quotes, Mind Quotes This quote: PermalinkThursday, September 30, 2010
Thinking
I'm probably pms'ing... but i don't quite feel right....
like everything is a burden like life itself is a chore, like we are dragging ourselves through mudslides and quicksand and nothing is worth the effort of movement.
>> Service Bell
I think that I've been listening to too many depressive songs.
and I think that I'm hungry, and that doesn't help either.
I really think I don't like being stuck in this dead end...
My life feels like a dead end game of tetris.
I really think I just need some ice cream.
but for now I got work to do.
like everything is a burden like life itself is a chore, like we are dragging ourselves through mudslides and quicksand and nothing is worth the effort of movement.
>> Service Bell
I think that I've been listening to too many depressive songs.
and I think that I'm hungry, and that doesn't help either.
I really think I don't like being stuck in this dead end...
My life feels like a dead end game of tetris.
I really think I just need some ice cream.
but for now I got work to do.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
...
I'll be witty
look pretty
block out your existence with my
sunglasses and bikini
sunglasses and bikini
you don't have to love me
& I don't have to pretend it
doesn't hurt.
doesn't hurt.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Emotions
| What does a feeling sound like? Like shattering glass, like a soft lullaby, like a Russian drum beat, like halting breaks and a sad lonely violin playing alone in the darkest night. Feelings are just emotions overcoming our spirits in such ways that we are immersed in them, bathed, drenched & drowning in them. We must all find a way, our own way of learning to live with them and expressing them. Some use them for good, some for evil. Some in a constructive and others in a productive way and others in a destructive manner. But then there are those who use it as a muse, inspiration... They know and see that the created result is nothing more than the emotion itself, immortalized & exposed, ripe for the picking & open for the purging, in hopes to remove the emotion itself from our insides & cast it out into the world, like a demon exorsized from our hearts, looking for a new host to reside in & devour from the inside... |
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Selfish...
I'm coming to terms with the fact of life that you need to be selfish.
You will come to a point where you'll have to tput yourself first.
Your needs. Your wants.
I feel as though I try to make sure that everyone else is ok so much that I let go of myself... that I stop taking into account my own things... my responsibilities...
Try as I might, how can I manage to save everyone and take care of myself....
....
I don't really know what else to say or think...
I just want to get home and call it a day....
You will come to a point where you'll have to tput yourself first.
Your needs. Your wants.
I feel as though I try to make sure that everyone else is ok so much that I let go of myself... that I stop taking into account my own things... my responsibilities...
Try as I might, how can I manage to save everyone and take care of myself....
....
I don't really know what else to say or think...
I just want to get home and call it a day....
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